Hooker war stories part 1~ Hey Hey Hey it's The Fat Albert Debacle

Since I am doing my best to be good and stay home, I thought I would amuse you (and myself) by posting some of my "Hooker war stories." These are a few of the unbelievable, funny and just plain gross things that have happened during my career as a dopefiend/dealer/hooker. Some of them happened to me, some to my friends and they are all true!
I think I'll start with "The Fat Albert Debacle" since it was one of the things that Shelley and I were laughing about the other day. It happened to my friend Melissa and I don't think she has ever recovered from it.
This happened when I was living at The Tower Motel, selling dope. It was an insane place, there was always some kinda drama and nonsense going on. A family had moved in two doors down and we had all been speculating on how exactly they fit into that tiny room.
The dad was this ginormous black man, he must of weighed at least 600 lbs and that is a kind estimate! His even larger wife was 600+ if she was a pound. Add to that their four 350lb kids and you can see why we were so fascinated. I still can't figure out how they did it, that room was the size of a small closet!
Anyway, Melissa called one morning and said she was on her way over to get her wake-up, she only had $20 so she was gonna try and catch a date on the way. About 45 minutes later we hear a frantic knocking on the door and it's Melissa. She leaned back against the door trying to catch her breath, she was all sweaty and pale. I thought maybe she got robbed by a trick she looked so traumatized,
She shoved 60$ in my face and said, "I need a shot, NOW!" I weighed out her bag and told her she could fix up right there. She was shaking her head and mumbling to herself and it wasn't until she had done her hit that the story came pouring out.
Apparently she had had no luck on the way over, it wasn't until she was practically at our door that some one flagged her down. It was our large black neighbor. His wife had taken the kids and gone food shopping(surprise) and I guess he wanted some company.
We were already shaking our heads in horror,'Oh God Melissa, what did you....how did you?'
"It was supposed to be a quick blow job" she said in shaky voice, "He wanted me to get naked and suck his dick."
EWWWWW, we were already cringing at the thought of what a penis that had been marinating under 300 lbs of sweaty lard might smell like.
"He took his clothes off too!" *EEEWWWW!* "He was so fucking fat, I couldn't even see his dick!" she took a deep breath, "He wanted me to get up on the bed next to him so he could grope my ass while I did it, I had to lift up his gut and search for his pecker.It smelled like old cheese and dirty feet!"
"Fuck" Frog choked out, "I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit!"
OH MY FUCKING GOD! Casey was just staring at her with a look of sick fascination on his face and me and Frog were simultaneously laughing and trying not to gag.
She gave us all a dirty look and continued, "I was trying to get it over with as fast as possible and then I don't know what happened....one minute I was doing my thing and then the next minute...
"What, what?" Me and Frog called out between giggle/gags(Casey was still frozen in shock)"What happened?"
"He flipped me over on my back,he was trying to 69 me!"
You need to understand that Melissa weighed 110 soaking wet, she was no match for all that blubber.
"I just remember a HUGE black ass coming towards my face and it was like I was a deer in the headlights I couldn't move fast enough and that Fat Albert motherfucker sat on my head!"
Me and Frog were laughing so fucking hard I had tears in my eyes and thought I was gonna piss myself. Casey still had that glazed expression on his face but something that sounded suspiciously like a giggle was coming from his direction and his shoulders were shaking.
Melissa was getting upset, "It's not fucking funny! I couldn't breathe, I swear to Christ I saw my life flash before my eyes!I never saw something so big move so fast, I think it stunned me!"
That was the final straw, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA exploded from Casey's mouth."Fat Albert" he gasped,"Life flashing before eyes...freakishly fast fat man.....hey hey hey HAHAHAHA."
At this point we were all bustin up, even Melissa. She kept trying to look mad but it was too fucking funny. I ended up kicking her a half G so she wouldn't have to go out again for awhile. Everybody who came by that day got treated to a re-telling of her near death experience, which came to be known as "The Fat Albert Debacle."
We amused ourselves all day by wondering what we would have told every one if she had been smothered to death between a pair of massive black buttcheeks, "Hey hey hey man, did you hear about Melissa? She's fuckin dead man, she got taken out by Fat Albert! No I'm not fucking with you, he sat right on her pointy little head and his big ass swallowed it whole, she never had a chance. Yeah, he was a freakishly fast fat man."
Everybody had the same reaction we did and she never heard the end of that Hey Hey Hey shit! I'm laughing right now as I type this.
I was gonna do a few stories this post but I guess I'll save some for later, I might even favor you with a story involving myself, a stubborn vein/shot of smack and a very twisted mayoral candidate. Hasta Luego chicos y chicas, Melody

If you should lose me.........

I did wrong last night but it was fucking AWESOME!It's not what y'all are thinking, I didn't fuck anyone I shouldn't have. What I did was more along the lines of a really juvenile practical joke. It was brilliant!
Yesterday was Casey's birthday and I thought he was gonna be gone til late but he came home around 3pm. I was on the phone with Shelley and we were shooting the shit about funny crap that happens when you're on the street. Between the two of us we could write volumes on the subject.
Anyway, after I got off the phone I went in to see Casey and he had already started in on a fifth of JB. Typical. He gave me a shitty look and muttered "Hooker war stories" and that was that. He has serious issues with my past and HATES any mention of my days on the track. I try not to flaunt it in front of him but fuck it, if I wanna bullshit with my friend about ho-ho-horror stories I will.
Around 8 we got a call from Richie, he was with Eric and Sammi and they had some weed and of course speed. Casey said he didn't care if they came over. I thought it might be a good idea because he kept shooting me those looks like he was gonna start in talking shit anytime. I figured the more people around to take his focus off me the better. Wow was that a mistake!
He outdid himself, really and truly! We smoked some weed and drank some beers, sitting out in the back yard with the stereo on. After about half an hour of ignoring my existence, he starts with the dirty looks, muttering to himself.
Now I'm not a total idiot, I know how he gets so I stayed away from Richie the whole time. I mostly talked to Sammi, we were laughing about some shit that happened to her at a party. I guess this was enough to trigger Casey's anti-hooker switch because next thing I know he's saying I'm the devil and that I sucked cock for money just to spite him.
Everybody got really quiet and I just said, "Yeah, so what's your fuckin point?", If he was trying to embarrass me he failed miserably, I got nothin to hide. then he says "Hah, you admit it then, you did all that hooker shit, just to hurt me. You wanted me to feel like shit, you wanted me to die." Hello, complex much? I think somebody has a guilty conscience. What a drama queen!
Being my smart-ass self I said*dripping with sarcasm*," Yes darling, I went out and sucked strange cock for money just because I wanted to get back at you, it's all about you sweetheart. Every move I make, every breath I take.....it revolves around you. Every time I got into a strange car and put myself at risk all I was thinking was Casey's gonna be so sorry he fucked with me, I'll show him! Are you a fucking moron? Do you seriously believe that it was all some twisted plot to break your heart? Maybe if you could discuss this shit like a rational person instead of slurring half-assed insults like a drunk, mongoloid motherfucker, we could sort this crap out!"
He did what he always does at this point, he broke something. This time it was the pyramid of beer bottle that was against the wall. SMASH, glass everywhere. I walked barefoot though half of it to follow him into the house and try to smooth shit over, it was his birthday after all. In the bedroom things didn't get any better, I distracted him for a little while but sex can only do so much. He was really drunk and just kept saying,' I can't even look at you right now , you were a whore, a WHORE."
Boo Hoo, get over it already, you sound like a broken record!
Usually when this happens, he has zero memory of it the next day, which really pisses me off. He gets off the hook by claiming booze blackout and it's not fair!
Not this time bitch! I left him there to pass out and went back outside. The kids looked really uncomfortable but I told 'em to relax, no big deal. I told them that yeah, it was true, so what! Did they have a problem with it? NO? Alright then, lets move on. I grabbed Sammi and we left the boys in the back yard sweeping up glass.
She helped me dig most of it out of my feet which sucked! Then I told her I needed her help with something. I went in and checked to see if Casey was out. Yup, out like a light, he was laying on his back in the all too familiar Jesus Christ pose. I called Sammi in and started undressing him. She just stood there and said,"Um, what are you doing?"
I reassured her that we were not gonna molest my drunk boyfriend, just teach him a lesson. She still looked a little hesitant but she helped me pull of his pants anyway. We got his boxers off and she was like,"Ahhhh,hmmmm, don't get mad but that is really nice." I told her, "I know, impressive right, I'll let him know you think so, now stop staring at his dick and go get the clippers, razor and shaving cream."
That's right people, I did it. I buzzed all his pubes off and shaved his head, then I bic-ed it! It felt really childish and super amazing. His head he might not care about but the hair on his balls is a different matter. HAHAHAHAHAH. I'm still laughing about it!
I left him in the bedroom and told the kids they should probably go, I didn't want them to get caught in the crossfire when he saw what I'd done.
I slept on the couch and got woken up by Casey yelling "WHAT THE FUCK" and "SON OF A BITCH!"
He was late for work so he barely had time to shower and leave, meaning he didn't have time to do much more than give me a dirty look on his way out the door.
I would be worried that maybe this time he really will beat my ass but it's not likely. He called around midday to tell me he was gonna be in Utah til late and he was trying not to laugh when he brought it up. He said the guys at work were givin him shit because he couldn't stop scratching so he finally told them what I did. I am now a legend in the oilfields. And why not, I'm fucking AWESOME!
Casey really is lucky to have a girl like me, don't ya think?
AAAHHAHA,I love you and you and you, the rest can fuck off! Kisses bitches, Melody. P.S. I still have glass in my feet and it fucking hurts!

The suspense is over

I put up pics of me and Casey, they were taken with a cell phone so the quality is shit and Casey has a line through his head for some reason.I think my fingers were in the way too, fuck it! I can't wait for everyone to tell me that I look like a junky whore. Like I haven't been saying that all along!
I hope everyone likes the view of my yellow bathroom and shower curtain. Three guesses as to what I was doing in there. Do I look sleepy?
I will put up a pic of Richie as soon as I get one, probably tomorrow . I am going to hunt down that little shit and get things straight. Casey is working tomorrow so it will be a perfect time. Enjoy and I look forward to some brilliantly scathing comments. Don't disappoint me.

And the Oscar goes to...

I have to say that having just read k1tten's latest post has prompted me to tell y'all a bit more about what I do all day, besides being fabulous and perfect ect.
I'm sure if any of you have read my previous posts you know that I am currently a phone slut. This has been my means of earning the almighty dollar since I got to NM. Sex is definitely something I'm familiar with and I have been doing phone sex for years and years. It really came in handy when I was slinging Dope and wanted to make some extra cash. I could stay at home all day and move bags while at the same time working . It also amused the hell out of my customers. It was not unusual to have me answer the door, phone to my ear in the middle of some hot and heavy call.
My favorite memory of this is when I had a four hour call with some guy who wanted me to pretend I was his wife. She had left him for a black guy and he got her all stuck on crack and turned her out on the streets. I guess he had her ho-ing in the same parking lot where she worked. She would be out there on her lunch break sucking off co-workers.
Anyway, this guy would get all carried away, asking me to tell him how much bigger and better black cock was and that I would do anything and anyone to keep getting it. Then he would start in about the drugs, going so far as to tell me that he was going to take me to San Fran and give me to the fiends at some random drug house, letting them shoot me up with H and fuck me on a dirty mattress, covered with used needles. I had to go on about how much I loved it and say that I didn't care if I got HIV, just don't stop.
It was at this point that my friend Jody came over to cop and sat for awhile, listening to me as he fixed. I was saying, "Oh, oh it feels so good. I looove having you watch while they use me. I can feel the needles jabbing me as they fuck me and it hurts but I like it." Jody smirked and then laughed outright, and said, " Fuck Melody I didn't know that was you I brought home last night, next time I'll clean up a little."
Well the guy heard that and I had to improvise and say that it was my black pimp boyfriend, come to inform me that he had guys waiting for me and their dicks weren't gonna suck themselves. He fucking loved it, he got so turned on that after all those hours, just a few minutes of Jody's voice in the background got him off. I would have been pissed about losing out on more money but after four hours, I was more than ready to hang up.
Selling and working the phone could sometimes be a challenge. That house was fucking insane! There was so much traffic at all hours that when we got raided, the cops told us that we were like a 24 hour McDonald's, we had drive through service (we used to sell out the window too) day and night.
Aside from shredding the place, they also confiscated my work logs and had a great time interrogating me about them. My log was a huge notebook that had lists of names, with the date, # of minutes I talked, how much cash I made and what they were into. Those stupid fucking cops thought that it was a kind of record book detailing my Dope sales. Unbelievable.
When I finally convinced them that it was work related, they had a great time going through it and laughing at all the weird shit the guys were into. Glad I could entertain the BPD as they trashed my house.
I get supreme satisfaction from the fact that we were able to flush all the dope when we heard them ram the door, so all they found was a bunch of riggs and shit like that. They were not happy to let us off with alot of piddling paraphernalia citations.
Anyway, I am getting off track here. My life has changed quite a bit since then but the phone biz always stays the same. I get a variety of calls for 5 hours a day, 5 days a week. I can expect to be anything from a horny housewife to a barely legal slut. I get to do calls where I can be a super cunt dominatrix and make guys suck cock and dress them in panties before I fuck them in the ass with a strap-on.
I also get calls where they want me to shit all over them and watch while they eat it, drink my piss, eat their own shit ect. Those are probably my least favorite, 'cause as twisted as I am sexually, I just can't get into turd entrees.
Regardless, I can talk about anything and when I get the occasional guy who wants me to suck off a dog or something I can even make that sound believable. I guess being shameless is an asset when it comes to kinky phone sex.
I've even gotten calls from a guy who wants me to act like I'm smoking rock in between tricks. He likes me to make the sounds like I'm sucking on a pipe. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that I am able to pull that one off no problem. "Please daddy, let me have the push."
So, when I'm not here, relating my superbly clever anecdotes, I am most likely on the phone engaging in some sort of lewd act.
I have to say that I love my job, turd lovers notwithstanding. I make crazy money bullshitting all day. That is something I can appreciate, any aspect of the hustle always appeals to me. Hell I'm not a whore, I'm a telecoms specialist.....
Love from your barely legal, horny, cunt dominatrix housewife, Melody

Different name same game

So I have been a phone hooker off and on for years. I always fell back on it cause it was a pretty easy job to do even loaded out of my mind. And even better, if I was dope sick I could fuck off and not answer till I felt like it (copped and fixed).
This is somewhat different from being an actual prostitute, as anyone who has ever had to suck a dick while dope sick can testify.
Tip: tricks hate getting puked on and may become violent.
Anyway, as much as I loved being able to lay around getting high all day, it just didn't offer the same job satisfaction as ho-ing. Mainly the instant (or almost instant) gratification.
There is nothing like starting the day with nothing but a shitty wake-up and ending it a few hours later with drugs and cash in hand. Talk about positive re-enforcement. To a junky, knowing that you can make enough money in one day to stay fucked up for two is irresistible. I know, everyone always asks the same thing, "What about self-respect? Don't you have any?"
Check it out, I got it by the truck load, I just don't see what I did as anything to be ashamed of. I took care of myself . I didn't have to rely on anyone but me. My family didn't have to shoulder the burden of my addiction. I made enough to look after me and some of my friends if they were hurtin'.
If fucking for money was not the greatest experience that's what auto-pilot is for ( anyone who ever worked the streets knows what I mean by auto-pilot). I was self sufficient and didn't rip people off to get that way. That is alot more than I can say for most of the other Dope fiends I know.
I'm proud of the fact that I can say I was able to maintain and help out the people that matter to me and although I may have some regrets, maybe wish some things had turned out differently, I am not ashamed of anything I have ever done.
That said I am no longer a street ho. If anyone has read my previous posts then you know it's not from some misguided sense of rightness that I quit but rather a change of location and the fact that my boyfriend C. is one UPTIGHT! motherfucker. He can't even see a hooker in a movie without getting a shitty look on his face. You can definitely say that he has issues with my past profession. He was a smack head too but I never turned tricks while we were together (only after he left :). Anyway he has a huge attitude about the whole thing.
I always defend myself by saying that at least when I was fucking around it was for money not fun as opposed to when he was fucking around it was just to get his dick wet. Sufficed to say he is not impressed by my reasoning. This is all really a moot point seeing as how I am no longer strung out and don't plan to return to Cali anytime soon (unfortunately). There really is no chance of me going back to ho-ing (not really anyway). I love C., the asshole and want to keep things good between us and if that means staying in this shit town and being sober so be it.
However I do think it is rather funny that C. seems to have no problem with me going back to phone-bone. I mean come on that's cutting it a little thin isn't it? I still talk to strangers about performing sexual acts and I still get paid for it. I guess it's all in the way you look at it. To me it's all part of the same trade, the "SEX" trade.
But I suppose if being able to call me a telecommunications specialist instead of a whore makes him happy, who am I to criticize. Street ho, phone ho, telecoms specialist I can see the natural progression. As I always said. "It's a fine line but if I can see it that's all that matters."
I told my friend Patty that now I suck dick over the phone instead of in person. Being a former ho herself, she thought this was hilarious. M.