Thursday, August 7, 2008

Just like huffing gasoline with a lit cigarrette in my hand

I would like to start by saying that I have been awake way too long and am so fucking tired I would blow the toxic avenger for a few minutes sleep. I guess that's not saying much since I would probably do it anyway just so I could say I did. I'm weird that way.
I'm in a pretty decent mood considering how I feel. I hate that I can't run out and cop a bag whenever I feel like it. It's probably for the best though, I have no self control when it comes to that shit. If I was in Bako my money would be well on it's way to becoming a pleasant memory. It sounds so good to me right now!
It rained like a motherfucker last night, everything got drenched including the truck cause I was too lazy to roll up the windows. I am a lazy, useless fuck!
I watched some vids of my friend Mikey who died in 05 and cried like a little girl but that's okay because Mikey was awesome! I miss him alot, I was looking at clips of him from Jr high when he was just a little punk kid with a devil lock and a smart ass grin and it made me laugh even as the tears rolled down my face. I guess it's true, the good die young. That would explain why I am still here.
I had a Richie moment last night. I was out front smoking at like 3am and he comes walking up orchard, looking all wet and cute and messy. I am so stupid. Casey is asleep in the house and I'm canoodling with a moist Casanova on the front porch. If that were not enough, I let him in the house and took him to the back room. He was way stoned and had a goofy-adorable smile on his face. I can't say no to that shit! He had weed and of all things nitrous. I hadn't done n2o since I was like 14. Why is it that he always does shit that reminds me of how young he is?
He pulled the cracker, balloons and cartridges out of his backpack and then rolled a joint. I was feeling so antsy and crappy that I would have huffed pc duster at that point, just to feel a little better.
We smoked the joint and I got soooo lit. I don't usually smoke weed so it kicked my ass! I'm surprised Casey didn't wake up from the sounds of me hacking and choking. I zoned out and snapped back as he held the balloon up to my mouth. I know how to suck, even stoned out of my gourd. My ears were ringing and shit sounded all funny, my voice seemed like it was in slo-mo and about 10 octaves lower than normal. It was a little like banging coke, at least the ear ringing part.
I lost track of time, everything was way out of sync, it was spectacular! Richie took this opportunity to get super close to me and slide his hands up my pant legs. That was so fucking weird, I was like what are trying to do? Do you think if you go up far enough you'll just magically crawl out of the waistband? I was giggling and trying to extract his arms from my pants, not an easy task when you can't see straight. I've had guys try to get into my pants before but this was a new one for me.
I finally disentangled myself and ended up lying on the floor with his head on my stomach. His hair was still kinda wet and it soaked through my shirt so it was like I could feel him all warm against my skin. Not good! Well really good actually but in a bad way.
We were listening to the Stooges and he started singing I wanna be your dog to me. It was time for Richie to go home, too much more of this and I would probably do him right there on the floor with Casey oblivious in the bedroom. I hustled him out the door and when I got back inside I looked at the clock and it was already 5:45. Just in time, Casey gets up at 6!
I wonder sometime what the fuck can be going through my head when I do stupid shit like that. I have never been able to come up with an answer.
Anyway, as high as I was, I still never got to sleep and so I am still wide awake right now. I think maybe there is a part of me that want to get caught, there must be. I am a damaged little girl, for sure and for certain. Melody