Thursday, July 17, 2008

I will be my own downfall.....

Just as I predicted It's Thursday an lo and behold I feel better. I get to start the cycle all over again tomorrow and I can't wait! Determined little junky ain't I?
I'm sure you've noticed me going on a Casey bashing spree the last couple of days and I am feeling repentant. It's not to say that he didn't do all the shit I bitched about, he most definitely did. I just don't want people thinking that I am shacked up with an insufferable cry baby asshole. My latest bout of Dope sick lite armed me with a short temper and a sharp tongue. I must be feeling marvelous, I usually don't explain myself or apologize, as I am never wrong. I hope this is all temporary, people will start to think I've changed. Can't have that!
I saw Richie today. It was a case of wrong place at the right time. I have been trying really hard not to think about him and keep it in my pants. I don't really want to fuck him....... Well not too bad anyway. I think it's just that he reminds me of being that age and not giving a fuck about anything . I miss being able to live for the moment and not worry about tomorrow. I'm not that old but it's like I feel age creeping up on me faster and faster. Before I know It I'll be 30 then 40. I don't hold out much hope for 50 'cause all the damage I've done to myself is gonna catch up to me sooner than later. I think I'm OK with that. I have no worries about death. I am who I am and nothing is gonna change that. If I go to Hell Oh well by that time it will be too late to cry over anyway.
I am not the most religious person but I have my own relationship with God. Alot of people disagree with me but I don't think that God sweats the small stuff. I am fucking myself up, I'm not a murderer or a child molester (although some people think that me selling was akin to murder). I don't think God is that petty and if he is well fuck it all anyway.
Back to Richie. I think he must either live close by or be fucking someone who does because this is the second time I've seen him and he acted genuinely surprised to see me. It would be flattering to think that he tracked me down but I really don't think so.
Fuck! He is soooo irresistible! I can't, I can't, I can't! He is a 19yr old baby and I am 25 going on ancient(in street years). He was walking down the street when I was getting ready to go to the store to get some smokes. I tried to hurry up and get in the truck, really I did, he just happened to see me and came running over. I couldn't be rude could I? Not me.
He was leaning in the window smiling that smile of his and looking so edible, all tousled and bedroom eyed. The boy is walking, talking sex. I need to get a hold of myself (not like that) even now I'm having a Richie flashback and it is a powerful thing!
I had to remind myself that giving into his charm would be a colossal mistake. I asked him if he needed a ride. Of course he accepted, not one to let opportunity pass him by. I told him I was going to the store first and then would take him where he needed to go. When I came out of the store, he further impressed me by pulling out Bad Religions 80-85 CD. Since it is quite possibly my favorite Bad Religion album ever that scored some points.
I started driving, with Richie giving directions, the both of us rockin out to BR. It took me a minute to realize that we were back on my street headed towards my house. "I thought you needed a ride" I said to him as I came to a stop in front of my hacienda. "I did, we're here" he said jumping out of the truck and coming around to my door. Little fucker!
I think he really expected me to just drag him inside and drop my drawers. It was tempting. I kinda laughed and reached out and slapped him lightly on the face a couple of times, "Nice try Junior." I turned and walked to the door. I heard him call out,"I'll see you soon, I know where you live now." Stubborn horny teenager.
His persistence is not making things any easier on me. I want to give in even as I know what a stupid move that would be. Stupid on so many levels but we know how things usually turn out when I am faced with a good vs bad situation. Maybe I should just tell him what a hot mess I am (according to other people) then maybe he would lose interest. Heroin addiction and a past as a hooker don't usually inspire admiration in normal people (thanks be to God that I am far from normal) no matter how cute I am. I guess time will tell with Richie, maybe it won't matter, who knows.
I do not need a kid sniffing around me right now; or ever for that matter! If Casey gets wind of it there will be hell to pay. Not for me really but I have no desire to see Casey in jail for assault. Equally strong is the desire to make sure Richie's cute face stays just as it is...intact.
I need to give this some more thought, after all I do have a reputation for decimating most guys who come within a mile of me (yep, the black widow strikes again). Almost all of them end up strung out and fucked up. I can't understand why ;}
I always thought I should have been called the black plague seeing as how an firece epidemic of junk use followed me every where but that's the funny thing about nicknames, you don't get to choose 'em. If you do choose your own nickname chances are you are a humongous tool.
Anyway that's my little drama for now. Melody