Thursday, July 22, 2010
So clean, so depressing and I'm stuck on a weird incident from the past...well a few of them really but like most memories they tend to melt into one long dream and it's really difficult to decipher one day from another.
I got a voicemail from one of the people involved a few days ago and due to the nature of this particular memory, I'll just call him Alan. Of course Regina especially and miscellaneous others will know exactly who I'm going on about but for his sake, I'll leave him anonymous. Not that he would care, he was and is one of the few people I know who is as vulgar and shameless as I am. This is not always a good thing but what can you do...
So anyway, Alan had always been on the forefront when it came to inspiring shock and disgust, it was one of the things that made him so much damn fun to be around (most of time). From his "fuck the retarded" T-shirt (he always made sure to have at least one semi-retarded seizure in a public place while wearing this) to the fact that he often approached pregnant women and told them he wanted to fuck their baby..."riiiiight NOW." It's really alot funnier than it sounds, maybe you had to be there.
Around the first time we met him, he cemented his reputation by whoring himself to a repugnant, clammy handed guy named Cole...for a taco and a soda. Alan was not gay, (though it has been said now years later that he has more sugar in his tank than previously suspected) and he was not particularly hungry, he did because he could. Gotta respect that on principal, right?
So while we all went in and watched some random band play at Bam Bam's, Alan got his dick sucked by the most revolting chicken hawk of all time. I think we were all around 14 or 15 and it should have been more disturbing than it was but we took it in stride and spent the rest of the night laughing about how He'd made Cole buy a porno mag so he could hold it over his lap and look at naked bitches instead of the flat back of that pervo's head.
Years later this set a pattern for those two. As we all drifted deeper and deeper into heroin use and addiction, anytime A needed cash, he could always call Cole and come to an agreement. More often than not, I was the mode of transport to these rendezvous and it never failed to play out the same way. The ride there was spent with Alan running at the mouth about what a chump Cole was and," I don't give a fuck, that nasty queen wants to blow me and give me cash...fuck it, I don't give a fuck." My personal favorite was, "Just cuz he's sucking my dick don't make me a faggot." Ah, the eloquence of confused little boys, huh? A didn't have anything against gays, it just made him feel better to say it I guess, whatever works.
So one night I had set Sara up on this blind date with my friend Geno and she totally blew it off. I felt unbelievably bad, Gene was such a doll and he really wanted to take her. I felt so bad that I went instead, I think we saw a movie and ate dinner but we were both so loaded, who can remember.
Casey wouldn't care, he had gotten arrested in SF and was doing a few months in San Bruno for commercial burglary and besides, he trusted Geno completely.
Gene was one of my surrogate boyfriends at the time, coming over and helping me deal with shit because even though Frog was there, he wasn't exactly threatening and with Casey gone it was too tempting to come in and try to relieve me of an ounce or so of that sticky black tar.
So we had gotten back to Christen's to find Alan waiting and sick ( Frog had sold the last bag) and I guess he had called up Cole to try and make some cash before I got back. The connect was gonna take an hour and we offered to drive A to go meet his sugar Daddy. Frog acted appropriately horrified but we all know the truth behind that little act, don't we?
Anyway, we drove him there and waited for it to be over and on the way home we listened to Jet boy Jet girl and watched A transform from a swaggering buttface to a sniveling little boy and back again. All the bravado in the world can't make that situation palatable and it was taking it's toll. He always managed to rally though, calling on that thing that all us addicts rely on so much...selective memory. That and cracking jokes at his own expense so we could all laugh instead of dwell on how truly wretched the experience had been.
So I got that voicemail and instantly started listening to that song, almost without realizing what I was doing. Isn't if funny how an auditory memory can take you right back to a certain time and place? For me it was riding in Geno's Cadillac and listening to Captain Sensible sing that song while Alan alternately wiped tears and talked shit. Sweet Memory lane.
If you've never heard it, it's lovely, one of the few songs that made me wish I was a scrappy gay boy rather than my womanly self. I don't really care for the original, the CS version is what it's all about.
All over the place aren't I? What do you expect, I'm typing this while drowning in a flood of snot and tears and yawning like I have a damn heart condition!
That's it, I'm done. I have things to do and well, I'm antsy just sitting here, soooo...til next time,
PS. That is a drawing off lizbaillie on livejournal, just to give credit n all, though why I'm caring is beyond me.
PPS. Regina and Anna please try and restrain yourselves from commenting on his real name, I know y'all want to!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
So I called Rich and told him he'll love me forever regardless and that I'm not going looking for her just because they want me to, contrary to popular belief, I'm not that easy. If our paths cross at the appropriate time, then maybe but I'll be damned if I go out of my way. I'm not a bully for fuck sake...Unless they pay me to be.
Rainman is usually too caught up in his geeked out fantasy world to pay much attention to his crew's random cock ornaments but this girl has managed to pierce even his meth thickened skin. He'll pay me, he has before but I don't want a ridiculous amount of methamphetamine, I want cash baby. I'm so over the cryssy right now!
The last time I did some was months ago, a crazy good batch that R-man was very generous with...too generous. Long, jagged shards of barely opaque glass that smoked for days and days and left nothing behind to mar the pipe. So strong that shooting was advised against...too strong.
I was soooo fucking gakked, all of us were and it led to some stupid shit, not the least of which was almost wrapping the truck around a cow out in the middle of nowhere. Not my finest moment. That and a few other incidents have made me wash my hands of any further speed adventures, at least til I forget what that come down felt like. Christ on crutches that was a miserable fucking week!
So yeah, cash only fuckers or opiates of equal value, nothing less will do.
The truly sad thing is that I don't think Adrian would care if I did run her off, I mean he just ditched her (again!) to go buy me ciggs and Iced coffee. I don't know about you but to me that speaks volumes. They had this ridiculous scene across from my house the other night and had I been less preoccupied, I might have done just what they all want from me and kicked her ass from here to Kansas! I think perhaps the wench grows tiresome and who could blame him? All that ill conceived animosity towards people she doesn't really know, that has to be a drag. I was just telling darling Leora that guys are retarded and need to be more discriminating when choosing a cum dump, they always end up with psychos that make more of a situation than it really is. This thing with Ade is a perfect example! I could be wrong but I don't think he was looking for a long term , ball busting old lady and now he's too nice to tell her to piss off.
Jealous bitches are the worst and how it must rankle for a girl like her to be jealous of me. She's younger, free of tattoos and track marks, cute (like a baby viper) and most importantly, she's spread wide open for him anytime he chooses. I'm not any of those things and yet she's the one sitting at her sister's apartment while her boyfriend runs around and buys me shit, with her credit card no less! Cruel, cruel world. *smirk*
I almost feel sorry for her, I would if she wasn't so goddamn stupid! These girls who think that their gold plated pussy is gonna be the one thing to change a mess of a man, well it's just sad. Adrian is a disaster, an ungodly attractive one but a disaster nonetheless. No piece of ass will ever change that, not hers, certainly not mine...you take the mess with the man or you move on to one with less baggage. No one can change anyone else, it's a fact and lil Miss pep squad hasn't figured that out yet. Tough lesson, bitch.
If I'm being mean, well I'm not really in the mood to feel bad about it. Adrian just pulled up, in HER car and he looks so adorable, too good for a little girl who only sees him for what she can make of him, not what he is. He's deliciously damaged, sweet, considerate and a better man on drugs than most men are off. Pretty involved opinion for a bitch who claims she doesn't care, huh?
I have serious issues with the men in my life, I'm still confused as to how I can carry on these (mostly) platonic relationships without self destructing. Somehow I've managed to keep Casey from killing all of us and also kept myself from giving in to either of them. I consider them mine in a weird way, not like I care if they go out and fuck whoever but if it were to get serious, I think it would bother me. Now who's the jealous bitch?
The really stupid thing being that I'm fairly sure I could have kept one or another of them if I had really wanted to. Adrian for sure and Richie on lesser but no less satisfying basis. So lame!
I need to get my head straight when it comes to my boys and...and then what? I'm open to suggestions because fuck if I know how to handle it. I actually love the little bastards, not in the way I love Casey of course but it's still genuine. I would miss them if they were gone but it's not fair to keep this up is it? One more reason I loathe the detox process, I get all introspective and stupid, hashing out shit that can be put off til a later date.
Though honestly, I'm not really sick anymore. I cashed in on the fact that my percocet script ran out a week ago (gone 3 days after I got them if you wanna know the truth) and went to urgent care for a temporary med refill. I made sure I was sweaty, shaking and so on just to make it look authentic. I'm brilliant when it comes to psyching myself out so my vitals go all screwy and back up my story.
It's not really lying, I would be getting those pills anyway, seeing as how my useless docs are at their wits end when it comes to my medical issues. Pain managment is the only option, there's no cure for what ails me (in more ways than one, heh). I don't think they would be too impressed if I told them that heroin is the only thing that chases away the sizzling nerve pains, they would assume it's psychosomatic (it's not) and leave it at that.
I feel like Keyser Soze every time I leave the hospital, the further I get from the building, the more my symptoms disappear. By the time I get to my car, script in hand, I'm barely recognizable as the rocking, palpitating wretch they saw a few minutes before.
To be continued, Maniac is done with the pics and Adrian is leaning over my shoulder trying to read what he oughtn't...he's been drinking my coffee and smells like vanilla lattes and cigarettes, sooooo damn good. Oh shut up Regina, who are you, the morality police? I can think it can't I? Just look-ie no touch-ie, I promise.