Thursday, May 19, 2011

Backflash Part 1 (YES that's a word Godamn it!)

This is a few months ago and will hafta be parceled out over several posts, it's just too damn long.

I got a call a some time back asking me if I might like to go over to Rainman's for some diversion. Being that my Saturday night was looking bleak, I said, sure, why the fuck not? Casey did the usual commentary while I was getting ready to leave but didn't say anything too fucked up about it.
So I threw myself together, running from the bathroom to my laptop and back again, trying to juggle makeup-ing with the insidious and ever more present Facebook. The weather had turned icky, raining down hail and I had been bemoaning my situation online when I got the call that Maniac was on his way to pick me up in Rainman's new toy. Some obnoxious SUV that makes his old Escalade look like a Prius and probably consumes enough gas in a day to fuel up half the city.
I heard the front door, unlocked it and left it open, not bothering to check who was there, just figuring it was Maniac. It was not. I heard C. give a disgusted snort and rifle through the fridge for more beer and when I turned I saw why...Richie.
The hail had turned to rain and he had gotten soaked on the way up the drive. His clothes were wet through (of course!) and clinging to him in a very disturbing way. I may have...may have let my eyes linger a little longer than was appropriate but what the fuck do you want from me?
I was expecting some big reaction from Casey, so I downplayed my surprise but got little more than an eye roll for my trouble. I was kind shocked, as much as he doesn't like Adrian he LOATHES Richie. I suppose I can understand why, even though Adrian has had more access to my um...person, Richie is much more aggressive and creative. I adore creativity and since Casey knows this, you can see his side of it. I can see it too, it's just that I don't really care, haha. I mean I care but I also know that I'm not gonna do anything too stupid, at least not involving sex or anything that can be counted as such.
I leaned over the laptop, finished up some replies, updated my status (I really hate myself right now), killed Facebook and grabbed up my purse. I blew Casey a kiss on my way out the door, it was easier. Any reassurances and prolonged physical contact would just make him suspicious, like I was trying to apologize in advance.
Before I get any enraged comments on his behalf let me say that if I thought he REALLY didn't want me to go, like it was breaking his heart or something, I wouldn't go. On the other hand if he was doing it just to be difficult or out of some over-inflated sense of manhood and ownership, I would go just on principal, I am NOT chattel. I am however wired to be a pain in the ass and everyone, especially Casey, is aware of it.
Anyway, we ran to the truck and just as I was about to open the door and climb in, my nemesis Maniac flicked on the interior light so I could see a sulky Adrian slumped in the front passenger seat. Oh Maniac you evil motherfucker! I almost turned around and went back inside...almost. Instead I let R. pull me around into the backseat and we were on our way.
The heater was blasting and it was meltingly hot in there, plus Richie being Richie was not helping matters at all. He was blatantly flouting the seatbelt laws, scooting closer and closer until I was pinned against the far door and he was leaning into me. I could feel how warm he was under those wet clothes, lets just say it wasn't unpleasant. He slung his arm around my neck and I stopped pulling away for just a second. Relaxing against his shoulder I tugged on his sweatshirt and asked, "How come you're always wet when I see you?"
He smiled sweetly and said, "I could ask you the same thing."
Maniac guffawed and I simultaneously elbowed Richie in the stomach and kicked the back of M's seat hard enough to snap his head forward, "Watch the road, burro!" Adrian just slumped further down into his seat. *er, a burro
I suddenly felt a strong urge to kick him as well but restrained myself. If he was going to turn pouty I was in for one bitch of an evening. In an attempt to diffuse the shit storm on the horizon, I shoved Richie back to his side of the truck and had Maniac turn up the music. Enduring the hated Pitbull at ridiculous decibels was better than accelerating A's tantrum with Richie's slick repartee.
We rode through the night to Rainman's place, powering down muddy dirt roads that would have destroyed lesser vehicles. I began to waver in my dislike of the ridiculously expensive overcompensation-mobile but then reminded myself that it had seat warmers, Blue-ray and wipers on the headlights. Dislike came barreling back.
When we pulled up I was confronted with 100+ ft of red mud and 3 giant dogs between me and the trailer. I took a deep breath, knowing in my heart of hearts that I was gonna end up on my can in the muck at least once before I reached the front steps. I stood next to the truck for a couple minutes so I could gather myself before proceeding. About 5 steps in my amazing sense of balance took over and I felt myself starting to falter. Fate seemed sealed when I saw Diesel charging towards me like a mud crusted canine torpedo. I squinched my eyes shut in anticipation of impact, waiting for ass to meet ground but it never happened. Out of nowhere I had hands clamped to my arms, hauling me upwards and out of the way. I opened one eye and saw that both Adrian and Richie had come to my rescue and were now glaring at each other over the top of my head.
Diesel chose that moment to lead the other dogs in a sneak attack from the rear and next thing I knew the boys were flailing in mud, fending off dog slobber, I was still upright, don't ask me how. Maniac stood at the bottom of the steps, hands on his hips, head shaking in disgust, "Pinche payasos!" He sneered before going inside. *fucking clowns
Delighted that I was still standing, I stepped, (ever so gingerly) over Richie and Adrian, leaving them to extricate themselves. I somehow managed to make it the rest of the way without incident. I probably shoulda helped them up but hey, mud and ginormous dogs...nah, I don't think so.
I scraped the mud off my shoes and let myself in the front door. Shucking off my jacket, I took a few steps and looked around. I was relieved to see that R-man's new girlfriend was not in attendance, that bitch is a buzz kill. She's like human Clozaril in a house full of Meth Schizos, not what I call a good time.
Taking in the room I saw all kinds of un-Rainman-like paraphernalia laid out, there were pointy toed cowboy boots, tight jeans and button down shirts. Tooled leather belts and giant cowboy hats took up the coffee table. For a minute I thought R-man intended to model himself after ‘The Cook’ in Spun...and I was worried. Friends don’t let friends go shit kicker.
I did my best to ignore the minor scuffle I heard behind me and chose to question Maniac instead, “What the fuck IS all this crap?”
Maniac stared pointedly at the area directly over my shoulder and said, “We went to the frontera a few days ago and had to wear that shit.” *border
He brushed by me and went to look out the front door, the noises had subsided and in walked Adrian and Richie. R looked smug and A looked pissy, they were both coated in that nasty red clay and I wanted nothing to do with any of it, “Can you two please behave?” I turned back to Maniac, "Are you serious? Ahhhhh, the paisas, I get it. I bet you and R-man looked adorable all matchy-matchy, like two sides of the same badly dressed coin."
"Shut the FUCK up!" He kicked a boot across the room, "I never felt so stupid in all my life."
I smirked, "I find that hard to believe."
He gave me a shitty look and continued, "Those godamned mojados are a fucking circus. We went to eat and I had to listen to one of those nasty punks tell us how he fucked his sister. Another one told us about his cousin and a cow. Not a fat bitch but a real cow, like moo. Then these's some messed up bullshit!" *wetbacks
"You had me at moo, haha...lloron. Those mojados are your people ese, what's up with that?"
"Maybe your people, they ain’t MY people, do I look like I'm screwing my sister...or a pinche vaca? Fuck that, those sorry putos need to get back across the border and stay there, I'll build the wall myself!" *crybaby *fucking cow
"That's not very politically correct" I said, looking offended before adding "Where would we be without accommodating border brothers to smuggle in product? Besides, no one likes a self loathing beaner."
Richie snickered and I turned my back on Maniac's open mouth so I could assess the situation with the boys. They were standing at opposite ends of the room, one smirk-y, one pouty. Smirk-y took a couple of confident steps in my direction but all that mud? Noooooo!
I backpedaled until my butt hit the top of the couch and then just swung my legs over so it was between us. If I ended the night covered in sludge I would be very, very unhappy.
"Shower" I said, making it a statement, not a question, "Both of you, in the shower and then I'll soothe fragile egos."
"At the same time? I always knew you were a dirty bitch, I'm telling Casey." Maniac had to add his 2 cents.
"He already knows and though it has possibilities that's not what I meant, there's more than one shower in this place, they need to find them." I pointed at the hallway, "Find them NOW kids!"
They exchanged annoyed looks before remembering that they were supposed to dislike one another and headed off to find their respective bathrooms, muttering the whole way.

That's enough for today, back in a flash...haha.