Friday, March 16, 2012

Not Quite a Cult of Personality...but I'm Working on It

Hot damn! Another huge hand :)
It just stands to reason that after months of not reading comments, the ones I do read would be a ping-pong match regarding my looks/talents and/or lack thereof. Ouch. I'm wounded to the core, as you can see by my speedy reply.
Seriously, no one likes to hear, or in this case read about how unattractive they are...but then it hit me; yes I was bothered BUT I was also smiling, so uh, probably not the reaction you were hoping for.
*Luckily* I am not a super model or an actress, so my peace of mind does not fluctuate in time with the number on my bathroom scale. I am definitely not a fan of getting old but it's pretty obvious that it's inescapable, so while I will slather on any number of overpriced creams and unguents to keep wrinkles at bay, there’s not a whole lot can be done about it.
If you think pointing out what’s up with my looks is gonna throw me, good luck. I’ve been staring down this visage in the mirror for 68-odd years, believe me I know what’s wrong with this picture. My nose is too big, my eyes are the color of shit and I have a weird dimple that I would be willing to swear I never had before 2011. The only good thing about this mess is my mouth and that’s if by ‘good’ you mean ‘looks like it can suck a dick’, so I really have no illusions about all that.
It doesn’t end there, I’m also riddled with scars, frequent bruises and more tracks than a train yard and...? AND it doesn’t mean shit. I realize it’s not hard for a broad to get laid, if you have a vagina, it’s pretty safe to say that you can get someone to put something in it without too much effort. You may have to lower your standards a bit but yes, even a bitch with a cleft-palate, a bum leg and a hump can get some dick if she really wants it.
I’ve never had to take something less than what I wanted at that particular moment, work situations notwithstanding. True I’ve slept with some winners but that was out of personal stupidity, not lack of options. So if I’m too ugly to be conventionally attractive...wait, what? IT’S MY AMAZING PERSONALITY!?
That’s right, and here I thought they were just after me for my mouth...and they were, just not for the reasons you'd think. That’s what makes it so fucking perfect, I’m obnoxious as shit, but they love me anyway. I routinely say things to friends that would make lesser assholes want to curl up and cry...and they love me anyway. Spending an afternoon with me ensures that you will get running commentary on EVERYTHING (so long as I'm conscious enough to give it), and they love me anyway. I don’t give up the pussy (I DON’T) and very rarely buy the dope, we do theirs...and, that’s fucking right, THEY LOVE ME ANYWAY.
If I could see some ulterior motive on their part, better believe I’d point it out but really, what would it be? They’re using me to not get laid and because they need someone to do up all their drugs...right? I do drive on occasion but not enough to make putting up with me worthwhile and although I have been known to engage in fisticuffs for a cause not mine own, it’s not that frequent. So...?
So now I can rest easy. All this time I was living under the assumption that it was my remarkable good looks keeping everyone in thrall, thank you for offering me the means to discover otherwise. How embarrassing if all they’d been after was some tawdry sex-type action!
Mmm-mmm-mmm, I WILL sleep restfully to-night but only after I’ve anointed my crows feet with the jism of barely legal boys and gargled with their tears. I never said I didn’t have an ulterior motive...did I?

Pssssssst: I don't really gargle with their tears, silly...THAT would be icky.

*Crap. All this reminiscing about boys has made me re-think my decision to avoid Adrian. I had a rather powerful mental image of those damned Black Flag bars on his neck and how much I like to lick them. Or rather, how much I would like to, if I allowed myself...ah fuck it. I'm outta here.

Melody Lee 

Monday, March 12, 2012

680+ Words About Nothing

Shiny Crack Head.

Not too sure how many of you mofos are still coming around to read this shit, especially since my last post leaves you feeling a little dirty...or sticky, as the case may be. Regardless, I shall persevere; secure in the knowledge that I am my own biggest fan and that when you all turn against me (all 4 of you), I will still love myself more than anyone else ever could.
My life is kind of complicated for a person who is so totally apathetic to everything around her and that’s no joke. Sometimes I wish I gave more of a fuck about what’s going on but then I remember that no, I really don’t. Being well informed and active in society is kinda stressful and ultimately unrewarding unless you’re interested in becoming a martyr for some cause that the world at large gives one- tenth of a fuck about. Nah, I’m good.
Who knows what’s in store for me this year, not dead yet so...+1 pour moi. My sole resolution is to use more douchy French words in posts etc, so I can sound exactly like Miss Piggy and/or Pepe Le Pew. And head-butting, I need to do more of that too.
Good news, my rib was NOT cracked as I first suspected, merely bruised and it went away fairly quickly. Some of you will know what the fuck I’m talking about and some of you will not. I guess I could write about it but not now, dear God not now. I don’t have the will power to vomit up a marginally readable post about how I (almost) cracked a rib. Fairly sure you-all have a good idea of how it happened anyway and it’s old news, like a month or more.
And MK...Christ what a cluster fuck that whole thing turned out to be and no, NOT literally. No details, it’s too painful pour moi to re-live BUT he promptly started to annoy the shit out of me (again, not literally). I got rid of him for a minute by dropping his iPhone in the toilet but it didn’t last. I continue to get lame txts and horrifically young-looking photos from one of his *spare phones. Ugh. What kind of tool needs more than one iPhone? I don’t care if he does sell weed, he’s a HS kid, not Chapo Guzman. Dumb.
So THAT was embarrassing, too bad I can’t summon up enough ‘give a fuck’ for it to be an issue. It might seem like I was actually distressed but that’s just my inner attention slut rolling out the red carpet for Le Attention Wagon. Or rolling in horse shit like a slutty black & blonde dog, whichever mental image you prefer. In reality, I thought it was kinda hilarious and totally typical of my circus sideshow existence.
Guns guns and more guns! Casey and I sat down one day and decided that we needed to accumulate a completely senseless amount of weaponry. Yay semi-auto. Sigh. He got me a Taurus .45 for Valentine’s Day. How ironic would it be if I get shot with my own V-day gun for a V(ader)-day indiscretion? I’m innocent, Vader got the worst of that barrage, my virtue is still intact...or it would be if I’d had any of that particular virtue left.

Here is my new gun, being lovingly caressed by my enormous hand, haha. Now you know why I fight like a man, it’s cuz I got the mitts for it.
I'd say it's a bad angle but naw, they're just huge.

And possibly the balls; jury is still out pending gyn-e-co-log-i-cal testimony, hahaha.

xo M.L.
P.S. I’ll be back tomorrow-ish when I’m good and high. Between you, me and Huey Lewis, I’m 200% more amazing when I’m wasted. You can take that to mean that I’m pretty fucking fantastic considering how aaaaaawesome I am in general.
Besides, those black sheets looked like they’d been splattered with 3 jars of Kindergarten paste and I feel a vicious case of PTSD rapidly developing. I’ve been furiously laundering everything in sight and it didn’t even occur here. Ugh, damn straight it didn’t! So gross.
Confused? Check the FB and all will be set to rights...until you realize it wasn't nearly worth the 30 seconds it took to look :)
Happy Monday, Bitches.
Fat Mike's Abduction/Rape victim :)