Wednesday, May 16, 2012
I'm doing it again. I kinda just Billy Idol-ed and I can see things rapidly deteriorating from there. If you pay attention (and have an awful lot of fucking time on your hands), you can decipher exactly what's going on with me by whatever I'm listening to. 80's pop can go either way but Billy? Billy means trouble. Rich is coming to visit, late tonight maybe and it just lines up with the time I'll be highhhhhh and a very happy girl all around...
Well THAT never materialized. I DID get high but only after a very tedious and convoluted process which involved Smash (who has been christened 'Smashley') and me leaving Casey a nice note and fleeing town for 12 hrs. This was mainly because Francis fucked everything up and I got tired of waiting around.
So we made it to Espanola around 2am and got good and loaded before coming back, hence the extra six hours. It was nice. It was also 2 fucking weeks ago, so no point in getting into the rest of that now.
I need a cigarette, a REAL one. These e-things are ok but for what I'm dealing with right now, only a real one will do.
So yeah, I'm fucked but not literally, so that's something, right? OF COURSE it is, you asshole(s), whether you admit it or not. I might be an unholy mess but I know where my lines are and when not to cross them. Fine though they might be, as long as I can see them, who gives a fuck if anyone else can.
Take steps to justify your actions to your self first, if at all and should you decide you can live with it, more power to ya. If you can't, you should be in another line of work.
And it IS work, don't let anyone tell you that being a full time fuck up is easy, it's not. You log more miles than a truck driver, both literally and figuratively. And when it's good, it's really, really good but when it's bad, it's fucking brutal. You deal with it and move on...or you don't.
Now there's a lot happening and so much that I'm not gonna tell you...yet. But I will, eventually. I guess it turns out I'm a truly horrible person but I went through the aforementioned steps and eh, I'm cool with it.
Some Caligula-ish happenings this past week have taken their toll on mine and Ade's already fragile relationship but what can I say? Not my idea, NOT my problem. For your peace of mind I will tell you that no brother-sister action took place, just...just other stuff. GOSH Sammi, it was SO nice seeing you again, girl! Haha, messed uuuuuuup.
Nah, it really was nice to see her and probably would've worked out better if Adrian wasn't a fuckhead and had kept his attention where he should've, not on me. Idiot.
Crap. Now I feel like I'm being forced to reveal more than I'd intended, just so everyone is clear on the fact that I was NOT actively participating in 99.9% of what was going down. Literally going down. And whether you believe me on that is not real crucial because I think we all know that if it was imperative that I blow that fool, I so would've done it by now. Simple as that. I got no fucking shame, just a fairly serious oral fixation that I've managed to keep a decent handle on for the last 4 years.
Anyway, I think I deserve some recognition for keeping unauthorized dick outta my mouth and away from my general vicinity. For the most part anyway and am I the only one who is LOVING the way 'unauthorized dick' sounds? LOVE IT.
So to make a long story short, Sammi +Adrian's dick in her mouth+ his weird eye contact with me = some seriously awkward bullshit. As L. pointed out, it would've been waaaaaaay fucked up if Sam knew he was doing it but luckily she didn't notice.
You may be asking yourself, "WHAT...the hell is wrong with this cow, why didn't she just beat feet the hell outta there?" So to that, I'll reply, "BECAUSE THEY WERE PRACTICALLY ON TOP OF ME! And being that I'm super chill and rad in every way, I didn't want to be that bitch who broke up the BJ party...OK??? Fuck.
Furthermore, we were all so Goddamned high, that it just didn't seem like a big deal. I was fine ignoring it until Adrian looked back at me and implemented his creepy, unwavering stare and oh yeah, HELD MY FUCKING HANDS!!! Uh-huh. Guess who almost got broken fingers for her trouble? Yeah.
So anyway, I think I really do need a vacation, even if it is to loathsome Las Vegas. I'll be too fucked up to care where I am anyway, so yay dope. It's necessary and besides that, I promised and actually meant it this time.
So that’s all for now
P.S. I just found a rather baffling pool of dried blood on my bedroom windowsill. Hmmm...great to be me, ain't it?