Since I am doing my best to be good and stay home, I thought I would amuse you (and myself) by posting some of my "Hooker war stories." These are a few of the unbelievable, funny and just plain gross things that have happened during my career as a dopefiend/dealer/hooker. Some of them happened to me, some to my friends and they are all true!
I think I'll start with "The Fat Albert Debacle" since it was one of the things that Shelley and I were laughing about the other day. It happened to my friend Melissa and I don't think she has ever recovered from it.
This happened when I was living at The Tower Motel, selling dope. It was an insane place, there was always some kinda drama and nonsense going on. A family had moved in two doors down and we had all been speculating on how exactly they fit into that tiny room.
The dad was this ginormous black man, he must of weighed at least 600 lbs and that is a kind estimate! His even larger wife was 600+ if she was a pound. Add to that their four 350lb kids and you can see why we were so fascinated. I still can't figure out how they did it, that room was the size of a small closet!
Anyway, Melissa called one morning and said she was on her way over to get her wake-up, she only had $20 so she was gonna try and catch a date on the way. About 45 minutes later we hear a frantic knocking on the door and it's Melissa. She leaned back against the door trying to catch her breath, she was all sweaty and pale. I thought maybe she got robbed by a trick she looked so traumatized,
She shoved 60$ in my face and said, "I need a shot, NOW!" I weighed out her bag and told her she could fix up right there. She was shaking her head and mumbling to herself and it wasn't until she had done her hit that the story came pouring out.
Apparently she had had no luck on the way over, it wasn't until she was practically at our door that some one flagged her down. It was our large black neighbor. His wife had taken the kids and gone food shopping(surprise) and I guess he wanted some company.
We were already shaking our heads in horror,'Oh God Melissa, what did you....how did you?'
"It was supposed to be a quick blow job" she said in shaky voice, "He wanted me to get naked and suck his dick."
EWWWWW, we were already cringing at the thought of what a penis that had been marinating under 300 lbs of sweaty lard might smell like.
"He took his clothes off too!" *EEEWWWW!* "He was so fucking fat, I couldn't even see his dick!" she took a deep breath, "He wanted me to get up on the bed next to him so he could grope my ass while I did it, I had to lift up his gut and search for his pecker.It smelled like old cheese and dirty feet!"
"Fuck" Frog choked out, "I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit!"
OH MY FUCKING GOD! Casey was just staring at her with a look of sick fascination on his face and me and Frog were simultaneously laughing and trying not to gag.
She gave us all a dirty look and continued, "I was trying to get it over with as fast as possible and then I don't know what happened....one minute I was doing my thing and then the next minute...
"What, what?" Me and Frog called out between giggle/gags(Casey was still frozen in shock)"What happened?"
"He flipped me over on my back,he was trying to 69 me!"
You need to understand that Melissa weighed 110 soaking wet, she was no match for all that blubber.
"I just remember a HUGE black ass coming towards my face and it was like I was a deer in the headlights I couldn't move fast enough and that Fat Albert motherfucker sat on my head!"
Me and Frog were laughing so fucking hard I had tears in my eyes and thought I was gonna piss myself. Casey still had that glazed expression on his face but something that sounded suspiciously like a giggle was coming from his direction and his shoulders were shaking.
Melissa was getting upset, "It's not fucking funny! I couldn't breathe, I swear to Christ I saw my life flash before my eyes!I never saw something so big move so fast, I think it stunned me!"
That was the final straw, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA exploded from Casey's mouth."Fat Albert" he gasped,"Life flashing before eyes...freakishly fast fat man.....hey hey hey HAHAHAHA."
At this point we were all bustin up, even Melissa. She kept trying to look mad but it was too fucking funny. I ended up kicking her a half G so she wouldn't have to go out again for awhile. Everybody who came by that day got treated to a re-telling of her near death experience, which came to be known as "The Fat Albert Debacle."
We amused ourselves all day by wondering what we would have told every one if she had been smothered to death between a pair of massive black buttcheeks, "Hey hey hey man, did you hear about Melissa? She's fuckin dead man, she got taken out by Fat Albert! No I'm not fucking with you, he sat right on her pointy little head and his big ass swallowed it whole, she never had a chance. Yeah, he was a freakishly fast fat man."
Everybody had the same reaction we did and she never heard the end of that Hey Hey Hey shit! I'm laughing right now as I type this.
I was gonna do a few stories this post but I guess I'll save some for later, I might even favor you with a story involving myself, a stubborn vein/shot of smack and a very twisted mayoral candidate. Hasta Luego chicos y chicas, Melody
