Insomnia

I can't sleep, my head hurts. I'm remembering odd, disjointed things, sitting here in semi darkness. Past scenes dancing in my mind, my brain aches from it. Maybe I have an aneurysm?
 Mike Harvey died when his brain exploded. Devoted heroin addict, dead from a rupture, ironic. He had white blonde hair, his mother's name was Georgia, why do I remember that? He was older than me by 6 or 7 years, he taught me where to fence boosted movies and weird shit like batteries and aspirin. The Arabs in the ghetto stores give 25%.
Driving up and down East California Ave and East Truxtun selling stolen tools to the crap auto yards that were most likely fronts for drug operations anyway. We got paid in the front and bought our dope in the back.
The alley off Brown St where every morning cars would line up for drive thru service, money through a hole in the fence, H over the top with a free dime of coke as an incentive to keep coming back. Fixing while he drove us home. He stole brake pads and put them on my old Regency so we could keep the money my mom gave me to take it in. He drove a red Volkswagen Beetle.
I told my grandmother he was my boyfriend so he could sleep at the house. I was fucking someone else. I sold my horses and we went to Vegas, the Heroin was gone before we crossed the city limits.
Sick in Vegas, tossing, turning, sweating...my first real bout of sickness. Miserable. My mother wires me enough money for gas to get home and a little extra. We score crap dope cut with lactose and it gets us well enough. Fill up the car with a stolen gas card and drive from Nevada straight to the connect in Bako, finally real relief.
Back to the grind, drive, hustle, score, shoot, nod, rinse, repeat. I miss Mike. I miss my mint condition blue 77 Regency. The police called it the junky jalopy.
Got stolen and stripped when I was living with Casey off Union and Hwy 58. Cops found it a week later, the car was naked. No more junky jalopy.
Middle of summer, on foot, walking miles up Brundage to beg a front. Get well, hustle, hustle, hustle. Make $50, owe $20, what a bitch.
Dr. Swanson pill detox, $150 got you valium, clonodine pills and dermal patches, compazine, chloralhydrate syrup, soma, melatonin. I took some of everything and fixed on top, woke up with Casey, Joe and Will in a cold shower, they had to search and peel all the patches off me.
It's a blur, it's a blur, it's a blur and I miss it. I miss my supposedly wretched junky life. I miss being 16 and thinking that I'd be dead and buried in 3 years and not giving a fuck about it anyway. I miss doing speedballs in the hot summer heat and then sitting on the back steps, letting the waterhose run all over me, clothes and all. It felt like jello and my ears would ring and ring.
I need to lie down, give my head a nice, soft pillow to explode on.

Arrested Development Won't Help Me Here.

I love it when someone, anonymous of course, leaves me what he or she presumes is a biting comment and then fucks it all up by making absolutely no sense whatsoever. Yes I am a junky, possibly dumb although opinions vary but what the fuck does rationalizing hafta do with that particular line from my last post?
I wasn't quite as evolved in my drug use at that point in time and certainly no junky, so how does the way I felt then have one single, solitary thing to do with who/what I am now?
Is it rationalizing to admire someone for doing something so beautifully distasteful and unnecessary that it becomes awe inspiring? Yeah it was gross and kinda creepy but the fact that he even went there is almost poetic in it's own vile way. Respect is subjective, not to be lumped into one single category, one might assume that a person as mentally gifted as yourself would recognize that.
Moving on, I have no stories of young boys selling their virtue for a taco this evening, interesting as they may be. I am restless and have no patience for such things.
I am doing my damnedest to make this thing with Adrian die a quiet, peaceful death. I think it was sometime last week that I came to the realization that when one's life begins to resemble a Pat Benetar song, it's time to take action. I only thank God that Richie is far, far away and thus unable to complicate matters any more than they already are. I've been so fucking scattered these past few months, I don't think I could handle it.
I went for a ride with Maniac to kill time and ended up somewhere I shouldn't be, dealing with morons who have no place in my life at all. Some rotten toothed, arrogant, greasy business contact of Rainman's got a bit too pushy and I was escorted back to the truck after telling him that I refused to be dictated to by some Bobby Peru looking motherfucker who didn't know his ass from a hole in the ground! I couldn't help it really, that jerk off truly looked like he had been dining on crunchy gravel for the last 20 years and IFC has been running Wild at Heart all week. You can understand how I made the connection.
I went gladly and waited out the transaction, no foot dragging here! That house smelled exactly like his teeth looked, no great loss to sit in the car. I wasn't interested in their speed or their bullshit and was also preoccupied with the Adrian situation.
Once I got home, ate the dilaudid that R-man gave me and sat to try and figure shit out, I decided to attempt the pussy way out and just not answer the phone/door...ever again. I would've worked beautifully if not for the fact that Casey was in a pissy mood and the incessant ringing was driving him crazy.
I don't have the energy to go into details right now but let me just say, if love is a battlefield this has all the makings of a massacre. I'm just not in the right frame of mind to be nice about anything and my patience is deteriorating at an alarming rate.
If there was ever a time that I thought my arrested development put me on the same level as Adrian, I am over it now. I'm so glad I was done with highschool before I had to deal with crap like this. My experiences concerning the opposite sex were of a much more adult nature when I was his age and I always had the sense to know when something was done and over with. I never wanted to be that girl who was too stupid to know when to kick rocks and I never have been. I don't plead or try to bargain, I get out while the gettin's good and that is the best advice I can give anyone.
I sincerely wish Adrian was as good at reading the situation as I was, this soap opera is getting exhausting! I'll take as much responsiblity as is mine but no more than that. I obviously blurred the lines between innocent slap and tickle and serious involvement, yes I did. I also took it for granted that he would understand the difference and not be such a girl about it! *sigh*
Anyway, I'm working on this issue and asking myself how someone who looks like Adrian can be such a bitch about all this. I've been told that my attraction to him lies in fact that his being younger than me makes him less threatening but to agree with that would give credence to that voodoo they call psychology and that is something I won't do. I've been surrounded by threatening guys most of my life, why would I start to care now? Exactly, I wouldn't.
So I will go on my merry way, watch movies til dawn and hope that I will fall asleep at some point, not likely but I can dream.
Champagne wishes,
~M

ooooh he gives me head

I'm so fucked right now! Nada new there, right? Right! I'll get myself out of it one way or another, it's not really so serious, I'm just feeling a bit under the weather and letting shit bother me more than it should. Self induced sickness is a motherfucker! I'm also somewhat delirious right now, so excuse me if  I'm more incoherent than usual.
So clean, so depressing and I'm stuck on a weird incident from the past...well a few of them really but like most memories they tend to melt into one long dream and it's really difficult to decipher one day from another.
I got a voicemail from one of the people involved a few days ago and due to the nature of this particular memory, I'll just call him Alan. Of course Regina especially and miscellaneous others will know exactly who I'm going on about but for his sake, I'll leave him anonymous. Not that he would care, he was and is one of the few people I know who is as vulgar and shameless as I am. This is not always a good thing but what can you do...
So anyway, Alan had always been on the forefront when it came to inspiring shock and disgust, it was one of the things that made him so much damn fun to be around (most of time). From his "fuck the retarded" T-shirt (he always made sure to have at least one semi-retarded seizure in a public place while wearing this) to the fact that he often approached pregnant women and told them he wanted to fuck their baby..."riiiiight NOW." It's really alot funnier than it sounds, maybe you had to be there.
Around the first time we met him, he cemented his reputation by whoring himself to a repugnant, clammy handed guy named Cole...for a taco and a soda. Alan was not gay, (though it has been said now years later that he has more sugar in his tank than previously suspected) and he was not particularly hungry, he did because he could. Gotta respect that on principal, right?
So while we all went in and watched some random band play at Bam Bam's, Alan got his dick sucked by the most revolting chicken hawk of all time. I think we were all around 14 or 15 and it should have been more disturbing than it was but we took it in stride and spent the rest of the night laughing about how He'd made Cole buy a porno mag so he could hold it over his lap and look at naked bitches instead of the flat back of that pervo's head.
Years later this set a pattern for those two. As we all drifted deeper and deeper into heroin use and addiction, anytime A needed cash, he could always call Cole and come to an agreement. More often than not, I was the mode of transport to these rendezvous and it never failed to play out the same way. The ride there was spent with Alan running at the mouth about what a chump Cole was and," I don't give a fuck, that nasty queen wants to blow me and give me cash...fuck it, I don't give a fuck." My personal favorite was, "Just cuz he's sucking my dick don't make me a faggot." Ah, the eloquence of confused little boys, huh? A didn't have anything against gays, it just made him feel better to say it I guess, whatever works.
So one night I had set Sara up on this blind date with my friend Geno and she totally blew it off. I felt unbelievably bad, Gene was such a doll and he really wanted to take her. I felt so bad that I went instead, I think we saw a movie and ate dinner but we were both so loaded, who can remember.
 Casey wouldn't care, he had gotten arrested in SF and was doing a few months in San Bruno for commercial burglary and besides, he trusted Geno completely.
 Gene was one of my surrogate boyfriends at the time, coming over and helping me deal with shit because even though Frog was there, he wasn't exactly threatening and with Casey gone it was too tempting to come in and try to relieve me of an ounce or so of that sticky black tar.
So we had gotten back to Christen's to find Alan waiting and sick ( Frog had sold the last bag) and I guess he had called up Cole to try and make some cash before I got back. The connect was gonna take an hour and we offered to drive A to go meet his sugar Daddy. Frog acted appropriately horrified but we all know the truth behind that little act, don't we?
Anyway, we drove him there and waited for it to be over and on the way home we listened to Jet boy Jet girl and watched A transform from a swaggering buttface to a sniveling little boy and back again. All the bravado in the world can't make that situation palatable and it was taking it's toll. He always managed to rally though, calling on that thing that all us addicts rely on so much...selective memory. That and cracking jokes at his own expense so we could all laugh instead of dwell on how truly wretched the experience had been.
So I got that voicemail and instantly started listening to that song, almost without realizing what I was doing. Isn't if funny how an auditory memory can take you right back to a certain time and place? For me it was riding in Geno's Cadillac and listening to Captain Sensible sing that song while Alan alternately wiped tears and talked shit. Sweet Memory lane.
If you've never heard it, it's lovely, one of the few songs that made me wish I was a scrappy gay boy rather than my womanly self. I don't really care for the original, the CS version is what it's all about.
All over the place aren't I? What do you expect, I'm typing this while drowning in a flood of snot and tears and yawning like I have a damn heart condition!
That's it, I'm done. I have things to do and well, I'm antsy just sitting here, soooo...til next time,
~M
PS. That is a drawing off lizbaillie on livejournal, just to give credit n all, though why I'm caring is beyond me.
PPS. Regina and Anna please try and restrain yourselves from commenting on his real name, I know y'all want to!

...more than I did when you were mine

Here's me and Anna as the platinum blonde booby twins, she's probly gonna kill me for putting up this pic of her but I think she looks wickedly hot and I don't care.

Not to be denied his entertainment, Maniac (he's here fucking around with my latest photos), has informed me that he's waited long enough and if I don't do something about Adrian's Yoko, he will deliver her to me. It would seem that she has made quick enemies of almost everyone in their little circle, even Richie who is no friend to Adrian and not even in NM right now. I got a text from him as well, telling me that he would love me forever if I happened to cause her harm. He was exposed to her particular kind of crazy when he came to visit and wishes her gone. I would looooove to know how the fuck I got tapped for cooze control!

 I find much of this oh so amusing as it's verrrry rare that Richie meets a girl he can't charm within an inch of her panties, especially a cute one. Yes, she's cute, like a cheerleader but also quite a cunt to anyone remotely acquainted with Adrian. I'm definitely more than acquainted with that sweetheart so she reserves a special kind of hatred for me. Not my fault that he still calls and comes by to bring me stuff, not really.
So I called Rich and told him he'll love me forever regardless and that I'm not going looking for her just because they want me to, contrary to popular belief, I'm not that easy. If our paths cross at the appropriate time, then maybe but I'll be damned if I go out of my way. I'm not a bully for fuck sake...Unless they pay me to be.
Rainman is usually too caught up in his geeked out fantasy world to pay much attention to his crew's random cock ornaments but this girl has managed to pierce even his meth thickened skin. He'll pay me, he has before but I don't want a ridiculous amount of methamphetamine, I want cash baby. I'm so over the cryssy right now!
The last time I did some was months ago, a crazy good batch that R-man was very generous with...too generous. Long, jagged shards of barely opaque glass that smoked for days and days and left nothing behind to mar the pipe. So strong that shooting was advised against...too strong.
I was soooo fucking gakked, all of us were and it led to some stupid shit, not the least of which was almost wrapping the truck around a cow out in the middle of nowhere. Not my finest moment. That and a few other incidents have made me wash my hands of any further speed adventures, at least til I forget what that come down felt like. Christ on crutches that was a miserable fucking week!
So yeah, cash only fuckers or opiates of equal value, nothing less will do.
The truly sad thing is that I don't think Adrian would care if I did run her off, I mean he just ditched her (again!) to go buy me ciggs and Iced coffee. I don't know about you but to me that speaks volumes. They had this ridiculous scene across from my house the other night and had I been less preoccupied, I might have done just what they all want from me and kicked her ass from here to Kansas! I think perhaps the wench grows tiresome and who could blame him? All that ill conceived animosity towards people she doesn't really know, that has to be a drag. I was just telling darling Leora that guys are retarded and need to be more discriminating when choosing a cum dump, they always end up with psychos that make more of a situation than it really is. This thing with Ade is a perfect example! I could be wrong but I don't think he was looking for a long term , ball busting old lady and now he's too nice to tell her to piss off.
Jealous bitches are the worst and how it must rankle for a girl like her to be jealous of me. She's younger, free of tattoos and track marks, cute (like a baby viper) and most importantly, she's spread wide open for him anytime he chooses. I'm not any of those things and yet she's the one sitting at her sister's apartment while her boyfriend runs around and buys me shit, with her credit card no less! Cruel, cruel world. *smirk*
I almost feel sorry for her, I would if she wasn't so goddamn stupid! These girls who think that their gold plated pussy is gonna be the one thing to change a mess of a man, well it's just sad. Adrian is a disaster, an ungodly attractive one but a disaster nonetheless. No piece of ass will ever change that, not hers, certainly not mine...you take the mess with the man or you move on to one with less baggage. No one can change anyone else, it's a fact and lil Miss pep squad hasn't figured that out yet. Tough lesson, bitch.
If I'm being mean, well I'm not really in the mood to feel bad about it. Adrian just pulled up, in HER car and he looks so adorable, too good for a little girl who only sees him for what she can make of him, not what he is. He's deliciously damaged, sweet, considerate and a better man on drugs than most men are off. Pretty involved opinion for a bitch who claims she doesn't care, huh?
I have serious issues with the men in my life, I'm still confused as to how I can carry on these (mostly) platonic relationships without self destructing. Somehow I've managed to keep Casey from killing all of us and also kept myself from giving in to either of them. I consider them mine in a weird way, not like I care if they go out and fuck whoever but if it were to get serious, I think it would bother me. Now who's the jealous bitch?
 The really stupid thing being that I'm fairly sure I could have kept one or another of them if I had really wanted to. Adrian for sure and Richie on lesser but no less satisfying basis. So lame!
I need to get my head straight when it comes to my boys and...and then what? I'm open to suggestions because fuck if I know how to handle it. I actually love the little bastards, not in the way I love Casey of course but it's still genuine. I would miss them if they were gone but it's not fair to keep this up is it? One more reason I loathe the detox process, I get all introspective and stupid, hashing out shit that can be put off til a later date.
Though honestly, I'm not really sick anymore. I cashed in on the fact that my percocet script ran out a week ago (gone 3 days after I got them if you wanna know the truth) and went to urgent care for a temporary med refill. I made sure I was sweaty, shaking and so on just to make it look authentic. I'm brilliant when it comes to psyching myself out so my vitals go all screwy and back up my story.
It's not really lying, I would be getting those pills anyway, seeing as how my useless docs are at their wits end when it comes to my medical issues. Pain managment is the only option, there's no cure for what ails me (in more ways than one, heh). I don't think they would be too impressed if I told them that heroin is the only thing that chases away the sizzling nerve pains, they would assume it's psychosomatic (it's not) and leave it at that.
I feel like Keyser Soze every time I leave the hospital, the further I get from the building, the more my symptoms disappear. By the time I get to my car, script in hand, I'm barely recognizable as the rocking, palpitating wretch they saw a few minutes before.
To be continued, Maniac is done with the pics and Adrian is leaning over my shoulder trying to read what he oughtn't...he's been drinking my coffee and smells like vanilla lattes and cigarettes, sooooo damn good. Oh shut up Regina, who are you, the morality police?  I can think it can't I? Just look-ie no touch-ie, I promise.
~M L

Bloody messessssssssss.

This giant litter box they call New Mexico is literally draining the life out of me. It's Friday night and what the fuck am I doing? I can tell you what I'm not doing, I'm not getting the hell out the house to go do something ill advised and I'm not high. FUCK am I not high! I am in fact as far from high as you can get, meaning that I am sick, sick, sick. Like ready to drive 6 hours to go score if it wasn't almost midnight sick.
I'm such a pussy now that a mild edgy feeling is enough to make me pace the house all night looking for lost cottons and contemplating the syringe full of coagulated blood sitting on my nightstand. Seriously, I'm weighing the consequences of what might happen if I cook out the blood and pop it. It's only about a month old and yes at the time I found myself reluctant to toss it out because it contained enough heroin to knock me down...but it will almost certainly mean a wicked abscess and I'm low on Keflex.
Decisions, decisions!
If I was smart I'd shoot it into the toilet and be done but the junky in me finds that beyond abhorrent so I'll leave it where it is and hope that a few more hours of this restlessness will produce an outcome I'm comfortable with. Maybe I'll go to sleep? Maybe not.
I snatched the keys to Casey's truck and ransacked it, looking for pills that I know are there somewhere but he is too much of a Nazi to dole out, even though he isn't gonna take them himself. The fact that they were mine to begin with is lost on him.
Since he happens to be one of those wretched creatures that can force sleep while dopesick, he isn't too concerned with my malaise. Sufficed to say he thinks I'm malingering. It has been over a week and at this point I'm probly kicking suboxone not dope but that doesn't make me feel better at all! He suggested I do some theraputic house cleaning until I feel better, I suggested he go bugger himself with a pitchfork. How am I to do the Devil's work if these hands don't remain perfectly idle? Exactly!
If I wanted to I could hunt down some overpriced oxy or even some free speed but I'm not quite there yet. Doing that means subjecting myself to some kind of drama and/or idiocy and I'm just too wilted to deal with it.
I stopped the subs 3 days ago and haven't slept since and that doesn't bode well for anyone that comes within 50ft of me. I'm twitchy, easily annoyed and have the odd (yet somehow comforting) feeling that grinding my foot into someones face might be just what I need.
Adrian is banging some girl from Aztec and Maniac is way too eager to make introductions. Why I should care is the question of the hour. I don't really but I've heard (bet you can guess from who) that she is less than thrilled when my name is mentioned and if that wench gives me so much as the stink eye, I will knock it out of her head and shove it up her ass! I'm not terribly stable right now and am actually giggling at the picture of that in my head, not a good sign.
Adrian is a doll but I can't bang him so it stands to reason that someone else should but if that someone is stupid enough to think that she can engage me in some lame cooze bitch fest, she is sorely mistaken. I will knock her on her ass before she finishes the first sentence...and then I will go to jail. Girls like that always call the cops.
Christ, am I making any sense right now?
I've decided that the next person who says "F-bomb" within striking distance is gonna geeeeeeet it! That also goes for," Amaze-balls" do these people hear what is coming out of their heads??? I have along list of shit that irritates me no end, it includes ironic mullets, pork pie hats and crocs, pity the fool who leaves the house sporting all three, at least if I'm around. Good thing I didn't go to Turkey with Regina, according to her I've just described the majority of German tourists she came across.
My head is a mess right now, one half is saying that I should go kneel on Casey's chest til he gives up the pills and the other half is remembering that Faith No More sued the Care Bears...what the fuck is going on???
My favorite pussy is up in arms because my phone was out of commission for a week...it's back on Kitty Kat, same number as before, just switched vonage to comcast, no biggie. Problem with the phone is that if you answer it people start getting the idea you wanna talk to 'em. Not aimed at you K, jut sayin' is all. Call my cell.
Espanola got hit by the Feds on June 5th (I think) and it's made things inconvenient as they gaffled up 75% of the people I knew there. I wonder how many pics they have of me? Hmmmm...
Better go now before I go completely incoherent, I got's some blood to boil.
Kisses,
~Melodyyyyyyyyy.
P.S. listen to The Murder City Devils, In Name and Blood. I don't love every single song on there but pressgangs, crying cowboys and drunken homicide never sounded so good. Plus it reminds me of Mikey and that's never a bad thing.

Vapid, Trivial and Not a Little Gross

I have some utterly self involved rant all written and ready to post but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It's not often that it happens that way, being in love with yourself has it's perks but not tonight. Usually I would be perfectly content to publish it and then wait for all the douchey comments that would inevitably follow so that I could lord my ability to justify any damn thing over all the anons who dared question my absolutely brilliant and in no way flawed point of view. I am perfect and therefore immune to the questionable logic that plagues the imperfect masses.
 Haha, if there's one person out there that takes this last (and unbelievably run on) sentence as gospel, it will make my week, several times over in fact! Lighten the fuck up for Christ sake, find something better to do with your time and give someone else a chance at righteous indignation, you've been hogging it all up, leave some for the rest of us.
So I'm going for something inane, a little bit vapid and maybe just plain trivial. I am, after all a normal girl with normal issues and though I choose not to go on about such things, I too have days when I just don't feel fresh.
Don't be afraid, although I have no compunctions about bringing up my past as a needle toting turbo whore, I'll keep mentions of festering lady parts to a minimum. If anyone is wondering, I have no such afflictions, having been partial to condoms during my stint as a rent a hole. It's the practical thing to do and has saved me untold amounts on Valtrex and Cipro. A girl has to think about her health after all *snickering* and that old slag's tale about blowing rock smoke on suspect genitalia...well if you believe that, then you just deserve to catch the herpes!
Anyway, back to the present, my hair has gotten unbearably long and I'm at the point where if I don't do something soon, I may just shave it all off. I'm also growing tired of snide Lady Gaga comments! Lets get one thing straight, if I look like a bleached out tranny so be it but if there's one thing I know is that I've pulled off some version of this look for the last decade or more. I don't look like that crazy cunt, bitch looks like me! Whether that's good or bad is up for interpretation but there it is.
So I might and I stress MIGHT be picking some other color for my hair and may even be open to suggestions. As long as it isn't anything that looks like it might be natural, can't have that. Maybe I should hold a contest?
Well I think that's about it and I definitely fulfilled my goal of a vapid yet trivial post, I even threw in something to put you off your food, just for giggles. I hope you appreciate it! *sigh* I'm always thinking of others.
Weird, for some reason I was just reminded of the time (one of  'em), when we were getting tailed by the cops day and night and how I used to make the runners carry all my bags when I went shopping. Haha, being my bitch was part of the job description. Plus it made it more entertaining for the police, watching me drag Frog, Jimmy and Joe around to all manner of shops, loading them down with packages and making them get manicures. Maybe I was a little bored and that makes me mean but fuck it, they got paid damn well! I bet Anna remembers some of that, heheh.
Hmmm, that's making me smile, I may hafta write more on "The Tower" chronicles later.
Kisses,
~Melody Lee

Diversionary Tactics...

Not to add another car to the "everything sux ass" train but this seems to be the year for it. We just heard that another friend has been relegated to the dead pile. I guess it really does happen in threes.
He was more Casey's friend than mine, I knew him well enough but we weren't close, even tho I  lived with him for a short while.
 As far as I know it had nothing to do with Heroin (isn't that refreshing?), he burned up in a fire. Something to do with a wayward molotov and the inability to escape the squat in a timely manner. He was toasted up like pork rind and I'm sorry it happened to him, not a pleasant way to go. So hasta luego, Jason M. RIP.
With all this melancholy crap, I feel like I should put up something to distract from it, not detract, just make the all the charred imagery go away for a bit. I know I could use something to cleanse me of that mental picture and all the horrid details that go along with it. And yes, they were absolutely awful!
So here's some of the pics from the Vegas car show thing and my scabby stiches tattoo and some other crap I captured on camera. There's tons more but they need to be scanned and that requires actual effort so...Enjoy

And the horse it rode in on...

Another friend gone...what can I say? I don't want to seem nonchalant about it, because it's not that easily gotten over but really, what can I say...what can I do? Not a damn thing. Just get through my day as best I can and know in my heart that he, that they won't be forgotten, at  least not by me.
It always bothers me a little bit that I can get past these things so quickly, that the last time I cried real tears over a friend's death was more years ago than I can count. Not to say that these recent losses haven't made me weepy but it's never at the appropriate moment. It'll be at some really stupid time, like when I'm doing the laundry or driving down the street that I end up with tears streaming down my face and the feeling that my heart has been torn out of my chest. Like some weird word/image association that reminds me of them and for a moment I think that I'll look over and see them next to me, doing the same shit they were doing the last time we were together.
I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on myself about this, I mean who can really say what is appropriate where grief is concerned. I just deal with it differently and have dealt with it so often that it just seems a matter of time til the next one comes around. It doesn't mean I miss them any less than the person who cries copious tears at their graveside, it just means I'm a little...different.  Not better or worse, just different.
I don't even know what to write, I've been wrung out and hung up to dry. Funny that. I've decided that I'm done with alot of things and no heroin is not one of them!
I'm done with coddling self pitying sad sacks that don't have the balls to take a good look at their situation and see that they really don't have much to cry about AT ALL! Shut the fuck up, your mewling and stereotypical "depressed young man/woman" posturing is getting old and beyond boring and I won't feed  your need for sympathy any longer!
I'm done with trying to please anyone but myself, including family. They were the last holdout where that was concerned but no longer. Truth is I never tried all that hard but as of now I am cutting off all that nonsense. They can take it or leave it, either way it won't affect me much. It doesn't mean I don't love them, it means I'm no longer going to go against myself just to make them feel better. DONE!
I'm not this horrible person that has no human feeling, I'm just sooo sick and tired of all the bullshit that attaches itself to those two issues. I refuse to deal with it, refuse to let it drag me down or choose my path for me.
If I choose to wreck myself in every conceivable way, I will damn well do it! You can join me, disown me or stand back and watch, I don't care which. Just don't expect me to apologize for it or make excuses, that's not the way it works.
And please don't turn your good intentions my way, misguided sympathy I can do without! I don't feel sorry for myself, I damn well don't expect anyone else to. If you are stupid enough to extend a sympathetic hand, don't be surprised if I lop it off and sell it for dope, fuck your pity and the horse it rode in on bitch!
I refuse to be that person, the one who pens a pretty tale of coercion, addiction, destruction and eventual redemption. I'll leave that to all the whiny cunts who get off on waxing about how high were their highs and how low their lows. Pfffft! Enough whiny cunts, I won't add myself to their number.
I wasn't coerced and I don't want to be redeemed, how's that for a pleasing story?
Fuckers, I don't want your help, just send me your money. Christ, I wish I was retarded enough to panhandle on the Internet...I'd make sooooo much cash! Tell people what they wanna hear and get paid for it...I was always too stuck up to panhandle but sucking dick for money, haha I guess that's different!
That's also a whole other post, so I'll leave it at that. I feel much better and may even be back before another 30 days has passed, never say never, right?
~Melody Lee
PS I'll be adding this link eventually but for all who have been asking http://noahnods.wordpress.com/ there you go. He tells me he's having trouble responding to e-mails  so you can find the N man at that new blog address.

R.I.P. Joe 1981-2010

He's the one on the left NOT wearing suuuuuper tight purple pants (sorry A but they are!), We'll miss you my brother...

Not Just One Thing

Right, so this isn't going to be one long, focused effort, probly closer to a semi-coherent rant/ramble...you have been warned. My crappy music player is undergoing upgrades so I haven't been able to change the music, you'll just hafta grin and bear it or hit mute, your choice.
For the person who asked, Lora was one of my closest friends back home and she died of an H OD on the 4th of this month. She was complicated, difficult to get along with and so damn hard headed that it made you want to rip your hair out. I love her like a sister and am having one of my rare moments of guilt over her death.
Had I stayed in Cali, I would have inevitably been by her side and might have been able to keep her above ground a few years longer. She didn't want me to come to New Mexico, said that if I did, Casey would just use me as a crutch to fuck up and then put the all blame on me. She was right to an extent, he does do that sometimes.
She was kinda mad at me for leaving, Jerry said he knew I would and that he and L had argued over it, she was convinced that I wasn't that stupid and he thought I loved Casey too much not to. They were like the flip side of me and Casey; dark, dysfunctional and so caught up in each other that it made all bullshit seem worthwhile. I can't even imagine what Jerry is going through right now...
So anyway, that's just one of the reasons I've been MIA this month, the main one really. The others include my ever annoying medical issues (my percocet has been raised to an insane amount, not that I'm complaining) and by recommendation of a friend from work, I might be going to some specialist in Arizona, if I ever get off my ass and call his office. If not I'll be keeping up my monthly trek to Albuquerque to see my usual useless doc. Even I know better than to give someone a derivative of a med they have a severe allergy to. I was twitching and jerking like a marionette on crack! Stupid cunt!
I have gone back to refusing to take any pill I cannot readily identify. It's less twitchy that way.
Also, my family came to visit, which is always cause for equal parts happiness and alarm, nobody gets to me like my family! It was nice, even if  my mom can still make me feel like a disobedient 8yr old.
In unrelated news, I got the stitches tattooed on my wrist awhile back and never got around to putting up pics. It looks gross, in a completely kick-ass way! They look all cartoon-y and Frankenstein-ish, I fucking looooooove them! You know something is creepy looking when the guy doing the tat finishes up and says, "Fuck, that shit looks crazy!" The best part was when it was all swollen and scabbed up, it looked almost real, people would stop and take a second look, just to be sure it wasn't. All in all, they are perfect! I might just put up one of the scabby pics, so y'all can enjoy it too.
I also have lotsa pics from the thing in Vegas, so I'll be putting those up as well. I woulda done it sooner but this thing with Lora made me feel even more lethargic and useless than usual. Casey looks adorable of course and I, having refused to paint and curl myself within an inch of my life, looked like a deranged Alice in wonderland with brass knuckles on the belt over my, um...pinafore haha. Not quite a pinafore but you can judge for yourself...when I get around to putting up the pics, that is. Maybe sometime this week.
My new friend wants me to take him to Albuquerque today and I'm not sure if I will. Casey hates him already because he calls me "Mami" and ignores Casey when he comes over. He comes to the door ALOT! So much that I just turned off my cell and ignore the door, it's easier that way. Cameron introduced him to me as being one of the few H users in town, he thought we might be beneficial to each other. So far I haven't seen it but whatever.
Tracksuit dildo got his car riddled with bullets at a stoplight but they missed his fat head, not sure if I care either way about that one. Never had enough interaction with him to wish him dead or alive, just enough to know he is a jerk-off of Spencer Pratt-like proportions and I want nothing further to do with him, especially if he's drawing bullets!
So, I guess that's all the news that's un-fit to print. Expect some pics soon and I'm sure some more rambling will follow as well.
~Melody Lee
P.S. Thanx to Rufus for threatening to come looking for me, with a search party like that, I may just go missing more often!

R.I.P. Lora 1984-2010

Love and miss you babe...

Mean for all the Right Reasons

The conclusion to my Richie episode:

 I sat on the bed puffing on that disgusting brown cigarette and wondering how I was gonna extricate myself from this inconvenient situation. I hate to label Richie inconvenient but he most definitely is! Where he goes, difficult to explain misadventures follow, whether by accident or design, they are nothing if not inconvenient!
I needed to keep control of myself and the best way for me to do that was to climb into the safe, warm skin of sarcasm and snarky bitchiness that I wear so well. Talk about a defense mechanism, haha.
I didn't want to be mean, it's not in my nature to be nasty to people I like but this was an exception. I would tone down the acidity and keep the ouch factor to a minimum. Good plan!
I turned to Rich and blew a steady stream of icky More smoke into his face, looking bored and asking, "So what's up junior, what was so important that you had to stalk me into R-man's boudoir?"
I made sure to use equal parts mockery and disinterest to add just the right flavour to my question. I sounded like a proper cunt!
Poor little boy did his best to ignore my sudden personality switch but I could tell it had thrown him off a bit. I lay back on the bed, my legs hanging over the edge, feet swinging like a 3yr old, I even started humming under my breath as I created artful smoke rings and blew them up towards the ceiling.
He had started up some slick monologue about why he was pursuing me and ended it with a question...a question I ignored completely until he reached out and touched my arm in askance. Only then did I stop my humming...just long enough to turn towards him with a blank look and ask, "Hmmm? Did you just ask me something?"
It was brilliant! I felt bad, really I did, even if his darling face hadn't registered all that confused emotion and wilting testosterone, I still would've felt felt awful...pretty sure anyway. *smirk*
I knew if I could make him whiny, it would give me just the push I needed to finish the job, you all know my feelings about whining!
He tried to regroup and I hit him with, "Spit it out highschool, I don't have all night." Technically I had all night and into the next day but it was too good a line to pass up and Richie didn't notice anyway.
When he didn't say anything, I closed my eyes and returned to my smoke rings and leg swinging, when something works, stick with it! I felt the bed shift, dipping down like he'd raised himself up or rolled on his side. I was hoping it was him turning his back on me but when I opened one eye to take a look, I saw him looking down at me, the full force of those green eyes directed right at me!
 My resistance wavering, I decided the best course of action was to close my eye and pretend I was not affected in the least. I thought I was doing a reasonably good job of it until I felt his breath tickling my ear and he whispered,"What you're doing right now, it's not gonna work."
I tried to counter with, "Hmmm?" but I knew he was onto me and it was gonna take alot more than vague indifference to put him off. I decided I need to up the asshole factor and try a direct and well, somewhat insulting approach. It was all I had left unless I wanted to resort to something that would make him hate me and that wasn't what I was after. I can be mean withhout being unnecessarily vicious, I save that for personal arguments and catfights, heheh.
I opened both eyes and gazed back up at him, schooling my face into something resembling amused understanding. Anything but what I was really feeling, if I let him see any kind of affection lurking in me, he would move in for the kill.
I kept my eyes on his and when he smiled at me, I smiled back, I couldn't help it but I refused to lose sight of my objective! This was gonna be really ugly and mean and so not what I wanted but it had to be done.
Still smiling at him, I reached up and put my hand on the side of that devilishly adorable face...and did my best to wreck every last vestige of self confidence in my beautiful boy. At least temporarily.
Stroking my thumb over his lower lip for extra effect...and ok because a broken finger couldn't have stopped me, I said,"So what's the deal pretty boy, is it really that bad? Don't try and tell me that you haven't had a hundred and one chances to get your shit wet in the few days you've been on the loose, I know you." He started to say something but I put my fingers over his mouth and continued,"Did something happen in jail to make you...uh shy with the ladies, an incedent in the showers perhaps? Is it cuz you feel "safe" with me?" He snorted and shook his head as if to say "what the fuck?" but I was not to be stopped. "Tell you what, if you really need to get off so desperately, you can go go into the bathroom for a little "alone" time. I won't tell." I put my hand on the back of his neck and pulled him close so I could put my mouth next to his ear and whisper,"Just remember, the door doesn't lock and it, uh...opens out."
He grabbed my wrist, pulling it off his neck and stood up. He paced back and forth a couple times running his hand over his shaved head before yelling,"FUUUUUCK!!!!" and fixing me with an questioning glare. "How the hell do you do that? How can you be be so godamned sweet and poisonous at the same time?"
I was now sitting cross-legged on the bed, fucking with the unusually large master remote, trying to look ocupied. When he kept silent I looked up and saw him staring at me expectantly.
"Oh, you want an answser to that?" I asked innocently,"I don't know how, it's a gift." I winked at him and went back to pressing buttons.
Poor Richie was at a loss. He sighed and told me stay put, he'd be right back. I didn't bother to look up, just said,"Mmmhmm" and held my breath while I waited for him to leave the room. When I heard the door close I let myself fall back on the bed and put my arm over my eyes, trying to will my heartbeat back to normal. I was having some success until I heard,"Daaaaang,that was some fucked up shit! Did you really just allude to a possible shower rape?"
I sat up and scanned the room for uninvited cholos and discovered an irritatingly familiar disembodied head peering from the corner of window, partially obscured by R-man's gaudy drapes.
I stood and walked towards him,"You're gonna choke on those big words, allude! Pffft! How the fuck are you even up there? This trailer is like 20ft off the ground!" I looked out to find him teetering on a stack of pallets and milk crates.
He smirked at me and said,"I couldn't miss this drama, that shit was better than watching tele-novelas." he brought his hand up to wave a video cam in my face," I bet those fuckers on youtube will think so too." He started laughing, way too pleased with himself.
I reached out and smacked my palm hard against his fat head, shoving him off his rickety tower to land in a sputtering heap, somewhere out of  my range of vision, I told y'all that trailer was high. *snickering*
I could still hear him crashing around outside when Richie came back in the room, "What was that?"
"No one, er nothing important." I replied, promising myself that I would scour R-man's property until I found and destroyed Maniac's little recording! Youtube indeed!
I turned my attention to Rich, noting that the glint in his eye had dimmed considerably since my last assault on his ego, I was hoping that one dose of my acerbic tongue was enough. I started having doubts when he grabbed my hand a led me over to the bed. He sat and then pulled me down onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me, pressing his face into my shoulder. He didn't do more than that, so I stayed there. Eventually I turned towards him and hugged him back, it seemed like the thing to do and though the kicked puppy persona was clearly in evidence, he wasn't actively whining, so it was tolerable. Does that sound mean?
After a bit he just looked at me and said,"Why does shit get so fucked up when I'm with you?"
I looked back and said, "I don't know, it's a gift."
He laughed and I kissed him the forehead and then jumped off his lap and went to look through R-man's DVD collection. I avoided Requiem for a Dream like the herpes (that movie is waaaaay too fucked up for a night of light viewing) and chose Love & a .45, a personal favorite that I think I actually gave R-man for X-mas. It's not a widely distributed release, though it fucking should be!
So I got to watch movies with Richie curled up next to me, his head on my lap just like the little boy I keep telling him he is. I am so not one of those lame bitches to get all soppy over the little boy lost routine but it was extremely freakin cute! I even took a pic with my cell and sent it to Casey so he could see, haha. Not as fucked up as it sounds, I promise you. I called my angel to tell him what was going on and that I was running to Colorado the next day. Whe he asked what kind of mischief I was up to with Rich, I told him and sent the pic. (I might even post it here sometime, if it hides enough of his face to keep some meddling assclown from sending it to every P.O. in NM, some people need a fucking hobby!)
See, when it comes down to it, Casey knows I'm a mess but he trusts me just the same. I've done lots of things I shouldn't but never anything there's no coming back from, not recently anyway *wink*
I think the fact that I could but I don't means alot, just the same way he could but he hasn't. That could change but for now it's a comfortable place to be and that's all that matters. I adore Casey on a level so far above any silly jr. high flirtations, it makes everything else seem small by comparison, no bullshit.
Not saying it wouldn't be fun but ultimately not worth it, if it wrecks what I have at home. Am I a dope or what? I know what Anna Banana would say, haha but she's got issues of her own right now, so she can shut the fuck up! Love you bitch and you know I mean that in the nicest possible way.
So as you can see, I'm not dead, in jail and Casey did not murder me, chop me into bits and leave me as crow bait in the desert. Sorry to disappoint, haha.
Actually I am in excellent health and spirits! So much so that I have decided to put my well known hatred for Las Vegas, NV aside long enough to attend the 13th annual Viva Las Vegas rockabilly thingie. Couldn't give a lesser shit about the multitudes of hipster-billies that will be there, I'm just going so I can see Chuck Berry. Really can't pass up that opportunity, can I? Vicky is coming from Taos to watch the house, not that she needs to, this neighborhood is lousy with cops! Lucky me.
Too bad I've been snarfing sour bears all month and will look more like Bettie Pork Link than Bettie Page. Oh well, it is what is is haha and it's too late to cultivate an eating disorder especially for the trip. I'm sure I'll think of something to bring me back to my usual self before too long *wink* Don't worry, I'll take lots of pics so you can see me with my hair in victory rolls and Casey all greased up. I'd say we're worse than the hipster-billies but Casey's closer to a 50's grease-monkey than 75% of those fuckers and me, well I can get away with anything. Haha, seriously!
Besides, a large portion (toooo fucking large!)of those people care more about using the right brand of pomade than they do about learning the history behind the music they listen to. It goes a lil deeper than Jerry Lee Lewis and Carl Perkins, no disrespect to them, they kick ass but come the fuck on! Do some research, don't hogtie yourself  with what amounts to 50's 101, The Stray Cats and the Nekromantix! Take some pride in what you stand for and I mean really take the time to find out, looking the part is not enough! I blame that for the scores of lame-ass, substandard rockabilly/psychobilly music that has assaulted my ears of late! If I hafta see one more crappy band, dripping Murray's hair dressing and under the impression that that, combined with using the word "cat" every other godamned sentence makes them passable, I'll swallow my fucking tongue! Heheh sorry, damn that came out of nowhere huh? Just one of my peeves rearing up to say hello.
Oh and before you ask, no I did not manage to find and stomp Maniac's filmaking debut out of existance, I had just started to file it under "Fucktard Cholo Fabrications" when I recieved a voice mail where all I could hear was gleeful tweeker chortling and me and Richie playing out our little episode in the background. This was followed by him sending me a highlight reel *sigh* I will think of something appropriately evil if the youtube threat becomes a reality!!! Try me.
Hugs, kisses and all that other good shit,
~Melody Lee

My Turn as a Domestic Slut has Truly Come to an End!

Ok, so the pic has nothing to do w/my post, just bringing my work home with me, I s'pose.

So just to spite my newfound productivity, I ditched out on the second half of my shift last night, not a very subtle self-saboteur am I? Thinking I may be recovering some of my manic house cleaning energy, I have devoted myself to doing laundry today, though the fact that my dryer seems to be rebeling against it's one and only purpose (to dry, duh!) is seriously chipping away at my morale. Susie Homemaker I am not! It's been proven, time and again that I am quite possibly the worst house keeper ever.
 I loathe cleaning...any kind of cleaning and I truly feel that the only thing driving me to scrub the house on a regular basis was lack of anything better to do. Now that I've found other ways to occupy myself, mopping the floors is the last fucking thing on my mind. Casey is somewhat displeased by my lack of motivation where house-wifely duties are involved and I find that I must keep reminding him that just because I'm Mexican, don't make me his fucking maid! Clever no? Clever si!
The one thing I have going for me is that I can cook, oh man can I fucking cook! Anything and everything and it's not only edible, it's usually delectable! Not braggin...well, maybe a little but a girl has to take her bows when and where she can. If I was a more practical sort, I would be sprinkling my posts with some of my kick ass recipes but alas, practical is not me at all. Plus I don't think that y'all are here to read about my unbelievably good version of beef wellington or how to make the best godamned creamy chicken soup with cheese tortellini, celery and leeks. Shame really cause that soup is soooooo fucking good! Even Casey likes it and he is usually too much of a carnivore to enjoy soup as a main course.
So anyway, I'm watching Roman Holiday and periodically dragging my ass outside to hang clothes on the line and shopping online for a new dryer. I want one of those front loaders that you can get in all the cool colors. I'm a bit unhappy with my new laptop, I got it in "moolight white" which looked alot better in the demo. It would have been closer to the truth had they called it denture beige! But  the pavillion is tons better that that crappy vaio I had and if the color is the only thing wrong then I count myself lucky. That vaio was sooooo worthless! It was brand new and ran like a 5 yr old e-machine, I was totally disgusted so I got this HP Pavillion dv7 and now I'm happy. No more freezing up for absolutely no reason and refusing to convert my music files, fuck I hate that vaio!
So I had this really weird dream where I was getting molested by Joel Mchale but not as himself, as the guy he plays on community. The weird part being that it wasn't totally unpleasant. I'm usually immune to Ryan Seacrest-ish guys who use too much hair product but whatever, we all have our moments I suppose.
I'm also curious to know why it is that I am constantly getting propositioned via IM by guys from unheard of Ukranian villages. No, I am not the least bit interested in ,"having the webcam sexy" with you! I'm starting to think that my messenger ID's have been scrawled on the wall of some virtual men's room because I doubt they all got it from here. They never do tell me where they got it and I'm torn between thinking they're being coy or maybe just don't understand enough english to give me a proper answer. Oh well, that's what the "appear offline" setting is for.
Casey just got home and is shooting me adoring looks because by all appearances, the house is in the same state as when he left 4 hours ago. Nevermind that I have been hanging out washing like a Filipino houseboy! Maybe Regina can come stay and be our Filipina house girl? Haha, she'd love that! The only thing Regi likes more than housework is being subjected to Casey's moods.
So I have some rather interesting news on the Richie/Adrian/Casey front! Richie has somehow managed to get his hands on a weekend pass for the 6th of next month and has proposed that Adrian pick him (and some dilaudid) up in Colorado and then they meet me and Casey in Espanola. Wow, is that a recipe for disaster or what? Since I haven't filled you all in on the details of my last few hours with Rich, you can only judge from what you already know but even with that info you gotta know it's major bad news! Casey is sooooo unenchanted with Richie right now and he still hasn't gotten past my Adrian/crack episode.  I don't know what R has planned since he doesn't shoot and will have to piss test as soon as he gets back to the home but I doubt he's gonna go without. I need to think this through a bit more, ok ALOT more.
I'm off, I need to go throw more clothes in the washer and kick the dryer on my way out the back door. Fat Mike (sprawled across my shoulders) says hello.
Kisses,
~Melody Lee

half assed update

Well I had the conclusion to my Richie series all typed up and ready to go but blogger decided to eat it! So it looks like imma hafta do it all over again. Blegh!
It was interesting, even though I did feel like I was trapped in an episode of Benny Hill. I need to do a shot, I feel icky and edgey! I have some H left and a few subs for when it's gone but it looks like I'll be getting cleaned up this weekend.
I'm not feeling overly brilliant right now, so this is gonna be brief. I got promoted at work haha, is that some shit or what? I'm now a trainer and I get to um, train. Makes sense huh?
Anyway, Casey is at work and I'm all alone, getting ready to do the rest of my smack and nod until it's time for me to sign in. I'm on from 3pm to 1am and I'm s'posed to do 2 training sessions today. Wow, I feel so productive and useful! Pffft!
I am just as useless now as I ever was, so I have no clue how the fuck I managed to A) hold this job as long as I have B) actually prove myself an asset to the company. Just goes to show that you never can tell the way shit is gonna turn out.
I know there's plenty of fuckwads that will immediately comment about how they think my job is as worthless as I am and barely counts as employment at all but whatever. Suck shit, I'm not real concerned with your opinion anyway.
So I'm off to do a shot and enjoy what time I have before the girls call me. Good day to you all.
~Melody Lee

The Richie Chronicles Continue: I Am Brought Low by a Traitorous Door

Me being...difficult.
Personally I think I look tired and slightly amused but according to everyone else who was present I was showing definite signs of bitchiness. Can you blame me?
I had spent the last hour applying way too much makeup, watching the boys play with my pics and marveling at the speed with which Rainman was trucking in and out of the house. Poor R-man was wired beyond all comprehension, well and truly spegakked! He'd been gibbering some nonsense at me but in his condition I was only able to catch the gist of what he was trying so desperately to communicate. Maniac was too wrapped up in his project to translate so the most I could fathom was that R-man thought my being there with Richie was a bad idea. Hmmm, wonder how he came to that conclusion?
Richie on the other hand had done his damnedest to make sure I KNEW being there was a mistake. He followed me every time I left the room, cornering me every chance he got. Had it not been for Maniac, all would have been lost and believe me, I feel stupid as fuck even saying that. If someone had told me that I'd be relying on that goober to keep me outta trouble, I'd a called em a liar.
But as enchanted as M was with his new software, he made sure to tear himself away anytime I went MIA for more than 10 minutes...God bless him! My hero, the cholo. He didn't have to bother coming up with lame excuses either, he simply said, "Uh-uh, uh-uuuuuuuuh!" whenever he caught Richie trying to maul me. And me close to letting him heh.
I s'pose maul is a strong word but accurate nonetheless. He's still in command of those fast hands I remembered so well and had no qualms in using them. Christ, those hands! Ummm...yeah.
So I was fighting the good fight, doing my best to keep from giving in but at the same time trying to talk myself into something that I knew would end badly. No amount of self delusion would make banging Richie an acceptable option...as delightful as it sounded. I needed to stay strong and get the fuck outta there as soon as humanly possible!
I had thus far resisted the urge to inject myself with speed(tho clouds of it floated through the room at will, making me gakked by association). Me+speed+needles= zero common sense! Divide by Richie and it =maybe just this once. Not a good plan! Just this once would inevitably turn into me waking up the next night in one of Rainman's spare rooms, deliciously bruised, sullied and no doubt searching for my drawers! All the while trying to mentally edit the whole thing into something that would be remotely acceptable to my beloved Casey without being an out and out lie. Ugh! Who have I turned into??!!
*sigh* Being good blows! I have no frame of reference for doing the right thing. I know right from wrong, it's not like I'm a simpleton, mainly I just don't care. I'm used to doing as I please in these (and all) situations and the excuse that R is practically a child was starting to seem like less of an obstacle. He's technically legal and that's what matters...right? Right!
Godamn it! No, not right! Wrong! Verrrrrry wrong! So wrong that as is typical with me, it began to take on an extremely attractive, glowy kind of aura. The kind of thing that is nearly impossible for me to resist, everyone knows that when faced with two paths, I will invariably choose the worst one, sometimes (most times) on purpose. It's part of my charm.
Feeling that I would soon disgrace myself with a man-child who was far too enticing for his and my own good, I did the only thing I could. I ran.
Out from under Richie's arms, into the living room, past the burbling meth savant, swooping in to snatch Maniac off his chair and sweeping us both into the most secure room in the place, Rainman's sleeping quarters.
Ignoring the, "Crazy Puta" muttered by my reluctant cholo sidekick, I locked the bolts,hooked the chains and stuck the raid rods in the floor. Maybe a little extreme but I felt tons better after it was done.
Maniac shook his head in disgust and asked, "Now what? Did you forget you're driving him to Colorado in the morning, pendeja?"
FUCK! I had promised to take Richie to wherever the fuck Adams County is. I probly would have given this problem much more consideration if at that moment Rainman hadn't been rattling the doorknob and chittering like a spider monkey. I shoved Maniac in the direction of the door, strolled calmly to the bathroom...and proceeded to barricade myself in with the pile of boxes/junk on the floor next to the sink.
I wasn't really able to make out what was being said in the other room and a few minutes later I heard the door shut and the locks turn. I was still stacking crap when someone said, "You know this door doesn't lock, right? And it uh...opens out haha." Richie swung the door open a stood there looking adorable and smug.
I took a deep breath...and started laughing, "I give up! You are seriously a pain in my ass! Christ, you make me insane!"
"With lust?" he asked, smirking.
"Fuck off!"
"I'd rather Fu..."
"Don't! That is so not gonna happen!" I shimmied around the mess on my side of the door and brushed past him, deciding I'd had enough of acting like a lame ass girl.
I grabbed him by the back of his pants and pulled him over to Rainman's bed. Pushing him down on it I proceeded to climb him like a jungle gym! Haha, just fucking with ya. I didn't climb shit, more's the pity.
I sat down next to him, punched him in the gut when he tried to grope me and lit one of Rainman's nasty More cigarettes....


I'll finish this up next week, I've given you enough to snicker at for one day haha. I was pretty retarded tho, huh? Also part of my charm :P If a person can't laugh at their own ridiculous antics, he/she is waaaay too uptight!
Enjoy the Gary Glitter on default, I thought it was appropriate considering the pedophile-ish undertones of my post.
Catch y'all later,
~Melody Lee

Mix Cd's are the devil!

Me (and my tits) in all my soft focus glory, courtesy of Richie and Maniac

So as you can see by the pic, I spent more than just the drive to Rainman's with Richie but more on that later.
When we left the house I had informed Casey that I had been pressed into service as a chauffeur and got a drunken smirk for my trouble. Figuring that I would sort it all out later, I herded Richie out the door before my beloved boyfriend decided wringing R's neck was worth the trouble after all. Rich may have just stepped off the weight pile but Casey has it all over him as far as psycho goes. Not to mention bulk, I mean look at the size of his (Casey's) arms, he looks like freakin' Popeye for fuck sake! Way hotter tho heh!
Anyway, we got into my vehicle and I started us on the drive to Rainman's tweeker compound letting Richie play the mix he burned earlier at my place. I was lost in thought when I started to notice a disturbing theme. At first I did little more than roll my eyes and chain smoke when he sang along to various "mushy" songs by the Ramones. I thought I showed amazing restraint as I sat through I want you around and I wanna be your boyfriend. That was before he moved on the the Murder City Devils and Depeche Mode. Having Richie staring at me, earnestly singing about not going down on his knees begging me to adore him...it was clearly some insidious form of reverse psychology!
I did a remarkable job of not pulling to the side of the road, snapping the offending CD into pieces and climbing out of my panties. Had it been anyone else singing to me like a tard, I would have laughed them out of the truck but it was Richie. He can do pretty much anything without compromising his hotness, cheesy sing alongs included.
Instead I calmly ejected his mix o' questionable seduction and replaced it with something less...interpretable. Let him try and be adorable to Wayne County, I thought truimphantly! It looked as tho victory was close at hand...but then I witnessed him become immeasurably attractive whilst singing to me about making him cream in his jeans. He could've yodeled like a Swede (Swiss? Whatever!) and it would have been devastating, just because it was him. UGH! I was sooo out of practice when it comes to dealing with barely legal lotharios!
I turned down the music and we had a little talk...

Me: Why do you do this shit? I haven't seen you in soooo long and it's like you never left! You pick up right where you left off. It's fucked up, you know where I stand on all this.

Richie: I though maybe things were different, I heard about what happened over Loco's place with that hype from Phoenix. Plus Loco making comments about you and him hooking up. I Thought maybe...

Me: *grumbling* Fucking Maniac and his big mouth! First of all eeew! Loco? Really? That's what you think of me? Secondly what happened with Adrian was...complicated. I...got caught up in the moment.

R: Yeah, I heard that you did *smirking* that guy must either be a pussy or a fool to let it end the way it did.

M: Hmph! Big man are we? I suppose you would've carried me off like some jailbait caveman and...

R: What is it with you and the age thing? It's not like I'm 12, I'm grown and...

M: AND you lied to me! You told me you were like 19 and come to find out you had just had turned legal. UGH! I was almost a baby snatcher! Do you know how creepy that is? I spent my last year in Bako fending off advances from kids that I could have babysat for in Jr high! The last thing I expected was to have you to deal with as well, you're practically and infant!

R: *laughing* I think it's funny as hell and I wish you would just understand. I only want to know you *looking soulfully in my direction* It's like you only let me see one side and I want to get to know every part of you.

M: Hah, I know what part you're interested in! And it's spoken for!

R: Fuck, like that's a secret...come play with me over at R-man's tonight. Please? It'll just be you and me and maybe Maniac, Rainman is gonna be busy most the night. Like old times, you know you want to...and it'll be the last time we can kick back before I leave.

M: *sigh* gonna work that angle are you? Fine, I'll stay for a bit.

Richie smiled turned the music back up, he lit a smoke and we said nothing else the rest of the way. I already knew what I was letting myself in for and had to wonder at my lack of judgement. Not that I'm a model of restraint or anything but I usually try to keep it in my pants out of consideration for Casey. Crack enhanced make out sessions do not count if they are terminated before any clothing hits the floor...or dirt as the case may be heh.
I was gonna be in for it and sure enough, the moment we walked through the door, I was assaulted by a gakked cholo wielding a digi cam. It would seem that Maniac came up on all sorts of photo stuff and had been experimenting by taking pics of anything that would stand still.
Richie took the camera and started shooting waaaay too many pics of me and my impeccably turned out boobs. Though I knew they looked quite good, I (and my tits) soon grew weary of the attention and put a stop to the photo shoot.
They uploaded the pics and the boys played with the effects on paintshop pro, turning me into a soft focus daguerreotype. I was somewhat pleased by the end result so I decided to post it here.
I hate to do it but there's alot more to tell and it's gonna take more than one post, I will say that I have a few things to be ashamed of...good thing shame isn't in my repertoire. Shameless has it's perks. So does omission *wink* it's definitely in the top ten of favorite sins, omission kicks ass!
Anyway, I'll be back soon to tell all...shut the fuck up, YES I WILL! Haha, I'm gonna be sick for a few days and that usually results in regular posts. It's the nature of the beast.
Kisses and I'll see all y'all motherfuckers soon. Listen to the Angry Samoans while I'm gone, sooo good it almost hurts!
XO Melody Lee

The Return of Richie...and then some. Adrian who?

Casey multi-tasking

I saw my baby Richie recently...totally unexpected! I was sitting on my ass, looking less than presentable, contemplating a long day of phone perversions when there was a knock at the window. Let me make it clear that no one knocks on the window anymore, not since Casey's last blowup. So even though he was at work, it was still unusual. Besides which, answering the door in thi-hi fishnets, boxers and wifebeater was less than ideal. Don't ask, I was having a desperately seeking Susan moment, the less said about that the better.
So I open the door and who do I see standing before me? My sweet Richie, looking super hot and as edible as ever. If anything he looked a bit less like the cute skate punk I remember. Being in lock-up will do that to you, especially to guys, serving time for males is vastly different than it is for females, at least in my experience.
Anyway, his head was shaved and he was all...fit *wink* he'd been doing some serious work on the weight pile or something (not sure if weights have been yanked in NM jails)he looked grown up and...uh, anyway, he looked good.
In true Richie style he ignored the fact that I looked like a throwback to an 80's movie and leaned in to give me a hug. Fuck he smelled goooood, familiar and disconcerting, all at the same time. We froze like that for awhile, him with his arms wrapped around me and my hands resting on his back. Don't know how long we would've stayed that way if someone hadn't cleared their throat in a very loud and obnoxious way. I pulled loose and looked around R's now considerable shoulders and saw Eric standing behind him. I ducked under Richie's arm and E swept me into a bear hug. I was less reserved with Eric just because there had never been weirdness between us. He finally let me go when Mr. Muscles grabbed me from behind and pulled me back into him. Signature Richie move and just as effective now as it ever was, uh-huh.
I suggested we go inside before we were spotted by a neighbor who would carry tales to Casey, probly something along the line of," Your old lady was practically banging two thugs on the front porch and she was wearing YOUR underwear!" Somewhat inaccurate but damning just the same.
They followed me into the house and we went into the bedroom heheh, not what you think. I had all kinds of shit going online and I needed to monitor while we talked. I will say that I did not hate seeing Richie sprawled out on my bed. Eric was a bit more circumspect, taking seat in one of the armchairs. Not to say that Eric isn't a cutie too, we just never had that kind of thing going on, thank god! That would be waaaaay too much to deal with!
So did I mention that seeing Richie laying amidst my blankets and pillows was not entirely unpleasant? I did? Well I'm saying it again, he is fucking HOT!
So I found out that the boys were making a brief stop in between reporting to their PO's and getting shipped to some men's home in Colorado (Eric had been out a few days already). The last time this happened I didn't get to see them at all and then they caught a case there, getting sent back to the pokey. So tho I managed to pull off one visit, the fact that I refuse to get a New Mexico DL (it makes my stay here seem way too permanent), kept me from visiting again.Now my boys were here, looking very grown up but still every bit the little fuckers I remembered.
Richie was playing with Fat Mike, rolling himself in my sheets like a big and very dangerous(to me)cat. I should explain to those who don't know that trying to ignore Richie is next to impossible, he's one of those magnetic personalities that you can't help but watch and the fact that he's unbelievably attractive don't hurt either! He's such a little sociopath, I swear to Christ that kid has every available emotion on speedial and fuck can he make it seem sincere. Regina calls me a sociopath on a regular basis but I don't really think I am, I kinda wish I were sometimes, it would make some things alot easier.
Anyway, we sat there and shot the shit for like hours, the boys ooh-ing over the ink I got while they were locked up. Some time later I heard the door and the phone in rapid succession, I answered my cell and got Cameron. He was outside waiting on me, I had totally forgotten that I was expecting C and crew. They were coming over to tie up some loose ends and grab some more percs and no doubt spend a good portion of the day in my living room. I turned to Eric and Rich and said,"Great, this just turned into a gangbang" getting a blank look from one and an interested smile from the other, I think you know who belonged to what. Gangbang indeed!
So I went to go let the others in, conducted some business and they arranged themselves on assorted couches. I went to take a shower and change into something more suitable, declining Richie's offer to join me. I am a good girl! Haha, maybe if I repeat that enough times it'll be true.*wink*
Casey had made it home by the time I was done swathing myself in my security blanket of black eyeliner and was less than pleased to see everyone, especially you know who. He made a snide reference to my "barely legal entourage" and ensconced himself in the bedroom to make love to the 3 40oz-ers he was holding. The pic is one I took of him that night.
So alot of interesting things happened,one of them being the drive taking Richie to Rainman's house. Eric had gotten a lift to his sister's from Cameron after some not so subtle prompting from Rich. So I will write about that next time because as usual my post has gotten beyond long and though too much of me is never a bad thing, enough is enough.
I'll be back, you know I will, I always am and if you miss me too much, listen to me on the voice thingie or look for my lame-o podcasts sometime this week. I could seriously kick my own ass for agreeing to do that shit! It could be interesting if I can get the always hard to pin down Veronica Vicious to make the guest appearance she's been promising...unreliable cuuuunt!
Why does that sound so familiar and strangely comforting? Hmmm, no idea haha.
See y'all soon...probly. Tho every smart kid knows I was born on a green light, it is a very selective light and picks and chooses when and where it will make it's influence known. It's an asshole that way.
Kisses,
~Melody Lee
P.S. No I haven't forgotten Adrian, I just temporarily placed him on the second to top shelf. No reflection on him, he's a sweetie, maybe too much so. I have issues dealing with guys that are too nice but the fact that he's gorgeous makes it sooo much easier to put my issues aside haha. A little bit of shallow every now and then never hurt anyone, promise!

For your enjoyment, last year's bitching 3 days late.

On closer inspection of my pic^^ I am beginning to think that I should stop wearing clothing 3 sizes too large and stick to something more fitted that doesn't make it look as tho I have 30 fat rolls! Moving on, I'm watching some movie right now called Mondo Hollywood, aside from the somewhat nostalgic feel of it, the main thing that attracted me were the dismal comments left by previous viewers. Something to the effect of "what a waste of skin those hippies were" and "this movie is a flaming pile of crap" so after being subjected to such eloquence, I ask you how was I supposed to keep from watching? It's not so bad, although the 60's aren't really my thing. I think the best thing about the 60's was the music, the killer garage sound that came in waves from all over the place...it's quite simply amazing. I still get caught up in The Sonics and Richard and the Young Lions, The Beau Brummels, all that stuff is insane, simple and raw, practically perfect in every way. If you sat me down and forced me to listen to some of that summer of love folk shit, I might possibly gnaw through my wrists in an attempt to make it stop but not if we were listening to The Pretty Things or the Zachary Thacks. So I'll stop before this turns into my own private NME and turn my attention to other matters. My Little Red Book tho, seriously amazing and don't get me started on Talk Talk (curently on default)
So now I wanna direct attention to my previous post...omg hahahahaha, bonus points to you anon, seriously! After all my whining about this and that, you managed to goad me into just the kind of reaction that I try to avoid, generally because it just enforces your point and weakens mine. Not to say that I didn't make some very valid statements, oh indeed I did, not the least of which being that my choices are just that...MINE! Also forgetting during my Lyrica induced rant (not passing the buck haha, just sayin') that it doesn't matter how far I go to try and make someone understand, if they refuse to get it, there's no point in wasting time on 'em. I can't force my ideas on you any more than you can push yours on me but fuck if it wasn't fun trying.
Now all those things aside, I think my biggest issue with my last post wasn't the fact that I sound like a huge buttplug, I have no problem with that at all. My problem is that I was so immersed in making my point that I totally spaced my complete and utter dislike for the word braggadocios! I think anyone who actually uses that word in a sentence is a total anus, in person or print! Either way it's not a good look, who the fuck talks like that anyway? That word is at the top of my "did you seriously just say/do that?" list, right after bromance, asap (as in A-sap, spelling it is fine), copacetic (no everything is not!) and kabooby (not really a word, more of a flying camel but it weirds me out just the same). Further down the list are women who have decided that being called an actress is somehow demeaning and that they are now ac-tors (bah!) People who own hypo-allergenic pets and guys who when asked what they miss most since they've been locked up say their flat iron! I think that last one sums up everything that is wrong with the world. I may hafta write a scathing satire entitled "A Felon and his Flat iron" to further illustrate my Point! Am I the only one who thinks that is beyond ridiculous? I won't mention names but seriously Aaron (haha, I lied) what am I s'posed to think when you say things like that?
Since I'm on the topic of things I hate, let me throw in people who carry canes as some kind of uber-cool affectation(uber is also on my list of lame ass words( right next to epic) but whatever). Regina can sympathize with me on this one as she personally became the victim of a cane toting gothapotamus in SF. We were walking down Haight, minding our business when I saw Regi make way for an apparently crippled (ginormous) person of indeterminate sex. If pressed I would say it was a woman but there was no time for closer inspection, as at that moment Regi was catapulted halfway into the middle of the street, the victim of an unsolicited ass-attack. It was administered by the largest black-velvet clad posterior I have ever laid eyes on, after which, said gothapotamus flipped the prop cane into it's massive shoulder and skipped away on straining cankles. So although my description is somewhat amusing, my point is this, unless you are Malcolm McDowell circa 1971 and look super hot in white droog wear, don't do it! Put the cane down, you look like a douche!
Oh and please put down your ridiculously large pipe while you're at it! A pipe? Really? Would you like some snuff to go with that President Lincoln? Schmuck! Is there anything that looks more asinine than some idiot driving down the street, a tobacco pipe the size of a small boot clamped between his teeth? Not likely but gimmie a minute and I'm sure I'll think of something!
Next goes people giving their kids stupid fucking names! Zuma Nesta Rock? Speck Wildhorse? Those might get by because having a rock star for a parent buys you alot of slack (tho it really shouldn't) but when some dipshit in Jerkspittle, Arkansas names their kid Puma Alize somethings is seriously fucked up! I'm high more often than not and I can tell you naming your kid after a running shoe and a $4.00 wine isn't a good idea. Pretentious/oblivious names are almost as bad, let me just say that unless your spawn is going to have a Dr. before his name and an S. Thompson after it, you should not be calling him Hunter. Period! Or Farmer or Shepherd, those are occupations, not names. If you have one of these in your family, my condolences, perhaps your relatives are stupid and didn't know any better?
This isn't the 1930's, we aren't fleeing the dust bowl, goddamn it DO NOT name your son Abner! Is it just me? Some moron shows me their progeny and proudly pronounces it "Summer Dawn"(sounds like a brand of douche!) "Space Radio" or "Kermitt" WHAT THE SHIT??? And they think it's soooo fucking unique! What'll be really unique is when he of the stupid name grows up to be the next Ottis Toole. Perhaps if Ottis had been named John (and hadn't had the IQ of a mashed pea) he mightn't have ended up such a fucktard! First name Ottis, last name Toole, that's the kind of situation where nobody wins, even if he was too moronic to realize he had been branded a corn pone dildo from birth, it's still not right and inbred or not, his family shoulda known better!
OK, now I have no idea how I got here but fuck if it wasn't hella fun to bitch about random, basically meaningless shit! I am restored!
So, getting more tattoos for my birthday from my angel love Casey, I'll probly throw up some pics in a couple weeks, whenever it's done. Most likely finish the stars and get the stitches on my wrist, and that shit is gonna feel soooo good! It's gonna cut right across my tendons and over that bone on the outside of the top of my wrist, yummy! Nothing feels quite like jamming a needle into your tendons. Can't wait!
So that's it for now, hope everyone had an amazing holiday and when I come back I will officially be another year older, yay. Happy New Year fuckers.
Kisses, Melody
P.S. Casey's boss told him that I am a soul sucking witch(that's a new one)and that I was draining him of his spirituality. Pffft! When he (the boss) called later that day, I told him he was a bit confused for I am actually a cock-sucking BITCH and tho that might be draining something, I sincerely doubt it's his (Casey's) spirituality! That shut him up proper, meddling Jehovah's Witness busybody! Fuck those people and the cult they rode in on!