Monday, September 29, 2008
The pic is totally irrelevant, I just like it. I know, sick twisted me.
Do I feel spectacular or what? I spent the last two days on a hellacious come down. L-girl distracted me for awhile when we were on the phone but aside from that .....
This weekend was like a non stop moron-a-thon! I let myself be coerced into driving to cocksucking motherfucking Gallup! Fuck I hate New Mexico! Anyway, Rainman picked me up around 1am on Friday night/Saturday morning. Eric was the only one with him, we went out to the quadruple wide trailer and I got the keys to some tricked out SUV.
They started to tell me all about what was where and I just said, stop right there, I don't even wanna know. Just tell me, is it inside or out?
It was underneath somewhere and Eric had tools to retrieve it when we got where we were going. It was kind of a relief not having Richie there to pluck at me. I hate it when he does that shit. The downside was that without a chaperon, me and Eric could shoot as much speed as we wanted as often as we wanted. Yeah I know, great idea right. This may be the smartest thing I've done in quite some time. Not only was I driving across the desert with God knows how much meth under the truck but I was also gonna do it geeked outta my head.
The first thing we did(naturally) was drive back to my house and fix up. Casey was asleep and we left him that way, he had to work in a few hours. We had until 7am to get to Gallup but we left anyway. Rainman would probably be pissed if he knew we made a detour but fuck him sideways, I was committing several felonies for that assclown, if he didn't like the way I did it, he could drive his own damn drugs to Gallup!
It was all like some really bad drug movie, driving through the dark, spun stupid. After an hour we stopped at a gas station and did another shot. The place was closed, so we did it in the truck. I had to have Eric hold a lighter next to my foot so I could see what I was doing. Eric took over driving the rest of the way. I don't know when we got there but it was way before 7am. Eric drove to some ghetto ass neighborhood and called someone on his cell. We pulled into a driveway and they opened the garage for us to park in. After they shut the door, Eric climbed out and was talking to some dirthead guy. He came back and told me I could wait in the house while he did his thing with the tools.
Inside the house smelled like cigarettes and unwashed tweeker ass. What the fuck do these people have against showers. Newsflash, bathing will not kill your buzz and deodorant is not a meth antidote. You will still be high after you wash your stanky ass I promise.The guys in this room had been doing so much speed for so long that is was oozing out of their pores and that is not a joke. You could smell it in their sweat. and you better believe those fuckers were sweating non stop!
The living room looked like Sanford and Son, they had shit stacked from floor to ceiling against all the walls. Even the dogs were wired, I shit you not! Those motherfucking dogs (2 of them ) were pacing the house, sticking their noses through the blinds so they could scope out the yard.
One of the guys, I'll call him Bubba Buttplug, passed me a pipe. Who the fuck am I to say no? I'm not too good to smoke dope with stinky tweekers, I just happen to smell better than they do.
Those guys just loved me, they were handing me cigarettes, got me a beer, kept passing me the pipe. I'm such a likable girl I make friends everywhere I go!Eric came in a few minutes later, took a hit and after thanking Bubba and co. for their hospitality, we left. We parked by the train station and did another shot, then I drove straight through to Farmington.
We got back to Rainman's and he and Eric got under the truck and took out an obscenely large bundle of cash. I didn't even ask how much, better that I don't know.
I called Casey on his work phone and told him where I was. He said fuck it, stay there, he would call me after work and come get me. How sweet! I think he really just wanted to know where Rainman's house was so he knows where to look for me in the future.
The rest is pretty boring, we smoked some tweek we did a shot, did a shot, smoked some tweek and so on, nothing special. Casey called around 8pm and we had to go meet him on one of the service roads and have him follow us back. He got along with everyone OK but he too thinks Rainman is an idiot.
He was pretty stoked about the gun collection though, they went out shooting but I decided to pass. Instead, I sat in the living room and..........smoked some more tweek. I am really bad about that shit and the fact that I had a fat bag of it didn't help.
You would never know that speed is one of my least favorite drugs would ya? I thought I was over the whole thing but like I said, I have been wrong before, it's rare but it does happen.
I will not be transporting goods for Rainman again! It went down pretty smooth but if I'm gonna get caught moving product, then goddamn it, it will not be meth. I got hooked up fat but that's not the point, if I'm gonna risk my ass, it should be for something worthwhile, like smack. Getting caught is getting caught, I know that but if I had to go down at least let it be for something I love.
Yeah yeah, I know, I'm a stupid worthless cunt, and an ignorant junky bitch. Whatever, at least I'm honest about it. I think it would be way worse for me to go on about 'Look how good I'm doing' and 'Praise Jesus' and Blah, Blah, Blah. It would be lies, total bullshit and it would make me a big douchebag-y hypocrite. The world has enough of those already, I don't need to add myself to the list.
That's all for now kids, I'm spent. Go to sleep tonight and dream of me, I give good nightmare (among other things). XOXO, Melody
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Since I am doing my best to be good and stay home, I thought I would amuse you (and myself) by posting some of my "Hooker war stories." These are a few of the unbelievable, funny and just plain gross things that have happened during my career as a dopefiend/dealer/hooker. Some of them happened to me, some to my friends and they are all true!
I think I'll start with "The Fat Albert Debacle" since it was one of the things that Shelley and I were laughing about the other day. It happened to my friend Melissa and I don't think she has ever recovered from it.
This happened when I was living at The Tower Motel, selling dope. It was an insane place, there was always some kinda drama and nonsense going on. A family had moved in two doors down and we had all been speculating on how exactly they fit into that tiny room.
The dad was this ginormous black man, he must of weighed at least 600 lbs and that is a kind estimate! His even larger wife was 600+ if she was a pound. Add to that their four 350lb kids and you can see why we were so fascinated. I still can't figure out how they did it, that room was the size of a small closet!
Anyway, Melissa called one morning and said she was on her way over to get her wake-up, she only had $20 so she was gonna try and catch a date on the way. About 45 minutes later we hear a frantic knocking on the door and it's Melissa. She leaned back against the door trying to catch her breath, she was all sweaty and pale. I thought maybe she got robbed by a trick she looked so traumatized,
She shoved 60$ in my face and said, "I need a shot, NOW!" I weighed out her bag and told her she could fix up right there. She was shaking her head and mumbling to herself and it wasn't until she had done her hit that the story came pouring out.
Apparently she had had no luck on the way over, it wasn't until she was practically at our door that some one flagged her down. It was our large black neighbor. His wife had taken the kids and gone food shopping(surprise) and I guess he wanted some company.
We were already shaking our heads in horror,'Oh God Melissa, what did you....how did you?'
"It was supposed to be a quick blow job" she said in shaky voice, "He wanted me to get naked and suck his dick."
EWWWWW, we were already cringing at the thought of what a penis that had been marinating under 300 lbs of sweaty lard might smell like.
"He took his clothes off too!" *EEEWWWW!* "He was so fucking fat, I couldn't even see his dick!" she took a deep breath, "He wanted me to get up on the bed next to him so he could grope my ass while I did it, I had to lift up his gut and search for his pecker.It smelled like old cheese and dirty feet!"
"Fuck" Frog choked out, "I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit!"
OH MY FUCKING GOD! Casey was just staring at her with a look of sick fascination on his face and me and Frog were simultaneously laughing and trying not to gag.
She gave us all a dirty look and continued, "I was trying to get it over with as fast as possible and then I don't know what happened....one minute I was doing my thing and then the next minute...
"What, what?" Me and Frog called out between giggle/gags(Casey was still frozen in shock)"What happened?"
"He flipped me over on my back,he was trying to 69 me!"
You need to understand that Melissa weighed 110 soaking wet, she was no match for all that blubber.
"I just remember a HUGE black ass coming towards my face and it was like I was a deer in the headlights I couldn't move fast enough and that Fat Albert motherfucker sat on my head!"
Me and Frog were laughing so fucking hard I had tears in my eyes and thought I was gonna piss myself. Casey still had that glazed expression on his face but something that sounded suspiciously like a giggle was coming from his direction and his shoulders were shaking.
Melissa was getting upset, "It's not fucking funny! I couldn't breathe, I swear to Christ I saw my life flash before my eyes!I never saw something so big move so fast, I think it stunned me!"
That was the final straw, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA exploded from Casey's mouth."Fat Albert" he gasped,"Life flashing before eyes...freakishly fast fat man.....hey hey hey HAHAHAHA."
At this point we were all bustin up, even Melissa. She kept trying to look mad but it was too fucking funny. I ended up kicking her a half G so she wouldn't have to go out again for awhile. Everybody who came by that day got treated to a re-telling of her near death experience, which came to be known as "The Fat Albert Debacle."
We amused ourselves all day by wondering what we would have told every one if she had been smothered to death between a pair of massive black buttcheeks, "Hey hey hey man, did you hear about Melissa? She's fuckin dead man, she got taken out by Fat Albert! No I'm not fucking with you, he sat right on her pointy little head and his big ass swallowed it whole, she never had a chance. Yeah, he was a freakishly fast fat man."
Everybody had the same reaction we did and she never heard the end of that Hey Hey Hey shit! I'm laughing right now as I type this.
I was gonna do a few stories this post but I guess I'll save some for later, I might even favor you with a story involving myself, a stubborn vein/shot of smack and a very twisted mayoral candidate. Hasta Luego chicos y chicas, Melody
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I'm so fucking bored! I think that is probably the root of all my problems. If I could entertain myself then I wouldn't be on the lookout for trouble. I read alot but for the most part I get itchy to do something and since I'm not a compulsive masturbator, there are only so many options. I do love porn though, porn is hella cool!
Casey got me back for my little joke in a roundabout way, I'll just say that stubble burn hurts alot more the day after.It's all good, every time I feel that burn it reminds me of what we did to get it and that makes me smile.
My new phone ho profile should be up tomorrow and I expect great things from it. I bought these totally raunchy pics of a girl who looks like she's 16 to put on my site. If I know guys like I think I do it should be pretty popular. I don't wanna get any anonymous comments about how fucked up I am for using pics of what looks like an underage girl either. That bitch is legal, I got the signed contract to prove it!
I suppose talking to pervs will be somewhat entertaining, I've been offline for awhile, so time to get back to work! God knows I need to find something to occupy my time. If I'm at home I'm either trying to be good (I usually spend all that time online checking myspace like a loser and accepting friend requests from any old damn body)or I'm trying not to let Richie sweet talk me into doing something I oughtn't.
The only hobby I have any interest in is mainlining Heroin and that is unavailable right now, so you see my dilemma.
I've probably said this somewhere before but I love the sound of my own voice so I will say it again. Heroin is not my problem, I am my problem and I'm never gonna be able to get away from myself so fuck it! Plus I don't really see anything wrong with it (then again I wouldn't would I?) I can maintain as a dopefiend, Being that I don't have to hustle for my $$$ or sling dope anymore, I can just sit back and enjoy my smack. If I had any that is.
I know there are tons of people out there who doubtless have a multitude of reasons why my idea of opiate nirvana is wrong. Tell it to someone who gives two shits about your opinion (not me), As if you care what happens to me anyway. You probably think junkies should be executed on the spot like they did the opium addicts in Red China. Maybe you're right, fuck I don't know. I may seem to have everything figured out but I really don't have all the answers. SHOCKER! I just come off as bitingly clever and amazing. I really don't know how I do it, I just radiate awesome. I guess some people got it and some people don't.
HAHA, don't hate me because I'm wonderful, there are so many other reasons.
This is me loving you. XOXO Ciao Babies, Melody Lee from the land of The Damned
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Yesterday was Casey's birthday and I thought he was gonna be gone til late but he came home around 3pm. I was on the phone with Shelley and we were shooting the shit about funny crap that happens when you're on the street. Between the two of us we could write volumes on the subject.
Anyway, after I got off the phone I went in to see Casey and he had already started in on a fifth of JB. Typical. He gave me a shitty look and muttered "Hooker war stories" and that was that. He has serious issues with my past and HATES any mention of my days on the track. I try not to flaunt it in front of him but fuck it, if I wanna bullshit with my friend about ho-ho-horror stories I will.
Around 8 we got a call from Richie, he was with Eric and Sammi and they had some weed and of course speed. Casey said he didn't care if they came over. I thought it might be a good idea because he kept shooting me those looks like he was gonna start in talking shit anytime. I figured the more people around to take his focus off me the better. Wow was that a mistake!
He outdid himself, really and truly! We smoked some weed and drank some beers, sitting out in the back yard with the stereo on. After about half an hour of ignoring my existence, he starts with the dirty looks, muttering to himself.
Now I'm not a total idiot, I know how he gets so I stayed away from Richie the whole time. I mostly talked to Sammi, we were laughing about some shit that happened to her at a party. I guess this was enough to trigger Casey's anti-hooker switch because next thing I know he's saying I'm the devil and that I sucked cock for money just to spite him.
Everybody got really quiet and I just said, "Yeah, so what's your fuckin point?", If he was trying to embarrass me he failed miserably, I got nothin to hide. then he says "Hah, you admit it then, you did all that hooker shit, just to hurt me. You wanted me to feel like shit, you wanted me to die." Hello, complex much? I think somebody has a guilty conscience. What a drama queen!
Being my smart-ass self I said*dripping with sarcasm*," Yes darling, I went out and sucked strange cock for money just because I wanted to get back at you, it's all about you sweetheart. Every move I make, every breath I take.....it revolves around you. Every time I got into a strange car and put myself at risk all I was thinking was Casey's gonna be so sorry he fucked with me, I'll show him! Are you a fucking moron? Do you seriously believe that it was all some twisted plot to break your heart? Maybe if you could discuss this shit like a rational person instead of slurring half-assed insults like a drunk, mongoloid motherfucker, we could sort this crap out!"
He did what he always does at this point, he broke something. This time it was the pyramid of beer bottle that was against the wall. SMASH, glass everywhere. I walked barefoot though half of it to follow him into the house and try to smooth shit over, it was his birthday after all. In the bedroom things didn't get any better, I distracted him for a little while but sex can only do so much. He was really drunk and just kept saying,' I can't even look at you right now , you were a whore, a WHORE."
Boo Hoo, get over it already, you sound like a broken record!
Usually when this happens, he has zero memory of it the next day, which really pisses me off. He gets off the hook by claiming booze blackout and it's not fair!
Not this time bitch! I left him there to pass out and went back outside. The kids looked really uncomfortable but I told 'em to relax, no big deal. I told them that yeah, it was true, so what! Did they have a problem with it? NO? Alright then, lets move on. I grabbed Sammi and we left the boys in the back yard sweeping up glass.
She helped me dig most of it out of my feet which sucked! Then I told her I needed her help with something. I went in and checked to see if Casey was out. Yup, out like a light, he was laying on his back in the all too familiar Jesus Christ pose. I called Sammi in and started undressing him. She just stood there and said,"Um, what are you doing?"
I reassured her that we were not gonna molest my drunk boyfriend, just teach him a lesson. She still looked a little hesitant but she helped me pull of his pants anyway. We got his boxers off and she was like,"Ahhhh,hmmmm, don't get mad but that is really nice." I told her, "I know, impressive right, I'll let him know you think so, now stop staring at his dick and go get the clippers, razor and shaving cream."
That's right people, I did it. I buzzed all his pubes off and shaved his head, then I bic-ed it! It felt really childish and super amazing. His head he might not care about but the hair on his balls is a different matter. HAHAHAHAHAH. I'm still laughing about it!
I left him in the bedroom and told the kids they should probably go, I didn't want them to get caught in the crossfire when he saw what I'd done.
I slept on the couch and got woken up by Casey yelling "WHAT THE FUCK" and "SON OF A BITCH!"
He was late for work so he barely had time to shower and leave, meaning he didn't have time to do much more than give me a dirty look on his way out the door.
I would be worried that maybe this time he really will beat my ass but it's not likely. He called around midday to tell me he was gonna be in Utah til late and he was trying not to laugh when he brought it up. He said the guys at work were givin him shit because he couldn't stop scratching so he finally told them what I did. I am now a legend in the oilfields. And why not, I'm fucking AWESOME!
Casey really is lucky to have a girl like me, don't ya think?
AAAHHAHA,I love you and you and you, the rest can fuck off! Kisses bitches, Melody. P.S. I still have glass in my feet and it fucking hurts!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Anyway, if you've read my first few posts then you know how I feel about the whole cult, um I mean Jehovah's witness thing. I am not overly impressed with anything they have tried to teach me and believe me, they have tried. I am not close minded. I am very open to all sorts of things.
My issue with Jehovah's witnesses is the fact that they feel like they are the only ones who have a true connection with God. I guess that goes for most organized religion but for some reasons their beliefs seem particularly one sided and ignorant. There's supposed to be these people who are 'anointed', that were chosen by God to go up to heaven and help him rule from above while all the lesser (unlucky sheep) witnesses rule on earth.
What about the rest of us you ask? Well, we're fucked! Unless you decide to "Walk in the light" and follow the ways of Jehovah and his witnesses you can resign yourself to a fiery inferno. Cheerful little people of God ain't they.
I asked Casey how the anointed are chosen and he said that they just are. WOW, that explains it! He said that they are just born knowing that they were chosen and that everyone in the church takes their word for it. Double WOW! So I asked him if this blind faith extended beyond their church, like say if I was to decide to become a witness and then I decided that I had been anointed all along, it just took me all these years to see the error of my ways and return to the flock. According to the way things were explained to me that should be okey dokey, because I KNOW I was chosen by God and they just have to take my word for it. Blind faith is a bitch, no?
Oddly enough, that wouldn't work because the last anointed was born years ago, how convenient! Is it me or does it seem especially self-important to think you can decide when heaven has reached maximum capacity? I thought you were supposed to be humble? I could go on for days about that shit. Every time I ask an 'elder' a question, I get quoted some obscure scripture that is really no answer at all.
I think what I hate the most about this whole thing is that whenever his family calls, Casey puts on this act, like he is soo pious. Hilarious right? He goes the the kingdom hall like once a month but as soon as his mom's on the phone he's like, " Yeah, I book study twice a week" or ,"I can't make this decision, I'll have to ask Jehovah." What a fucking douchebag!
I love him and I understand that he has this crisis of conscience going on and shit but come the fuck on! He should have the balls to stand up for what he does, either way. If he doesn't want to be a witness, he should just say so. If he decides that he does indeed want to follow the cockamamie beliefs founded by a bunch of addlepated religious zealots, then more power to him, just choose already!
Don't straddle the fence out of some misguided feeling of guilt. I would have way more respect for him if he just told me to fuck off and that he was gonna worship how he pleases. It's hard for me to take his declarations seriously when I see him jerking back and forth , not willing to commit to one or the other. You can't be self-righteous and preach when you yourself aren't really even trying. I loath being lectured, especially when I know that he is doing the same stupid shit I am. I guess going to church every four weeks give him that privilege.
Plus I think it sounds so fucking pretentious to call God Jehovah, it's like one more thing to remind you that they are members of the special 'chosen' club.I think I'm going to buy a Guinea pig and name it Jehovah, that way every time I hear Casey say he'll ask 'Jehovah' I can point to the habitrail and say, "Go ahead, he's listening."
I was raised catholic and thanx to some sadistic nuns, I have left all that nonsense behind. The Catholic church has turned into a haven for pederasts and perverts and that's just the clergy! The parishioners are just as bad! Imagine the shit you can justify when you believe that confessing your sins once a week wipes your slate clean. Tithe to the church and all is forgiven. Pretty to think so but not very realistic.
I know a few people who have been lucky enough to find a church that is not filled with sanctimonious hypocrites, Shelley for instance. Her church has been awesome in supporting her and I commend that. I'm not against religion, I'm against bullshit and ignorance carried out in the name of God.
I don't think we should go through life believing that God is some tyrannical being ready to cast us into the pit of hell for the slightest indiscretion. I have said it before and I will say it again, I don't think God sweats the small shit, he is not that petty. If I'm wrong well then I guess I have a surprise waiting for me when I kick off. I'm not gonna waste my time looking over my shoulder, waiting for God to come down and spank me.
Anyway, I will stop all this now, before I start to froth at the mouth. My opinions are probably biased and I am about as far as you can get from a theology scholar but it sure is fun to talk shit! Have a bless-ed day fuckers, Love Melody
Monday, September 22, 2008
1) He was going to be alone aka no other people in the house to distract him (and me) from his shenanigans.
2)He has been acting very strange in a vulnerable, sensitive type way and that shit just irritates me. I can't abide a crybaby!
3)He could be the biggest whiner on earth and it still wouldn't alter the fact that he is fuckin' hot and if I were single I might ignore his kicked dog expression and lick the tears off his cute face (along with other parts of his anatomy)!
4)I was under the influence of opiates and that makes me really relaxed and touchy-feely and susceptible to suggestions. Especially if those suggestions sound pretty fuckin good at the time.
5) Casey would be gone til late .......very late!
As I was rolling all those very good reasons around in my head, I heard the door and it was too late. I suppose I could have told him to leave but that would have been rude and I am never rude.
He looked especially good too, he was wearing a wife-beater and he was sightly damp (he rode his skateboard)and out of breath. God I sound so ridiculous, he rode his skateboard! I'm not in junior high for fuck sake! Ahh well.....
Resisting the urge to run my fingers down his arm was difficult but I managed somehow. I very subtly removed myself (see ran) to the kitchen and tried to look busy.
We ended up in the back room, with Richie checking out my new guitar and me laying on the couch, trying to look bored.
He started in about all the excuses Ive been throwing at him. Leading off with the age argument. It's funny that he never mentioned the fact that I have a boyfriend as being the major roadblock. He conveniently ignored Casey's existence.
I told him that his being so much younger than me was kinda creepy, it was very Demi Moore. He of course had excellent reasons why that shouldn't matter, including the ever popular and over abused "age is just a number" and "if I don't care you shouldn't either."
I wouldn't budge on it and I am very proud of myself! He seemed to get a little disgusted by the whole situation and instead of continuing the debate plugged in the guitar and started playing.
I thought it was all over and done with until he popped in a CD and started to play and sing along with it, looking right at me. The smart ass was serenading me with "Teenage Kicks" (which is on default so you can understand why it was significant), putting undue emphasis on 'teenage' every time he sang it.
I would be lying if I said I didn't find that nauseatingly adorable! I am embarrassed to even admit such a thing but it was so friggin cute! One of the reasons I am so attracted to Richie is his confidence. Most guys would not be able to do something like that without feeling and looking ridiculous. Richie just looks.....hot.
Plus I have huge respect for anyone under the age of 25 who even has a clue who The Undertones are, much less knows how to play and sing one of their songs.
Anyway, I left him in there and came into the bedroom to check my e-mail and other misc. crap. I played online for a bit, just to get my tenuous self-control back in check.
About an hour later we decided to watch movies, Richie was not wired (amazing) and we had smoked a joint. That weed kicked in the Oxy all over again. We put on Repo Man and I drifted off watching The Circle Jerks play lounge music.
I woke up when Casey got home, Richie passed out with his head on my lap. Casey took one look at us, snorted, like he was beyond disgusted and said, "Christ, he's like a fuckin puppy or something, pathetic. Wake his punk ass up and tell him to kick rocks, I wanna fuck my old lady now."
AAAAWWW, Casey is so sweet! I had no problem telling Richie to go, he had heard Casey's comment about wanting to fuck me and was mumbling under his breath. Too bad, so sad. God, I am so fucking inconsistent! That kid is gonna be totally fucked in the head if he keeps coming around.
I was talking to Lily and she said something about having someone feel like a kid brother. Not in an incestuous way but more in a comforting, this is my family way. I know exactly what she means, I feel a strong attraction to Richie but I think that if he would lay off the flirting and innuendo I could be happy just hanging out with him. If things were different sex might be possible but not now.
I never confuse sex with romantic love, sometimes you fuck for the sake of fucking. Sometimes you do it to get paid (haha) and sometimes you do it because you feel so close to that person that it just seems like you should. Romantic love doesn't even enter into it, it's more a feeling of family and if that sounds weird so be it. I have no desire to fuck my blood relatives but if some of you want to be purposely obtuse and interpret it that way there's nothing I can do about it.
I guess there's really no point to all this blah, blah, blah, I just though I'd write it all down and see if maybe that would put it into perspective. No such luck!
On the upside, I got a message from Drew this morning and am really excited to hear from him. I was starting to think he was dead or in jail as no one had really seen him. Drew always said he was too delicate for prison (no he's not gay) so I'm glad he's on the outside. He's calling tonight sometime, YAY! I miss my sidekick.
So enough drama for now, Love all y'all, Melody
Saturday, September 20, 2008
I opened the door.......BUT I did not do any speed, I did not leave the house and I sure as hell did NOT go shooting.......guns.
I got woken up by the phone around 2 or so and was sweet talked into compliance with the promise of pills. Little yellow ones with OC printed on one side and 40 on the other. I always thought oxy was overrated but you know me, anything in a pinch, besides it's better than spending the whole night locked inside my own head wired to the gills.
I opened the door with my hand out and did not move 'til the goodies were in my clammy paw;4 of the little dolls. I waved the boys towards the back room and made a bee-line for the john. I crushed, and fixed one of those babies right off. I figured I would get it in me and then go see if Casey wanted a hit. I did aprox 1/2 of one, thinking that it was probably just enough to get me nice and loaded. For whatever reason I didn't consider the fact that I've been clean off H for almost two months.
I sat on the toilet and hit in the big vein that runs over the top of my foot.
I woke up about an hour ago, my ass still on the toilet, forehead on the floor. There was blood everywhere because though I managed to pull the spike outta my foot, I left the tie on like a retard.I now have a spectacular bruise/knot on my right foot and my ass hurts from being perched on the edge of the seat all fucking night.
I forgot how uncomfortable that shit is! Back in the day I used to do it all the time, for awhile I had figured out just how much smack I needed to get dangerously high but not quite dead. The perfect shot was enough to put me out for the night but not kill me.....barely. My back hurts too and I have a red spot on my forehead from having it pressed to the floor like a tard.
I cleaned the dried blood off me and the floor and went to check on the spunions. The back room reeks of meth and gun oil, what a combo! There was a note from Richie on the couch. I guess I wasn't totally unconscious because the boys checked on me periodically and I was able to slur "Get fucked" and "I'll fuck you where you breathe with this toilet brush if you don't shut up and stop that goddamned knocking!" enough times that they left me alone.
My eloquence knows no bounds, even semi-conscious I can delight the ear with pure poetry! I will have to apologize to them for the toilet brush threat, it must have been pretty traumatic for him to have written it down word for word in the note.
AAHH, what a night, I got super fucked up and have no memory of it. An 8 on the 'What the fuck?" meter. I want to be able to enjoy my high next time so I will alter the dose a bit and see what happens.
I have 3 and 1/2 oxys left and if at first you don't succeed, try-try again. I'll wait 'til Casey wakes up though. In the meantime I'm gonna air out the back room and see if a triple whammy of febreeze, incense and airfreshner makes a dent in that gun oil/speed smoke odor film that is clinging to everything. I could lick the walls and get wired that shit is so bad. UUUGH!
Have a good weekend kids, XOXO Love Melody
Friday, September 19, 2008
He's passed out right now and if all goes well, I will join him before too long. I hope nobody shows up tonight, I think I've had it with speed. It's fun and all but it's not what I really want.
I miss Heroin and all this other shit is just killing time until I can get some smack.I'm not actively fiending out or anything but I wouldn't say no if it happened to fall in my lap. HAHA, I fuckin' wish!
I see all the planes fly over our house all day every day and I wonder how much dope is being trafficked right over my head. Probably alot, it's a private airstrip after all.
I guess if I really wanted to I could go to Chimayo and score there, it's like three hours from here. Espanolla is neck deep in dope. I am too lazy to go out and do it though, it's a drag trying to get a hookup when you don't know the town or anyone in it. Eric offered to borrow a car and drive me but I said no. Him and Richie are already in deep shit, all they need is to get caught up with me,trying to score some H. I won't be responsible for that. See I am growing up, a year ago I would have said "Who the fuck are they to me" and done it anyway. I am making crazy-insane progress!
Josh called AGAIN! Casey just rolled his eyes and said,"Tell that faggot he's pushin' his luck." Josh, I know you think you're safe two states away but Christmas will be here soon enough. I don't know what bullshit fantasy Marc told you but Casey is most likely gonna be with me when I visit.
In case I haven't told y'all, when Marc isn't busy touring (The Mentors/The Mantors) he owns the bitchin-est tattoo shop in Bako. He's been promising me free work almost as long as he's been trying to get in my pants(since I was 15),I plan on taking advantage of it when I visit. The ink, not the sex! Asshole Ed is working in some shop as well but it's probably best if I avoid him. Yeah, I think that would be best.
If Richie shows up tonight, I think I will tell him to fuck off, I don't think I'm up to tweeker-sitting tonight. I don't want any speed and I don't particularly want to have then tweek off in my house either. Eric says his cousin likes to kick it here because my house isn't hot. If his dumbass keeps comin around it soon will be. I need cop trouble like I need a kick in the ass. I'm sure some of you feel like a kick in the ass is just what I need. Fuck you anyway, smarty pants.
It's just after 11pm right now and if they are gonna show it will probably be soon. Just another exciting night in Farmington..........whoopee! Maybe Rainman will have some oxys, that would make me tons more receptive to company. Last time we talked, they said something about going shooting again.
The way Rainman's mind works never ceases to amaze me. If I'm not mistaken he is a felon as well currently having absconded on his parole. I really don't think that driving the reservations all spun out with a truck full of some very illegal guns is a good idea. Fucking retard!
Those two boys have picked some hella good role models, me and the methamphetamine savant. I will go to sleep now like a good girl and if I hear the door or phone I will ignore it! I will not do any speed, I will not leave the house and I will definitely not go cruising around in the meth/ammo-mobile. Buenas noches babies, Love Melody
Thursday, September 18, 2008
I have a few notches on my belt that shouldn't have happened. Guys that were nice, decent human beings whose only mistake was thinking that they could fix me.
Fix me, what a a novel idea. Unrepentant fuck up that I am, any attempted renovations were a dismal failure. I don't know what ever gave them the idea that I was redeemable, it certainly wasn't me. If I don't feel broken why would I let you try and patch me back together?
It was like a weird, reverse rehabilitation, with them ending up damaged rather than me mending my ways. I never set out to destroy them, it just happened......decimation by association.
I don't blame anyone for my bullshit, so I really don't think I'm responsible for their choices but still.......
Maybe if I hadn't stolen their perspective by being myself, they would have held on to some of their boundaries. They should have just stayed the fuck away from me to begin with. Short of having 'Proceed with caution'tattooed on my forehead, I don't know what to do about it. It's not like I try to hide what I am, I'm horrifyingly open about the shit I do. I don't bother trying to lie about it because they would find out eventually. I'm not embarrassed, I am who I am, either you like it, live with it or you don't. Easy as that.
All this second guessing has been brought on by Richie. I can't help but notice that since we met he's progressed from happy pot head to hard-core tweeker out on bail. I think maybe I give off some kind of 'fuck up your life' radiation. Just spend some time in my presence and it will start to mutate your common sense!
Whatever! I never asked him to get me speed, I never asked to be included in his little adventures, I never asked...........
Excuses, excuses, I am the fucking queen of excuses! Give me long enough and I can rationalize or justify anything. Quite a gift I've got!
Fuck it! Bring 'em on, I'll tear every last one down. I laugh about it but it's true. I think it runs in my family. The women in my family outlive the men by a huge margin. I've told Casey that he needs to prepare himself for an early demise. He's going prematurely grey and I have no illusions as to the cause. I know you may not believe this but I can be somewhat hard to handle.
I try to make up for it sometimes but usually don't bother because you knew how I was when you met me. If you don't like it move on. Anyone that can't deal with my shit but sticks around anyway is either a moron or a glutton for punishment.
Casey loves me so he gets a pass. Love makes you stupid anyway, I have done things that go against my basic principals(betcha thought I didn't have any),all in the name of love. I have become love's bitch.
I walk such a fine line between what I think is right and wrong, my life is like one enormous grey area. That line has been stretched, twisted and torn so many times I wonder if it even exists anymore. Oh well, it may be tattered and almost non-existent but as long as I can see it that's all that matters. A girl has to have some standards of measurement for deviant behavior.
I guess what it all comes down to is this: I don't expect anyone to fix me, save me, absolve me or convert me. I am responsible for my own actions or lack therof. Twinges of guilt get through occasionally but that counts for shit. Guilt is a waste of time, it won't un-make bad choices and it will never change the past. People hardly ever learn from their mistakes anyway, they just file them away to be made all over again at a later date. We're stupid that way.
The truth of the matter is if you need saving,I can't do it for you...... you gotta save yourself.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
I don't even know where to start, I am at a loss, which is unusual for me.
I guess he sent the visitors on their way but decided to wake me up for Big Daddy J.*snort*. I have no idea how long they were on the phone before Casey woke me but by the look on his face it was a good while. I don't dare contemplate their topic of conversation.
I was however extremely interested in how the fuck Josh got my phone #! He wouldn't snitch but I have a good idea. I will get Marc for this. He will pay and pay dearly!
Josh was his usual charming (see annoying) self. dropping such original phrases like "Damn girl, you know you wanna get back with this" and "That boy can't take care of you like I can, you need a real man" Let me know when you find one, Josh.
I hate to think what Casey would do if he heard Josh casting aspersions on his manhood. It would not be pretty. I also wonder just how much ass J-dog *double snort* kissed in order to get Casey to pass me the phone.
Once upon a time Josh got laid by pretending to be Casey. That bitch must have been free-basing dirt clods because they look nothing alike. Anyway, it turned out that she had a boyfriend who wasn't too happy about the whole thing and came looking for 'Casey'. Even though Casey loves to scrap, he was still pissed at Josh over the whole thing.
He actually dislikes just about everyone I have had any kind of relationship with. The random flings he can handle but anyone that I spent more than a few weeks with is an issue. He hates Ed and loathes Grant so I imagine his feelings for Josh are somewhere along those lines.
So I go outside and sit through an interminable amount of blah, blah, blah.
Josh, I want you to know that after about 5 minutes into your spiel you started sounding like charlie Brown's teacher. All I heard was "Wah wah....... wah wah wah wah....wah! Wah?"
I love you babe, I really do but gimme a fuckin' break! Do you have to be such a tool? Whatever gave you the idea that acting like a dipshit would get me to come across? You have turned into a parody of yourself and you don't even know it. I already told you, nobody likes a dipshit!
Too much crap to deal with! What is my fucking problem? I think the fact that I have always had more guy friends around me has fucked up my view of shit. I don't have any reservations with them and as a result they mistake friendly affection for something else.
The Richie thing I will take responsibility for, I let that go too far when it shouldn't have even started it in the first place. I am a weak, weak woman. Now what the fuck do I do? I have a kid who is too young for me wanting to get more and more involved. Uuugh forget that, back to Josh.
What do I have to do to get you to understand? I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU AGAIN. Did you get that? I hold out hope that your seeing it here in nice, big, easy to read letters might make it sink into your thick head. You don't love me like that Josh, you love the idea of me, God only knows why. I understand that I am hard to forget, I would want me too. I am an amazing mess, just the kind of girl a junky fuck up needs by his side.
I also understand that the majority of girls hot for your cock are empty headed bad boy groupies. So sorry, but it's not my problem. Maybe ScAmber or Donnareah are available, they always wanted you anyway. Just try and forget the fact that they are ruthless junky psycho-beasts and have fun. I don't know what else to tell you.
My life has turned into a bad movie of the week! I wouldn't even watch this crap!
There's the fucking door...........goddamn it! Any second now, Casey will come in here and tell me my "jailbait" is waiting for me. AAARGH! Now that all this shit has happened (cops and jail) Richie is acting all vulnerable and quiet, not like himself at all. I don't think all that cocky confidence was an act but I am starting to wonder if the new, subdued Richie is just another character in his repertoire. He is a sociopath in training. I hear voices outside the bedroom(not Elvis), so I suppose I should go. I will not....NOT do any speed tonight. Hopefully.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Lilygirl defended my honor(what there is of it), quite valiantly. My boys also came riding to the rescue via comments and even though it was all pretty immature shit slinging, it was hella entertaining to read. Colostomy bag.....turd catcher HAHAHA! I will have to explain to Josh that stepping up to someone online doesn't do much but hey it's the thought that counts. Josh baby, I know you would stomp 'anonymous' for me and that's what really matters. Don't think that this changes things though, like I said, if you really care, just be my friend.
Anyways I had so much shit happen in the last 48 hours that my head is still spinning (not the only thing ).
It seems like every week I say to myself , "I am staying the fuck home this weekend!"and every weekend I end up running amok. I thought I had it down last night, it was goin' on 3am and we were watching movies. Just me and Casey. I heard the phone ringing in the next room and decided to ignore it, a 3am phone call is rarely good, especially when there are only a few people privileged enough to have the #. After something like 10 back to back calls (they kept hanging up on the machine) I got pissed and answered it.
"You are receiving a collect call from an inmate currently being held at the San Juan county jail, this call will be recorded. Do you wish to accept?" WHAT THE FUCK?
Even before it connected knew who's voice I was gonna hear. Little bastard!
"Melody, it's me....Richie" no shit "Me and Eric got picked up" no shit "We need you to do us a big favor" here it comes "Please" wait for it "Can you come and bail us out" there it is.
What could I say to that? I guess I could have said no, I probably would have if he hadn't told me that the money was taken care of, all I had to do was get picked up and hit the bail bonds. I asked him why he needed me if someone was already standing by with the $$$. Why couldn't they go do it. He just said,"Please, I can't talk about it now, can you do it?" I finally agreed, though I didn't fell like fucking with it at all.
He told me to go outside in 30 min and someone would pick me up, he wouldn't say who. Fantastic! I didn't get to bitch about it because Casey was standing there glaring at me and when he heard me say I'd be out in 30 he ripped the phone out of the wall. I ignored him because opening my mouth would result in a long tiresome argument and I couldn't handle it right then. Plus I needed to get dressed and ready to go. He followed me from room to room, talkin' up a shit storm.
I don't remember much of what he said 'cause I was blocking him out ( I'm very good at that)and he didn't try to physically stop me either. I think it's because when he gets really pissed at me he's afraid that if he touches me he will kill me (I wonder why?). Sounds funny but then most of you don't know Casey. He has a wicked temper. I've seen him lose it on people and it's pretty fuckin crazy. I'm glad he has some restraint when it comes to throttling me, even I know I deserve it sometimes.....OK most of the time.
I stood outside and smoked a cig and before long a car pulled up to the curb. It was Eric's cousin. Now I understood why Richie wouldn't say his name. He is way wanted in SJ county. Meth is a plague in these parts and they don't look kindly on the people who manufacture it, not that I'm saying he does. I got in the car and the first thing he does is pull out a bullet! While we're driving! I declined but he proceeded to hotbox the car sooo fucking bad I was getting wired just riding next to him. It is not comforting to have someone repeatedly say "Take the wheel" so he can hit his pipe, especially when you are en route to the bondsman/cop shop. It boggles the mind to think this is the same individual who has eluded law enforcement for the last few years. It also speaks volumes about the competence(incompetence) of the police agencies in this area.
He dropped me at the bail bonds with 3500 in cash and told me to use my name (thanx alot asshole) and pay part of the 10% on Eric and Richie. He was putting up some cars as collateral on the rest. I'm not real sure about the whole process, every time I got arrested I knew better than to expect someone to bail me out, so I took his word for it. The bondsman was a friend of his so all I had to do was go in with the pink slips and cash, fill out some shit and then ride with the bondsman to the jail. I hadn't even asked what they got popped for. I did however make sure that I wouldn't be on the line if they fucked off their court appearances. I'd be damned if I was gonna cough up the rest of the bond.
It took forever! I hate jail waiting areas, I hated even being within sight of a police facility much less inside........it made me fucking nervous! Maybe it was the contact high I got from all that freakin' smoke, whatever it was it sucked!
Finally the two little fuck heads come out, lookin' all shamefaced and shit. Eric is apologizing and Richie won't look at me. I start to wonder how the fuck we're getting home when Eric walks up the street and pulls a hide a key from the wheel well of a truck. His cousin had someone leave us transportation. How considerate! I got tapped for bond detail because everyone else was too spun/paranoid to do it themselves yet someone could go to the trouble of leaving a vehicle for us not one block away! Tweekers confuse me.
It was now almost 6am and knowing what was waiting for me at my house, I decided to go back to Eric's cousin's. When we got there it was mayhem, I finally found out that they had been caught holding almost a ball of cryssy. Even more fucked, some of it was bagged in $20 servings so they could be charged with intent to distribute. It was all kinda confusing, I still don't know the whole story. Richie dragged me outside and said he was sorry, he also said he was embarrassed.
I'm almost certain that it was all some moronic money making scheme thought up by Eric and Richie and facilitated by the cousin. Again I am astounded that this is the man that the cops can't catch. Maybe he is an idiot savant. A meth idiot savant, like Rainman with methamphetamine, that would be funny as fuck!
So I told Richie not to sweat it, everybody I know has been caught up for one thing or another. I then told him he was an ignorant, stupid fuck for carrying that much speed...... some of it bagged....on foot....... close to midnight...on a Friday. I also told him it was OK, that now he knew better and that a lengthy prison term would only strengthen that knowledge. He was not as amused by my comment as I was.
We went back in and yes I did some speed. Why the fuck not, I earned it and besides I had nothing better to do at 7:30am on a Saturday morning. I didn't want to go home yet, I was positive that Casey was lying in wait for me and would (verbally) pounce the second I walked through the door. I would put that shit off as long as fucking possible.
I would have been better off going home. I got a FAT hookup for taking care of the bail stuff and proceeded to get ultra high. Richie was sitting on the floor against the wall in one of the bedrooms. I was in front of him, sitting between his legs, my foot on my thigh while I tried to find a vein. I hit and that shit knocked me back...............right up against Richie. *Sigh*
I don't think I have to mention that speed makes you really horny and being held back against Richie's chest while it takes effect makes you even hornier. I may have lingered longer than I should have. I may also have let him run his hands up under my shirt. Oooops.
I think it was when those (abnormally) fast hands slid up under my bra that I regained my senses and scooted away from him.
I am a pillar of restraint and morality! Really!
If any of you saw Richie you would be amazed that I am not under (or over) him right this second. He is too cute for his and my own good. He got all hurt looking when I moved away,then he stood up and walked over to the window. I got up too and sat on the bed. I told him that we had been over this shit before, if he was gonna be my friend he needed to cut the crap.
He countered that with the fact that I was obviously attracted to him. I told him that was irrelevant, I was attracted to lots of guys. Just because I think you're hot does not mean your guaranteed a piece of ass. Not usually anyway.
He has gotten to know me too well and has figured what pushes my buttons, good and bad. He walked over to the bed, knelt on the floor in front of me, picked up my foot and licked the blood off........
It was time to go! I needed to remove myself from his presence as soon as fucking possible. Hot guys licking blood off me is definitely one of my weaknesses, especially if I am already high on something and needles were involved. That exact scenario has led to some of the most amazing sex ever, so you understand why it was imperative for me to put many, many miles between me and Richie.
I got Eric to take me home. We talked about alot of shit, he was worried about the charges they might be looking at. He didn't want to end up doing 6 years for possession with intent. I don't blame him. I told him that it was the chance you took if you wanted to deal, no getting around it. Come to terms with that and move on or don't sell drugs, get a job at Wal-mart instead. Thrilling prospect.
Eric also told me that Richie really liked me; really, really liked me and that it was hard for him to just be friends. I don't need to hear that shit. I have enough on my plate already. Casey alone is enough to drive me to distraction, not to mention Josh and some other bullshit with the guys back home.
I think I've had it, I like Richie but if this keeps up something bad is gonna happen. I have been here before and it never ends well. Maybe I should just relocate to a hut in the desert all by myself with no boys to make me crazy. I'll live in a mud shack with nothing but a blanket, a vibrator and a lifetime supply of batteries and cigarettes. Maybe not.
In case you're wondering, yes Casey was livid when I got home. I told him to blow it out his ass and locked myself in the bathroom. I didn't come out until I had a shot of speed all ready for him. He took it but he was still pissed, it was an improvement though because now he was pissed and horny. That I can handle. I handled it until sometime this afternoon where apon I had to take a shower and lay down.......ALONE! I woke up a little while ago and tada. I have bared my soul yet again. I hope you fuckers appreciate it. HAHA I love ya, Melody
P.S. Lilygirl check your myspace or call, I have an M.I.A. update!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
IT'S A FACT!
You know when you're sure that no one gives a crap, you're on the right track
It's a fact
And when you believe,things are good it's guaranteedyou're up your ass
Its' a fact!
Morons rule the world and it's shitty place, no one ever asked to be born
It's a fact
You know every timeyou think you've got it right,you're totally wrong
It's a fact
And when you really try the efforts misapplied or there's a catch
Calling the pics of my friends a freak show is a little redundant, don't you think? Saying I am a whore is equally pointless, you can't make me feel more fucked up about the Ed sitch than I already do. I have been dealing with that guilt for-fucking -ever. I have been called way worse by better people than you sweetheart, nice try though.
I know that all my friends look like refugees from a tattooed junky convention, duh. Maybe it's because *gasp* they are all tattooed junkies? You can't insult the un-insultable.
If I was so goddamned sensitive I would have gnawed through my wrists and bid a fond farewell to morons like you long ago. If everything I do is fucked, then I will do my best to fuck it up right! Besides, anyone with any taste whatsoever can plainly see that I am a brilliant, shining example of what every girl should strive for. I am a fucking superstar, a legend in my own mind and that's OK . I am content to live in my delusional little world because baby, I'm a star!
AHHH HAHAHA. Fuck you anyway anonymous, you pay homage to my genius every time you leave some poorly thought out comment in an attempt to make me feel worthless. Sucker!
I will go to sleep smiling because for every person that hates my guts there are three that get exactly what I'm saying. That means that whether you like it or not, the fuck-ups outnumber the so called 'normal' people in a major way. A truly beautiful thought. Sweet dreams anonymous.
It has not escaped my attention that even as I talk shit about anon furthering my glory, I am doing the same thing by even acknowledging his/her existence. Hmmm, ironic.
Hugs, kisses and all the shit that goes on in between, Love Melody