Moving on; I'm detoxing and I don't really feel like doing this but I guess it's time. Is this what they call suffering for your (un-) 'art'? I'm going with yes. So I'll continue by saying that I've proven once again (YES AGAIN), how inconstant I am. In some noble attempt to save someone from himself, I have removed my *MY-self from the equation. What an exceptional thing for me to do; I'm SUCH a good person. (Shut up). For my next trick...
Anyway, yeah that happened but I'm sure that further down the line he will be ecstatic to have dodged the bullet that is Melody Lee. I will fuck your shit up proper if you let me, it's what I do. Whether it's intentional or not depends on the situation but it's invariably what happens. Ask around...take a poll...whatever makes you feel better.
I can be a lot of fun but totally not worth it. The best you can hope for is that maybe I gave you some good shit to remember along with the bad stuff I assured you was a great idea. I'm not Devil's advocate; I'm the Devil. And there's A LOT of bad shit that I fully endorse. It's a helluva list...
I said I would make them hate me and damned if it's not headed that way. It's for the best, really. I'm not something you hang on to for long, keeping me close will make you crazy or kill you. Or make you crazily want to kill yourself. Mmhmm.
Adrian had to take a nice, long 'rest' in a booby-hatch because of what went down. How much was actually me and how much was a semi-serious case of meth psychosis, is up for debate but when asked, he lay the blame squarely at my door. So there ya go. I drive people to erm...distraction (bug. nuts.) Make like Op-Ivy and Take Warning: this product is known to cause confusion, depression, mania, obsession, drunkenness, delusions, self doubt, paranoia, stalking, nightmares, nocturnal emissions and is NOW rumored to make you certifiable. Yes that's right, insane.
But aside from that, I'm a totally awesome person! Hahaha, I swear to Jesus, why don't people ever learn? It should be fairly easy to do, as it's outlined in my basic intro. Spend more than a few days around me and I'll tell you how it's gonna go. ( Hint: Not well, dumb-ass!).
I suppose that's the main issue, that I seem to have no problem attracting people. I don't know...I just. don't. know. It truly makes one fear for the future of the species, how obtuse a human being can be. Someone told me the other day that I have a weird, self destructive charisma (LAME!) and I dunno about that, I just know I'm best avoided.
Hmm... what I could've done with that kind of magnetism, had I the motivation to fully abuse it. If it were true, I mean. Which it *might be...to an extent. I rather think that it's just a super refined form of manipulation that I secrete like a pheromone. It's become completely involuntary at this point in my life. I'm thinking it must've developed quite early which means I'm not rotten, I'm just hyper-evolved. Just let that sink in for moment, hahaha.
Fuck. This is a sad, sorry update and I'm sure it's not the kind of juicy bullshit y'all were hoping for but I'll get to that. I have a strange, skin-crawly feeling that I will be posting quite a bit of garbage for the next few days. But you know, sometimes I'm a liar...
It's been...like some seriously fucked up shit on a day to day basis. There's a lot of new people in my life and some of the old ones too. Even been hangin' out with a bitch, if you can believe that! They usually don't care for me and the feeling is mutual (hookers!), but we get along pretty well and she's down for whatever, which is always nice. I'm thinking we'll find some shit to get into today but that's tentative. We'll see...
Adrian is in AZ visiting his momma, so he's been leaving me alone for a minute. He seems improved but he was always good at hiding his bullshit until it's vibrating somewhere between Phil Specter and Gary Ridgeway. Then he just explodes with that tiresome angst of his and I have to distance myself. I'm just not built to deal with that kinda drama.
I am not very sympathetic; I know I come off as a caring, nurturing type but no. I'm entirely too selfish and easily annoyed to give a fuck about his issues, even if they are partially my fault. I mean, they say it's my fault but I'm not truly convinced...it just sounds like a cop out. Don't be so fucking weak, dude. Yeah, that sounds shitty; whatever.
You know, all these years people have been telling me that I act and think like a dude and I finally realized that's not exactly it. I'm just callous and dis-associated from emotions that don't effect me directly i.e. not mine. I really only care when it's me, other people's problems become a drag after about 2 minutes and that's a generous estimate. If saying that makes me some offshoot of a sociopath, so be it.
Alright, maybe the above is an oversimplification of the problem but it's about 99% accurate. I DO care, on occasion but over the years, most of my 'give a fuck' has been wrung out of me and I'm just over it. People are a bunch of whining, soul sucking twats. I know this for a fact.
Sometimes I think it must be retribution for something I've done...can't imagine what that would be though.
I know this is getting to be broken record status, but I really need to get the fuck out of New Mexico. I'm not sure where I want to go anymore, I've been away from Cali for so long, I'm almost afraid to go back. Des wants to move us to Espanola but I told her we'd be dead in a month. THAT is also a generous estimate.
I'm so tired of Casey and his constant drunken martyr act that for the first time in years, I'm seriously considering moving on. Either you want me or you don't, make up your pickled mind. You can't tell me to leave one minute and then act like you never said it the next. I KNOW what's wrong with me, I don't require a verbal reminder every time you over-imbibe, YOU FUCKING TOOL. Ugh! I cannot abide a drunkard! It's such an...undignified vice. At my worst I can still vocalize what it is I need to get across, not slur my words like a half a goddamned re-tard. Once I wake up, that is. Just not my kind of substance, I guess.
I'm losing momentum here. I just had a 30 minute extreme incest call that kinda put me off anything but taking a long fucking shower, blech! No worries, I'll post this and be back ranting about something else before you know it. I PROMISE.
M.L.
