Thursday, September 18, 2008

I'm not broken, just marked up a bit

I am feeling oddly introspective this morning. I've been thinking about all the guys I've been involved with and how many of them have been irreparably damaged. I would like to think that they were already fucked to begin with but if I'm being honest then I know that simply isn't true. I do tend to go for the ones that have issues already but that's non exclusive.
I have a few notches on my belt that shouldn't have happened. Guys that were nice, decent human beings whose only mistake was thinking that they could fix me.
Fix me, what a a novel idea. Unrepentant fuck up that I am, any attempted renovations were a dismal failure. I don't know what ever gave them the idea that I was redeemable, it certainly wasn't me. If I don't feel broken why would I let you try and patch me back together?
It was like a weird, reverse rehabilitation, with them ending up damaged rather than me mending my ways. I never set out to destroy them, it just happened......decimation by association.
I don't blame anyone for my bullshit, so I really don't think I'm responsible for their choices but still.......
Maybe if I hadn't stolen their perspective by being myself, they would have held on to some of their boundaries. They should have just stayed the fuck away from me to begin with. Short of having 'Proceed with caution'tattooed on my forehead, I don't know what to do about it. It's not like I try to hide what I am, I'm horrifyingly open about the shit I do. I don't bother trying to lie about it because they would find out eventually. I'm not embarrassed, I am who I am, either you like it, live with it or you don't. Easy as that.
All this second guessing has been brought on by Richie. I can't help but notice that since we met he's progressed from happy pot head to hard-core tweeker out on bail. I think maybe I give off some kind of 'fuck up your life' radiation. Just spend some time in my presence and it will start to mutate your common sense!
Whatever! I never asked him to get me speed, I never asked to be included in his little adventures, I never asked...........
Excuses, excuses, I am the fucking queen of excuses! Give me long enough and I can rationalize or justify anything. Quite a gift I've got!
Fuck it! Bring 'em on, I'll tear every last one down. I laugh about it but it's true. I think it runs in my family. The women in my family outlive the men by a huge margin. I've told Casey that he needs to prepare himself for an early demise. He's going prematurely grey and I have no illusions as to the cause. I know you may not believe this but I can be somewhat hard to handle.
I try to make up for it sometimes but usually don't bother because you knew how I was when you met me. If you don't like it move on. Anyone that can't deal with my shit but sticks around anyway is either a moron or a glutton for punishment.
Casey loves me so he gets a pass. Love makes you stupid anyway, I have done things that go against my basic principals(betcha thought I didn't have any),all in the name of love. I have become love's bitch.
I walk such a fine line between what I think is right and wrong, my life is like one enormous grey area. That line has been stretched, twisted and torn so many times I wonder if it even exists anymore. Oh well, it may be tattered and almost non-existent but as long as I can see it that's all that matters. A girl has to have some standards of measurement for deviant behavior.
I guess what it all comes down to is this: I don't expect anyone to fix me, save me, absolve me or convert me. I am responsible for my own actions or lack therof. Twinges of guilt get through occasionally but that counts for shit. Guilt is a waste of time, it won't un-make bad choices and it will never change the past. People hardly ever learn from their mistakes anyway, they just file them away to be made all over again at a later date. We're stupid that way.
The truth of the matter is if you need saving,I can't do it for you...... you gotta save yourself.