Monday, October 20, 2008
My own personal hell comes to life.....sorta
So I'm not feeling great......not too bad but not good either. Fuck it, it was worth it! I was fighting my way through machine gun sneezes all day but it seems to have tapered off. This half-assed sickness I can handle but what took place a few hours ago may just scar me for life.
OK, it might not seem that serious to y'all but for me it was......NOT nice.
Starting from the beginning: I decided to log in to one of my services and take some calls. This usually works to take my mind off my edginess/dope hangover. It does NOT work when I am full blown sick and may have to hunt down and slaughter the motherfucker who attempts to get off to me while I'm in that state.
Anyway, all was going well, I had the usual calls......B&D, barely legal,tranny, you know, typical phone bone and then.........
I get a request from one of my LEAST favorite sadistic regulars, I'll call him Carl. Carl's favorite thing to do is scare and humiliate you, which is not really a problem seeing as how it's just over the phone and his repertoire is pretty un-original. The reason I dread his calls is that he has a fascination with shit(yes I mean poo) and seeing as I do not, it gets a little tedious blabbing about flailing in feces for hours.It can be hella sick and ridiculously funny but it's NOT my thing so after about 45 min I start to run out of stuff to say about it.How much can you really say about poop anyway?
He also has a bad smarmy/superior attitude,like a school cop that becomes intolerable after about 5 seconds. He likes to try and find out what bothers/frightens you the most and use it against you. Normally this is not a problem, I just make something up and pretend to be horrified. Easy! Besides, unless you are a total schizo, how can you be afraid of a phone perv? I play submissive, he jerks off and I get paid...every body's satisfied.
Until tonight! I'm not sure monetary compensation is sufficient for what I endured this evening. I know you-all are going to laugh when I tell you about it so I'll just say it now....there is nothing rational about a phobia it's just scary and you can't really explain it, even if you know better.
So things started off predictably with Carl playing 20 questions so he could try and mind fuck me. I was playing along, making up lame answers and watching TV on mute (I'm multi-talented). We were getting to the part of the call where he tries to bully me into confessing my deepest darkest fears when disaster struck. As my shitty(No pun intended) luck would have it Carl had just screamed, "Tell me what you fear you filthy slut!" when a commercial came on. I loathe commercials but this one happened to be the MOST hated one of all.
I sat in horror for about 10 seconds before shuddering and muttering to myself, "UGH....the Burger King" forgetting that Carl was still shrieking in my ear for an answer. I changed the channel just as Carl said,(in a really baaaad German accent) "Ahhhhhh, zeeee Buuuurger Kiiing...."
WHAT? NO! I tried in vain to convince Carl that I had been joking but the weaselly little bastard could hear the desperation in my voice and demanded that I "Shut the fuck up, tonight you will be at zeee mercy of zeee Buuuuurger Kiiiiiing!"
The whole thing would have been hilarious, especially that cheesy accent if it hadn't included 'his royal plasti-headed majesty'. Now any of you fuckers that are laughing right now.....shut up! It's not funny, it's vile and before you ask why I didn't simply hang up on him; the lines are monitored and hanging up on calls in a big no-no. Plus I would have had to explain why to the supervisor and that is NOT something I cared to do. I would be the service joke for a month! I can tell you guys though....I have to tell somebody and Casey gave me NO sympathy whatsoever,he just spit beer across the room and laughed himself retarded. Asshole!
So for the next 127min I sat through one of the worst calls of my phone whore career.......frozen on the line as Carl described IN DETAIL what was being done to me by the*shudder* creepy Burger King. I won't elaborate too much but I will say that it involved bondage, poop, mayonnaise and the King's over sized plastic phallus. UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
This was definitely one of those situations where having a fabulous imagination is NOT a good thing. I could picture every revolting scenario and it has been seared into my brain. I will probably have night terrors for a year.
I may never be the same after this! The mental scars from this episode might take years to manifest themselves but I have no doubt they will make themselves known eventually. Most likely I'll be minding my own business, driving past a Burger King when a flashback will send me into a spasticated seizure that will then cause me to careen across several lanes of traffic and kill innocent motorists in an attempt to mow down the *shudder* Burger King and rid the world of his sick, plasti-headed tyranny once and for all.
I think the only way this could have been made any more terrifying is if he had turned it into a three-way with Janice Dickinson......in a nun's habit. ACK! That is truly the stuff of nightmares!
If I EVER had the misfortune of coming face to face with Janice Dickinson I think I would 1) Freeze 2)piss my panties 3) kick her in her surgically re-constructed vagina and D) run away....quickly!
I swear some of the shit I hear on the lines is unbelievable! I couldn't make this stuff up....well technically I could but I don't have to.
As if sleeping tonight wasn't already gonna be a bitch now I have this to contend with.I can walk down E. California Ave(scary rapist crackhead-quarters)....by myself....at 3am but I can't face down.....well you know. Maybe I am a little crazy after all? HAHA, like there was ever any doubt! Sweet dreams kiddies, Melody