Well, I'm doing something I said I never would...I'm disabling comments. Due to the fact that Anna seems to have plenty to say but can't come say it to my face. She would rather post it in comments, so she can get attention because I know it's not so I'll see them. I don't read comments, not even those. I've heard from people that she's on here running at the mouth and that's all I need to hear. Oh but wait, maybe she can send her mom over to say them for her?
I think anyone who's been privy to her FB posts knows that she has more anger than sense and will say some of the stupidest shit about what she's doing at the moment and then wonder why they're using it against her in court. Super smart.
So even though she's on here going on about how selfless she was to try to take care of me and what a selfish cunt I am blah blah blah. THIS selfish cunt managed to control herself enough to NOT write about anything they could use against her. Because you know, I'm such a backstabbing bitch etc etc. *rolling eyes*
For someone who claims to not want to attract negative opinions, she sure went to the right place to do just that. As if the people reading this don't already have the lowest opinion of me possible. If anything they're pissed that she didn't let me die, which woulda been hard since the times I actually DID overdose, it was K looking after me, not her attention seeking ass.
If all you have to do is pull on my arm to wake me up, then I'm not dying, you ignorant cow, I'm just high as fuck.
Talking shit about me to K when he was here BEFORE I ever said anything about her, talking shit about me to Casey, again BEFORE I said a damn thing about her. In my own house. Classy.
I could go in and give a full explanation of what was happening to cause me to say what I did, but I won't. Not because of what it says about me but because of what it says about her. You know, coz I', just trashy like that. With a needle in my neck, hahaha. Sigh. Whatever. I'm out.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Anna is not speaking to me a-gain. Quelle surprise. She went through my phone when I was unconscious and found some texts to Casey bitching about her mothering me and some other stuff. In my defense, we were fighting that day. And I'm an asshole. BUT people know better than to go through other people's phones, because you are always gonna find something you aren't gonna like. Fact.
Anyway, I'm sure she'll get over it in a couple years. That bitch can hold a grudge like no other, haha. She doesn't need to be around me anyway, so best that it happened like this. Even if I am sorry her feelings were hurt. I just don't take well to getting woken up and put to bed unless you're planning on fucking me...which I'm assuming she wasn't.
I'm really thinking that no one needs to be around me, as I am a huge wrecker of lives simply by association. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, again it's just a fact. I do a lot of fucked up shit and a lot of drugs and if you're trying to keep your head straight, I am not the friend to have. I won't force anything on you but just know it's likely gonna be present in one form or another. And not everyone is as good at dealing with my insane schedule of: strungout...kicking...chipping...strungout...clean...strungout. It's a bitch of a way to live your life and most just get stuck on the strungout part.
I know everyone makes their own choices but if one of the reasons you're getting high so much is because I have too much time and money to spend on bad things, then yeah, I feel a tiny bit responsible. I mean, if I wasn't buying, you would be at home reading your bible or whatever the fuck you do to keep your brain occupied with un-dope-ish things.
The downside to the solitary existence that I'm suggesting, is that one of these days when I do get carried away, no one is gonna find me for days and ugh, what a fucking mess that will be! It'll make the rotten meat smell from last week seem pleasant by comparison. Unless it happens in the bath or something but...doubtful. I usually only shoot up in the bath when I have someone with me. Otherwise I just do it in the bedroom or at the bathroom counter. Nice! Big, rott-y mucky mess on my bed or slumped in front of the sink. THAT'S a pretty picture. I just bought this fucking bed, too. Blegh.
I suppose I ought to be careful *cough* and practice er...moderation *gag* but this town does not inspire me to do so. It makes me wanna do the stupidest shit imaginable. Like get super wasted. By myself.
Also like fucking around with a fairly sweet guy who I had mentioned months ago but not in detail. He's pretty cool. He's so Goddamned nice to me and where I once thought he was just unaware of my well earned reputation, I find he's fully filled in on the whole, rotten story. He still likes me.
Of course this won't last. Not if I let him have his way and start seeing met and meeting me places for whatever it is people do when they meet for something outside of buying drugs. I don't actually remember what that is but I'm sure it's something very worthwhile. Anyway, as soon as everyone sees him with me, and they will, he is gonna get bombarded with so much well meaning advice that continuing to see me will be a nightmare.
I digress. And I'm done here for now, just another random update that no one was expecting. It's probably the house arrest making me twitchy.
Oh and also: Krokodil pops up in Arizona. Isn't that just fucking awesome? Like there isn't enough bogging my brain down, now I have that to think on? Rad.
Oh yeah, and in case you were wondering...the above photo is where someone jerked off on a close up of my face, on their computer screen. That's riiiiight. Enjoy that like I did. Well...maybe not that much; you guys don't like him like I do *wink*
Monday, September 23, 2013
And just like that...I'm over it. God GOD, I can't even bring myself to read that last post, ugh. What a bucketful of overdone sentimentality! Rebound accomplished, on to the next big thing.
Didn't take me long to remember why it didn't work out the first time, did it? It took...well however long it's been since that happened; a week? Maybe two? Shit, coulda been three days for all I can tell, this Cali heroin has kicked my ASS! I'm told I died 4 times that second night but I think that may be an exaggeration. What is clearly NOT an exaggeration is the fact that my somewhat intoxicated state wrought havoc on my usually non-existent emotions. It seems to have brought forth a spewing stream of...I don't know what to call it but it was and is unacceptable.
I suppose it's what I was feeling at the moment but the moment has passed, friends. Oh fuck me has it passed. I am nowhere near looking for anything other than an occasional distraction and if I was, it wouldn't be one who can barely manage to look after himself. I believe we've been through that before.
I'm also not looking to be on the receiving end of any overly-religious girlfriend action. Ex or otherwise. That part is a bit up in the air, as I'm sure K knows better than to count on me for anything but last I heard it was iffy. Too bad, as I recommend that he run back to her and kiss as much ass as necessary to make sure that she never find out about anything that took place within these debauched walls.
Regina called it my den of iniquity but I think that's over-reaching. It's not like I'm running a gang of opiate addicted child prostitutes, for fuck's sake. It was a few nights of moderately decent er...stuff happening.
Ok look, I can give credit where it's due and he did a uh...bang up job, haha. It was fun and like being kids again but playtime is over. I sent him away yesterday. I was not in the mood for any of it and I'm still not. So I think that means I've progressed past whatever it is that I needed from him. Whether it was validation or simply familiar contact, I can't say. Maybe both.
What I can say is that I need to never-ever get re-involved with someone from my past. EVER. Except maybe the big C but that's a horse of a different color and not likely to happen. Although...he does miss me horribly, even if it did take him a week without me to realize how much. BUT, I will not be going back there, so unless he comes here, that shit is done.
He still thinks I was fucking everyone from Anthony to Ty to G but that's not a story for tonight. Actually...I have no story for tonight. I was just sitting here, wrinkling my nose at the stench coming from my guest room (it smells something like vomit, piss, blood and possibly...shit?) and thinking that I needed to get that bit about K off my chest.
And that I also need to check and make sure someone hasn't died in there, ugh. I'm not loving house-guests right now, not one bit. That room smells like a combination outhouse/slaughterhouse and that's with the door closed. If no one comes out by morning I shall have to investigate...
(pretty sure she's not dead but better safe than stuck with a horrendous Hazmat situation and a lot of explaining to do)
Stay tuned for more calamities from my little corner of paradise,
*Edited* Oh God. I just read it. It is even worse than I thought. If I was the type to delete posts, that thing would be gone so fucking fast it'd be like it never existed! *grumbling* I fucking wish! Oh also...Hieeeeeee Edwin!!! That is all.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Back in Cali, Bitchesssss! Haha, yeah. I did it, I packed my worthless ass up and came home. It never stopped being home, I know that now. I'll get into the 'feelings' bullshit some other time, that aspect of my change of address SO does not interest me right now. What does interest me is how much of an absolute harlot of mass destruction I am. Like for serious!
I've came to realize that somewhere in my convoluted little brain, I have a mis-fire (one of many), that makes me feel entitled to past boyfriends. Like if you've ever been mine, I still have rights to you, even if you currently belong to someone else. Because you were mine first.
I know this doesn't make a lot of sense and I myself wasn't aware of it until I came back. I also know that my sexy ex-y's won't always be amenable to 'reconnecting' and that's fine BUT, if they are...ugh, look the fuck out! Show any sign of weakness and you're done for. At least if I decide I want you in return. Which I might, if the following is any indication. Sigh.
I contacted one of my ex's (K), so that I could do a favor for Eric and it was all over from there. We exchanged a few vague texts and said we'd hang out sometime and I thought that was it. I mean, he'd mentioned his girlfriend so many times that I was like...damn dude, I get it, you're seeing someone. I figured he was just setting some boundaries up front, because lets face it, he has been with me in the past, he knows me. A little too well.
Due to the non-committal tone I was getting from the 'lets hangout soon' I didn't really see it happening. Maybe we'd run into each other downtown sometime but not on purpose. I was wrong. Evidently he only needed a couple days to let the disease that is ME, steep into his system; he called on Wednesday night and asked if he could thru on Thursday. (there's this whole house arrest thing happening that I'll explain later). But the family was gone alllll day, so I was clear for the next 48 hrs.
He didn't mention dope, so I left it alone. He was clean and trying to be good about maintaining, which was why I hadn't pushed him about it. I can always score somewhere else, no big deal. I'm not exactly clean but I can use at my own discretion. I prepared myself for a long day of catching up (meh), and not doing heroin (double meh). He surprised me on both.
When he showed up, he looked good. Healthy but not with that sometimes bloated Methadone look. He wasn't on that anymore either. I opened the door and he looked at me kinda weird, hugged me for a few mins and said he'd missed me. I responded in kind, he hadn't been here long enough for me to decide if I'd missed him or not but saying so might be construed as rude. He smelled nice though...for a big sweaty jerk.
He told me he'd called "Billy" on the way over and he was gonna drop by with something. K wanted to get high, lay in bed and nod out watching movies, like we had in the old days. I was not hating the idea, having had a few more minutes to consider, I decided that I HAD missed him. How much exactly, became relative to the amount of time he was here. By nightfall I'd missed him more than any-goddamn-body I could think of. HOW had I existed all this time without him??? Yeah. Anyway.
We went to smoke and wait for B and apparently the passing of time had an effect on him as well, coz the longer we stood there, the closer he got to me. Until finally he pulled me onto his lap, his arms around me holding me against him and sharing a cigarette. It felt disturbingly familiar and way too comfortable. Then when we got up to go inside, he kissed me. It was very g-rated but still not something his girlfriend would appreciate.
Unfortunately, my concern for his girlfriend was evaporating faster than fuuuuuuck. I basically forgot she even existed...or no, I knew she did, I just stopped caring. A significant part of me was elated by the fact that he would still be into me after all I'd done to him in the past. That I could still make him want me, even though he'd been loving someone else for almost 2 years. Did I mention that this 'significant part' of me is pure concentrated evil? Hmmm, I thought not. Though I'm sure everyone is aware....
So we get the shit, I fix it up and we do our respective shots and I can already see where this is going. We've too easily fallen back into the routine of so many years ago. He finishes, comes over and pulls the needle out of me, licks the blood off and rinses it. And I'm lost, just like that, just like he knew I would be.
The rest of the day/night/next morning was spent getting high and doing shit that no girlfriend EVER deserves to hear about. I didn't fuck him but does that even matter? I did enough. And I knew it was jacked up and I didn't care...coz he was mine first. Until I threw him away. And now I'm not even sure I want him back? I just want to see if I can get him? What in the fuck is my problem!?!
She'd been texting him continuously, like her GF-sense was tingling and when I made some comment about him getting in trouble, he said he didn't care and turned off his phone. For the next 20 hours. That girl had to sit and wonder where the fuck he was for a whole day and night and me? I laughed. I laughed when he said it and I laughed louder when he did it. Because I'm an evil cunt and evidently I need validation from someone who isn't nearly well equipped enough to deal with my brand of crazy. Because although I don't regret leaving Casey (did I mention that? haha), I am just not used to being alone anymore.
By far the most dangerous thing about K is that when we were together, it was good. It was fucked up and fun and we turned every day looking to score, into a game that always ended with some sort of sexual shenanigans once we'd gotten well. It was during a time when we were both so young and stupid that it could be a game and wildly romanticized.
How it ended was entirely my fault, as it usually is. He was too sweet, too affectionate, too complimentary...too in love. I started to feel overwhelmed and like I couldn't possibly live up to what he thought we had. I was too dumb to know that he was in love with me, not the lifestyle we'd immersed ourselves in.
I was also being selfish and Casey was back in the picture. I'd started seeing him as well as K and in one deftly destructive move, I made sure K knew it. This involved letting Casey do some super inappropriate shit to me while K was laying half nodded on the other side of us.
Of course he caught on and of course I said something ridiculous like "I'm sorry babe, I thought you'd be into it *pout* after all, you and Casey? What girl wouldn't want that?" Ugh. I was SUCH a lame cow! It broke his fucking heart and even though he was willing to let it go, I did some other shit that made it impossible.
I feigned various illnesses and eventually dipped out to Europe with my mom. K didn't even know I was back until I sent Ed and Adam over to pick up my records a month and a half later. It was brutal, not well done of me at all. I was told he cried but they could've just said that coz they're assholes and thought it was funny.
Did I also forget to mention that I got him started on H? Yeah, I thought maybe I had. Fuck. He came to me looking for it and I gave it to him, knowing what would happen. I even told him what would happen but like so many people do, he thought he could handle it. We all know how that turns out.
I'd been strungout for a couple years when we split but he was just a baby junky, only having used during the time we'd been together. After that Europe thing he really dove in and has even said that I made him what he is. Or what he was, which is to say, a heroin addict for the last 16 yrs or so. Cool huh? Yay me.
So anyone who knows us in real life will probably realize who I'm talking about, it's a pretty well known story in this town. I wrote about it before and trivialized it, like an asshole. It wasn't real to me anymore, I hadn't seen him in so long. It was just a story.
Fortunately for him, this story has been played out so many times, in such similar ways, that it really only narrows his possible identity to a handful. Yup, I'm an a-fucking-trocious human being. You heard it here first. Or not.
So now I'm at odds with how to proceed. Anna tells me he didn't seem to like his GF too much to begin with, the way he was talking to and about her. I tell Anna that this is irrelevant coz *rolling eyes*...it just is. Peter tells me to take him if I want him and the only problem with that is: I don't know if I should wreck someones life on a whim because I haven't acclimated to being on my own yet.
Becca tells me to have fun and don't get caught. And K? He hasn't said too much but when Anna dared snark at the grope-fest, he said "Oh shut the fuck up, Anna! This is what we do. If she finds out, she knows what to do...fuck her."
So I guess that's it. Fuck her. Somebody should; Coz it looks as if he may be busy with me for awhile...UNLESS. Unless he's wised up and blows me off, as well he should. I deserve it and then some.