I feel like shit! I am totally incapable of sitting still or concentrating on anything for more than a few minutes. I have been bouncing from computer to TV to book to cigarette to AARGH. Out of all the symptoms involved in my mini withdrawal, I hate that the most, the inability to sit still. Also that gross feeling I get on the back of my neck. It feels all sweaty and clammy and it fucking drives me nuts. On the rare occasion that I have been able to fall asleep when I feel this way, the neck sweats have been able to wake me time and time again. Oh and that scratchy feeling in the back of my throat that makes me want to cough and puke every time I smoke. Did I mention the fact that I feel like I have to pee every ten minutes whether I really need to go or not? I guess there's more on my little list than I previously thought. Fuck it.
I am if nothing else a glutton for punishment, especially where Heroin is involved. Even as I sit here feeling like hell I am still thinking about this weekend. I will get my next delivery just as I am starting to feel normal and do it all over again.Silly silly girl.
This is not the first time I have done this. I used to go for months at a time, trying to clean up and wavering back and forth. One of my connects asked me about it once, why he would only see me once a week or so. It was unusual when I would normally be copping up to 5 times a day. He thought I was going elsewhere. I told him not to worry, I was trying to clean up but only lasting for about 5 days before I broke down and got some more. I was staying clean just long enough to get over the worst of the kick just to go out and acquire a habit all over again. After only five days all it takes is one good shot and you're back where you started.
The only times I have ever been able to really truly kick, I was in jail. I don't count the times I went on methadone cause it really doesn't hurt at all after you get your dose right, maybe a couple of days at the most. However I have noticed that no matter how high my dose was I was always able to make myself sick just thinking about dope and how bad I wanted to do it. I would get cold sweats and nasty chills and tell myself that I was fucking retarded cause on 160 mlgs of methadone being sick was pretty much impossible. My fucked up head! It never ceases to amaze me.
Casey has it worse as he has to go out into the oilfield feeling like this. He does have it all over me in some regards though. for instance even when we had crazy insane H habits he could always force himself to go to sleep, no matter how sick he was. It's not fucking natural I tell you! Even if he was kicking his legs and tossing and turning, he would still be asleep. Bastard! Alot of times I would wake him up just cause I was pissed that he could ignore all the shitty feelings while I was condemned to toss and sweat and twitch for days on end. When we did do the "We're gonna kick and be normal people" bullshit, it only lasted a few days cause after about 4 or 5 I was so fucking tired that all I wanted was a shot so I could get some sleep.My reasoning was that I would just do enough to take the edge off and then go right back to kicking. Right. Even then I knew how full of holes that plan was, I just didn't care. When you're Dope fiends and in some kind of relationship together it is almost impossible to kick. You feed off each other and even though you might have good intentions at the beginning, by the time you both feel like shit all it takes is a quiet suggestion and off you go to the Dope man.
I'm sure you've figured out by now that I am no exactly the quiet suggestion type. I would either stand up and announce that I had had enough and was going to cop or I would just go cop and tell him after the fact, when I had a shot waiting for him. After all the fucker was most likely asleep so he wouldn't realize I was gone til it was too late anyway.
Not the best situation to clean up in. I have finally figured out that all those time I tried to clean up, I was doing it because it was expected of me. Someone, Casey, my family wanted me to quit.So, being not completely hard headed , I tried. But somewhere along the way I decided that I don't think Heroin is my problem. I am my problem and there's no getting away from me. Heroin is something I do because it feels good and for a moment it makes everything in my head go quiet. I don't have to think about anything all I have to do is sit back and feel. I love that!
I am not trying to escape my problems, cause aside from being seriously fucked in the head I don't have any. Right now, I am content. Maybe not happy but I never asked for happy, I am satisfied with content. I am content to be what I am. Not a bad deal. I don't feel bad about what I do, cause I don't see it as the colossal no no people perceive it as. So I like to shoot smack, so fucking what, don't you have something more important to bitch about. My friend Melissa had a button that read, "Who needs life? I'm high on Dope." I think that about sums it up.
