Friday, November 7, 2008

Me a victim? Of myself maybe.

I never realized it before but I am pretty fucking upbeat for a junky, I mean I might bitch constantly but that's just my nature. I was born to be a pain in somebody's ass. I guess most addicts are unhappy and that comes through in their writing. I can understand that, we all have our moments. I do get annoyed though when it's like 150 pages of pity party. Poor me I'm an addict, feel sorry for me and my wasted life....wah waaaaaah! Piffle!
I would like to believe that I'm unique in every way but that's probably not true, I guess I'm just more optimistic about my condition than most. A happy go lucky dopefiend, that's me. I'm not trying to sugar coat it, it's not an easy way to live. For alot of people it's no life at all, I know that, I'm not a simpleton.
I've been at both ends of the game, flying high selling and down low just scraping to get by. I won't deny that I had some tough times but for the most part if I was feeling sorry for myself it wasn't because I hated my life, it was because I had no $$$ or dope. That's about as honest as I can be, I mean sure I could spin some yarn about how I saw myself in the gutter and had a moment of clarity when I realized I was a waste of oxygen and would be better off dead but that would be bullsheeeiiit.
Maybe It's just me but if I'm being truthful my pit of despair was dug by lack of smack not self hatred. My poor me attitude beat feet as soon as I got right. To say otherwise would be false.
It's like all those people who find jail. Motherfuckers who couldn't be bothered to say bless you when someone sneezed are all of a sudden quoting scripture at me? I'm sorry but come the fuck on!
And what are these newly re-birthed disciples of Christ praying for, world peace? Their families well being? NO! It's all about,"Oh Jesus please help me to get a fed cap kick" or "God, please help the DA to lose my paperwork so I get a continuance and can do all of my time in county" HAH! Lord and saviour my ass! Most people only pray when they're in deep shit or they want something and that's the sad truth.
I actually had some of these dipshits try to lay hands on me and 'heal' me when I was locked up and kicking, needless to say it got ugly pretty damn quick and they wasn't offering to pray for me noooo more! Fuck 'em where they breathe, I wasn't religious on the streets why the fuck would I change my tune in lockup? That is fake as all hell and why bother if you're not sincere?
Anyway, all I'm saying is that no matter how many times I hear someone tell me that I'm not being honest about my addiction I feel like I am. I know it's bad for me, I just don't care. I talk about my self destructive tendencies but I don't know if that's even the right way to describe what's up with me. I'm not doing all this shit out of self loathing, I'm doing it because I like to get loaded. I may not like some of the shit that comes along with it but I figure you take the good with the bad and smile or else move the fuck on, it's not for you.
I'm not putting down the people who are genuinely unhappy with their addictions, everyone deals with things differently, all I'm saying is why is it wrong for me to feel OK about it? Why do I have to be miserable, is it some kind of junky pre-requisite? I'm not miserable, even stuck in a shit hole miles away from friends and family.
I've never been comfortable playing the victim, that's just not me. I could turn on poor junky girl in a minute if I wanted to and I have in certain circumstances, when it was to my benefit. Junkies are the best manipulators after all.
I always feel so stupid trying to get sympathy for something I did to myself, "Oh poor me, I never knew shooting Heroin 20 times a day would do this to me, I'm just a victim of ignorance and circumstance" Riiiight.
For me trying to play that card 24/7 would be like trying to put sliced hot dogs in plain spahgetti-o's.....not worth the effort 'cause it's just not authentic. Do I come across as helpless?
I know some girls that got into H because of guys and all that crap and I suppose if they really want to they can say it wasn't their fault but I went out and hunted for it. I specifically set out to score H and I didn't quit til I got what I wanted.
The link thing isnt working so if anyone wants to read that story go back to my 6/23/08 post for the skinny on how I got started. I will say right now, yeah it was fucking stupid! I had no business doing what I did and I'm lucky we didn't all die or get HIV/HepC. I know all that and even now I can't believe I went about it the way I did but if there's one thing that comes across loud and clear, it's that I truly have no one to blame but myself PERIOD! If I have no clue what I'm doing and there's no one to show me and yet I still figure out some way to get it done then yeah, it's my fault.
I'm getting sidetracked and it's probably because I had a phone call from a particularly pathetic Josh who was acting like someone twisted his arm and forced him to become a junky. Poor trust fund baby, nobody loves him waaaaaah! Man up Josh, stop whining like a bitch and take some responsibility for your own actions.
That's it,enough bitching for tonight; everybody have a marvelous weekend, I loves you all, yes even you sniveler! Melody