No Damned for me................

So it's Halloween and where am I? I can tell you where I'm not, I'm not in L.A. getting ready to go see The Damned/Adolescents play a magnificent All Hallows eve show! I will not be having a wonderful time listening to Dave Vanian sing Melody Lee live, right before my very eyes and I will definitely not be hanging out with my friends getting fucked up and having fun.
I will be stuck here in New Mexico scowling at my tickets and wishing death on the people who were lucky enough to make it to the show. This is exactly what I swore would not happen yet here I sit. I hate to think that when I look back on Oct 2008 the highlight of that month will have been midget wrestling at Gators. UGH! It is too dismal to even contemplate and no, I did NOT go see midgets wrestle!
I suppose I can look back and see this as the month when I was able to renew my love affair with H, which is definitely a high point but missing that show is gonna hurt.....it does hurt......poor me.
On the bright side I am feeling OK and I have resisted temptation to A) attack what is left of the H and B)place another order, so things aren't all bad.....I guess. We will probably do some again next weekend, I told Casey it was all gone....I did it all and knowing me the way he does, he believed it. I really haven't touched it since I stashed it and that surprises me in a big way, usually I can talk myself into it no problem. I think the fact that I don't want to do it without Casey(AAAAWWWW *gag*) is a big factor. I know that he can't do it all the time and I don't want to rub it in his face that I can so..........I won't. How selfless of me!
It's all for the best anyway, as much as I love getting gowed, I love him more and I will do what I can to see that I don't wreck him.....too much. I am such a good girlfriend! HAHA yeah right, whatever.
So Happy Halloween fuckers, live it up and don't do anything I wouldn't do (I'd say that leaves your options pretty much open:)) Loves you, Melody

Mommy's little monster

I talked to my mom today, I swear that woman has some kind of radar that lets her know exactly when a phone call would be least appreciated. I love my mom, really I do, it's just that she can try my patience at the best of times.......and half -assed dope sick is NOT the best of times.
My mom is sooo far removed from me, it makes you wonder what she could have done wrong in order to end up with a kid like me. Did she lose a bet with God or what? I am the polar opposite of her in every conceivable way. She is a little snobby and cares way too much about what people think of her. She is very proper, very ladies who lunch. Basically above reproach in every way, I think the only marks she has against her are having married my dad and in turn having spawned me.
She has mellowed out a bit in the last few years, I guess having me for a daughter will do that to you. It was either go with the flow or go crazy. The first time I got arrested I made the mistake of calling her to beg for bail. I would have been better off trying to blow the judge. She was so horrified at the thought that a jail call would show up on her phone bill, I thought she was kidding....at first. Then when she said, "You mean I actually have to lower myself and contact a bail bondsman?" I gave up any hopes I had of being bonded out and didn't try to call her again. She just has no coping mechanism for those kinds of situations, which is really strange considering she was married to my dad but whatever.
She can actually make jokes about my jail time now, whereas before, the subject was off limits, like if she pretended hard enough, it never happened. It's not that easy.
Anyway, she waited about 20 min into the conversation before she started in with her pet causes. Mainly getting me to go back to school and make something out of my life. Not interested! I tested out of school when I was 13/14 and going back now is not an option. She even enrolled me in college back then and I went......for awhile. College is not the place to be when you are 14, especially if you are a trouble magnet like myself. I won't go into the specifics but it was not what my mother had envisioned for her little girl. I spent the next few years running away to L.A. and SF and Mexico and wherever.........
To say my mom had a tough time with me is an understatement and I really think she did the best she could. I didn't give her much to work with, that's for sure. As for school thing I tell her what I've always told her, I don't want to waste my time and her money on something that I know I'm not gonna follow through on. I know I'm not, so I will save her the disappointment and just say so up front. I'm too lazy and unmotivated for college, I would never make it to all those classes. I could if I really wanted to but I don't and I'm not gonna lie about it. I've never subscribed to the belief that you should say things just because it's the 'right thing' to say. I'm sure I would get a better response from people if I did but there's the rub, I don't really give a fuck about getting a better response.
I spent some of my time last summer at my mom's working on her latest book and although it was fun, it's not something I wanna do indefinitely. She now has this idea that I can take over as her in house editor and that is soooo not happening! I don't mind helping out whenever she needs it but that's it.
I think maybe this is her way of finding something to keep me out of trouble. Thanks mom. I feel a little honored that she's willing to risk the integrity of her current/future manuscripts just to keep me out of harms way. Maybe she does love me after all? Just kidding, I know she loves me despite my numerous shortcomings, which is pretty commendable I think. I woulda given up on my sorry ass a loooong time ago.
HAHA, I warned you about the angsty type bullshit you could expect for the next few days, I wasn't lying! Muchos abrazos bitches, con amor y felicidad, Melody

Miracles come in all shapes and sizes

Did you guys know that back in the 1800's alcoholism was such a problem that they used to advertise 'miracle cures' in the back of ladies magazines and catalogues? One of these cures was a liquid that women were supposed to sneak into their husbands after-dinner coffee in order to keep him from going on a bender. It was guaranteed to ease your spouse into a restful sleep and keep him that way til morning. No more drunken mauling or verbal abuse. It was perfect! If you could get past the fact that this 'miracle cure' was actually liquid morphine (laudanum) and that instead of having a husband who was a drunk, you now had one that was addicted to opiates, by your own hand no less! Not really a relevant story, I just thought it was interesting, my head if full of useless movie/pop culture/drug trivia and it leaks out occasionally. I mean who(besides me), really cares about the name of Erroll Flynn's boat? Even if it was the one where he (allegedly) committed several counts of statutory rape. No one really knows (or cares) who the first girl to jump off the Hollywood sign was, but I know her name, even if I can't really tell you why I know it, I just do. Whatever!
So, I'm gonna put it(H) away.......I think. I don't really wanna contend with an extended bout of dopesickness so.....
Maybe I can hide it away til next week, that would be the thing to do, that way when Casey comes home wanting a shot, which he will, I can say no and he'll just have to deal with it. He doesn't need to go to work all loaded or sick. I can curb myself enough so that if I put it away, I can stay out of it for a week, haha self-control at it's finest. I did a shot this morning and I think that's it for now. I'm going to try really hard to stick to my decision and see how that goes, don't worry, if I fuck up y'all be the first ones to know.
I waaaaaaaay overdid it ! It's not often that I do enough dope to make me sick but I managed to pull it off this weekend. I spent most of Saturday doing shots.....and then running to the bathroom to puke my guts up. Alot of people think that it's not worth it, having to put up with nausea in order to get loaded. Maybe to them it's not, I eat tons of gummi candy the whole time I'm high, so when it does come up, it tastes just as good as it did going down. I'm sure y'all were just dying to know that huh?
Anyway, I'll probably be posting a bunch of angsty drivel for the next few days, just til I get my emotions back under control, so bear with me. Maybe I'll post a few more hooker stories, that should pass the time and maybe entertain you a bit as well. You know me, I live to serve.Love y'all bunches and bunches, Melody

I am domestic as fuck!

This weekend has been amazing! I got an unexpected hook-up from my 'friend' and although I tried to wait a few days we ended up banging a shot within hours of getting it. Big surprise right? I'm gonna be paying for it all next week but I knew that when I fixed the first shot, so I have no one to blame but myself.
We have spent the whole weekend nodding and watching movies and being goofy, just having a good time in general. We watched a movie called Jesus Son, which is really good, I recommend it! It's about a junky guy in the 70's who gets himself straightened out but it's a long, twisted path to get there. It stars Billy Crudup and he does a fantastic job playing the dim yet endearing heroin addict. 2 thumbs up!
This is just a quick hello and then I'm off because Casey just woke up and I promised him biscuits and gravy (homemade) for breakfast. I make awesome homemade biscuits! I roll that shit out and everything and my country gravy? Forget about it! I'll have to invite y'all over for breakfast sometime. Don't worry the side order of heroin is optional. I'll write more later, tomorrow maybe. Being high makes me all lovable and domestic so I'll be doing housewife-y type stuff today......cooking, cleaning, having long bouts of smack enhanced sex with my honey, you know, the usual. That's one of the things that is a definite plus about using occasionally, we don't have to deal with heroin induced impotence, just the opposite in fact. Niiiiiice!
So I'ma go now but I'll holler at y'all later on. Have a maaaaahvelous weekend daaaaaahlings XOXOXOXO, Melody

A list..........of stuff

This is a list I came up with of the things that make me uncomfortable and the things that I don't sweat in the least. At first I did this because I was bored but after it was done and I had a chance to really look it over I realized that this list (or the things on it) might be why people generally think I'm cracked. I guess I just see things differently than most and my priorities are a little.......OK alot off. I'll let you-all decide what you think.

makes me uneasy~~~~ won't worry me at all

The Burger King-duh~~~~ Serial killers-in general
Janice Dickinson~~~~~ Janice Dickinson female impersonators (???)
teletubbies/barney~~~~~~ crackheads
Highschool musical~~~~~~~Highschool Massacre
men in short shorts~~~~~ men in dresses
male strippers~~~~~ male hustlers
KJ~~~~~~ mescaline
seroquel~~~~~ xanax
blood work~~~~~ trying to hit til I look like a bloody voodoo doll
boredom~~~~~ trouble
living in NM forever~~~~~ leaving tomorrow
psychotherapy~~~~~ blogging my business to the world
panhandleling~~~~~ sex for $$$
The mall~~~~~ the hood
being perfect but unhappy~~~Being a perfectly happy mess
infinite sobriety~~~~~~ infinite intoxication
kicking methadone~~~~~~ kicking H
the American dream~~~~~ the fact that the American dream is a lie
Scientology/Tom Cruise~~~~~ Aliens
smug self righteousness~~~~~~ mindless self-indulgence
drowning~~~~~ OD
crying for myself(I can't)~~~~~ Shedding tears for others
Vapid narcissism~~~~~ vapid narcissism
accidental idiocy~~~~~~ intentional stupidity
casual love~~~~~ casual sex
losing myself~~~~~ having nothing left to lose
being miserable to maintain appearances~~ being content to maintain myself
over-achieving~~~~~ being average
becoming my mother~~~~~ becoming unredeemable
living too long~~~~~~ dying tomorrow


I'm sure I could go on and on but I expect you-all were bored after the first few lines. Anyway, enough dime-store psychology for now, I suspect that this attack of introspection has been brought on by my recent smack binge. It usually takes me a few days of emotional upheaval to get back to myself. Chemical balances and all that. Whatever, Happy Wednesday babies, Love Melody XOXOXO

My own personal hell comes to life.....sorta

So I'm not feeling great......not too bad but not good either. Fuck it, it was worth it! I was fighting my way through machine gun sneezes all day but it seems to have tapered off. This half-assed sickness I can handle but what took place a few hours ago may just scar me for life.
OK, it might not seem that serious to y'all but for me it was......NOT nice.
Starting from the beginning: I decided to log in to one of my services and take some calls. This usually works to take my mind off my edginess/dope hangover. It does NOT work when I am full blown sick and may have to hunt down and slaughter the motherfucker who attempts to get off to me while I'm in that state.
Anyway, all was going well, I had the usual calls......B&D, barely legal,tranny, you know, typical phone bone and then.........
I get a request from one of my LEAST favorite sadistic regulars, I'll call him Carl. Carl's favorite thing to do is scare and humiliate you, which is not really a problem seeing as how it's just over the phone and his repertoire is pretty un-original. The reason I dread his calls is that he has a fascination with shit(yes I mean poo) and seeing as I do not, it gets a little tedious blabbing about flailing in feces for hours.It can be hella sick and ridiculously funny but it's NOT my thing so after about 45 min I start to run out of stuff to say about it.How much can you really say about poop anyway?
He also has a bad smarmy/superior attitude,like a school cop that becomes intolerable after about 5 seconds. He likes to try and find out what bothers/frightens you the most and use it against you. Normally this is not a problem, I just make something up and pretend to be horrified. Easy! Besides, unless you are a total schizo, how can you be afraid of a phone perv? I play submissive, he jerks off and I get paid...every body's satisfied.
Until tonight! I'm not sure monetary compensation is sufficient for what I endured this evening. I know you-all are going to laugh when I tell you about it so I'll just say it now....there is nothing rational about a phobia it's just scary and you can't really explain it, even if you know better.
So things started off predictably with Carl playing 20 questions so he could try and mind fuck me. I was playing along, making up lame answers and watching TV on mute (I'm multi-talented). We were getting to the part of the call where he tries to bully me into confessing my deepest darkest fears when disaster struck. As my shitty(No pun intended) luck would have it Carl had just screamed, "Tell me what you fear you filthy slut!" when a commercial came on. I loathe commercials but this one happened to be the MOST hated one of all.
I sat in horror for about 10 seconds before shuddering and muttering to myself, "UGH....the Burger King" forgetting that Carl was still shrieking in my ear for an answer. I changed the channel just as Carl said,(in a really baaaad German accent) "Ahhhhhh, zeeee Buuuurger Kiiing...."
WHAT? NO! I tried in vain to convince Carl that I had been joking but the weaselly little bastard could hear the desperation in my voice and demanded that I "Shut the fuck up, tonight you will be at zeee mercy of zeee Buuuuurger Kiiiiiing!"
The whole thing would have been hilarious, especially that cheesy accent if it hadn't included 'his royal plasti-headed majesty'. Now any of you fuckers that are laughing right now.....shut up! It's not funny, it's vile and before you ask why I didn't simply hang up on him; the lines are monitored and hanging up on calls in a big no-no. Plus I would have had to explain why to the supervisor and that is NOT something I cared to do. I would be the service joke for a month! I can tell you guys though....I have to tell somebody and Casey gave me NO sympathy whatsoever,he just spit beer across the room and laughed himself retarded. Asshole!
So for the next 127min I sat through one of the worst calls of my phone whore career.......frozen on the line as Carl described IN DETAIL what was being done to me by the*shudder* creepy Burger King. I won't elaborate too much but I will say that it involved bondage, poop, mayonnaise and the King's over sized plastic phallus. UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
This was definitely one of those situations where having a fabulous imagination is NOT a good thing. I could picture every revolting scenario and it has been seared into my brain. I will probably have night terrors for a year.
I may never be the same after this! The mental scars from this episode might take years to manifest themselves but I have no doubt they will make themselves known eventually. Most likely I'll be minding my own business, driving past a Burger King when a flashback will send me into a spasticated seizure that will then cause me to careen across several lanes of traffic and kill innocent motorists in an attempt to mow down the *shudder* Burger King and rid the world of his sick, plasti-headed tyranny once and for all.
I think the only way this could have been made any more terrifying is if he had turned it into a three-way with Janice Dickinson......in a nun's habit. ACK! That is truly the stuff of nightmares!
If I EVER had the misfortune of coming face to face with Janice Dickinson I think I would 1) Freeze 2)piss my panties 3) kick her in her surgically re-constructed vagina and D) run away....quickly!
I swear some of the shit I hear on the lines is unbelievable! I couldn't make this stuff up....well technically I could but I don't have to.
As if sleeping tonight wasn't already gonna be a bitch now I have this to contend with.I can walk down E. California Ave(scary rapist crackhead-quarters)....by myself....at 3am but I can't face down.....well you know. Maybe I am a little crazy after all? HAHA, like there was ever any doubt! Sweet dreams kiddies, Melody

This is what I've looked like ALL weekend!

I'm a little nod-ish because someone (you know who you are) played devil on my shoulder and talked me into doing another shot. To be fair, it wasn't that hard to convince me and I love her anyway plus I would have just done later on if she hadn't. I popped it in my hip 'cause I was too lazy to try and hit so it's been creeping on me for awhile. Niiiiice!
Casey got up in my face and snapped the above pic and it just seemed to capture everything about the last few days. My pinned pupils, the dazed look on my face, if you knocked on my door this weekend, I answered it looking like that. This was after I butchered my hair sometime early Saturday morning. According to Eddie, I look loaded in all my pictures(even when I'm sober), but I think he'll agree that in this one I look particularly fucked-up. I also thought the black and white added a nice touch.
The Dope was choice! Yes it was still that Afghan shit and no, I didn't use vitamin C. That shit scares me, which is pretty ironic considering that I've shot up lots of stuff way scarier than vitamin C/ascorbic acid. In order to fix it, I just heat the shit out of it til it cooks up, it won't dissolve in water so I have to fire it up good!NO cold cooking like tar. Sooooo not what I'm used to but I'm learning, HAHA you can never have too much knowledge.....or dope.
So it's almost gone and I have to say not a moment too soon! I'm sure I'm gonna feel like shit tomorrow and we'll end up doing the rest. I hate, hate, hate the fact that I start getting dopesick after only a few days. It took me weeks when I first got sprung.......I guess a decade of near constant use makes it somewhat easier to get re-acquainted with my addiction. HAHA, I think smack addiction may be the only thing in my life that I haven't half-assed. How inspiring!
So anyway, I'll write more later. My eyes have a mind of their own and want to shut themselves. loves you, M.

My chopped off hair and a clarification

So I'll go into the dope shit later, first of all,"Yes Marc will tattoo on me and yes he will get in my pants" OK that's out of the way oh and he also never took advantage of my um circumstances(dopesick hooker), when he could have. Honestly! He helped me out when he didn't have to and that is the truth. He's known me since forever and still speaks to me, which is saying alot considering some of the shit I've got up to. I looooooove you Marc!
Anyway I chopped my hair tonight in a fit of pique when it kept getting in my way while I was trying to hit. I know, I know I could have just tied it back but where's the fun in that? I was due for a change anyway.
I took a bunch of unnecessary pics because:A) I was bored and not quite comatose and B) because Casey was nodded out and not paying attention to me. It's a fantastic disaster and it's just what I needed. I'll tell all the smack facts later 'cause I hear "Daddy" calling my name just now and I never could say no to Papa H. Oh and to those who think I'm trashy because I don't know any better I got news, I do know better....I just don't give a fuuuuuuuuck!
See y'all later. Melody

Signs from God and a Nazi anecdote. I'm sooo diverse!

The tail on my kit-kat clock stopped swinging today for no reason other than to piss me off. It has new batteries and the clock still works, it just won't twitch it's freakin' tail. I wonder if this is a sign from God? Is it his way of telling me that my life is slowly running down or maybe I'm just gonna fall on my "tail" and break it?
How deep! I don't usually pay attention to shit like that but having just proven myself to be psychic (my mainlining dream was followed by a message that H was on the way), I can't be too careful. Now all that remains to be seen is whether the smack is blue or not, if it is I will join the Kenny Kingston Psychic Friends Network and use my amazing new skill to fleece...I mean help others.
Then again, last night I had a dream that I was being terrorized by geese chasing me around the house while I tried to fend them off with, ironically enough, a goose down pillow. These geese were really pissed off as evidenced by their ripping out their own feathers by the bill-full in between attacks. When I woke up, I tried to figure out what I could have done to enrage a gaggle of geese and I came to the conclusion that they must have been upset over the pillow. It was the obvious choice and made a tremendous amount of sense once I thought about it. For some reason I never questioned why they were in my house to begin with. HUH! Priorities.
If anyone has any insight into that little gem, please clue me in. Maybe I don't have "the gift" after all?
So I was thinking that I agree with my latest anon hater, people don't dislike me because I'm an addict, they dislike me because I'm disgusting........disgustingly awesome! Jealous bitches! I really didn't need for anon to point out the fact that I have more than one anonymous hater. I've known that shit all along, it's just that they all sound so alike I've started to lump them all together. In my mind, every time I get some worn out, shitty comment, it immediately gets filed under anonymous douchebag. Nothing individual, I just roll them all up into one big mass of fucktarded-ness and move on,it's less complicated that way.
Casey is in Utah til sometime tonight and I am at a loss as to what to do with myself. I already got a sickening call from Josh( I was asleep and answered the phone like a dumb ass),that lasted up to the point of him telling me he was gonna "kiss it and make it all better." UUUGH!*shudder* I hung up as soon as I heard that foolishness! I still feel faintly nauseous though. Phantom kisses from Josh seem to be clinging to my skin and I don't like it one bit! I already tried showering but it didn't do a damn thing. I swear to God I can almost smell his vomitous Hugo Boss cologne and it's making me ill.
I always told you I hated the smell of that crap Josh, almost as much as I hate being baby-talked. YUK! Find your dignity quick before you lose it permanently.
I should know by now that you can't scrub off Josh, lord knows I've tried. Ladies and gentleman, I give you Josh J. who has the distinction of being the "herpes" of ex-boyfriends. He will never go away and makes himself known at the most inopportune moments. Josh~the gift that keeps on giving. And before anybody asks....no I don't have herpes!
My wrist feels like it's on fire it itches so bad, I hope that bitch didn't break the skin. It's so bruised and swollen that I can't really tell yet. I love the way shit like that always hurts more days after the fact.
Today I'm bored but by this time tomorrow I will be smacked back like a motherfucker so it's all good. I have that weird apprehension/anticipation that comes from not having done H for a while, almost like I'm scared and don't want to do it. I will of course because once it's in front of me it will all fall into place. I'm predictable that way, H is my main man.
I was just thinking on a guy I used to know back in the day who belonged to the esteemed brotherhood of the Nazi Low Riders. Being that my blood is 'polluted' by my dad's half Mexican-ness I was always a little confused by the fact that these guys liked to hang out with me. Brad actually lived with me and Casey before he went back to prison and because of that I got to meet alot of his NLR friends. After a while I noticed something damn peculiar, almost every introduction went something like this." Melody, I want you to meet my homeboy from NLR, he used to run the yard out at Lerdo, his name is Mike Garcia" or "this is my ace-deuce motherfucker from NLR, Jason Hernandez" and last but not least, my favorite,"This motherfucker had the keys to the hole, I want you to me Dewayne Rodriguez, yeah he's NLR."
Are y'all starting to see a pattern? Yeah, me too. Being my usual forthright self I just had to ask, "Brad if y'all are all about racial purity and such and you don't care for other races and such......then why the fuck do all of your "racially pure" NLR 'brothers' have beaner last names....and such? Sure they look 'white and right' but the names say different."
In addition to my other talents I speak fluent redneck.
I think this simple yet complex question overtaxed Brad's brain a bit, he had to sit down and think on it. After a few minutes of hard internal deliberation he looked up at me and cried out,"Well, they're white in their hearts!"
WOW, I guess that says it all doesn't it? By that logic it should be no problem for a black man to join the NLR, so long as he's "white in his heart." I think that may have been one of the stupidest things I ever heard come out of his mouth and believe me he was a veritable font of stupidity! He didn't much care for my observation about future black Nazi Low Riders either. HAHA whatever, he wasn't such a bad guy if you could look past the inbreeding and hate crimes. I find the good in everybody, even inbred morons. More people should be like me , why can't we all just get along?......says the girl who recently pummeled a tweeker hag just to watch her die.....uh I mean shut up.
Anyway, enough blah, blah, blah. Miss me kids, I'll miss you back. Melody Lee

My pretty bruise is set off to perfection by my shitty, ghetto lookin' jail tat

Maybe all the meth she ingested will have an antiseptic effect and I won't start foaming at the mouth any time soon.

Rabid tweekers bite....literally

Wow, I feel better today! My last post was a little out there, coming down is a motherfucker. Eddie told me that I was acting like a sawed-off cunt and that was the next afternoon. Just one more reason why I should stay far from meth. I'm pretty cool while I'm wired but as soon as I start to slow down it's on. I get annoyed by the stupidest shit and God forbid there is another broad in the room vying for cunt superiority. Example: Rainman's friend Gabby, who is even now sporting a black eye/misc. bruises from where I clocked her in the face (a few times) after a particularly heated bitch-fest on Sunday. I don't usually do that shit but when I feel like crap and someone is yammering slanderous nonsense at me from across the room I can't be held responsible for my actions. I repeatedly told her to shut the fuck up and she decided to ignore my friendly advice. She's like 40yrs old and thinks she is the hardest bitch on God's green earth......yeah uh right.
After I finished verbally illustrating what I thought of her and her hard-ness, she was in my face snarling like a rabid Pekingese(she kinda looks like she got hit in the face with a frying pan). I told her to back the fuck up a few times but when that didn't get the desired response I clocked her. I didn't want to do it,(OK maybe I did) but she left me no choice and let me just say that I freakin' HATE girls who fight like.......well girls. Pulling my hair and scratching me doesn't really hurt, it just irritates me. I have these queer looking scratches welted up on my neck and arms and a bruise where she bit my wrist. I should probably get a tetanus shot.
Casey said her face looked like she went through a windshield the next morning. He stayed after I left (I got a ride home from Eric) and told me all about it later.
He said I shut her up but good, she didn't speak more than a handful of words for the rest of the time he was there. Rainman was stoked to get some peace and quiet and sent me a powdered thank you by way of Casey. No problem, always happy to help, that's just the kind of girl I am.
I still have it because after all that crap I think I need a speed-break. I'm really tapering off with that stuff, I just don't feel like doing it anymore. It could be because I'm finally getting what I really want but that's up for debate. I was never a big fan of speed anyway, it passes the time but that's about it. I only did it this weekend because of Richie and Eric. They wanted to get geeked out one last time before they go to court so how could I say no.
They go in for their preliminary hearing this week, I'm not sure what day. They told me but I could never keep track of my own court dates much less someone else's. I always have at least 3 failures to appear on my case by the time the cops catch up with me. I like to think it's their fault for citing me out, they should know better.
Things are going much better with me and Casey, he has been very touchy-feely ever since I told him I was gonna carve up the shop tramp. Then again, maybe he is just lulling me into a false sense of security so he can fuck around at his leisure, who the hell knows! I hope not because that will be another one of those situations where I won't be responsible for my actions.
I'm not a jealous girl. Seriously! Out of all my boyfriends he is the only one who brings that shit out in me. Josh is insulted that I tried to pawn him off on a regular basis and I used to actually recommend girls to Ed and then help him rate them later on.
I guess I do act more like a guy in that respect but I don't see a problem with it. What's the point in being all uptight anyway? It just makes you miserable! Being able to laugh at yourself (and others) will keep you sane. Maybe I'm not the best example of sanity but you know what I mean.
So do I really look like a 12yr old boy in the pic I posted a few days ago? Wow, I don't know what to make of that, I've been called alot of things but usually my big tits keep adolescent boy from being one of them. A boy huh? How EMO of me (ugh Emo).I suppose I'd rather look like a 12yr old boy than a 75yr old woman but I'm sure now that I've made the comparison some smartass will comment and tell me that I look exactly like a 75yr old woman. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I don't care.
Like I said in my last post, I was just pissy and talking(typing) shit felt oh-so right! I don't really give a damn when people hate on me, I'm not that sensitive. I just like the excuse to go off on meaningless rants where I can impress everybody with my mastery of the English language HAHA, I don't think I could have cashed in more 25 cent words if I'd tried. I'm so fucking brilliant I amaze myself! I know you all secretly agree with me, that's why I love you so much! You re-enforce my delusions of genius and fulfill my ever present need for recognition. Even my haters hold a place in my heart. I am an attention whore so therefor any publicity is good publicity, so hate on bitches, I love it!
I'm bored now so I will resume my schedule of (half-assed) cleaning, (whole-hearted) smoking and (loser-y)online dabbling. That speed is gonna stay untouched, I don't want it! Not right now anyway.
I have to go slather my battle scars in neosporin, that bite-mark itches like a son of a bitch!Maybe that cunt really was rabid, that's a comforting thought, they say human bites are worse than dog bites, I guess I'll find out.
Sending you so many hugs and kisses you won't know what to do with them all, this is Melody signing out. XXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOO

Inferior douchebaggery....anon's struggle to adapt AKA newer is not necessarily better

It's been a long weekend, I'm cranky(ugh) and I need to go to sleep. I'm sure you-all know why, so I won't even say it. I should be laying in bed listening to my heart flutter and trying to pass out but instead I decided to check my online shit. I noticed that I have some more wannabe insults from my ardent admirer anonymous. All I can say is.....go sodomize yourself with a hot curling iron you pathetic asshole, seriously! I am so beyond giving a fuck what you think about me. I wish I could find a way to express exactly what is going through my mind as I think of you. I wish I could let you all hear what I consider an appropriate rebuttal to anon's constant (yet sadly inferior) douchebaggery. Oh wait ,thanx to the help of my sweet new voice thingie I can. Anyone interested in hearing what I think of anon's tired old insults press play now.
That's right anon, I can't even take you seriously anymore, your not-so-scathing remarks fall way short. I'm "thrashy" looking, is that what I am? Boo hoo I may cry myself to sleep for a week over that one. The reality is that I kinda like that description, it's like the perfect balance between thrashed and trashy. I claim that word, it's all mine now and it may go on my next t-shirt. I might be "thrashy" but I never claimed to be otherwise, so making un-inspired comments about the way I look is pretty retarded.
You obviously have so many of your own issues that it makes you feel better to come on here, read my shit and then attempt to be clever. What the fuck can you say about me that I haven't already said about myself? I'm a whore, I'm stupid, I'm useless blah, blah, blah, so what, go tell it to someone who gives a fuck.
I think it's really amusing that you consider me to be such a big piece of crap but you are the one who is applauding the fact that my friends have died. You've got it all over me in the piece of shit department, that's for damn sure. I may be a useless junky but you are a played out misery monger, spreading your bullshit everywhere you go. I would never say I was glad someone died just because they were an addict, that's got to be one of the most ignorant statements ever put in print.
If anything you annoy me in the fact that you or others like you have nothing constructive to say. I see asinine, hateful comments left for some of my blog buddies that leave me (almost but not quite) speechless. I can understand why you try to rag on me, I'm totally unrepentant about the shit I do but some of these other girls are really trying to change their lives and all you have to say is "You're a stupid junky whore who should have been drowned at birth" or "Kill your baby, it's better than having a piece of shit like you for a mother" (I'm paraphrasing but you get the idea). What the fuck is your damage, I mean who says that? I have a big mouth and I talk alot of smack but come the fuck on. You are a sadistic waste of space motherfucker and I'm glad my girlie's don't take your hatred to heart.
I don't want you to get the idea that I'm on here ranting because I give a good goddamn about what you've said...I don't. I'm writing this because I'm pissy/coming down and I feel like talking shit for no good reason. I actually love the fact that you can't get through your week without checking up on me and trying (and failing) once again to make me feel inferior. Who's the loser now? Dipshit!
I think it's pretty awesome that I can generate that much animosity just by typing out a few paragraphs every day, if anything your witless comments make me feel brilliant and adored. I'm affecting some random jerk-off sooo badly that he/she can't help but go into spasticated comment seizures.Sweeeet! My genius can't be limited to my immediate vicinity, I've gone global baby!
Love me or hate me, you're reading me aren't ya?
I thought I needed to grow up! I am immature as fuck but at least I'm honest about it. I don't try to wrap myself in some cloak of self-righteousness and smug superiority. I'm not gonna sit here and lie about the way I feel just to placate some cluster-fuck mongoloid who thinks I should spend all my time hating myself. I love myself, I love the girl I was, am and will be. I refuse to pander to the people who are offended by my words or deeds.
If you don't like it piss off, you don't have to read it!
Your insults are redundant(that means repetitious), I hope I'm not using too many grown-up words for you, I do want you to absorb as much of this as possible. Perhaps it will drive you to come up with something more original next time. Don't be afraid, all those syllables won't bite, the dictionary is your friend.
To everybody else who can appreciate a girl who isn't afraid to speak her mind, I love ya, BIG KISS.
Anon, I think you need a colonic ASAP, your shitty (haha) attitude is reminiscent of someone suffering from severe constipation or maybe it's that HUGE fucking pole up your ass. Lighten up shit bag, you'll live longer.
Oh and one more thing anon, my "scumbag" junky friends were worth a million of your sorry ass, you wish you could be half the person that they were.

Vicious in my pursuit of vice

So I'm at home and in a pretty decent mood, I just heard from a certain 'friend' of mine and loadedness is immenent. It's about fucking time! I will be trying out the new product and letting him know what I think. For all his bitching and moaning Casey is pretty stoked as well. I am going to go easy this time as my so-called mini kick lasted almost as long as a normal one last time and it sucked!
I will NOT get strungout again! Maybe if I tell myself that enough times it will actually happen. I don't hold out too much hope but at least I won't drag Casey down with me. Even if I have to keep it hidden I won't let him get like he was. I'm not stingy, I would split my dope with him down to the last cotton, I just don't want him to get all fucked up again becasue of me.
If it hadn't been for the fact that Casey was here when I got the message, I may not have even said anything. He would have been better off. It's funny that I don't give a shit about myself, only him. I'm sure some of you are gonna think that my concern is rooted in selfishness, that I just want all that dope to myself. Not true! Money is not an issue, I could buy enough smack for the both of us to stay loaded for a month and then some. I just know how unhappy he gets when he goes overboard and starts to get dopesick. I won't do that to him again.
I won't lie, now that I know I can get some H I am really excited! It won't be until next week some time but hey, I'll be patient or try to be anyway. I didn't do any speed tonight even though it was offered, I just wasn't feelin' it.The boys got me to promise that I'd party tomorrow night....we'll see.
If you look at my pic above , you can see the earrings Richie gave me, he is such a sweet kid, I'm gonna miss him if he gets locked up, Eric too.
So that's it, I started at zero and next week I'll be there all over again, I wish I could say I was sorry but that would be bullshit. I guess we'll see what happens. I love all y'all, even the bitches that hate me. Kisses, Melody

Track-marked fetish girls and the perils of being 'too pretty for prison'

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All done, I'm a really good photographer if you couldn't tell

My sycophantic shame and oh so sensitive Josh... in that order

I feel like such a sellout! I spent the WHOLE weekend doing shit that I hardly ever do voluntarily. I mean I clean and cook but not all day every day. I sure as fuck don't get down on my knees to scrub floors. As I've said before I may be good on my knees but that is another situation entirely.
I'm a HUGE fucking slob, so staying on top of the house work (which I grudgingly do) is a big achievement for me. Making sure that the house is livable is about as domestic as I get, which if you ask me is pretty freakin' domestic! If that fucker thinks that me being part Mexican makes me his maid, puede chingar a su puta perra madre! Twice!
I feel like I was going out of my way to make myself agreeable and now, after the fact I feel like a dipshit! He knows how I am, if he can't deal with it then fuck him anyway.
I think I'm gonna re-dye my hair today, my un-natural blonde needs some work. I need to do it anyway but I think this may be a not-so-subtle way of telling Casey to go bugger himself. He HATES my blonde hair, says I get too much attention. Duh!
In my current frame of mind I may go a little overboard and end up with Andy Warhol white instead of Jean Harlow platinum but I really don't care. If anyone could pull that mess off it would be me.
I'll try to get my friend or his brother to take some pics of me so you-all can see me in all my bleached magnificence, you know you want to. I will just have to make sure that he (the brother) doesn't try to touch me, he has these weird little pudgy hands with stubby Vienna sausage fingers. They are ALWAYS sweaty too and I don't mean damp, I mean leaving puddles on surfaces-sweaty! Nasty little dwarf, every time he touches me he leaves a wet mark and I feel like there should be an audible sucking sound when he peels his fat,clammy little paw off my person.
He's not really a dwarf, just short. I have nothing against short people in general, just skeevy little pervs who leave sweaty hand prints on the ass of my jeans!
If anybody cares (probably not) I got a tedious phone call from Josh this weekend and even though he cleared some shit up for me it was still a pain in the ass. I think, (well actually I know because he told me) that he wants to exploit the sitch between me and Casey and come get me, he even *ugh* sang *gag/shudder* to me.
He used to do that alot when I was too loaded to tell him how cheesy it was. He actually plays the guitar really well but if you saw that pic of him then you know what a ridiculous sight that would be. Homie unplugged.
Be careful Josh, your slip is showing. Wouldn't want everyone to know what a sensitive balladeer you are. What would the boys back home think? Am I being an asshole? Maybe if you take into consideration the fact that the whole song was like one big acoustic guilt-trip I won't look like such a cunt. I've put it on default, y'all can judge for yourselves.
What the fuck is it about me that drives men to drugs and apparently musical instruments? I'm like a muse for the retarded,how flattering!
The song had some meaning back in the day when we were together Josh my love but now it makes you seem whiny and desperate. Whiny and desperate is no way to go through life. And yes I just called you retarded. Step away from the guitar babe, do us both a favor.
Possibly this semi-public humiliation will keep such a thing from happening again *fingers crossed*, here's hoping. I looooove you Josh-y (he hates that),just not in a 'Share your DNA' kinda way.....not anymore. Thanx for finally having the balls to say what needed to be said, even if I did have to pry it out of you.
So that's it for now, I'll put up the pics if I get 'em. I love you guys so much I'll brave the moist gropings of Tony-dwarf just to dazzle you with my likeness.
5 BIG kisses and one little hug,XXXXXo Melody

What love is...........

This is gonna be a short one. AAAWWW I know you're all disappointed but you will just have to cope. I am posting because I'm bored and trying really hard to stay in for the rest of the night. I was out for a minute earlier but decided to come back because Casey and I have been experiencing some issues this past week. Nothing major but I did threaten to go back to Cali. He said I could do what I wanted and that even though he loved me, I drive him nuts. Ditto!
He made some reference to a girl at work that has been pursuing him for the past few weeks. I told him that if I so much as dreamt that bitch was seriously slutting after him I would cut her tits off and shove them up her cunt! Not very pretty but I think I got my point across.
Those girls can flirt all they want, hell they can even cop a feel occasionally but let them think that they are gonna be the new Mrs. Casey and it's on! Not too many girls will risk bodily injury for a first date and the ones who will are in for an ass-kicking they will not soon forget. I learned everything I know from fighting off a 6'6-220 college football player (a jock, I'm so embarrassed) for a couple of years. Next to Grant, bitches ain't sheeeit!
Anyway enough of that, I may go back to Cali I may not, I'm not freakin psychic. However I do know that if I go it's going to be because I had no other choice, I'm not gonna give up easily. I know I can be a little difficult to live with at times (most times) but Casey is no walk in the park himself. We torture each other equally.
I dread the thought that Josh is gonna read this and try to ride to my rescue in his ridiculously overpriced vehicle. Please don't do that Josh, pleeeease! You have already made things hard enough by calling incessantly. It seems the only way I can get you to shut-up is by asking you about Lora or Ashley, how convenient! It really burns my ass that I had to find out about Lora and Fester from Anna who doesn't even live in Bako anymore!
This is getting a little too scattered and random, so I'll go now. XOXO, Melody

Mikey

The Mikey story, I can give alot more details on because I was indirectly involved. Again this happened when I was living at the Tower selling dope. We had been seeing less and less of Mikey because he had just had a daughter and he was staying clean for her. I had told him that if he really wanted to stay off the smack I wouldn't sell to him anymore.
This whole thing is just fucked up because Mikey was one of those people who started using after I did, not because of me but because we all hung out together and it was always around. He did his first shot in my apartment when I was 17 and he was 23. I didn't find out until after the fact but at that time I was so young and stupid that I probably wouldn't have stopped him anyway.
So Mikey had been clean and he was doing really well, I had run into him downtown one day and he looked healthy and happy. He was hanging out with this kid Matt who was a junky as well but on methadone. I never really got to like Matt because he was a kiss-ass and fake as fuck, just a smarmy little shit! He bought from me occasionally but for the most part he copped in oildale (he lived there too).
Well that day was the last time I saw Mikey alive.
At the time it was me and Casey and junky Jimmy (our runner) living in the room. It was around 9:30 pm and Jimmy had gone out to drop off some bags. I heard sirens outside and then someone was pounding on the door. We stashed our shit and when Casey opened it it was the cops. They said they had gotten a 911 call saying Jimmy had OD'd and that we had him hidden in the room. We had no fucking clue what they were talking about! They said they weren't interested in looking for anything else, they just needed to see if Jimmy was OK. I told them that Jimmy had gone to the store and had looked more than alive the last time I saw him. I went ahead and let them in, arguing about it would have made it worse anyway. They did just what they said, looking in the bathroom, closet and under the bed. Once they were satisfied that there was no dead guy in the room, they stood in the doorway and talked back and forth with the Motel manager telling her it had been a false call.
Right then my phone rang and when I answered it, it was Kenneth, he was freaking out so bad I could barely understand what he was saying. Finally he told me that he had gotten a call from some kid over at Matt's house saying that Mikey had fallen out and that they didn't know what to do. The kid had called 911 but Matt snatched the phone away from him and hung it up. When 911 called back, Matt answered it and told them that Jimmy had OD'd in # 211 at The Tower.....my room.
I told Kenneth that the cops and Emt's were at my door and that he better give me Matt's address NOW! He gave it to me and I was finally able to convince the cops that while they wasted time arguing on my doorstep Mikey was dying in oildale. A few minutes after they left Kenneth called back to say that the same kid that called him was at his door saying that he needed to get in the car right now, Matt hadn't even tried to help Mikey, he had dragged him up the driveway and left him in the dirt by the side of the road. Kenneth went with the kid and by the time they got there, the ambulance had arrived.
He said Mikey was all scratched up and covered in dirt from where that piece of shit Matt had dragged him up the gravel drive. The Emt's worked on him but got no response and he was transported and pronounced DOA at the hospital.
I found out later that Mikey had been out and struggling to breath for two hours before that kid had freaked and called 911. All that time and Matt had just sat there and watched him die. If that kid hadn't called Kenneth, Matt would have been content to say nothing, just to save his own ass.
He got picked up by the cops when they saw him peeking around the corner of his house watching them work on Mikey.
We got a call from Lora saying she had talked to Mikey's mom and that it had been too late. Too much time had passed and they weren't able to bring him back. Everyone was in shock, Mikey was gone. To this day I can't believe that somebody could be so ruthless, Matt and Mikey were friends and friends are supposed to look out for each other.
Alot of people say that it's just the kind of thing you can expect from a junky but that is bullshit! Being a junky doesn't automatically make you a piece of shit.
Many many people went gunning for Matt. Casey pulled him out of his truck at a stoplight and stomped the shit out of him. He said it felt good at the time but it was basically a futile gesture. No amount of ass-kicking will change things one bit. I think Jimmy said it best when Matt's girl friend asked him for some DVDs he'd stolen from them, "Matt wants his shit back? Tell him he can have it when get my friend back!"
So that's it, R.I.P. Mikey M. we miss you every day. Melody

Beautiful girl.......

1983-2007
I can't really say too much about Ashley's death because I don't know the details. What I can do is tell you about her life. She was such a sweet girl, she had been an alt model, a body piercer (she loved doing body mods) she had spent some time on the track. She was a friend to me when I needed it the most and I knew she would never judge me. Unfortunately, Ash had been abused so badly (mentally and physically)as a child, that she was never able to get over it. She used to say I was so lucky to be able let go of my past the way I did........I wish I could have found some way to help her let go of hers. Her issues were always hiding just under the surface.
She always tried to put on a happy face but sometimes, if you looked close enough you could see it all lurking there. Her eyes would be so full of pain and sadness, you would feel it like a punch to the stomach. I still get that feeling when I look at some of her photos.
She died Nov 20Th of last year and I still can't get any one to give me a straight answer as to how it happened. I hate to even think it but it's starting to seem more and more like she offed herself. I can't think of any other reason why my friends pussy-foot around the issue every time I bring it up. I suppose it doesn't really matter how she went, she's gone either way. I guess I will find out once and for all when I visit home, by that time it will have been over a year since it happened. I wrote about it when I first found out melodyleeisdamned.blogspot.com/2008/06/it-never-gets-any-easiernever.html , if anybody wants to go back. I feel like I failed her somehow, like I should have been there when she needed me and I wasn't. It's too late now and dwelling on the should-haves and saying 'I wish' won't bring her back.
Enjoy the pic, she was a beautiful girl, inside and out.

Never a frown with golden brown

I guess I feel OK today but then I suppose I should, I'm not the one whose dead. I'm not going to go into the whole Mikey thing too much. He was like my brother, one of our best friends and I had known him from the time I was 12. He was an amazing person, a true friend and some worthless piece of shit threw him in the street like trash and left him to die. Nuff said.
Anyway, I didn't get fucked up last night, though if I had been in possession of some H, I probably would have. I just sat with Casey and we watched seasons 2 and 3 of It's always sunny in Philadelphia. We slumped in front of the TV and pretended to watch, each of us locked in our own memories of days gone by.
Wow, I am so fucking poetic....or is it pathetic ? I forget. Whatever, time to move on.
I found out that my girl Lora is living in crackhead squalor with this guy Fester. They are currently shacked up at a motel and trying to sell chiva while smoking mass amounts of rock. I don't know how long that's gonna last, that place was burned out when I left it a couple years back, the cops were all over us.
Lora is a super cunt most of the time and one of my bestest friends ever, some people think that being an addict turned her into an asshole but they would be wrong. She was always an asshole. I love that girl so much. I have alot of friends but only a few close girl-friends, me and Lora got along from the beginning and even if we occasionally scrap and talk shit, it only lasts a few days. She is a down broad, I've seen her take on guys twice her size. No one would ever think that such a little girl could be so mean.
I met Fester when he showed up at our place wanting to cop. Jody had found him at the bus station downtown, sick and desperate. He had just rolled in from San Fran and had been sick for two days. Being my accommodating self I took pity on him and hooked him up, I can't stand letting people go sick if I can do anything about it. Even if he had been broke I would at least have got him well. Anyway, he was a squatter from 'Frisco and he ended up moving into the same house as us. It was actually Kristen's house, she had gotten hit by a truck a few years before and got a settlement. Another story for another time.
Kristen wasn't a junky, ironically enough she HATED heroin. Why the fuck she let us live in her house and sell it is a mystery. She decided that Fester was her dream man (I don't know how she could see past the smell) and moved him in. He turned out to be a really cool guy. He was the same age as we were and he never took advantage of the fact that it was his girls house. Some guys would have tried to use that as leverage to get free dope but not him.
So now I hear that he and Lora are together and it makes me a little sad, mostly because I know that Lora loves Jerry. They are just like me and Casey, irrevocably bound by some freak of chance. I know how miserable she is without him and I talk to Jerry and he misses her as well. It's sad. Look at me getting all emotional and shit.
I'm sure you-all enjoyed that lovely back story but I'll get to the point (like I ever have one).
Lora is a volatile bitch and I don't see things turning out well. Fester may be a calming influence (he's really mellow) but I know her and eventually that is just gonna piss her off. Plus they have no self-control. That's pretty fucked up when I say that about someone.
Selling smack is NOT easy especially when you're hooked on it. You have to think about tomorrow not just today. I have been in situations where I had dope but had to go sick in order to make sure I had my re-up $$$. Being sick is a motherfucker but being sick and having to sell bags you can't touch will test you. Lora will not go sick, I know this. She will tear at Fester until he gives her what she wants and worry about the consequences later.
This is starting to sound alot like me! Lora and I have a lot in common but I would NEVER spend more on crack in 4 hours than I spent on H in 2 days. Fuck a BUNCH of supporting a double habit, like one addiction isn't work enough. I would also never fuck off my re-cop money. If there's one thing I was ever good at it was sligin dope. HAHA a mothafuckin prodigy, maybe me and Rainman have something in common.
Damn I worry about that girl, I hope she does alright but I am pissed at Josh and Eddie for playing ignorant and not telling me what was up with her. I would have wanted to help her out, give her some money or something. I guess I still could. I'll look 'em up in December if they haven't been popped by then. I hope not, Fester just did a stretch in Corcoran and Lora doesn't do well in confined spaces.
I always feel like shit wouldn't be so bad if I was there to take care of things. I sometimes think that if I had been present, certain things wouldn't have turned out the way they did. Certain people would still be here.
I give myself alot of credit I guess. I can't be everywhere at once, HAHA super-fiend. Whatever, I may be amazing but I'm not that amazing. XOXO, Melody