I'm tired...I'm awake and I'm not geeked. My head won't shut off, I keep running over shit in my mind, thing I haven't thought about for years. People, places, it's like a soup in my brain. They're all jumbled together and every once in a while I manage to fish something out. Usually it's good, a night out with my friends, a good show, a prodigious score. Sometimes it's bad but having the selective memory that afflicts some of us I skim over the bullshit and try to concentrate on the good.
Living in this wasteland even the bad shit can seem preferable to this nothing. I miss the excitement and the uncertainty. That's probably why I go on my little speed adventures, it's a way for me to feel ultra-alive for a few hours. I tell myself that being here with Casey is all that matters and that we have a good life and.....
Sometimes that isn't enough. I do the best I can and try to keep my impulses under control. I'm sure to most of you it seems like I'm walking a tightrope over a fire pit but compared to what I'm used to this is pretty fucking boring.
I really dislike this place.
I hate the fact that Otep is the best band to have played since I've been here. I hate the fact that there is nothing but meth as far as the eye can see and I hate the fact that this mediocrity is going to be the sum total of my universe for an undetermined amount of time. I know this to be true because I won't leave Casey, not without a good reason. Being selfish is not a good reason.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just making a statement.
I got a few phone calls today, one from Adrian (yum), one from Eddie and one from "He who shall not be named." Adrian wanted me to go with him to some dive in Shitrock, Maniac pimped out my phone # and will be dealt with later. As appealing as that sounded, I did the right thing and declined. Eddie called to shoot the shit and also warn me that Josh had gotten drunk and gave my # to "He who sha..... fuck it, it was Gabriel. Lovely.
The headcase that cemented my attraction for boys with fucked up issues and psychotic tendencies. He was batshit insane, beautiful, brilliant and also one of the few guys that truly scared me. Most of the guys I've been with were borderline but Gabe was just plain crazy. I saw him yank a guy out of a truck window and slash his throat with a box cutter. The guy had ripped him off and no he didn't die, Gabe just wanted to put some scare into him...it worked.
It wasn't so much what he did that scared me, it was the fact that there was no hesitation. One minute we were crossing the street and the next he was dragging Jessie out of the car and cutting him up. He didn't think twice and afterwards he walked up to someones yard and used the hose to clean the blood off like nothing had happened.
It was frightening and fascinating and I was young and stupid enough to become enthralled by his craziness. Needless to say, things were interesting between us. I may be reckless but I'm not a simpleton, I curbed my attitude ALOT. I knew that if anyone would be the one to decapitate me and make use of my rotting corpse it would probably be Gabriel. Grant could kick my ass but he would never kill me on purpose and Casey just went out and got into scraps when he wanted to clock me in the mouth. Gabriel could stick a screwdriver in my neck and not bat an eye.
Now you may be wondering what the fuck I was thinking when I decided to date this poisonous creature. I wasn't thinking at all, I was watching the things he did and letting it carry me along. He was pretty magnificent for a homicidal maniac.
Anyway, our short relationship ended when he got caught up for kidnapping,torture and terroristic threats. I think there were some other charges as well but those were the ones that stood out. Basically some idiot tried to rob him and Gabe caught him, tied him to a chair and played with him for a couple weeks. I believe a power drill was involved. Icky! I still wonder who was stupid enough to try and rob him in the first place. I'm also very glad that this happened during one of our separations, I hate to think what would have happened had I refused to join him in the drilling of kneecaps.
So he was off to Corcoran shu. He was put in there for having been NLR even though he was a drop out, he had renounced all that bullshit years before. We kept in contact for a while but then he started to get this idea in his head that I was the root of all his trouble. Funny how that happens. I started getting all these long ass letters and calls which boiled down to me being the reason he was in all this trouble. Yeah, like drilling someones knees and elbows had nothing to do with it! He told me that he had to kill me to save himself and that was about the time I severed all contact with good ol' Gabe.
So here's Josh's punk ass getting drunk and giving him my #! One of the downsides to having all your ex-boyfriends know each other. I'm told that Gabriel made a convincing argument and that he had been on medication and therapy for quite some time. This was later confirmed when I received the call.
He was oh so polite and well mannered, telling me that he no longer had wet dreams about wrapping his hands around my throat and squeezing. Good to know. Then he told me that part of his rehabilitation was apologizing for things he'd done in the past. Apparently a large portion of the people he'd wronged were either dead (Hmmm) or otherwise unavailable. He needed to tell me about all the fucked up shit he did while we were together. Great, just what I want to hear! Is February the come clean month or what?
The things he told me were hideous! The confession detailed a pet massacre the likes of which I hope NEVER to hear again. This fuckwad strangled 2 of my cats, drowned my puppy and shot another of my kittens....all in less than a year! What a fucking asshole! I can't even begin to describe the way hearing those things makes me feel! I feel I'd have been less appalled if it had been actual people, at least a human has some clue as to what is befalling them. All I can think about is what was going through my babies minds when this person they had grown to trust began to hurt them...the confusion they felt....the pain. That shit is unforgivable and it makes me nauseous even as I type this.
As soon as he finished I told him that I hoped he wasn't expecting me to forgive him for these heinous actions and that my fondest wish for the future was for him to get a mop handle broken off in his ass. Then I hung up...then I threw up.
Ugh! What a nightmare. When I get back to Bako this summer I'm going to have Tiny and Dave beat the bejesus out of Josh, I feel that he's earned it. Yes you have you whiny bastard! Aren't you embarrassed to leave those gooey comments? I'm embarrassed for you, it's THAT bad.
I have a counseling appt tomorrow which isn't so bad, my counselor is pretty cool. I finally ditched the bitch-cunt that was my psych and got in with another one. He prescribed me Celexa and Abilify, neither of which sound like fun at all so chances are I won't be taking them. One of them is in the same family as Seroquel so fuck a buncha that shit! I'm not really sure about the other, I'll hafta check with the junky underground and do some research online.
So that's it for now, I have been likened to a 14 yr old (mentally) and I'm not really sure I care. Nope don't care, I do wish that the insults left in my comments were a bit more refined though. It just isn't as effective when you can tell it's coming from some illiterate inbred. I'm being called a loser by someone who probably still lives with their mom and being told to get a real job by someone who spends their workday blog surfing and leaving lame-ass comments. You could choke on the irony.
Love you kids, hope this post doesn't give you creepy dreams. XOXO~ Melody Lee
