I guess I'm in a good mood. I actually made contact with a couple of my friends from home. Jerry and Clay. Clay is up to the same old shit (surprise) and says everyone misses me. I suppose I like that sentiment even though I'm pretty sure the only time they give me a second thought is when my name comes up at the odd moment. It's not a slur against them as friends or anything it's just that drug addicts generally have other things on their mind. I told Clay to have Drew get a hold of me which would be nice.
Jerry got out of Bako and went back to L.A. at the end of last year. He is clean and on tour with his band and got a hold of me from someplace called Roswell in VA. He's Lora's ex and he hasn't heard from her since he left town. That worries me. Her and Jerry are pretty much like me and Casey, they get together, split up, say hateful things, say I love you, get back together ect. You get the idea. I don't like the fact that it has been so long since he heard from her 'cause he is her one true love and she can't stay away from him. Period!
If she hasn't called him then things are probably bad with her, meaning too much smack, way too much crack and probably a few other things too. She was one of my closest girlfriends for the last couple of years and I miss her.
I have been having these crazy dreams about my friend Sara. She died last summer from hep C. We had been best friends since Jr high, doing guys, drugs and misc, other things together for as long as I can remember. She was there when I did my first line of speed, my first shot of black, my first hit of crack even. We did so much together.
We had our moments like when her boyfriend tried relentlessly to get me in bed when she was pregnant(Not my proudest moment) or when she set my runner up to get robbed for a measly gram. Hey junkies will be junkies I guess.
We were estranged after the attempted robbery incident and it lasted for about 2 years. She called me out of the blue last year and I stared hanging out with her again. This was right after Casey left so I had plenty of time to fuck around. We got high, hung out did girl shit. It was nice to have my friend back
Then I went on a self-destructive bender and lost contact with her, I was too busy hitting the track every day in every way. One day when I was at my G-ma's house for a mini-vacation our old friend Rebecca called me an told me Sara died. I don't think it ever really sunk in. I remember making all the appropriate noises and then getting off the phone cause I was gonna go cop. I just remember thinking that she was too young to be dead from that shit. Out of all of us that came up together, got strung out together, Sara was the one who finally got her shit straight. She had a house, an income, she only used once in a great while. It seemed really unfair to me that she should be dead while I was still very alive and pretty much useless to myself and everyone around me.
Anyway, I have been having these dreams with her in them. It's so fucked up because in the dream I'm talking to her and doing whatever but the whole time I'm thinking what the fuck man, you died! It might sound funny but the only thing that has kept me from bringing that up (in my dreams) is that I'm afraid of what she'll say. It's like I don't want her to confirm it.
I can't even begin to understand what that means. I'm sure my shrink will tell me It's past guilt in my subconscious manifesting itself through my dreams.
If I had to hazard a guess I would say It's just me missing my friend. I do miss her alot.....
