Fuck me, I look goddamn miserable don't I?*dripping sarcasm* Pffffft! Smug maybe...fuck man, check that crazy-slick default song, damn The Sonics kick some serious ass!
Now lookie here, a blog post where I get to argue my point, LOVE IT! It's been awhile since I've gotten to do that, sooo stoked hahaha. I'm gonna resort to the same kind of braggadocios douchebaggery that I so often condemn but it's for a good cause. Prepare yourself kids this is gonna be messy hahaha, just kidding, it'll be on par with my usual crap, promise. Below is the comment I got and my subsequent rebuttal.
"I could be a soccer mom for fuck sake! Or even a *shudder* real estate lady!"
I wouldn't want to be either, but there's a hell of a lot more that someone cab be b/w being a mother or selling real estate or being a junkie. I've been a heroin addict so I know how good the feeling is, but it's nowhere near the feeling of accompising things you thought you couldn't do, making your own way instead of going shot to shot, and finding something to do for a career that you like. All of your insistence that you're happy being a junkie phone whore is a front for the things you don't want to face- being a loser, abandoning your kid, having nothing, being nothing- if that wasn't the case you wouldn't feel the need to constantly insist that you are happy with how you turned out.
PS You don't sound like an "intellectual philosopher," but you do sound like a rambling junkie.
Sweetheart, haven't you learned that I love to talk about myself? I bitch, blather and blog just because I can. If you think that I make certain statements about my life out of some deep need to reassure myself, you are waaaay off base! Fuck, I'm soooo glad I sound like a rambling junky i.e. ME! I was seriously worried that I was starting to sound like everybody else! The real issue here is that it's not up to anyone else to decide how I do or don't feel. How can you even think to try and choose my feelings for me? I can respect the fact that you've been an H addict and that you can relate to the feeling it gives you but we are not all created equal. Just because you've discovered some kind of remorse over the things you did in your past doesn't mean that I have to. It's not so far fetched really, that I'm happy as I am, why the fuck wouldn't I be? I have a nice home, I have a crazy-good income and yes it's phone whoring but again, who are you to decide that it's such a dead end job? I earn my money by working 10-12 hours a day and make what amounts to $45.00 an hour. My old man busts ass in the oilfields all day and doesn't make half as much as I do. So tell me again why my chosen profession is so bad, looks pretty fuckin good to me. I'm not working for some half assed, fly by night company, this IS my career. The sex industry is the closest thing to a recession proof job you can find and oddly enough, I'm making 3X what the college graduate who got laid off and is now working at Taco Bell earns.
What if my idea of having a long term goal is not to have one at all? Why would I want to plan out my life like that? I would go insane if I knew what was gonna happen in 5 years? No fun in that! I'm quite content to leave the future a mystery and enjoy it as it comes.
Since only the people who know me in real life are privy to the details of how my daughter came to be in my mother's care, I don't really think you can pass judgement on that situation. I never abandoned her but I don't feel like I need to explain or justify my actions to a faceless comment on a public blog. I don't think I'm a loser, I just accept the title with good grace hahaha. I don't give the slightest fuck what anybody thinks, it makes things so much easier, not having to worry about others opinions. Shall I make an itemized list of my loser accomplishments?
MY LOSER ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
*3 bedroom house, rent paid on time monthly
*SUV less than a year old
*all bills paid, utilities, cable, Internet etc.
*New laptop and desktop PC
*Crazy bouts of online shopping with my CREDIT CARD haha
*Sweet, crazy furnishings that I add to on a regular basis.
*So many electronic game systems, TV, stereos, record players that I will not list them all.
*So many kitchen implements that Martha Stewart would be envious.
*The sweetest collection of records, Cd's, etc that I add to regularly.
*More clothes and shoes than Imelda Marcos.
*A gross monthly income of $3050.00 give or take a few bucks( me and Casey)
*A daughter who adores me no matter what I've done and yes she knows, I've never lied to her about that.
*An old man who puts up with all my shit and loves me anyway and a cat who disdains every move I make but still manages to treat me like I hung the moon.
*A family who also loves me, come heroin, hell or high water.
*Friends both old and new who like me as I am and know that you try to change me at your own risk.
*The ability and means to get as fucked up as I want and still keep my shit together.
*Peace of mind because I know that I'm doing ok, no matter what anyone else believes.
Funny thing is you could take almost all of that away(material things) and I would still be alright. The key to inner happiness is to take what you've got and make the best of it. I'm not 100% happy 100% of the time but neither is anyone else, addict or not. I suppose I should spend the rest of my life boo-hooing over the past, over things I can't change? Would it be more acceptable if I came here and blogged about guilt and remorse? I could do that but every word of it would be horse shit. There is enough manure in this world, I don't think I should add to the pile.
So you've cleaned up your life and found a sense of accomplishment bravo, I'm happy for you, you found something that works FOR YOU. So have I, so please don't condescend to tell me how I feel about it, the only person who can state my true feelings is me. I'm not ignoring the fact that ALOT of addicts feel as you do, that's their prerogative and yours but trying to force those convictions on me is silly and not a little presumptuous. My lifestyle ain't for everyone, addicts included but it's what I chose and I'm secure in my decision, period!
Shit, glad I cleared that up hahaha.
Later on mothafuckas, hugs and kisses and all that kinda sheeeeit!
P.S. My new friend Denny at AllTreatment.com has informed me that congress lifted the ban on national funding for needle exchanges, excellent news if I ever heard it! More to come on this topic later. See! I get along with treatment center types haha, nothing wrong with recovery my loves, as long as ain't mine heheh!
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
When I think of being an addict I think back to when it all started, you know, the very first time I got high. Not H, I actually think it was weed, I think...or maybe pills but anyway it's not so much about the specific details but on whether I would change things. Like if I had known what was gonna be the end result, that I would be somewhat bedraggled and in love with a drug that has no capability of loving me back, would I still take that first shot? What do you think?
I hate to imagine what I might have settled for had I not taken that sharp turn at the corner of Heroin and Destiny street. I could be a soccer mom for fuck sake! Or even a *shudder* real estate lady! I have ZERO regrets about the way shit has turned out, I knew how it was gonna be the first time I took that poke in the arm, it's not like I didn't know what I was getting into. I grew up listening to stories about my crazy fucked up dad and his H addiction. I had NO illusions about where I was headed, I just didn't care, I made a choice.
It bothers me on so many levels when I hear people going on about how drugs screwed up their lives, like they had no say in it all. The drugs don't pull the strings baby you do, whether you wanna admit it or not. The drugs didn't make you hock your flat screen, they didn't make you steal your parent's retirement money and they sure as fuck didn't make you suck that dick! YOU did it because of whatever it is that the drugs provide you with, be it comfort, misery or oblivion. There's alot of people who thrive on misery, it's like a black cloud that follows them around and drugs can be the perfect sidekick to that situation. These people are unhappy when they're sober and equally unhappy when they're high. Sad really, what a waste of perfectly good drugs.
Worse even are the ones who refuse any responsibility for their actions. I have a homeboy who will do the most shady crap when he's strung out and then come back and apologize for it when he's clean. Like being a dopefiend gives him a license to be a piece of shit. Fuckin pussy, if he's gonna be an asshole, he should man up and be an asshole 24/7, none of this "I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking straight" bullshit!
It's all so mystifying to me, it's like a really stupid form of buyers remorse. You had your fun and now yuo hafta pay the price, no one said it was gonna be easy. Where does it say that Heroin is a safe form of pharmaceutical recreation? Last time I checked, my main man was at the top of the "Stay the fuck away" list.
I must have missed the press release from the International Opiate Association where they stated that shooting smack was 100% safe and had no lasting after effects. What the fuck did you think was gonnna happen, that you would be miraculously exempt from the addiction clause in the H contract? You shoulda read the fine print motherfuckers, 'cause you signed that bitch in blood the first time you stuck that hypo in your arm.
I'm not being heartless, just honest. You may be pre-disposed to addiction but it's still you making the decisions. I understand that people react in different ways when it comes to being dopesick but the reality is that it's not gonna kill you. It's a miserable, seemingly endless process but it does end and going into a spasticated seizure and knocking over a 7-11 is just gonna make your sitch waaaay more complicated.
It all comes down to how you look at things and even though I may have a single minded purpose where my actions are concerned, when shit goes south I still know where the blame ultimately lies. Oscar Wilde said,"We are each are own Devil and we make this world our Hell." I think it's appropriate to this situation but I also take it out of context and apply my own interpretation (what's new right?). Hell is a relative term and can mean so many things, not all of them truly bad. If my Hell is what I've created around me how can I help but adore it? It's an extension of me and what could be better than that? Suffering gained through exquisite means is not made any less wondrous because of it's origin and ultimate destination. It's beautiful in it's simplicity and reduces us to the bare bones of self, we are at our most basic when we hurt. Therefore...how can a Hell comprised of my own nature and design be anything less than...magnificent?
Christ, could I sound any more like a pseudo intellectual, philosophizing windbag? Haha, maybe if I try really, really hard! Perhaps it does sound pompous but that doesn't make it untrue. Take your fucked up addiction and hold it close, love it, pet it, for no one else can lay claim to it but you. It's all yours sugar, as is what you choose to do with it. You can carry it to the grave or you can put it to bed but make no mistake, it's ancestry is clear. There are no branches on that family tree, make it work for you or walk away, that simple and that complicated.
Hmmm, more in love with myself today than ever aren't I? Whatever, it suits me *wink* have an amazing weekend kids, however you decide to spend it.