Dead in Love

I have become unspeakably lazy when it comes to writing and it's starting to bother me a teensy bit. I'll work on that, which should make everyone feel better. Or I guess that depends on which side of the fence you happen to favor. If you actually want to read about me, then it's excellent. If you fall into the majority, which is to say, people who wish I would contract a super lethal strain of HIV and expire, well then I guess not, haha. Whatever. Eat shit and live loooooooooong, motherfucker(s), death is far too good for you.

Moving on; I'm detoxing and I don't really feel like doing this but I guess it's time. Is this what they call suffering for your (un-) 'art'? I'm going with yes. So I'll continue by saying that I've proven once again (YES AGAIN), how inconstant I am. In some noble attempt to save someone from himself, I have removed my *MY-self from the equation. What an exceptional thing for me to do; I'm SUCH a good person. (Shut up). For my next trick...

Anyway, yeah that happened but I'm sure that further down the line he will be ecstatic to have dodged the bullet that is Melody Lee. I will fuck your shit up proper if you let me, it's what I do. Whether it's intentional or not depends on the situation but it's invariably what happens. Ask around...take a poll...whatever makes you feel better.

I can be a lot of fun but totally not worth it. The best you can hope for is that maybe I gave you some good shit to remember along with the bad stuff I assured you was a great idea. I'm not Devil's advocate; I'm the Devil. And there's A LOT of bad shit that I fully endorse. It's a helluva list...

 I said I would make them hate me and damned if it's not headed that way. It's for the best, really. I'm not something you hang on to for long, keeping me close will make you crazy or kill you. Or make you crazily want to kill yourself. Mmhmm.

Adrian had to take a nice, long 'rest' in a booby-hatch because of what went down. How much was actually me and how much was a semi-serious case of meth psychosis, is up for  debate but when asked, he lay the blame squarely at my door. So there ya go. I drive people to erm...distraction (bug. nuts.) Make like Op-Ivy and Take Warning: this product is  known to cause confusion, depression, mania, obsession, drunkenness, delusions, self doubt, paranoia, stalking, nightmares, nocturnal emissions and is NOW rumored to make you certifiable. Yes that's right, insane.

But aside from that, I'm a totally awesome person! Hahaha, I swear to Jesus, why don't  people ever learn? It should be fairly easy to do, as it's outlined in my basic intro. Spend more than a few days around me and I'll tell you how it's gonna go. ( Hint: Not well, dumb-ass!).

I suppose that's the main issue, that I seem to have no problem attracting people. I don't know...I just. don't. know. It truly makes one fear for the future of the species, how obtuse a human being can be. Someone told me the other day that I have a weird, self destructive charisma (LAME!) and I dunno about that, I just know I'm best avoided.

Hmm... what I could've done with that kind of magnetism, had I the motivation to fully abuse it. If it were true, I mean. Which it *might be...to an extent. I rather think that it's just a super refined form of manipulation that I secrete like a pheromone. It's become completely involuntary at this point in my life. I'm thinking it must've developed quite early which means I'm not rotten, I'm just hyper-evolved. Just let that sink in for moment, hahaha.

 Fuck. This is a sad, sorry update and I'm sure it's not the kind of juicy bullshit y'all were hoping for but I'll get to that. I have a strange, skin-crawly feeling that I will be posting quite a bit of garbage for the next few days. But you know, sometimes I'm a liar...

It's been...like some seriously fucked up shit on a day to day basis. There's  a lot of new people in my life and some of the old ones too. Even been hangin' out with a bitch, if you can believe that! They usually don't care for me and the feeling is mutual (hookers!), but we get along  pretty well and she's down for whatever, which is always nice. I'm thinking we'll find some shit to get into today but that's tentative. We'll see...

Adrian is in AZ visiting his momma, so he's been leaving me alone for a minute. He seems improved but he was always good at hiding his bullshit until it's vibrating somewhere between Phil Specter and Gary Ridgeway. Then he just explodes with that tiresome angst of his and I have to distance myself. I'm just not built to deal with that kinda drama.

 I am not very sympathetic; I know I come off as a caring, nurturing type but no. I'm entirely too selfish and easily annoyed to give a fuck about his issues, even  if they are partially my fault. I mean, they say it's my fault but I'm not truly convinced...it just sounds like a cop out. Don't be so fucking weak, dude. Yeah, that sounds shitty; whatever.

You know, all these years people have been telling me that I act and think like a dude and I finally realized that's not exactly it. I'm just callous and dis-associated from emotions that don't effect me directly i.e. not mine. I really only care when it's me, other people's problems become a drag after about 2 minutes and that's a generous estimate. If saying that makes me some offshoot of a sociopath, so be it.

Alright, maybe the above is an oversimplification of the problem but it's about 99% accurate. I DO care, on occasion but over the years, most of my 'give a fuck' has been wrung out of me and I'm just over it. People are a bunch of whining, soul sucking twats. I know this for a fact.

Sometimes I think it must be retribution for something I've done...can't imagine what that would be though.

I know this is getting to be broken record status, but I really need to get the fuck out of New Mexico. I'm not sure where I want to go anymore, I've been away from Cali for so long, I'm almost afraid to go back. Des wants to move us to Espanola but I told her we'd be dead in a month. THAT is also a generous estimate.

I'm so tired of Casey and his constant drunken martyr act that for the first time in years, I'm seriously considering moving on. Either you want me or you don't, make up your pickled mind. You can't tell me to leave one minute and then act like you never said it the next. I KNOW what's wrong with me, I don't require a verbal reminder every time you over-imbibe, YOU FUCKING TOOL. Ugh! I cannot abide a drunkard! It's such an...undignified vice. At my worst I can still vocalize what it is I need to get across, not slur my words like a half a goddamned re-tard. Once I wake up, that is. Just not my kind of substance, I guess.

I'm losing momentum here. I just had a 30 minute extreme incest call that kinda put me off anything but taking a long fucking shower, blech! No worries, I'll post this and be back ranting about something else before you know it. I PROMISE.
M.L.

Espanola update.......

You know when you build something up in your mind? You tell yourself that it is going to be amazing and that things are going to turn out a certain way. You go in expecting success and then end up being totally disappointed......
Well this is NOT what happened hahaha, Espanola was everything I had anticipated and more! I swear I could smell dope in the air the second we drove across the Rio Arriba county line. It took us less than 45 minutes to get things rolling and we were loaded within an hour of our arrival. I will post the details tomorrow as I am feeling rather nod-ish and can't seem to focus long enough to write much.
We now have a hook-up in Espanola and will undoubtedly be making the trip on a regular basis. It was/is a prime example of black tar and makes me homesick for Bako haha. I'm waiting for Casey to get home so we can indulge in our favorite pastime....mainly getting high and then being disgustingly lovey-dovey. Heroin (in small doses) seems to bring out the mushiest of the mush and we end up cuddling on the couch or out on the swing in the back yard. The occasional cigarette burn notwithstanding, a fantastic time has been had by all and will continue to be had until sometime tomorrow. We didn't spend all that much $$ this first time around but that is probably for the best. I will be back tomorrow...........
Oh on a side note, I got approved for a credit card hahahahaha, it came in the mail today. I have in my possession a shiny new MasterCard oh oh....
When I mentioned to Casey that I had gotten approved and that some bank was extending credit in my name he looked at me in disbelief and said, "Are they fucking stupid?" Haha I hafta agree with him on this one, my credit history speaks for itself and anyone who issues me a card is taking a giant leap of faith. Suckers!
Anyway, I'm off to go watch sickeningly saccharine musicals on TCM and wait for my baby to come home. Hmmm, Casey, Heroin and turner Classic Movies, does it get any better than that? Not for me it doesn't! Adieu kids, lots of loaded hugs and kisses until tomorrow. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO, Melody Lee

Tattoo in progress and a random rant because I know y'all love it so.

So here are some more photos of questionable quality. I would have Casey take some but he has enough issues with my attention slutish-ness. Every time I ask him to do it he sneers. "Why, so you can put it up and have everybody gawk at you?" So I stopped asking.
He's not really as big a dick as he seems, he can be amazingly sweet. I think he has an complex when it comes to my involvement with other people/guys. I have NO idea why...*fluttering eyelashes innocently* I'm just as bad as he is when it comes to jealous behavior, I just wear it better. He wouldn't come with me yesterday because he said he had no desire to watch me hold court at the Tattoo shop.
Can I help it if I'm an extremely friendly person? It's not like I was gonna take turns blowing them all in the john! I suppose I shouldn't have got on so well with them the first time round, I should have sat mute for the entire thing. Wait FUCK THAT! I'm not going to let Casey's issues dictate my behavior, never have...never will.
Well that might be a lie, when it comes to things of a more serious nature I do tend to minimize my actions if it will facilitate matters. It's much easier to play along and then do what I want later. God that sounds bad but I only do this when A) He's being a totally unreasonable Nazi B)I know that he will thank me for it in the end and C)When I am fairly sure he will never find out about it haha.
OK, OK erase C, I don't really do that....not anymore. I have grown up immeasurably in the last couple years and I try never to do something that I myself would not want done to me. In other words I suppose it's alright for him to hang out with other girls *grrrrrr* as long as he doesn't fuck them. Receiving blow jobs or any other prolonged sexual stimulation is off limits as well.
Before I wrap this up I want to touch on a subject I brought up in my comments : The pity party blog.
One of the things I want to make absolutely clear is that I understand that everybody has low days. Some people even live in a constant state of depression, I understand that as well. If somebody is writing about the things they feel and it doesn't happen to be particularly cheerful, this doesn't automatically lump them into the "pity party" category.
I think there is a HUGE difference between being truthful about your feelings and writing page after page of whiny monologue. It's possible to express despair without resorting to theatrics worthy of a 12yr old emo. I could be mistaken (though this is hardly ever the case as I am perfect and therefore NEVER wrong) but from what I've noticed, people who are truly suicidal don't go about blasting it on every available medium. The ones who do are most likely seeking attention.
I should know as I am undoubtedly one of the truest forms of "Sluticus Attentionus Maximus" I just happen to be a different example. I rely on nothing more than my gift for self-glorification/delusion to call attention to my person, these other creatures should take a page from my book and cut the melodramatics.
Anyway, as I said in my comments no one is forcing me to read their nonsense, just as no one is being forced to read mine.
Fuck that would be awesome though! I envision uptight assholes the world over being forced to read my bullshit under penalty of death. I can't think of a better punishment because although many people dislike me, the U-A brigade seem to foster an extra special hate for me. The lil darlings!
I call them this because it is mainly through the misguided efforts of these people that I get the most attention. They are so disgusted by me that they can't wait to forward my latest post to scores of their like minded friends, inadvertently furthering my cause...spreading the disease if you will. That is why I ADORE hateful comments and why I will NEVER moderate or delete any of them. One mouthful of malice will do 10X as much as one of praise.
Not that I discount the helpful or friendly comments, no sir! I love those with the other half of of my black little heart. The people who actually enjoy reading my bullshit always have the most interesting things to share and I'm stoked when someone offers an opinion or advice on my current situation. That's my main complaint with shitty anon comments, they are so....basic.
I can only be called scum or loser junky whore or ugly degenerate bitch so many times before it loses what little sting it had. I really do look forward to them now. I view it as getting a love note from an unknown stalker, it's kinda cute in a jr high sort of way.
So there you have it, another post so profound it will no doubt blow your mind and leave you reeling for days. I'm so brilliant so much of the time, I honestly don't know how y'all stand it! Hmmmm, I hope the hateful anons weren't frightened away by my outpouring of affection? I suppose I'll just have to wait and see.
Enjoy the blurry pics, DAMN my arm look SWOLLEN! It feels like little sharp toothed animals have been gnawing away at my wrist and I'm not even close to done yet. Regi says if I get any more ink she will start mistaking me as a hipster from Ventura. GOD FORBID...anything but not that! I will just have to continue making sure my tats are totally tasteless and as far from hip as is humanly possible. I think I can handle that. Smoochies my loves, hasta manana. XOXOXOX Melody

American Nightmare......

I'm tired...I'm awake and I'm not geeked. My head won't shut off, I keep running over shit in my mind, thing I haven't thought about for years. People, places, it's like a soup in my brain. They're all jumbled together and every once in a while I manage to fish something out. Usually it's good, a night out with my friends, a good show, a prodigious score. Sometimes it's bad but having the selective memory that afflicts some of us I skim over the bullshit and try to concentrate on the good.
Living in this wasteland even the bad shit can seem preferable to this nothing. I miss the excitement and the uncertainty. That's probably why I go on my little speed adventures, it's a way for me to feel ultra-alive for a few hours. I tell myself that being here with Casey is all that matters and that we have a good life and.....
Sometimes that isn't enough. I do the best I can and try to keep my impulses under control. I'm sure to most of you it seems like I'm walking a tightrope over a fire pit but compared to what I'm used to this is pretty fucking boring.
I really dislike this place.
I hate the fact that Otep is the best band to have played since I've been here. I hate the fact that there is nothing but meth as far as the eye can see and I hate the fact that this mediocrity is going to be the sum total of my universe for an undetermined amount of time. I know this to be true because I won't leave Casey, not without a good reason. Being selfish is not a good reason.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just making a statement.
I got a few phone calls today, one from Adrian (yum), one from Eddie and one from "He who shall not be named." Adrian wanted me to go with him to some dive in Shitrock, Maniac pimped out my phone # and will be dealt with later. As appealing as that sounded, I did the right thing and declined. Eddie called to shoot the shit and also warn me that Josh had gotten drunk and gave my # to "He who sha..... fuck it, it was Gabriel. Lovely.
The headcase that cemented my attraction for boys with fucked up issues and psychotic tendencies. He was batshit insane, beautiful, brilliant and also one of the few guys that truly scared me. Most of the guys I've been with were borderline but Gabe was just plain crazy. I saw him yank a guy out of a truck window and slash his throat with a box cutter. The guy had ripped him off and no he didn't die, Gabe just wanted to put some scare into him...it worked.
It wasn't so much what he did that scared me, it was the fact that there was no hesitation. One minute we were crossing the street and the next he was dragging Jessie out of the car and cutting him up. He didn't think twice and afterwards he walked up to someones yard and used the hose to clean the blood off like nothing had happened.
It was frightening and fascinating and I was young and stupid enough to become enthralled by his craziness. Needless to say, things were interesting between us. I may be reckless but I'm not a simpleton, I curbed my attitude ALOT. I knew that if anyone would be the one to decapitate me and make use of my rotting corpse it would probably be Gabriel. Grant could kick my ass but he would never kill me on purpose and Casey just went out and got into scraps when he wanted to clock me in the mouth. Gabriel could stick a screwdriver in my neck and not bat an eye.
Now you may be wondering what the fuck I was thinking when I decided to date this poisonous creature. I wasn't thinking at all, I was watching the things he did and letting it carry me along. He was pretty magnificent for a homicidal maniac.
Anyway, our short relationship ended when he got caught up for kidnapping,torture and terroristic threats. I think there were some other charges as well but those were the ones that stood out. Basically some idiot tried to rob him and Gabe caught him, tied him to a chair and played with him for a couple weeks. I believe a power drill was involved. Icky! I still wonder who was stupid enough to try and rob him in the first place. I'm also very glad that this happened during one of our separations, I hate to think what would have happened had I refused to join him in the drilling of kneecaps.
So he was off to Corcoran shu. He was put in there for having been NLR even though he was a drop out, he had renounced all that bullshit years before. We kept in contact for a while but then he started to get this idea in his head that I was the root of all his trouble. Funny how that happens. I started getting all these long ass letters and calls which boiled down to me being the reason he was in all this trouble. Yeah, like drilling someones knees and elbows had nothing to do with it! He told me that he had to kill me to save himself and that was about the time I severed all contact with good ol' Gabe.
So here's Josh's punk ass getting drunk and giving him my #! One of the downsides to having all your ex-boyfriends know each other. I'm told that Gabriel made a convincing argument and that he had been on medication and therapy for quite some time. This was later confirmed when I received the call.
He was oh so polite and well mannered, telling me that he no longer had wet dreams about wrapping his hands around my throat and squeezing. Good to know. Then he told me that part of his rehabilitation was apologizing for things he'd done in the past. Apparently a large portion of the people he'd wronged were either dead (Hmmm) or otherwise unavailable. He needed to tell me about all the fucked up shit he did while we were together. Great, just what I want to hear! Is February the come clean month or what?
The things he told me were hideous! The confession detailed a pet massacre the likes of which I hope NEVER to hear again. This fuckwad strangled 2 of my cats, drowned my puppy and shot another of my kittens....all in less than a year! What a fucking asshole! I can't even begin to describe the way hearing those things makes me feel! I feel I'd have been less appalled if it had been actual people, at least a human has some clue as to what is befalling them. All I can think about is what was going through my babies minds when this person they had grown to trust began to hurt them...the confusion they felt....the pain. That shit is unforgivable and it makes me nauseous even as I type this.
As soon as he finished I told him that I hoped he wasn't expecting me to forgive him for these heinous actions and that my fondest wish for the future was for him to get a mop handle broken off in his ass. Then I hung up...then I threw up.
Ugh! What a nightmare. When I get back to Bako this summer I'm going to have Tiny and Dave beat the bejesus out of Josh, I feel that he's earned it. Yes you have you whiny bastard! Aren't you embarrassed to leave those gooey comments? I'm embarrassed for you, it's THAT bad.
I have a counseling appt tomorrow which isn't so bad, my counselor is pretty cool. I finally ditched the bitch-cunt that was my psych and got in with another one. He prescribed me Celexa and Abilify, neither of which sound like fun at all so chances are I won't be taking them. One of them is in the same family as Seroquel so fuck a buncha that shit! I'm not really sure about the other, I'll hafta check with the junky underground and do some research online.
So that's it for now, I have been likened to a 14 yr old (mentally) and I'm not really sure I care. Nope don't care, I do wish that the insults left in my comments were a bit more refined though. It just isn't as effective when you can tell it's coming from some illiterate inbred. I'm being called a loser by someone who probably still lives with their mom and being told to get a real job by someone who spends their workday blog surfing and leaving lame-ass comments. You could choke on the irony.
Love you kids, hope this post doesn't give you creepy dreams. XOXO~ Melody Lee

An effective if short-lived method of shutting me up.

So first off I'm gonna start by thanking Rufus for the badass clip he made for me. I think I'm in love, seriously I could see myself turning into a furry at any moment. I'm such an Internet whore that I would probably paste that vid all over the place if I didn't also happen to be computer retarded.
I made the mistake of watching it while Fat Mike was perched on my shoulder (as usual) and now he thinks he's famous. He's been tearing around the house like a cat possessed and when I say anything about it he looks at me like, "Bitch who do you think you're talking to? The Rufus Leaking has spoken my name on camera!" There will be no living with him now.
Thank you Rufus I adore it! Casey was suitably impressed when I showed it off to him, I believe his exact words were, "Haha Rufus is giving you crap over the cat's.....HOLY SHIT is that Fat Mike?" Sorry I didn't take your name into consideration but I believe there can only be one Rufus Leaking. Often imitated never duplicated.
Moving on, I know most people wouldn't dignify shitty comments with a response but I'm sure you've realized that I am NOT most people. Since I just recently indulged in tearing anon(s) a new asshole, this will be short.
If a decade of needle use/questionable behavior didn't see me dying of HIV I seriously doubt wishing it on me via the Internet is going to be effective. Nice try though. Why don't you come over here and give it to me yourself since you seem to think it's such an awesome idea? It seems to me that my dying of disease wouldn't be ending my misery, it would be ending yours and why the hell would I want to do that? I much prefer hanging out so that I can stumble on new and interesting ways of pissing people off. I get shit from all sides and I think it's fucking fantastic. I almost wish I was a strung out/satanic Neo Nazi pro-lifer so that I could be really offensive. Oh the shit I could write!
Anyway, I think the best part is that I'm not even trying to offend people, I'm just being me. It's much more delicious that way, when you have to work at being obnoxious it becomes ineffective and lame. Lucky for me I seem to irritate people by doing nothing more than breathing, I'm just awesome like that I guess. I don't even hafta try!
Enough of that bullsheeeiiitt.
We're still planning on doing the summer trip, I have high (heheh) hopes and I will do everything in my power to see that it happens. Ordinarily that wouldn't be saying much because I am unbelievably lazy but since this trip is going to be an orgy of drug debauchery, that makes it a horse of a different color. I always find myself going above and beyond when it involves something I should most definitely NOT be doing. Contrary bitch ain't I?
It's going to be somewhat of a pain in the ass because of the photos/filming etc. Since we plan on slapping the whole thing together into some kind of book it's going to involve image releases and all kinds of bullshit legal crap. The fact that most druggies won't want their faces or actions captured on camera has not escaped me. Not everyone is as adventurous as I. I don't really sweat all that shit because I'm not actively selling dope/hustling and images of drug use are extremely hard to prove in court....unless they were taken by law enforcement. Which they won't be.
So if anyone happens to see us in one state or another you won't hafta worry about the photo crap. Unless you sign on the line and specifically want your face/words displayed, it ain't gonna happen. You can trust me........haha. No seriously though, you can.
I'm thinking that 90% of the footage/pics will be of us doing horribly reckless shit and nothing more. I do promise to make sure that it doesn't turn out like that crap movie The Brown Bunny. Christ what a hunk of shit that was! To anyone who hasn't seen it "IT'S NOT WORTH IT!" Getting a 10 minute scene of Chloe Sevigny sucking dick is not worth suffering through 110 minutes of Vincent Gallo driving......and driving...and driving. Ugh! Watch Freeway 1& 2 instead, you can thank me later.
Now before I get off the movie topic I just want to say that 'Requiem for a dream' has got to be the most nightmarish depiction of heroin use to date! It was heroin right? I a get a lil confused seeing as how every time they do a shot their pupils blow out like they've been licking African tree toads.
Don't get me wrong, I think it's a great movie but WHAT THE FUCK??? I have spent quite a while in the thick of junky shenanigans and I can honestly say I never had the entire state go dry followed by prison,amputation and a 2ft double dong. I'm sure that that shit happens all the time but to the same three people in that time span?
And what's with the ass to ass? I like gratuitous double sodomy as much as the next person but that was like a maggoty cherry on top of a poop sundae.
And speaking of sodomy (we were weren't we?) Regina and I were maligning our friend Becca and her desire to go see The New Kids on the Block in concert. *shudder* After a lengthy discussion on the subject I decided that I would prefer to be ass raped by every last New Kid AND that vomitous Marky Mark rather than sit through one of their concerts. I realize this may seem somewhat extreme but you don't know how much I dislike the New Kids an co. Aside from a few decent performances Mark Wahlberg should have kept his day job dropping trou for Calvin Klein and left acting to guys who can dredge up some kind of believable emotion...like Steven Segal, his sensitive yet tough portrayals leave ol' Marky Mark in the dust...and that ain't saying much since S.S. has the depth of a mashed pea. Funky Bunch indeed!
'The Departed' kicked ass though, Marky nailed it on that one.
Am I in top asshole form today or what? I've bitched about various subjects and not one of them has much bearing on the other. I guess I just got caught up and couldn't stop myself. I'm sure I managed to offend somebody along the way. Right the fuck on!
So that's it for today, I've already heard from Adrian and shit is all set for next week. I'm sure I'll be back before then if only to field comments but if not I'll let y'all know how it went. Kisses bitches XXXXX Melody

When life hands you lemons....you make lemon juice and use it to bang crack: Friday night

Welcome to my wasteland.

Ugh, I'm so tired and this is probably gonna take more time than it(the story) is worth. As you all know every one of my minutes is precious....even if I'm just being my usual ass draggin self.
I'll just go into it, if I don't I'll get caught up in some random rambling and lose sight of the objective...to post about my Friday night rug burn adventure.
It started out as a regular evening, Casey and myself had settled in for a round of movie watching/pill popping/drinking/whatever the fuck when the phone rang. Casey rolled his eyes and gave me a dirty look as is his habit any time this happens. He never gets calls so he knows it's for me (I'm amazingly popular) and for some reason this makes him pissy.
Usually it's the junky underground, sometimes it's Josh (ugh Josh) and sometimes it's Rainman. This time it happened to be Rainman sounding exasperated and frighteningly geeked. He squawked something unintelligible and then demanded to speak with Casey. I held out the phone and my beloved shot me an even dirtier look before he snatched it outta my hand...grabby bastard!
All I got from his side of the conversation was that R-man was asking permission to kidnap me for the night. How sweet! I was feeling a bit insulted when the phone was thrust back at me but R-man gave me no opportunity to tell him what I thought of his high-handed tactics. He was burbling and sputtering at such an alarming rate that I thought he was gonna go into some kind of spasticated seizure.
I was able to make out the words favor,30 minutes,Gallup, babysit, kick down and Oxy. I'm sure y'all can figure out which of those words caught my attention. I glanced over at Casey who said, "Go ahead, it's not like me telling you no is gonna make a difference anyway." Does my honey know me or what?
I blew him a kiss and informed Rainman that yes I would be ready in 30, come and get me. I suffered through Casey's snide commentary while I got dressed and then assured him that it was for the greater good. I was about to subject myself to unknown realms of tweeker shenanigans just so I could bring home something more substantial that Percocet and Xanax. I'm not just thinking of myself when I do these things!
I was out the door just seconds before R-man pulled up in his disco-tweeker mobile *sigh* I opened the door and was greeted by the familiar smell of speed a-cookin in the pipe. I climbed into the car and we were off, it took me a minute to squint past the cloud of cryysy and make out Maniac riding in the back. Haha that bitch was finally learning his place.
He leered at me and shoved the pipe in my direction...and yeah, I took it. Why the fuck not? In for a penny in for a pound...
Anyway we were off and between hits I managed to find out that we were going to pick up some guy and "something else" and then drive to Gallup to deliver these items to Bubba. If y'all don't remember I made that trip once before with Eric, it was the house full of scary dirthead motherfuckers and tweeked out dogs.
We drove out onto the res and pulled up to some godforsaken trailer home. R-man motioned us to come with him and as we were walking to the door Maniac told me that I was in for a treat. He was just about to elaborate when R-man told him to shut the fuck up. Not a good sign.
I was thinking to myself that as long as this trailer didn't smell like speed and dog farts I would consider myself ahead of the game. We were ushered inside by some emaciated girl who could have been anywhere from 30 to 300. The boys strolled in like they were the Rolling Stones, getting treated like some kind of meth Gods. Haha LAME but whatever, some of the awe was sent in my direction since I was lucky enough to be travelling in their exalted company. Pffffft!
The living room was FULL of tweekers in various states of spun out-ed-ness and we made our way through that nightmare and into one of the back bedrooms (there's always a back bedroom).
At this point I was feeling fairly tingly and I was totally unprepared for what happened next. There were two guys in the room (it's not what you think)and they were smoking up on either side of a FAT pile of what looked and smelled like crack. I was inhaling the fumes, not really paying attention when a third guy emerged from the bathroom and walked up to us. Enter the new lust interest.
He smiled at me and asked R-man if I was the girl he'd been telling him about. I was semi-mesmerized by the fact that he was not only hot as fuck but also had Black Flag bars tattooed on his neck hmmmmmm.....
His name was Adrian and he cordially invited me to join him in the bathroom for a shot.He had hellacious tracks on his arms intermingled with prison-y tats and some bruises, Christ could he get any more delicious? The answer is yes. He became damn near irresistible when he loaded a new point with some go solution and handed it to me. Too bad it was speed and not H, had it been heroin I may not have been responsible for my actions. I believe I've mentioned my attraction to guys with neck tattoos, IV issues and weird personality flaws. So what.
He pulled off his belt and offered it to me, what a gentleman! I was about to do my thing when I noticed the lemon halves on the counter. What the fuck? As addled as I was by his nearness (he was way too close) my druggie data bank kicked in and I remembered what such things were used for.
"Am I about to bang crack?" I asked in a calm voice.
He laughed and said, "No." Good enough, I took his word for it and threaded myself in record time. I was enjoying the heart stopping feeling when he crouched down and unwrapped his belt from my ankle, the little darling. I was still trying to catch my breath when he stuck himself and watching him do it was .....nice.
*deep breath* I'll try and refrain from going into superfluous details about how magnificent he looked at that moment....with a point in his hand...and after....bloody...
Sorry.
So I was relearning how to breath when Maniac tapped on the door and said we were getting ready to leave. Just as well, this Adrian thing could get messy. I love Casey and I will NOT be led astray by speed enhanced hormones!
As we walked out Adrian asked if he could call me, Maniac rolled his eyes and R-man chittered out something that sounded like "mlah mlah Casey mlah kill your ass." I ignored them and said maybe it would be best if I just ran into him later, seeing as how my old man might become unhinged if one more guy was added to the phone roster.
He said that would be cool and we left him there in the back bedroom. We had been joined by one of the crack smokers and made our merry way out into the night.
R-man took me aside and told me the plan. We were gonna drive this guy to Gallup, drop him, his vehicle and "something else" at Bubba's and then drive back. Maniac was gonna drive with me and crack boy and R-man was gonna follow in the disco mobile.
I was almost relieved (I have an irrational dislike for the disco mobile) until Maniac pulled around in a van that would have been at home on the set of the A-team. It was an honest to God 70's raper van.
R-man then told me that reason I would not be driving was because he needed me to keep an eye on David (crack boy) who was apparently a wackadoo of Amy Winehouse-like proportions. The wackadoo who had thus far remained silent began to giggle. UGH!
I resigned myself to my assignment and made my way towards the van. I had to climb in through the back doors and whilst crawling into the blackness I felt what had to be shag carpet under my hands. Are you fucking kidding me?
Crack boy scuttled in behind me and we headed out. Maniac promptly began to give me shit for the Adrian episode, telling me that he hadn't seen me act that way since Richie got locked up. He went on to say that it was appropriate since Richie had been 19 and Adrian was..........20. WHAT????
He couldn't be! Though he probably spoke no more than 20 words to me I had thought him to be extremely mature and eloquent and oh fuck it! He was 20 and thus relegated to the hands off pile. *sigh*
The nutcase next to me had started to giggle again and I had to resist the urge to pinch him. I felt like I should have been armed with a tranq gun and some zip ties. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely attracted to weird but this fool was just annoying!

Shit! I have another appointment to go to, so I'm afraid the rest of this will have to wait til I get back. It's probably for the best since this is getting long as fuck. Loves you, Melody

Fat Mike joins the family

OK, so I got my kitty. Casey paid the fees and I went down to the shelter to pick one out. It was kinda shitty 'cause once I got in there I wanted to take all of them home. I'm a sucker like that shh, don't tell anyone.
So the shelter had absolutely nothing to put my new kitty in for the ride home, they were out of carriers.I ended up having to drive with one hand and juggle kitty with the other. He was pretty chill but started to spazz out a little....until I turned the stereo on and fate stepped in.
The CD was NOFX and the song was "Don't call me white" which calmed him down when I started singing it to him. Obviously the song isn't about a black cat or even a black guy for that matter but in my infinite wisdom I decided to take the title as literally as possible and presto, my new kitty is named Fat Mike (guy from NOFX). Casey says it doesn't matter what I name him because I'll just end up calling him kitty anyway.
He's probably right.
So here are some pics of Casey and Fat Mike. I had to make them B&W so you could actually see the kitty. For whoever it is that's bummed about the questionable clarity of Casey's face in photos: You try and get his drunk ass to sit still. It's not some conspiracy to keep y'all from getting a good look at him, he's just a primadonna about having his photo taken. He says he feels lame and what can I say to that? No babe don't feel lame, now make with the sexy poses please.
Enjoy the pics, I got Cody to send me some of the shots he took of me before and after the Misfits show and I'll probably post some later....y'all get to see me and my platinum devil lock. Oh the anticipation!
Love you, Melody &Fat Mike

The dead come out at night

Well not every night but pretty regularly. If I dream I see them, all my friends, the ones who are gone. Sometimes I dream weird, random scenes but mostly it's them.
We are always in some in-between place that I've never been to but seem to recognize in bits and pieces.......bits and pieces of my life. Places I've lived,passed through or just vaguely remember. It's all stiched together... cut and paste, a Frankenstein nightmare....of my memories.
They exist in this purgatory and it's a world all it's own, it has streets and domiciles. Rooms upon rooms filled with scattered remembrances, insignificant trifles that become frighteningly meaningful if I gaze at them long enough.
I see the Saint Michael candles I gave Mikey when he got his first apartment, the Hello Kitty radio Ash kept in her motel room, the books Sarah left in my car years and years ago. It makes no sense at all and all the sense in the world.
Walking down a dirt road towards a lighted window, knowing that someone is waiting for me. The house is familiar, our old place on Monterey but when the door swings open it's a room at the Tower. It smells the same, cigarettes and smack, the TV on with the volume down....some song I can't make out playing on the radio...Ash's radio.
Mikey walks out of the bathroom and smiles at me and it's like he'd never gone...only he has. I hug him and we sit on the bed and talk, I recall nothing but the fact that we talk and laugh and I miss him terribly, even as I see him sitting beside me.
Suddenly outside and the dirt road is replaced by the parking lot behind the Padre. We're walking to Ripper's, I've made this trip a million times but it's different somehow. The street signs are blurry, everything is out of focus. The harder I try to make it out the hazier it gets.
We see Sara and she walks with us, saying she's headed to Rip's as well. After a few blocks she puts her hand on my shoulder and stops me, "You can't tell anyone about this, you know that don't you?" She's looking into my eyes...so earnest, almost pleading, "You'll only hurt them if you do."
Tell them what? I'm confused, the dread starting to knot my gut, I know I'm not going to like this.
She's telling me they're all there, living in this in-between place, living in old memories and forgotten occurrences. Not dead...not alive...truly in limbo. Not because they had done wrong but because that's where they...we belong....all of us....eventually.
I look to Mikey for confirmation, he gives me a sad smile, nods his head then looks away.
Turning, I see my sweet baby Ron run across the street towards us. He throws his arms around me and I start to cry.
Ron my beautiful boy, my 19yr old baby, like a little brother, gone for more years than I care to remember. He looks the same...smiles the same smile, wipes my tears and asks what he can do to make me feel better....sounds the same...the same sweet kid. My angel faced boy, that innocent face hiding the mind of a born hustler but he was my baby bro and had a good heart.
I've missed him so much it hurts to look at him but I won't look away, afraid that if I do he'll disappear. I love him like a kid brother, he may as well be my flesh and blood...I love him... my own private tragedy.
I smile and mourn.
He takes my hand and it's like the years melt away, I feel his fingers twine through mine, so real...so warm...so familiar...so alive.
It's a lie.
My Ronnie is gone away...just like Sara and Mikey, just like Ash and Ripper...just like all the others.....
We wander through the dream scape and I see it shift, swirling into new locals with every step. Our destination is the same but we travel a far different path than any I have ever taken. Sara's arm through mine, my hand clutching the deceptive security of Ron's hand, Mikey slightly ahead.....we walk.
I see Sammy working in the old shop on Chester and I know that Ash is somewhere out there as well, I can feel her....I can feel them all. Such sweet devastation and I don't care, I'll bear it just to have them near me again.
The dream ends before we reach our goal but it doesn't matter, it was never about the destination, it was about the journey. The time I spent in the presence of my long gone babies.
I wake up,tears on my cheeks, I can still smell the scent of Sara's perfume and feel the strength of Ron's hand in mine....Mikey's arms hugging me goodbye, almost tangible...almost.
One long convoluted trip but my fondest hope is to go back, to see their faces once more. The not quite dead.
It's all a lie, a glitch in my subconscious.....something I've created to keep them fresh in my mind and ever closer to my heart. I'm deceiving myself on some basic level and I don't care. It's all I have of them and I'll take whatever I can get, that single, hideous lie is better than a million beautiful truths.
I feel like I've cheated, like I dodged a bullet I so deserve....I should be there, alongside them. They weren't perfect but they were mine. Most of them better people than I will ever be...yet they're gone and here I sit.
Content to be worthless...proud to be hopeless and without an once of shame for the things I've done. Irony hangs thick in the air this night.
I'm thinking about the whys and what ifs...something I rarely do. Hindsight is an insidious form of guilt, it sneaks up on you ....and guilt is a useless emotion.
Guilt will get you nowhere, it changes nothing....damages more than it heals. It promotes self loathing and uncertainty...self pity. Misspent energy....rehashing events that have come and gone, look to the future. As a people we rarely learn from our mistakes, we're stupid that way.
So says me as I hope against hope that I will dream of in-between places and the not quite dead. I'm a contradiction, possibly an abomination and I don't care...all that and more, I'll take it....make it mine, make it work for me. Make you love me for it or hate me all the more, you decide...never any middle ground with me.
The people who know me in real life will read this and recognize it for what it is, see me for what I've always been. Adored...abhorred, two sides of the same coin...flip it, see what you feel for me today...
A place I love, where half the denizens prize me and the other half despise me......but either way they all know my name. Not a pretty sentiment but honest....always honest.
Profound nonsense but I record it anyway lest tomorrow wash it from my mind, I need to remember. It's not funny, it's not entertaining and it's surely not clever, it is what it is, it is what I am...for the moment.
A fantastic disaster in love with a hideous lie.

Don't we look cute?

This was how excited Casey was when he found out my mom got me a car for my birthday..............I wonder why he looks so pained? It couldn't be because he's afeared I will run amok...more than usual hehe. He'll get over it, I'm basically a very good girl....basically.
I'll post a pic of it eventually, my camera is being tempermental. My mom took this photo at the hotel right after she presented me with the keys. You can see I'm being very understanding of his dilema by the way I'm laying my head on his chest...to hide the HUGE smile on my face! No need to make him feel worse. Happy New Year fuckers, hope y'all had a fan-freakin-tastic New Years Eve.
That's all for now, oh and I LOVE YOU MOMMY!!!!!!XOXOXO Melody

Is there such a thing as a selfless asshole? There is now!

Wowee! It's been a few days huh? I have no excuse as usual....just because. The kitty pic becomes relevant later on in the post, just thought I' let y'all know. I have some new friends online that came my way via Regina. Junky girls, you can never have enough of those around! I'm being totally sincere! I like 'em.....excepting the freaky cousin of one of these girls who seems to have become obsessed with banging me at some point in the future.
Interesting, I seem to have made another conquest by doing nothing more than being my usual charming self. Understandable really, I am unbelievably charming and infinitely interesting haha.
Not too worried about the pervo cousin, he's in NYC and I don't imagine I'm gonna be there any time soon. Since I'm on the subject I might as well tell y'all the story of the Hot Topic goth drama, I was just oooooooozing personality that day hehe.
My psych appt had been forced upon me and having just left the office of the condescending cunt that is my therapist I was in an amazing mood. Add to that the fact that I had to walk my lazy ass 6 blocks to buy some cigarettes and you might begin to get an idea of what I was feeling that day. Uncharitable to say the least.
I bought my smokes, called Casey to pick me up and sat on the curb to light up and calm down. There I was, minding my own business when I was accosted by the noxious aroma of a clove cigarette. I hate those things on principal, I consider them a prop for the terminally hip. Plus they taste like shit, I could achieve the same effect for far less money by spritzing my Marlboro with some hairspray...NASTY!
Anyway, I look behind me and there's this girl wearing something that looked like Edward Scissorhands en route to the Renaissance fair. I could have overlooked the fact that she was dressed like a moron, it wasn't the outfit per se, it was the fact (one of several),that she was in full costume and make-up at the Citgo,11am Monday morning.
She had to have been in her late 20's and had that snotty look on her face that says she's desperately trying to pull off her look but actually feels insecure as fuck. If you can't pull it off, don't wear it! It could look like absolute shit but as long as you have the savoir fair required to sport it, then it's cool. She didn't.
I was already in a pissy mood and the dirty looks she started shooting in my direction didn't help. I took a long drag off my cig, smiled at her and asked her what the fuck she was staring at. She didn't have a specific answer, just mumbled something....but I didn't really care for her tone haha. I stood up and smiled again, she was still wearing her ultra-cunt expression. Think you can be bigger cunt than moi? Haha, NOT gonna happen, I reign supreme! She rolled her eyes and that was it, I flicked my cigarette at her head and asked her again, what the fuck was she staring at?
First let me say that the outfit looked even more ridiculous as she dodged my lit cig.I never knew lame could move so fast haha. I started from the bottom, telling her exactly what I thought of her retarded Demonia buckle boots and slowly working my way up.
I gave her no opportunity to get a word in as I expounded on what I thought of lames who wore queer My Chemical Romance wristbands and more make-up than the entire cast of Hedwig and the Angry Inch......just to go fetch a Slurpee at the gas station.
I had just finished telling her that if she didn't get that bovine look off her face, I was gonna take her pretentious Dijarm ciagarette and put it out between her over made-up eyes.......then I heard Casey say, "Leave the girl alone, maybe that's just the way her face is, maybe she can't help looking like a constipated gopher"
HAHAHA, that killed it! I started laughing because the unfortunate girl did look a bit gopher-ish. Casey led me back to the truck and my pissy mood was a distant memory.
Now I'm sure y'all are thinking that I'm an insufferable asshole.....and you're probably right. I'm not one iota better than that lame-ass girl. Chances are I'm worse. I wear some retarded gear and my eyeliner bill could probably support a small third world country. I wouldn't be caught dead in a MCR wristband but that's just me. The thing that makes us different is that while I may walk around dressed like the junky makeover that wouldn't die, I have no qualms about it whatsoever.
I have an innate ability to disregard whatever doesn't suit my purpose, that includes the opinions of people who think I'm dressed like an idiot. I don't care, go suck yourself.If you don't like it, then don't fucking look at me.
Same concept as what I tell my anon haters, if they don't like it they can go get hit by a truck, not gonna ruin my day. Speaking of, I'm feeling unloved! I don't think I've had a negative comment in weeks!What the fuck people? The last whacked out e-mail I got was over a month ago and I'm starting to feel neglected.
Oh well, fuck 'em. I have my little circle of blogger buds and all you other misc.fuckers who leave me helpful comments. I loves the comments haha. Even the ones from my nemesis Josh and his unflagging sidekick Eddie. I loves my Eddie too.
So yeah, I'm as lame as anybody else, I just wear it better. I had thought to go into a diatribe attacking metal posers but I'll just summarize. I think that metal is the last refuge for aging hipsters who are trying desperately to cling to some semblance of cool. In circles where punk is considered passe the last gasp is to become a connoisseur of various types of metal music. I have no objection to metal, I listen to my fair share. What I object to is some fucktard who I knew back in the day suddenly swapping his Exploited T for a Motorhead shirt and babbling about Black Sabbath. I love Black sabbath and Motorhead..........I do NOT love morons who go on and on about Iron Man and Ace of Spades yet they look confused should someone mention Tommy Iommi or Eddie Clarke. Plus could you pick two more obvious songs? The whole thing gives me the same disgusted feeling as when I saw a pic of Miley Cyrus wearing a New York Dolls shirt. Fuck! I am a stuck-up cunt SUPREME! Haha, I don't give a FUCK! I think my opinion is justified and brilliant... and that's all that matters. Long fucking summary hehe.
I'm not really a music snob...or am I? Whatever. Just so everybody knows, the fact that I have repeatedly called myself lame only makes me that much more hardcore hahahahaha, riiiiiiight.
Anyway, my mom will be here on Monday, I am so stoked! For the first time in my adult life I can honestly say that I want my mommy. Before I was just too much of a selfish asshole to spare any thought for anyone who was not in my immediate vicinity. I'm still a selfish asshole, it's just that I'm a slightly more considerate selfish asshole.....and boy do I wear it well!
I spent loads of money on presents for everyone and I really don't care what they bring me, my birthday is on New Years and Casey is taking me to get a kitten which is so AWESOME I can barely even begin to verbalize it. A kitty...yay! I looooove kitties. I was banned (by Casey) from having kitties when the last two became strungout.........with NO help on my part.....long story.
Anyway, I'm gonna cook up a storm as soon as my family gets here, insane dishes like Beef Wellington and all that kinda shit. I'm totally excited!
I'm going to the doc tomorrow because I noticed some red splotches on my foot and I'm not gonna wait for it to get worse. They told me that since the infection had been in my blood that it might come back and that I needed to watch it because it could go septic and get into my heart and blah, blah, blah. Meaning......if I ignore it like I am prone to do, I could end up having to have some weird heart surgery or die....so I'm going in tomorrow. Whatever, my biggest worry is that they'll ship me back to the hospital and I'll spend my family's visit there.
Not really worried about the whole septic death (haha) thing, we'll just hafta see what develops. Casey is gonna CRACK if I have to go back in. Is it fucked up that his mental well being is foremost on my mind when I'm thinking about the hospital? I feel like I should be more worried about myself...but I'm not. Hehe maybe I'm becoming a self-less asshole? Naaaaah.
So here's hoping everyone had a kick-ass holiday and if you didn't....stop sniveling, it's over til next year. I love all y'all motherfuckers and don't forget to hit up my girl k1tten on her blog and leave her a comforting comment, she just had to go under the knife for a gnarly abscess and she could use the support. Plus you get to see a gory pic of her gaping wound,post lancing. Who doesn't want to look at that shit?
Later on kiddies,XOXO, Melody Lee

Lovable hopeless me.............

I've been eating percs like candy and was surprised to find that the Neurontin gives a better nod. Interesting.......
Several things happened yesterday, first I got a call super early(8am),from Rainman tempting me with the promise of Oxy if I went on some stupid errand with him. I said, "No!".........then "Maybe"........then "Well I suppose"...........which turned into "Hurry the fuck up already!"
He called back around 12pm to say that he had gotten tied up replacing the fuel pump in one of his cars. Uuuuuugh! Motherfucker!!!! Talk about a tease!
Although I did get some awesome IV drugs in the hospital, it has been way too long since I had any H and Oxy is a decent substitute. So I tried to tamp down that feeling of denied expectation and move on with my day.
Then I get a call from Anna telling me that she overnight-ed me a 1/2 oz of powdered shrooms and 4 syringes of spores (they came yesterday). Over the next couple of weeks I will slowly get all her equipment via US mail.
Why the fuck she sent it to me remains a mystery, I know JACK SHIT about growing shrooms! She's still in Oregon and as far as I know plans to stay there. She's a headcase....and coming from me that's a pretty harsh judgement HAHA. Oh well, I love her anyway. I guess I'm a shroom farmer now.
Oh and my shipment of Persian white and Afghani red poppy seeds came as well. I had to order about 50 packs because they are just biological samples and one is not enough seeds to germinate. What am I going to do with them you ask?
Three guesses and no I'm not retarded enough to think I can refine them into heroin......opium on the other hand I can make. I helped out a friend a few years ago and I have an excellent memory( and if I don't I can just call and ask him). It's a pretty basic process and not half the pain in the ass that it is to make smack. If there's one thing I'm not (and the list is looong) it's a chemist.
It did cross my mind that Rainman might be a help if I decided I wanted to try for some H. He may be an idiot but when it comes to manufacturing substances he is Mr. Wizard. He seems to know his way around chemicals and all that bullshit and I'm sure he would be able to score whatever was needed and............
Yeah, yeah bad idea.........*whining* "But I was only gonna make enough for me and Casey..........." Yeah, right!
Next thing you know I'm the Heroin Czarina of New Mexico!
I has it's appeal but as I have NO desire to cross swords with La M. I think Opium will be juuuust fiiiine. They won't be finding pieces of me scattered across the desert!
I told Casey that I was gonna turn the garage into a hydroponics bay and he just rolled his eyes and reminded me that I can barely remember to water the house plants much less manage to regulate the temps required for fruiting mushrooms. The poppies would probably get fried under the heat lamps or never break soil at all!
Thanx for the vote of confidence babe.
He's right though, I'm way too lazy to stay on top of all that shit..............but that won't keep me from trying. Anna is sending me the dutch oven or whatever the fuck it is (pressure cooker?), the fruiting chamber and all the various odds and ends needed for growing and harvesting shrooms. All I have to do is buy some kind of flour and something called vermiculite(????), if I can't find it here I'll just order it online.
As for the poppies, they thrive in a desert climate but since this is the cocksucking "High" desert and it just snowed here last night, I'm gonna have to go the whole greenhouse route. Who wants to bet $50 that by next fall I'll be neck deep in Opium? What!! No takers? Doubting bastards!
Around 4 I got bored and made Casey take me to Wal-mart where I bought a PS2 and about 20 games. I also made him stop by the Tattoo shop where I purchased a few different labrets, some captive rings and a couple of barbells. I also got some 14G piercing needles.........wonder what I'm gonna do with all that stuff..........
Boredom is an ugly thing!
Casey left for work this morning in fear that he might return and find me looking like Pin-head from Hellraiser. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I'll probably just put a few more holes in my ears and settle for that, I'm too old to be sporting 29 piercings in my face. I was considering my septum but that shit hurts!
Funny how I have no problem sticking rigs in my back and muscle-ing shots of tar so thick they burn like acid. Spinal tap anyone? I did say I was inconsistent.
So I talked to k1tty last night for a few minutes and then decided to go to bed. I took 1200 mg's of Neurontin and 4 percs and was feeling all snugly in my nice warm bed when the phone rang.........and rang and rang. I let it go and it finally stopped. I was awoken from my drug induced snooze around 5 this morning by another series of unending rings. I finally got my ass up and answered it, it was Rainman.
He launched into a tirade about people who don't answer their phones and then told me to be ready at noon. I wonder if I'll go?
I'll be sure to let y'all know in my next installment, MUAHAHAHAHA.........
And I will be sure to sterilize myself before I go injecting any foreign substances. I cringe at the thought that I might have to *shudder* waste the Oxy by eating it.
As my latest anonymous commenter stated, I'm hopeless!!! But that's what makes me so interesting HAHA AND lovable.
Now before I go, I'll leave y'all with a question from my endless store of useless knowledge/trivia: What was the name of the starlet who was squashed to death by Fatty Arbuckle in an orgy that included being penetrated by a champagne bottle?
Christ I love Kenneth Anger!
Bye, Bye angels, this is Melody Lee signing out.

More human than human

The trip to the doc yielded 2 scrips, one for neurontin and one for percocet. Eeeeh better than nothing I suppose, I also got corralled into resuming my psych visits. I have been avoiding that shit like the plague but since I am state ordered I guess it looks like I can either comply or end up having to deal with a whole lotta bullshit. So my appointment is for next week.
Those psych appointments are a joke! The bitch listens to NOTHING that I say and then prescribes stupid meds that do NADA! I have been criticised for poo-pooing therapy but how can being ignored be therapeutic? The cunt believes that I am repressing some hideous memory that has caused me to be the way I am and I disagree. I am not suffering from post traumatic stress disorder!!! I am positive that my mother never handed me over to satanists to be gang raped in some lame ritual when I was 3 and I do NOT need to waste my time looking for a "root" that does not exist! I have no problem dealing with my past, I am not harboring repressed emotions about a damn thing! Ask me anything! I've been through this shit before.....I don't blame my parents for anything, any past abuse/trauma is just that....PAST! I am over it and it doesn't bother me at all.
I do not stay up nights weeping into my pillow thinking about shit that I can't change.Hindsight usually does more harm than good and guilt is for suckers! I think that maybe my psych is hoping that if she beats the dead horse long enough I will start to feel bad about it. Is that fucked up or what? Shiesty quack!
Any one who is interested in reading more about my opinion on psychs and related subjects can follow this link or if the lame-ass link isn't working you can go to my July 11 post "I like my roots..."
So anyway, the Indonesian husband story...............
I had this friend from Poland named Borys, I had met him through one of my connects. He was a fence/club promoter in L.A. and had all kinds of crazy international hookups for weird underground stuff. He dealt in surrogates and baby brokering and green card marriages etc. He fenced stuff for us on occasion but mostly he was just fun to hang out with. He was gay and had a HUGE crush on Casey too. He was always taking pics of us and then he would laugh and say he was gonna cut me out of them. I'm fairly sure he did haha. Casey always was a fag magnet. Borys used to call us his little Sid and Nancy and take us to artsy parties so we could shock his uptight fag friends.
So one day he tells me that he has a proposition for me, he had this friend whose lover needed citizenship. The guy was willing to pay 15,000.00 for it, he was some kind of nuclear engineer or some shit, he could afford it. The guy I was supposed to marry was here on a temporary visa.
After Casey made sure that there wasn't going to be any marital "duties" involved we said yes. Why not, 15 grand is nothing to sneeze at and we had just been booted out of our current lodgings for "suspicious' activity i.e. too much junky business (thanx Johnny Thunders). We were staying with Borys in L.A. til we found a new place and that cash would go far in making that happen.
The first step was meeting the lovely couple, Mark and Teddy. They were super cool and took us out to dinner so we could discuss things. I give them props for not backing out when they saw us because Borys calling us Sid and Nancy was pretty damn accurate. I was on Methadone but shooting H more than I was dosing and Casey was just plain ol' strungout. We were all sucked up but we looked cute, heroin chic at it's finest hahaha. Not exactly the look to inspire confidence though. I guess they liked us and Borys assured them that we weren't gonna take the money and run.
After everybody was all palsy-walsy it was decided that the best thing to do was go back to Bako and make the arrangements there. It was my hometown after all and we wanted everything to look above board.
Mark put us up at the Doubletree (we were still homeless) and paid for everything. Borys was along for the ride as well and he was getting a cut for brokering the whole meet an greet, ever the businessman Borys.
The first thing I had to do was sign a pre-nup and then I signed some papers stating that I would not try to extort more $$ in the future (who me?), not sure how you would present something like that in court but whatever. After we got all that shit notarized we went and got the marriage license. All this took less than a week and the whole time Casey and me were bombed out of our skulls. Mark had kindly provided some petty cash, I wouldn't get any real $$$ til the deed was done. We went out to dinner every night and Mark and Teddy proved to be real troopers, looking the other way as me and Casey snuck off to the bathrooms and spent the majority of the meals trying not to take a nose dive into our entrees.
I ended up getting wed in a black bondage dress and my red and black steel-toes at "The wee kirk of the roses" on Brundage Ave with Casey and Borys signing as witnesses. The wedding photos were something to behold, we always wondered if the minister though it was strange that as soon as he pronounced us man and wife I went straight to Casey and Teddy headed for Mark's loving arms. We went to lunch afterwards and Mark slipped me en envelope with 10,000.00 in it. It was awesome! The stacks of bills had those little bindings on them like in the movies. I would get the other 5 when we passed all the INS bullshit.
Borys took lots of pics of the happy couple for evidence um I mean our family photo album and then we had them drop us downtown. We called up the connect and when we got back to the hotel we had 3 thou less than before. We stayed there for another week and then proceeded to surf from house to house being generous with what was left of the dope. We were in great demand as house guests haha.
I paid my methadone clinic 3 months in advance and we eventually ended up at Kristen's house. I bought a tacky-perfect teal green Firebird and even put some of the money away. That was why I had the $$$ to finance us when we needed it.
Throughout the time at Kristen's we would occasionally make the trip to San Diego (Mark and Teddy's) for misc appointments with INS.
This was also an excellent excuse to skip over the border into T.J. for various odds and ends. This was before you needed a passport to cross over and it was sooo easy to go back and forth on foot. You just went up the stairs and through the turnstile and voila Mexican pharmacies in every direction. You could actually put the pills in your bag and have no problem crossing back. The good ol' days........
We had to go to tons of appointments where they asked us personal questions and whatnot to ensure that we were actually living as husband and wife, needless to say I am a genius at memorization. We would have all night study groups where we would try and learn as much trivial info about each other as possible. Learning all that stuff wasn't that difficult, the real challenge was trying to make Teddy seem masculine enough to come across as straight. He looked very butch but on the inside he was all woman.
It took about a year but Teddy finally got his citizenship and I got my other 5 thou. They loved us and even bailed Casey out of jail one time when he got arrested in Oceanside (Casey gets arrested every time he goes out of town).
Borys got deported after some complications with a surrogate mother from the Czech Republic but when I was still in Bako I would get the occasional call from Krakow, wherever the fuck that is, Poland I suppose.
I'm not sure if I'm still married or not, I lost touch with Mark and Teddy. I guess it's possible, I should probably find out about that, Casey does want to get married eventually and an Indonesian husband could get in the way.
So that's it for now, my lemon-poppy seed muffins are beeping at me from the kitchen and I need a serious smoke break.....followed by about 10 percs heheh. Cold water extraction anyone? APAP is hell on your liver and I have problems enough. Kisses kids, Melody

I've got 5 4 3 2 1.......and a fascination with sub-standard porn

(Yeah I know they're not red but they still kick ass!)


So it's no big surprise that I'm at home this weekend, I'm still quarantined. Not really but I may as well be. I'm bored and have been falling back on some of my more eccentric forms of self entertainment. No not that kinda self entertainment pervs!
I've been listening to alot of my old records and CDs. Going back to stuff I haven't heard in years. My taste in music is so weird on any given day I can be listening to The Electric Eels one minute and then switch over to Hank Williams and then maybe some Dusty Springfield capped off with Gwar and Softcell. Today it was Crass and Billy Holiday. My stereo is like the world's most fucked up mix tape.
I've always liked Crass but I never really gave a shit about their politics. I'm the least politically involved person I know. I just don't give a fuck about any of it, I'm selfish and could care less about the state of govmt in this or any other country. I don't care how ignorant it sounds, it's the truth. I've been hearing about drastic shit going down in this country for as long as I can remember and I never really had it affect me one way or the other therefor I don't give a fuck. Yeah yeah I know, every person makes a difference blah blah blah whatever.
Anyway, I was listening to Crass- Penis Envy and was reminded once again that my mind works in weird ways.
For instance when I hear Eve Libertine screeching out Bata Motel, I don't think about the (supposed) ongoing repression and objectification of women.....I think about how rad it would be to put on "My red high heels" and have some guy "Drive me fast and crash me crazy" so I can " Rise from the wreckage as fresh as a daisy" and have him "Strap my ankles,break my heels, make me feel, make me kneel...."
Fucked up right? I have a feeling that this was NOT the message Crass was trying to get across. Oh well, it is what it is....not the first time my thought process has been a lil twisted. HAHA is that ever an understatement!
I'm not really a masochist. What appeals to me in theory would NEVER fly in real life. I've gotten my ass beat enough times to know that it's not as fun as it seems even if sex is eventually involved. Gracias Grant, you ruined my chances for a career as a submissive bondage slut!
As for all that safe-word, controlled S&M shit, that just seems retarded to me. A word that makes everyone stop if it hurts too much, where's the fun in that? No follow through, no commitment!
I'm too bitchy and mean to ever be a true submissive anyway, I would just end up turning the tables and brutalizing some poor B&D dork with strap-on sex toys for wasting my time with his stupid plasti-cuffs, and gay leather hoods!
I'm sure you-all really wanted to know that.........that's why I shared.
Another thing I've been doing is indulging my love of really awful low-quality amateur porn. I don't watch it to get off, oh no,no,no! I watch it because it is sooooo bad and soooo ridiculous that it's funny as hell and I can laugh for hours. As far as I'm concerned there are few things better than watching some amateur wannabe pornstar try and look hot while some hairy, fat-assed douchebag is trying drive his penis through the back of her head! Priceless! It's my version of America's funniest home videos and way more entertaining than watching a toddler kick his dad in the nads for the million-th time.
I saw one last night that had me pissing my pants it was so funny. This Paris Hilton look-a-like was giving what may possibly have been the worlds worst blowjob and believe me, I am more than qualified to judge. *snigger*
She was trying hard to look sexy but you could tell that she was so not into it. The guy had a HUGE cock and he kept shoving her head down onto it. She did her best to keep this from happening by wrapping her hands around it but he was relentless. The end result was her with dick so far down her throat that her eyes kept crossing. I shit you not, every time he pushed her down on it the bitch went cross-eyed and blew snot bubbles. It was fucking HILARIOUS and only made better by the fact that she kept trying to say naughty-provocative things while is was taking place.
As close as I could tell, she kept asking, "Do you like that? Is that good?" but it sounded more like, "Ooo ooo ike at?*bluahrg-snort* esh at ooog? *aaack ugh*" Poor stupid thing, looking for approval and reassurance from a jerk-off whose one goal in life is to fuck her stomach through her mouth.
I have no problem laughing at her expense either because just like no one forced me onto the streets no one forced her to suck giant cock in front of a camera. If you submit to letting yourself get fucked six ways from Sunday in some amateur gang bang then I can chortle to my hearts content and not feel bad for one filthy second.
Tis also the season for holiday themed porn, which is another of my hobbies. I love those goofy titles, they are almost better than the movies themselves. "Deck the balls" and my personal Thanksgiving favorite "Humkpin Pie."
I'm really disappointed that they haven't come out with a re-issue of A Clockwork Orgy, a shame really. It's a classic!
Fuck! I cut my finger earlier when I was cooking and it's still oozing! Thanx to those anti-coagulants they pumped into me, I've been bleeding and bruising like a hemophiliac. I look like I have leukemia, there are bruises all over my arms, neck and stomach.
I have been cooking alot as well, just because I have nothing better to do. Between having k1tten call me a domestic slut and Josh whining about the fact that these domestic skills were all but non-existent when I lived with him, I think I may have to lay off the Martha Stuart routine. I am NOT a domestic slut.....I'm imported! HAHA and clever too!
I was watching TV and came to the realization that as far as actual acting goes, I think Bill and Ted's excellent adventure may be the best thing Keanu Reeves has ever done. Am I the only one who thinks his acting is comparable to watching paint dry? A razor blade enema holds more appeal! Sitting through most of his movies is torturous, like watching a man sized puppet being put through the it's paces by a guy with a monotone voice box and zero personality.
Anyway, I have to go smoke now so I will end this convoluted tour through my psyche, I'm not actually this random and scattered in real life.....at least I don't think I am. Hmmmm, something to ponder. I'm normal, it's everybody else that's fucked up. Heh heh, riiiiiight.
Au revoir mon chous, Je t'adore. Melody

No Damned for me................

So it's Halloween and where am I? I can tell you where I'm not, I'm not in L.A. getting ready to go see The Damned/Adolescents play a magnificent All Hallows eve show! I will not be having a wonderful time listening to Dave Vanian sing Melody Lee live, right before my very eyes and I will definitely not be hanging out with my friends getting fucked up and having fun.
I will be stuck here in New Mexico scowling at my tickets and wishing death on the people who were lucky enough to make it to the show. This is exactly what I swore would not happen yet here I sit. I hate to think that when I look back on Oct 2008 the highlight of that month will have been midget wrestling at Gators. UGH! It is too dismal to even contemplate and no, I did NOT go see midgets wrestle!
I suppose I can look back and see this as the month when I was able to renew my love affair with H, which is definitely a high point but missing that show is gonna hurt.....it does hurt......poor me.
On the bright side I am feeling OK and I have resisted temptation to A) attack what is left of the H and B)place another order, so things aren't all bad.....I guess. We will probably do some again next weekend, I told Casey it was all gone....I did it all and knowing me the way he does, he believed it. I really haven't touched it since I stashed it and that surprises me in a big way, usually I can talk myself into it no problem. I think the fact that I don't want to do it without Casey(AAAAWWWW *gag*) is a big factor. I know that he can't do it all the time and I don't want to rub it in his face that I can so..........I won't. How selfless of me!
It's all for the best anyway, as much as I love getting gowed, I love him more and I will do what I can to see that I don't wreck him.....too much. I am such a good girlfriend! HAHA yeah right, whatever.
So Happy Halloween fuckers, live it up and don't do anything I wouldn't do (I'd say that leaves your options pretty much open:)) Loves you, Melody

Mommy's little monster

I talked to my mom today, I swear that woman has some kind of radar that lets her know exactly when a phone call would be least appreciated. I love my mom, really I do, it's just that she can try my patience at the best of times.......and half -assed dope sick is NOT the best of times.
My mom is sooo far removed from me, it makes you wonder what she could have done wrong in order to end up with a kid like me. Did she lose a bet with God or what? I am the polar opposite of her in every conceivable way. She is a little snobby and cares way too much about what people think of her. She is very proper, very ladies who lunch. Basically above reproach in every way, I think the only marks she has against her are having married my dad and in turn having spawned me.
She has mellowed out a bit in the last few years, I guess having me for a daughter will do that to you. It was either go with the flow or go crazy. The first time I got arrested I made the mistake of calling her to beg for bail. I would have been better off trying to blow the judge. She was so horrified at the thought that a jail call would show up on her phone bill, I thought she was kidding....at first. Then when she said, "You mean I actually have to lower myself and contact a bail bondsman?" I gave up any hopes I had of being bonded out and didn't try to call her again. She just has no coping mechanism for those kinds of situations, which is really strange considering she was married to my dad but whatever.
She can actually make jokes about my jail time now, whereas before, the subject was off limits, like if she pretended hard enough, it never happened. It's not that easy.
Anyway, she waited about 20 min into the conversation before she started in with her pet causes. Mainly getting me to go back to school and make something out of my life. Not interested! I tested out of school when I was 13/14 and going back now is not an option. She even enrolled me in college back then and I went......for awhile. College is not the place to be when you are 14, especially if you are a trouble magnet like myself. I won't go into the specifics but it was not what my mother had envisioned for her little girl. I spent the next few years running away to L.A. and SF and Mexico and wherever.........
To say my mom had a tough time with me is an understatement and I really think she did the best she could. I didn't give her much to work with, that's for sure. As for school thing I tell her what I've always told her, I don't want to waste my time and her money on something that I know I'm not gonna follow through on. I know I'm not, so I will save her the disappointment and just say so up front. I'm too lazy and unmotivated for college, I would never make it to all those classes. I could if I really wanted to but I don't and I'm not gonna lie about it. I've never subscribed to the belief that you should say things just because it's the 'right thing' to say. I'm sure I would get a better response from people if I did but there's the rub, I don't really give a fuck about getting a better response.
I spent some of my time last summer at my mom's working on her latest book and although it was fun, it's not something I wanna do indefinitely. She now has this idea that I can take over as her in house editor and that is soooo not happening! I don't mind helping out whenever she needs it but that's it.
I think maybe this is her way of finding something to keep me out of trouble. Thanks mom. I feel a little honored that she's willing to risk the integrity of her current/future manuscripts just to keep me out of harms way. Maybe she does love me after all? Just kidding, I know she loves me despite my numerous shortcomings, which is pretty commendable I think. I woulda given up on my sorry ass a loooong time ago.
HAHA, I warned you about the angsty type bullshit you could expect for the next few days, I wasn't lying! Muchos abrazos bitches, con amor y felicidad, Melody

I am domestic as fuck!

This weekend has been amazing! I got an unexpected hook-up from my 'friend' and although I tried to wait a few days we ended up banging a shot within hours of getting it. Big surprise right? I'm gonna be paying for it all next week but I knew that when I fixed the first shot, so I have no one to blame but myself.
We have spent the whole weekend nodding and watching movies and being goofy, just having a good time in general. We watched a movie called Jesus Son, which is really good, I recommend it! It's about a junky guy in the 70's who gets himself straightened out but it's a long, twisted path to get there. It stars Billy Crudup and he does a fantastic job playing the dim yet endearing heroin addict. 2 thumbs up!
This is just a quick hello and then I'm off because Casey just woke up and I promised him biscuits and gravy (homemade) for breakfast. I make awesome homemade biscuits! I roll that shit out and everything and my country gravy? Forget about it! I'll have to invite y'all over for breakfast sometime. Don't worry the side order of heroin is optional. I'll write more later, tomorrow maybe. Being high makes me all lovable and domestic so I'll be doing housewife-y type stuff today......cooking, cleaning, having long bouts of smack enhanced sex with my honey, you know, the usual. That's one of the things that is a definite plus about using occasionally, we don't have to deal with heroin induced impotence, just the opposite in fact. Niiiiiice!
So I'ma go now but I'll holler at y'all later on. Have a maaaaahvelous weekend daaaaaahlings XOXOXOXO, Melody