Dead in Love

I have become unspeakably lazy when it comes to writing and it's starting to bother me a teensy bit. I'll work on that, which should make everyone feel better. Or I guess that depends on which side of the fence you happen to favor. If you actually want to read about me, then it's excellent. If you fall into the majority, which is to say, people who wish I would contract a super lethal strain of HIV and expire, well then I guess not, haha. Whatever. Eat shit and live loooooooooong, motherfucker(s), death is far too good for you.

Moving on; I'm detoxing and I don't really feel like doing this but I guess it's time. Is this what they call suffering for your (un-) 'art'? I'm going with yes. So I'll continue by saying that I've proven once again (YES AGAIN), how inconstant I am. In some noble attempt to save someone from himself, I have removed my *MY-self from the equation. What an exceptional thing for me to do; I'm SUCH a good person. (Shut up). For my next trick...

Anyway, yeah that happened but I'm sure that further down the line he will be ecstatic to have dodged the bullet that is Melody Lee. I will fuck your shit up proper if you let me, it's what I do. Whether it's intentional or not depends on the situation but it's invariably what happens. Ask around...take a poll...whatever makes you feel better.

I can be a lot of fun but totally not worth it. The best you can hope for is that maybe I gave you some good shit to remember along with the bad stuff I assured you was a great idea. I'm not Devil's advocate; I'm the Devil. And there's A LOT of bad shit that I fully endorse. It's a helluva list...

 I said I would make them hate me and damned if it's not headed that way. It's for the best, really. I'm not something you hang on to for long, keeping me close will make you crazy or kill you. Or make you crazily want to kill yourself. Mmhmm.

Adrian had to take a nice, long 'rest' in a booby-hatch because of what went down. How much was actually me and how much was a semi-serious case of meth psychosis, is up for  debate but when asked, he lay the blame squarely at my door. So there ya go. I drive people to erm...distraction (bug. nuts.) Make like Op-Ivy and Take Warning: this product is  known to cause confusion, depression, mania, obsession, drunkenness, delusions, self doubt, paranoia, stalking, nightmares, nocturnal emissions and is NOW rumored to make you certifiable. Yes that's right, insane.

But aside from that, I'm a totally awesome person! Hahaha, I swear to Jesus, why don't  people ever learn? It should be fairly easy to do, as it's outlined in my basic intro. Spend more than a few days around me and I'll tell you how it's gonna go. ( Hint: Not well, dumb-ass!).

I suppose that's the main issue, that I seem to have no problem attracting people. I don't know...I just. don't. know. It truly makes one fear for the future of the species, how obtuse a human being can be. Someone told me the other day that I have a weird, self destructive charisma (LAME!) and I dunno about that, I just know I'm best avoided.

Hmm... what I could've done with that kind of magnetism, had I the motivation to fully abuse it. If it were true, I mean. Which it *might be...to an extent. I rather think that it's just a super refined form of manipulation that I secrete like a pheromone. It's become completely involuntary at this point in my life. I'm thinking it must've developed quite early which means I'm not rotten, I'm just hyper-evolved. Just let that sink in for moment, hahaha.

 Fuck. This is a sad, sorry update and I'm sure it's not the kind of juicy bullshit y'all were hoping for but I'll get to that. I have a strange, skin-crawly feeling that I will be posting quite a bit of garbage for the next few days. But you know, sometimes I'm a liar...

It's been...like some seriously fucked up shit on a day to day basis. There's  a lot of new people in my life and some of the old ones too. Even been hangin' out with a bitch, if you can believe that! They usually don't care for me and the feeling is mutual (hookers!), but we get along  pretty well and she's down for whatever, which is always nice. I'm thinking we'll find some shit to get into today but that's tentative. We'll see...

Adrian is in AZ visiting his momma, so he's been leaving me alone for a minute. He seems improved but he was always good at hiding his bullshit until it's vibrating somewhere between Phil Specter and Gary Ridgeway. Then he just explodes with that tiresome angst of his and I have to distance myself. I'm just not built to deal with that kinda drama.

 I am not very sympathetic; I know I come off as a caring, nurturing type but no. I'm entirely too selfish and easily annoyed to give a fuck about his issues, even  if they are partially my fault. I mean, they say it's my fault but I'm not truly convinced...it just sounds like a cop out. Don't be so fucking weak, dude. Yeah, that sounds shitty; whatever.

You know, all these years people have been telling me that I act and think like a dude and I finally realized that's not exactly it. I'm just callous and dis-associated from emotions that don't effect me directly i.e. not mine. I really only care when it's me, other people's problems become a drag after about 2 minutes and that's a generous estimate. If saying that makes me some offshoot of a sociopath, so be it.

Alright, maybe the above is an oversimplification of the problem but it's about 99% accurate. I DO care, on occasion but over the years, most of my 'give a fuck' has been wrung out of me and I'm just over it. People are a bunch of whining, soul sucking twats. I know this for a fact.

Sometimes I think it must be retribution for something I've done...can't imagine what that would be though.

I know this is getting to be broken record status, but I really need to get the fuck out of New Mexico. I'm not sure where I want to go anymore, I've been away from Cali for so long, I'm almost afraid to go back. Des wants to move us to Espanola but I told her we'd be dead in a month. THAT is also a generous estimate.

I'm so tired of Casey and his constant drunken martyr act that for the first time in years, I'm seriously considering moving on. Either you want me or you don't, make up your pickled mind. You can't tell me to leave one minute and then act like you never said it the next. I KNOW what's wrong with me, I don't require a verbal reminder every time you over-imbibe, YOU FUCKING TOOL. Ugh! I cannot abide a drunkard! It's such an...undignified vice. At my worst I can still vocalize what it is I need to get across, not slur my words like a half a goddamned re-tard. Once I wake up, that is. Just not my kind of substance, I guess.

I'm losing momentum here. I just had a 30 minute extreme incest call that kinda put me off anything but taking a long fucking shower, blech! No worries, I'll post this and be back ranting about something else before you know it. I PROMISE.
M.L.

My Turn as a Domestic Slut has Truly Come to an End!

Ok, so the pic has nothing to do w/my post, just bringing my work home with me, I s'pose.

So just to spite my newfound productivity, I ditched out on the second half of my shift last night, not a very subtle self-saboteur am I? Thinking I may be recovering some of my manic house cleaning energy, I have devoted myself to doing laundry today, though the fact that my dryer seems to be rebeling against it's one and only purpose (to dry, duh!) is seriously chipping away at my morale. Susie Homemaker I am not! It's been proven, time and again that I am quite possibly the worst house keeper ever.
 I loathe cleaning...any kind of cleaning and I truly feel that the only thing driving me to scrub the house on a regular basis was lack of anything better to do. Now that I've found other ways to occupy myself, mopping the floors is the last fucking thing on my mind. Casey is somewhat displeased by my lack of motivation where house-wifely duties are involved and I find that I must keep reminding him that just because I'm Mexican, don't make me his fucking maid! Clever no? Clever si!
The one thing I have going for me is that I can cook, oh man can I fucking cook! Anything and everything and it's not only edible, it's usually delectable! Not braggin...well, maybe a little but a girl has to take her bows when and where she can. If I was a more practical sort, I would be sprinkling my posts with some of my kick ass recipes but alas, practical is not me at all. Plus I don't think that y'all are here to read about my unbelievably good version of beef wellington or how to make the best godamned creamy chicken soup with cheese tortellini, celery and leeks. Shame really cause that soup is soooooo fucking good! Even Casey likes it and he is usually too much of a carnivore to enjoy soup as a main course.
So anyway, I'm watching Roman Holiday and periodically dragging my ass outside to hang clothes on the line and shopping online for a new dryer. I want one of those front loaders that you can get in all the cool colors. I'm a bit unhappy with my new laptop, I got it in "moolight white" which looked alot better in the demo. It would have been closer to the truth had they called it denture beige! But  the pavillion is tons better that that crappy vaio I had and if the color is the only thing wrong then I count myself lucky. That vaio was sooooo worthless! It was brand new and ran like a 5 yr old e-machine, I was totally disgusted so I got this HP Pavillion dv7 and now I'm happy. No more freezing up for absolutely no reason and refusing to convert my music files, fuck I hate that vaio!
So I had this really weird dream where I was getting molested by Joel Mchale but not as himself, as the guy he plays on community. The weird part being that it wasn't totally unpleasant. I'm usually immune to Ryan Seacrest-ish guys who use too much hair product but whatever, we all have our moments I suppose.
I'm also curious to know why it is that I am constantly getting propositioned via IM by guys from unheard of Ukranian villages. No, I am not the least bit interested in ,"having the webcam sexy" with you! I'm starting to think that my messenger ID's have been scrawled on the wall of some virtual men's room because I doubt they all got it from here. They never do tell me where they got it and I'm torn between thinking they're being coy or maybe just don't understand enough english to give me a proper answer. Oh well, that's what the "appear offline" setting is for.
Casey just got home and is shooting me adoring looks because by all appearances, the house is in the same state as when he left 4 hours ago. Nevermind that I have been hanging out washing like a Filipino houseboy! Maybe Regina can come stay and be our Filipina house girl? Haha, she'd love that! The only thing Regi likes more than housework is being subjected to Casey's moods.
So I have some rather interesting news on the Richie/Adrian/Casey front! Richie has somehow managed to get his hands on a weekend pass for the 6th of next month and has proposed that Adrian pick him (and some dilaudid) up in Colorado and then they meet me and Casey in Espanola. Wow, is that a recipe for disaster or what? Since I haven't filled you all in on the details of my last few hours with Rich, you can only judge from what you already know but even with that info you gotta know it's major bad news! Casey is sooooo unenchanted with Richie right now and he still hasn't gotten past my Adrian/crack episode.  I don't know what R has planned since he doesn't shoot and will have to piss test as soon as he gets back to the home but I doubt he's gonna go without. I need to think this through a bit more, ok ALOT more.
I'm off, I need to go throw more clothes in the washer and kick the dryer on my way out the back door. Fat Mike (sprawled across my shoulders) says hello.
Kisses,
~Melody Lee

Espanola update.......

You know when you build something up in your mind? You tell yourself that it is going to be amazing and that things are going to turn out a certain way. You go in expecting success and then end up being totally disappointed......
Well this is NOT what happened hahaha, Espanola was everything I had anticipated and more! I swear I could smell dope in the air the second we drove across the Rio Arriba county line. It took us less than 45 minutes to get things rolling and we were loaded within an hour of our arrival. I will post the details tomorrow as I am feeling rather nod-ish and can't seem to focus long enough to write much.
We now have a hook-up in Espanola and will undoubtedly be making the trip on a regular basis. It was/is a prime example of black tar and makes me homesick for Bako haha. I'm waiting for Casey to get home so we can indulge in our favorite pastime....mainly getting high and then being disgustingly lovey-dovey. Heroin (in small doses) seems to bring out the mushiest of the mush and we end up cuddling on the couch or out on the swing in the back yard. The occasional cigarette burn notwithstanding, a fantastic time has been had by all and will continue to be had until sometime tomorrow. We didn't spend all that much $$ this first time around but that is probably for the best. I will be back tomorrow...........
Oh on a side note, I got approved for a credit card hahahahaha, it came in the mail today. I have in my possession a shiny new MasterCard oh oh....
When I mentioned to Casey that I had gotten approved and that some bank was extending credit in my name he looked at me in disbelief and said, "Are they fucking stupid?" Haha I hafta agree with him on this one, my credit history speaks for itself and anyone who issues me a card is taking a giant leap of faith. Suckers!
Anyway, I'm off to go watch sickeningly saccharine musicals on TCM and wait for my baby to come home. Hmmm, Casey, Heroin and turner Classic Movies, does it get any better than that? Not for me it doesn't! Adieu kids, lots of loaded hugs and kisses until tomorrow. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO, Melody Lee

Miracles come in all shapes and sizes

Did you guys know that back in the 1800's alcoholism was such a problem that they used to advertise 'miracle cures' in the back of ladies magazines and catalogues? One of these cures was a liquid that women were supposed to sneak into their husbands after-dinner coffee in order to keep him from going on a bender. It was guaranteed to ease your spouse into a restful sleep and keep him that way til morning. No more drunken mauling or verbal abuse. It was perfect! If you could get past the fact that this 'miracle cure' was actually liquid morphine (laudanum) and that instead of having a husband who was a drunk, you now had one that was addicted to opiates, by your own hand no less! Not really a relevant story, I just thought it was interesting, my head if full of useless movie/pop culture/drug trivia and it leaks out occasionally. I mean who(besides me), really cares about the name of Erroll Flynn's boat? Even if it was the one where he (allegedly) committed several counts of statutory rape. No one really knows (or cares) who the first girl to jump off the Hollywood sign was, but I know her name, even if I can't really tell you why I know it, I just do. Whatever!
So, I'm gonna put it(H) away.......I think. I don't really wanna contend with an extended bout of dopesickness so.....
Maybe I can hide it away til next week, that would be the thing to do, that way when Casey comes home wanting a shot, which he will, I can say no and he'll just have to deal with it. He doesn't need to go to work all loaded or sick. I can curb myself enough so that if I put it away, I can stay out of it for a week, haha self-control at it's finest. I did a shot this morning and I think that's it for now. I'm going to try really hard to stick to my decision and see how that goes, don't worry, if I fuck up y'all be the first ones to know.
I waaaaaaaay overdid it ! It's not often that I do enough dope to make me sick but I managed to pull it off this weekend. I spent most of Saturday doing shots.....and then running to the bathroom to puke my guts up. Alot of people think that it's not worth it, having to put up with nausea in order to get loaded. Maybe to them it's not, I eat tons of gummi candy the whole time I'm high, so when it does come up, it tastes just as good as it did going down. I'm sure y'all were just dying to know that huh?
Anyway, I'll probably be posting a bunch of angsty drivel for the next few days, just til I get my emotions back under control, so bear with me. Maybe I'll post a few more hooker stories, that should pass the time and maybe entertain you a bit as well. You know me, I live to serve.Love y'all bunches and bunches, Melody

I am domestic as fuck!

This weekend has been amazing! I got an unexpected hook-up from my 'friend' and although I tried to wait a few days we ended up banging a shot within hours of getting it. Big surprise right? I'm gonna be paying for it all next week but I knew that when I fixed the first shot, so I have no one to blame but myself.
We have spent the whole weekend nodding and watching movies and being goofy, just having a good time in general. We watched a movie called Jesus Son, which is really good, I recommend it! It's about a junky guy in the 70's who gets himself straightened out but it's a long, twisted path to get there. It stars Billy Crudup and he does a fantastic job playing the dim yet endearing heroin addict. 2 thumbs up!
This is just a quick hello and then I'm off because Casey just woke up and I promised him biscuits and gravy (homemade) for breakfast. I make awesome homemade biscuits! I roll that shit out and everything and my country gravy? Forget about it! I'll have to invite y'all over for breakfast sometime. Don't worry the side order of heroin is optional. I'll write more later, tomorrow maybe. Being high makes me all lovable and domestic so I'll be doing housewife-y type stuff today......cooking, cleaning, having long bouts of smack enhanced sex with my honey, you know, the usual. That's one of the things that is a definite plus about using occasionally, we don't have to deal with heroin induced impotence, just the opposite in fact. Niiiiiice!
So I'ma go now but I'll holler at y'all later on. Have a maaaaahvelous weekend daaaaaahlings XOXOXOXO, Melody

This is what I've looked like ALL weekend!

I'm a little nod-ish because someone (you know who you are) played devil on my shoulder and talked me into doing another shot. To be fair, it wasn't that hard to convince me and I love her anyway plus I would have just done later on if she hadn't. I popped it in my hip 'cause I was too lazy to try and hit so it's been creeping on me for awhile. Niiiiice!
Casey got up in my face and snapped the above pic and it just seemed to capture everything about the last few days. My pinned pupils, the dazed look on my face, if you knocked on my door this weekend, I answered it looking like that. This was after I butchered my hair sometime early Saturday morning. According to Eddie, I look loaded in all my pictures(even when I'm sober), but I think he'll agree that in this one I look particularly fucked-up. I also thought the black and white added a nice touch.
The Dope was choice! Yes it was still that Afghan shit and no, I didn't use vitamin C. That shit scares me, which is pretty ironic considering that I've shot up lots of stuff way scarier than vitamin C/ascorbic acid. In order to fix it, I just heat the shit out of it til it cooks up, it won't dissolve in water so I have to fire it up good!NO cold cooking like tar. Sooooo not what I'm used to but I'm learning, HAHA you can never have too much knowledge.....or dope.
So it's almost gone and I have to say not a moment too soon! I'm sure I'm gonna feel like shit tomorrow and we'll end up doing the rest. I hate, hate, hate the fact that I start getting dopesick after only a few days. It took me weeks when I first got sprung.......I guess a decade of near constant use makes it somewhat easier to get re-acquainted with my addiction. HAHA, I think smack addiction may be the only thing in my life that I haven't half-assed. How inspiring!
So anyway, I'll write more later. My eyes have a mind of their own and want to shut themselves. loves you, M.

Right on schedule

Sweet Jesus I feel magnificent! My "friend" is divine. I have elevated him to deity status. I am still a little amazed that someone I have never met or even spoken to has been so fucking consistent.
Casey is off work today as he has court and we are both thankful that people in this town are so ignorant when it comes to H that his pinned pupils will not be noticed. He has blue eyes almost like a Siberian husky so when he gets high it looks weird. I love it, it's almost like he's looking right through you. Sexy beast that he is, my baby. I don't think I have to mention that H makes me tons more affectionate than usual. Don't get me wrong, I would fuck the boy seven ways from Sunday on a daily basis. I don't need H to make me want my psycho-licious sweetheart.
Speak of the devil...........talk to y'all later. Melody Lee

Welcome to my pity party.

It's almost 11pm and where am I? Not asleep, obviously. Not high, unfortunately. I'm sitting in front of the computer, squinting up at the screen and trying way too hard to think of something even remotely clever to write. It's sad that this is the best I can come up with. I know I should go on to say something about how happy and well-adjusted I've become in the time I've been clean, but I'm just not feeling up to that sort of self delusion right now. If you've read this far then I feel I should at least spare you the usual "I've worked sooo hard and come so far, Praise Jesus blah, blah, blah." You don't deserve that crap and I get semi-nauseous just thinking such drivel, much less writing it down or "gulp" expressing it aloud. I have nothing against self- improvement or God for that matter, but I refuse to spout bullshit just because it's what I'm expected to say. I'm sure mom would love to hear me say that I am a changed girl, have turned over a new leaf ect., but it's just not so. The fact that I have gone this long without so much as seeing a syringe much less actual Heroin is due to this town, not my self control.
That's right people, if you ever think to make a completely life altering change, move to Farmington, New Mexico. Nothing against this place (not really anyway), but for a displaced junkie it sucks. Aside from being like the Twilight Zone (in a bad, completely uninteresting way), there is not shit to do here. Every time I set foot outside the door I am painfully reminded of how much I miss Cali. Seriously, it hurts me.
I'm sure that any Farmingtonians will be pissed to read this, you know the whole, " I can shit talk my town but no one else can" thing. Well, Fuck all y'all.
Anyway, I feel like this place is severely off in so many ways. Where are all the hustlers and Dope fiends ect.? Not here. If they are I can't find 'em. Not the kind I want anyhow. So frustrating.
It has come to my attention, via the Internet, that Northern New Mexico is supposed to be flooded with mass quantities of Black. Apparently Espanola is the O.D. capital of the USA. In what twisted alternate reality is it possible that I am a mere few hours from this Dope Mecca, yet cannot score to save my life? Can it be that no enterprising Paisa's have thought to share the bounty of the Espanola Valley here with us in crappy Farmington?
It's rather pathetic that at this point I am so violently in need of a good shot that I am trying to mastermind a fool-proof way to get one of my fellow junkies back home to send me some. I know, you laugh, and don't think I haven't spent countless hours trying to devise some way to fulfill this mission without getting totally ripped off. It's nothing against my babies in Bako, but come on now, let's be honest, we're all Dope fiends and it's so much easier to justify burning someone long distance. You don't have to worry about seeing them face to face or having to come up with some bullshit story, you just avoid their calls and hope they don't come for a visit anytime soon. Easy. Also I know that if someone sent me money to send them some Dope I would probably consider it for all of 5 seconds, then remember the fact that they were in Buttfuck, New Mexico, not strung out at all, just fiending. Therefore it would be logical to assume that I was in much more need of it than those suckers.
So there you have it. My dilemma. If I can so easily see myself doing such a thing (and I am a Princess among Dope fiends), then far be it for me to put it past my junky brethren. I do miss and love you all, even the motherfuckers I can't stand the sight of, that's how homesick I am.
Oh well, better homesick than dope sick I guess. Somehow I can't say that and really mean it. It must be a side effect from all those years of drug use, stupidity with a huge side of selective memory. That must be it because the "good ol days" weren't that great. Yesterday always seems better than today, ain't that about a bitch! I hope I won't be looking back at tonight sometime in the future thinking it was fucking fantastic. M.