Wednesday, May 19, 2010

And the horse it rode in on...

Another friend gone...what can I say? I don't want to seem nonchalant about it, because it's not that easily gotten over but really, what can I say...what can I do? Not a damn thing. Just get through my day as best I can and know in my heart that he, that they won't be forgotten, at  least not by me.
It always bothers me a little bit that I can get past these things so quickly, that the last time I cried real tears over a friend's death was more years ago than I can count. Not to say that these recent losses haven't made me weepy but it's never at the appropriate moment. It'll be at some really stupid time, like when I'm doing the laundry or driving down the street that I end up with tears streaming down my face and the feeling that my heart has been torn out of my chest. Like some weird word/image association that reminds me of them and for a moment I think that I'll look over and see them next to me, doing the same shit they were doing the last time we were together.
I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on myself about this, I mean who can really say what is appropriate where grief is concerned. I just deal with it differently and have dealt with it so often that it just seems a matter of time til the next one comes around. It doesn't mean I miss them any less than the person who cries copious tears at their graveside, it just means I'm a little...different.  Not better or worse, just different.
I don't even know what to write, I've been wrung out and hung up to dry. Funny that. I've decided that I'm done with alot of things and no heroin is not one of them!
I'm done with coddling self pitying sad sacks that don't have the balls to take a good look at their situation and see that they really don't have much to cry about AT ALL! Shut the fuck up, your mewling and stereotypical "depressed young man/woman" posturing is getting old and beyond boring and I won't feed  your need for sympathy any longer!
I'm done with trying to please anyone but myself, including family. They were the last holdout where that was concerned but no longer. Truth is I never tried all that hard but as of now I am cutting off all that nonsense. They can take it or leave it, either way it won't affect me much. It doesn't mean I don't love them, it means I'm no longer going to go against myself just to make them feel better. DONE!
I'm not this horrible person that has no human feeling, I'm just sooo sick and tired of all the bullshit that attaches itself to those two issues. I refuse to deal with it, refuse to let it drag me down or choose my path for me.
If I choose to wreck myself in every conceivable way, I will damn well do it! You can join me, disown me or stand back and watch, I don't care which. Just don't expect me to apologize for it or make excuses, that's not the way it works.
And please don't turn your good intentions my way, misguided sympathy I can do without! I don't feel sorry for myself, I damn well don't expect anyone else to. If you are stupid enough to extend a sympathetic hand, don't be surprised if I lop it off and sell it for dope, fuck your pity and the horse it rode in on bitch!
I refuse to be that person, the one who pens a pretty tale of coercion, addiction, destruction and eventual redemption. I'll leave that to all the whiny cunts who get off on waxing about how high were their highs and how low their lows. Pfffft! Enough whiny cunts, I won't add myself to their number.
I wasn't coerced and I don't want to be redeemed, how's that for a pleasing story?
Fuckers, I don't want your help, just send me your money. Christ, I wish I was retarded enough to panhandle on the Internet...I'd make sooooo much cash! Tell people what they wanna hear and get paid for it...I was always too stuck up to panhandle but sucking dick for money, haha I guess that's different!
That's also a whole other post, so I'll leave it at that. I feel much better and may even be back before another 30 days has passed, never say never, right?
~Melody Lee
PS I'll be adding this link eventually but for all who have been asking there you go. He tells me he's having trouble responding to e-mails  so you can find the N man at that new blog address.