I am in a difficult spot. Having just received HUGE amount in back pay from Cali and New Mexico, I am at a loss. For those of you that didn't know, I don't just think I'm crazy, I get paid for it. I don't quite know how to explain it except to say that the original claim resulted from an incident that happened while I was in jail.
It involved a food tray and the face of a particularly unsympathetic bunkie. Indifference to my misery I can handle but please don't lecture me when I feel like I could easily cut my own throat. If I have no issues about shanking myself, where does that leave a self righteous cell mate with a big mouth. With a tray upside her fat head, that's where! The county Phsych actually sent in my SSI app for me, wasn't that nice? So now I get an ass-load of back pay. Far be it for me to go against the dictates of the federal govmnt. Sure I'm crazy, you can send my check to.....
Anyway, I know what I would like to do with all that money. If left to my own devices, I would undoubtedly spend it all on Dope and other equally frivolous purchases. It is killing me not to do so! I could go back to Cali and set myself up for a good long while. I figure it would be at least a few months before the cops realize their favorite junky ho is back in town. I could go see all the people I miss and show them a hell of a good time in the process. I could keep my friend Lora off the streets for a few months. All admirable choices.
Even now I am thinking all kinds of naughty thoughts. I could stay here and invest in a HUGE amount of Dope from my 'friend' and get good and strung out. This backwards town has no methadone clinics, so I could look forward to a helacious kick after the three weeks or so it took me to burn through all that money. I want to sooo bad.
I want to but I won't. I have been giving more thought to the fact that my family was so sure I would leave here soon after I arrived, staying just long enough to re-ruin Casey's life and come home. I have always wondered how it is that I get the credit for his H problem when his step brother had him handing over his milk money for smack when he was like 13. He was well immersed in his own junky mess long before I stumbled into it.
Anyway, I have decided that among other things I don't want to prove them right yet again. They think they know me sooo fucking well.
I may a somewhat self-absorbed cunt but I can still put the needs of other people before mine. I know that any one of those scenarios is a bad idea. I have to fight the pull! I know that if I leave, he will drink 20 times more than usual and probably end up splattered on the road somewhere. If I let my self get fully strung out he will follow along in my Heroin soaked wake and fuck everything off. AARGH! I fucking hate conflict or should I say I hate being conflicted.
It is sooo easy to fuck myself off but when faced with the impending doom of my boyfriend I am hesitant. What the fuck!
I wonder if being mostly sober for this long hasn't affected my thought process . I am not used to doing anything that even resembles the right thing when it comes to money or Dope.Things were so much easier when we were both strung-out. There would be no question as to where the money would go. It would soon be lining the pockets of whichever Hispanic gentleman happened to have the best shit.
Being semi-responsible is hard! I don't think I like it. I can handle working and all of that other shit that goes along with being normal. I can even accept the fact that I am supposed to function as some kind of domestic drudge, cleaning up after Casey. I loath it but I can hang.
What I am having trouble with is not letting my Heroin lust run wild. It feel sooo wrong to hold back when I know giving in would feel sooo right. For awhile anyway.