Sunday, November 30, 2008

I've got 5 4 3 2 1.......and a fascination with sub-standard porn

(Yeah I know they're not red but they still kick ass!)

So it's no big surprise that I'm at home this weekend, I'm still quarantined. Not really but I may as well be. I'm bored and have been falling back on some of my more eccentric forms of self entertainment. No not that kinda self entertainment pervs!
I've been listening to alot of my old records and CDs. Going back to stuff I haven't heard in years. My taste in music is so weird on any given day I can be listening to The Electric Eels one minute and then switch over to Hank Williams and then maybe some Dusty Springfield capped off with Gwar and Softcell. Today it was Crass and Billy Holiday. My stereo is like the world's most fucked up mix tape.
I've always liked Crass but I never really gave a shit about their politics. I'm the least politically involved person I know. I just don't give a fuck about any of it, I'm selfish and could care less about the state of govmt in this or any other country. I don't care how ignorant it sounds, it's the truth. I've been hearing about drastic shit going down in this country for as long as I can remember and I never really had it affect me one way or the other therefor I don't give a fuck. Yeah yeah I know, every person makes a difference blah blah blah whatever.
Anyway, I was listening to Crass- Penis Envy and was reminded once again that my mind works in weird ways.
For instance when I hear Eve Libertine screeching out Bata Motel, I don't think about the (supposed) ongoing repression and objectification of women.....I think about how rad it would be to put on "My red high heels" and have some guy "Drive me fast and crash me crazy" so I can " Rise from the wreckage as fresh as a daisy" and have him "Strap my ankles,break my heels, make me feel, make me kneel...."
Fucked up right? I have a feeling that this was NOT the message Crass was trying to get across. Oh well, it is what it is....not the first time my thought process has been a lil twisted. HAHA is that ever an understatement!
I'm not really a masochist. What appeals to me in theory would NEVER fly in real life. I've gotten my ass beat enough times to know that it's not as fun as it seems even if sex is eventually involved. Gracias Grant, you ruined my chances for a career as a submissive bondage slut!
As for all that safe-word, controlled S&M shit, that just seems retarded to me. A word that makes everyone stop if it hurts too much, where's the fun in that? No follow through, no commitment!
I'm too bitchy and mean to ever be a true submissive anyway, I would just end up turning the tables and brutalizing some poor B&D dork with strap-on sex toys for wasting my time with his stupid plasti-cuffs, and gay leather hoods!
I'm sure you-all really wanted to know that.........that's why I shared.
Another thing I've been doing is indulging my love of really awful low-quality amateur porn. I don't watch it to get off, oh no,no,no! I watch it because it is sooooo bad and soooo ridiculous that it's funny as hell and I can laugh for hours. As far as I'm concerned there are few things better than watching some amateur wannabe pornstar try and look hot while some hairy, fat-assed douchebag is trying drive his penis through the back of her head! Priceless! It's my version of America's funniest home videos and way more entertaining than watching a toddler kick his dad in the nads for the million-th time.
I saw one last night that had me pissing my pants it was so funny. This Paris Hilton look-a-like was giving what may possibly have been the worlds worst blowjob and believe me, I am more than qualified to judge. *snigger*
She was trying hard to look sexy but you could tell that she was so not into it. The guy had a HUGE cock and he kept shoving her head down onto it. She did her best to keep this from happening by wrapping her hands around it but he was relentless. The end result was her with dick so far down her throat that her eyes kept crossing. I shit you not, every time he pushed her down on it the bitch went cross-eyed and blew snot bubbles. It was fucking HILARIOUS and only made better by the fact that she kept trying to say naughty-provocative things while is was taking place.
As close as I could tell, she kept asking, "Do you like that? Is that good?" but it sounded more like, "Ooo ooo ike at?*bluahrg-snort* esh at ooog? *aaack ugh*" Poor stupid thing, looking for approval and reassurance from a jerk-off whose one goal in life is to fuck her stomach through her mouth.
I have no problem laughing at her expense either because just like no one forced me onto the streets no one forced her to suck giant cock in front of a camera. If you submit to letting yourself get fucked six ways from Sunday in some amateur gang bang then I can chortle to my hearts content and not feel bad for one filthy second.
Tis also the season for holiday themed porn, which is another of my hobbies. I love those goofy titles, they are almost better than the movies themselves. "Deck the balls" and my personal Thanksgiving favorite "Humkpin Pie."
I'm really disappointed that they haven't come out with a re-issue of A Clockwork Orgy, a shame really. It's a classic!
Fuck! I cut my finger earlier when I was cooking and it's still oozing! Thanx to those anti-coagulants they pumped into me, I've been bleeding and bruising like a hemophiliac. I look like I have leukemia, there are bruises all over my arms, neck and stomach.
I have been cooking alot as well, just because I have nothing better to do. Between having k1tten call me a domestic slut and Josh whining about the fact that these domestic skills were all but non-existent when I lived with him, I think I may have to lay off the Martha Stuart routine. I am NOT a domestic slut.....I'm imported! HAHA and clever too!
I was watching TV and came to the realization that as far as actual acting goes, I think Bill and Ted's excellent adventure may be the best thing Keanu Reeves has ever done. Am I the only one who thinks his acting is comparable to watching paint dry? A razor blade enema holds more appeal! Sitting through most of his movies is torturous, like watching a man sized puppet being put through the it's paces by a guy with a monotone voice box and zero personality.
Anyway, I have to go smoke now so I will end this convoluted tour through my psyche, I'm not actually this random and scattered in real least I don't think I am. Hmmmm, something to ponder. I'm normal, it's everybody else that's fucked up. Heh heh, riiiiiight.
Au revoir mon chous, Je t'adore. Melody