Friday, July 11, 2008

I like my roots just the way they are, dark and exposed

So I went to my bi-monthly psych appointment yesterday and it was a fucking waste of time, as usual. My Doctor is a condescending cunt! She never listens to anything I say, always just nods and says "uh huh" before asking another of her asinine questions. On this last visit she wanted to try and expose my root. My root? Oh for fuck sake, the only roots I have to expose are on my head.
There is no hidden tragedy to blame for my mistakes. I refuse to believe that there is some repressed memory that is responsible for who I am. Don't get me wrong, I have had my share of shitty experiences but I am not a sob sister!. So I had an overly affectionate step dad, so what, me and a million other girls. It's over, done with. I see no purpose in torturing myself over something that I had no control over.
Abusive boyfriends, check. Rape/sexual/mental abuse, check. And your point is? Everything but the step dad incident happened after I started using drugs. I don't think I know one girl (especially girls that ho and use) who has not had a rape or ass-kicking experience. Even girls that don't use or hustle have this shit happen to them.
I feel for the girls who can't get past what happened to them but that is not me. I have no issues with it. I can't change it, I can't forget it but I refuse to dwell on it. I can talk about it without getting all weepy and alot of times I find some of it funny.
For example I can thank my high school boyfriend Grant for kicking my ass regularly. Because of him I am fearless when it comes to throwing down with mouthy bitches, after having a huge guy beat on you like you were a man what the fuck is some girl gonna do to me?
As for getting raped, like I said I would be hard pressed to find a single girl who hasn't suffered the same. It's just one of those things. Deal with it, I have.
All of that shit is irrelevant when it comes to who I am unless you consider the fact that it made me smarter and tougher when dealing with certain situations. I have never sat down and done something destructive just because I couldn't get over the fact that some asshole guy did something fucked up to me. I don't need a reason to run wild and get loaded, I do it cause I like it and it feels oh-so-right.
The exception to that is when I got fucked up to try and forget about Casey. I don't think that counts because it was not the result of some kind of abuse or drama, it was the result of my inability to give up all my bullshit and grow up. My fault not his.
So I think if it were not for the fact that I am required to see the bitch-whore psychiatrist, I would have quit going a long time ago. I can analyse myself just fine. I'm fucking crazy, surprise! So what, learn to love it, I have.
Krazy Kisses Bitches, Melody Lee