No Damned for me................

So it's Halloween and where am I? I can tell you where I'm not, I'm not in L.A. getting ready to go see The Damned/Adolescents play a magnificent All Hallows eve show! I will not be having a wonderful time listening to Dave Vanian sing Melody Lee live, right before my very eyes and I will definitely not be hanging out with my friends getting fucked up and having fun.
I will be stuck here in New Mexico scowling at my tickets and wishing death on the people who were lucky enough to make it to the show. This is exactly what I swore would not happen yet here I sit. I hate to think that when I look back on Oct 2008 the highlight of that month will have been midget wrestling at Gators. UGH! It is too dismal to even contemplate and no, I did NOT go see midgets wrestle!
I suppose I can look back and see this as the month when I was able to renew my love affair with H, which is definitely a high point but missing that show is gonna hurt.....it does hurt......poor me.
On the bright side I am feeling OK and I have resisted temptation to A) attack what is left of the H and B)place another order, so things aren't all bad.....I guess. We will probably do some again next weekend, I told Casey it was all gone....I did it all and knowing me the way he does, he believed it. I really haven't touched it since I stashed it and that surprises me in a big way, usually I can talk myself into it no problem. I think the fact that I don't want to do it without Casey(AAAAWWWW *gag*) is a big factor. I know that he can't do it all the time and I don't want to rub it in his face that I can so..........I won't. How selfless of me!
It's all for the best anyway, as much as I love getting gowed, I love him more and I will do what I can to see that I don't wreck him.....too much. I am such a good girlfriend! HAHA yeah right, whatever.
So Happy Halloween fuckers, live it up and don't do anything I wouldn't do (I'd say that leaves your options pretty much open:)) Loves you, Melody

Mommy's little monster

I talked to my mom today, I swear that woman has some kind of radar that lets her know exactly when a phone call would be least appreciated. I love my mom, really I do, it's just that she can try my patience at the best of times.......and half -assed dope sick is NOT the best of times.
My mom is sooo far removed from me, it makes you wonder what she could have done wrong in order to end up with a kid like me. Did she lose a bet with God or what? I am the polar opposite of her in every conceivable way. She is a little snobby and cares way too much about what people think of her. She is very proper, very ladies who lunch. Basically above reproach in every way, I think the only marks she has against her are having married my dad and in turn having spawned me.
She has mellowed out a bit in the last few years, I guess having me for a daughter will do that to you. It was either go with the flow or go crazy. The first time I got arrested I made the mistake of calling her to beg for bail. I would have been better off trying to blow the judge. She was so horrified at the thought that a jail call would show up on her phone bill, I thought she was kidding....at first. Then when she said, "You mean I actually have to lower myself and contact a bail bondsman?" I gave up any hopes I had of being bonded out and didn't try to call her again. She just has no coping mechanism for those kinds of situations, which is really strange considering she was married to my dad but whatever.
She can actually make jokes about my jail time now, whereas before, the subject was off limits, like if she pretended hard enough, it never happened. It's not that easy.
Anyway, she waited about 20 min into the conversation before she started in with her pet causes. Mainly getting me to go back to school and make something out of my life. Not interested! I tested out of school when I was 13/14 and going back now is not an option. She even enrolled me in college back then and I went......for awhile. College is not the place to be when you are 14, especially if you are a trouble magnet like myself. I won't go into the specifics but it was not what my mother had envisioned for her little girl. I spent the next few years running away to L.A. and SF and Mexico and wherever.........
To say my mom had a tough time with me is an understatement and I really think she did the best she could. I didn't give her much to work with, that's for sure. As for school thing I tell her what I've always told her, I don't want to waste my time and her money on something that I know I'm not gonna follow through on. I know I'm not, so I will save her the disappointment and just say so up front. I'm too lazy and unmotivated for college, I would never make it to all those classes. I could if I really wanted to but I don't and I'm not gonna lie about it. I've never subscribed to the belief that you should say things just because it's the 'right thing' to say. I'm sure I would get a better response from people if I did but there's the rub, I don't really give a fuck about getting a better response.
I spent some of my time last summer at my mom's working on her latest book and although it was fun, it's not something I wanna do indefinitely. She now has this idea that I can take over as her in house editor and that is soooo not happening! I don't mind helping out whenever she needs it but that's it.
I think maybe this is her way of finding something to keep me out of trouble. Thanks mom. I feel a little honored that she's willing to risk the integrity of her current/future manuscripts just to keep me out of harms way. Maybe she does love me after all? Just kidding, I know she loves me despite my numerous shortcomings, which is pretty commendable I think. I woulda given up on my sorry ass a loooong time ago.
HAHA, I warned you about the angsty type bullshit you could expect for the next few days, I wasn't lying! Muchos abrazos bitches, con amor y felicidad, Melody

Miracles come in all shapes and sizes

Did you guys know that back in the 1800's alcoholism was such a problem that they used to advertise 'miracle cures' in the back of ladies magazines and catalogues? One of these cures was a liquid that women were supposed to sneak into their husbands after-dinner coffee in order to keep him from going on a bender. It was guaranteed to ease your spouse into a restful sleep and keep him that way til morning. No more drunken mauling or verbal abuse. It was perfect! If you could get past the fact that this 'miracle cure' was actually liquid morphine (laudanum) and that instead of having a husband who was a drunk, you now had one that was addicted to opiates, by your own hand no less! Not really a relevant story, I just thought it was interesting, my head if full of useless movie/pop culture/drug trivia and it leaks out occasionally. I mean who(besides me), really cares about the name of Erroll Flynn's boat? Even if it was the one where he (allegedly) committed several counts of statutory rape. No one really knows (or cares) who the first girl to jump off the Hollywood sign was, but I know her name, even if I can't really tell you why I know it, I just do. Whatever!
So, I'm gonna put it(H) away.......I think. I don't really wanna contend with an extended bout of dopesickness so.....
Maybe I can hide it away til next week, that would be the thing to do, that way when Casey comes home wanting a shot, which he will, I can say no and he'll just have to deal with it. He doesn't need to go to work all loaded or sick. I can curb myself enough so that if I put it away, I can stay out of it for a week, haha self-control at it's finest. I did a shot this morning and I think that's it for now. I'm going to try really hard to stick to my decision and see how that goes, don't worry, if I fuck up y'all be the first ones to know.
I waaaaaaaay overdid it ! It's not often that I do enough dope to make me sick but I managed to pull it off this weekend. I spent most of Saturday doing shots.....and then running to the bathroom to puke my guts up. Alot of people think that it's not worth it, having to put up with nausea in order to get loaded. Maybe to them it's not, I eat tons of gummi candy the whole time I'm high, so when it does come up, it tastes just as good as it did going down. I'm sure y'all were just dying to know that huh?
Anyway, I'll probably be posting a bunch of angsty drivel for the next few days, just til I get my emotions back under control, so bear with me. Maybe I'll post a few more hooker stories, that should pass the time and maybe entertain you a bit as well. You know me, I live to serve.Love y'all bunches and bunches, Melody

I am domestic as fuck!

This weekend has been amazing! I got an unexpected hook-up from my 'friend' and although I tried to wait a few days we ended up banging a shot within hours of getting it. Big surprise right? I'm gonna be paying for it all next week but I knew that when I fixed the first shot, so I have no one to blame but myself.
We have spent the whole weekend nodding and watching movies and being goofy, just having a good time in general. We watched a movie called Jesus Son, which is really good, I recommend it! It's about a junky guy in the 70's who gets himself straightened out but it's a long, twisted path to get there. It stars Billy Crudup and he does a fantastic job playing the dim yet endearing heroin addict. 2 thumbs up!
This is just a quick hello and then I'm off because Casey just woke up and I promised him biscuits and gravy (homemade) for breakfast. I make awesome homemade biscuits! I roll that shit out and everything and my country gravy? Forget about it! I'll have to invite y'all over for breakfast sometime. Don't worry the side order of heroin is optional. I'll write more later, tomorrow maybe. Being high makes me all lovable and domestic so I'll be doing housewife-y type stuff today......cooking, cleaning, having long bouts of smack enhanced sex with my honey, you know, the usual. That's one of the things that is a definite plus about using occasionally, we don't have to deal with heroin induced impotence, just the opposite in fact. Niiiiiice!
So I'ma go now but I'll holler at y'all later on. Have a maaaaahvelous weekend daaaaaahlings XOXOXOXO, Melody

A list..........of stuff

This is a list I came up with of the things that make me uncomfortable and the things that I don't sweat in the least. At first I did this because I was bored but after it was done and I had a chance to really look it over I realized that this list (or the things on it) might be why people generally think I'm cracked. I guess I just see things differently than most and my priorities are a little.......OK alot off. I'll let you-all decide what you think.

makes me uneasy~~~~ won't worry me at all

The Burger King-duh~~~~ Serial killers-in general
Janice Dickinson~~~~~ Janice Dickinson female impersonators (???)
teletubbies/barney~~~~~~ crackheads
Highschool musical~~~~~~~Highschool Massacre
men in short shorts~~~~~ men in dresses
male strippers~~~~~ male hustlers
KJ~~~~~~ mescaline
seroquel~~~~~ xanax
blood work~~~~~ trying to hit til I look like a bloody voodoo doll
boredom~~~~~ trouble
living in NM forever~~~~~ leaving tomorrow
psychotherapy~~~~~ blogging my business to the world
panhandleling~~~~~ sex for $$$
The mall~~~~~ the hood
being perfect but unhappy~~~Being a perfectly happy mess
infinite sobriety~~~~~~ infinite intoxication
kicking methadone~~~~~~ kicking H
the American dream~~~~~ the fact that the American dream is a lie
Scientology/Tom Cruise~~~~~ Aliens
smug self righteousness~~~~~~ mindless self-indulgence
drowning~~~~~ OD
crying for myself(I can't)~~~~~ Shedding tears for others
Vapid narcissism~~~~~ vapid narcissism
accidental idiocy~~~~~~ intentional stupidity
casual love~~~~~ casual sex
losing myself~~~~~ having nothing left to lose
being miserable to maintain appearances~~ being content to maintain myself
over-achieving~~~~~ being average
becoming my mother~~~~~ becoming unredeemable
living too long~~~~~~ dying tomorrow


I'm sure I could go on and on but I expect you-all were bored after the first few lines. Anyway, enough dime-store psychology for now, I suspect that this attack of introspection has been brought on by my recent smack binge. It usually takes me a few days of emotional upheaval to get back to myself. Chemical balances and all that. Whatever, Happy Wednesday babies, Love Melody XOXOXO

My own personal hell comes to life.....sorta

So I'm not feeling great......not too bad but not good either. Fuck it, it was worth it! I was fighting my way through machine gun sneezes all day but it seems to have tapered off. This half-assed sickness I can handle but what took place a few hours ago may just scar me for life.
OK, it might not seem that serious to y'all but for me it was......NOT nice.
Starting from the beginning: I decided to log in to one of my services and take some calls. This usually works to take my mind off my edginess/dope hangover. It does NOT work when I am full blown sick and may have to hunt down and slaughter the motherfucker who attempts to get off to me while I'm in that state.
Anyway, all was going well, I had the usual calls......B&D, barely legal,tranny, you know, typical phone bone and then.........
I get a request from one of my LEAST favorite sadistic regulars, I'll call him Carl. Carl's favorite thing to do is scare and humiliate you, which is not really a problem seeing as how it's just over the phone and his repertoire is pretty un-original. The reason I dread his calls is that he has a fascination with shit(yes I mean poo) and seeing as I do not, it gets a little tedious blabbing about flailing in feces for hours.It can be hella sick and ridiculously funny but it's NOT my thing so after about 45 min I start to run out of stuff to say about it.How much can you really say about poop anyway?
He also has a bad smarmy/superior attitude,like a school cop that becomes intolerable after about 5 seconds. He likes to try and find out what bothers/frightens you the most and use it against you. Normally this is not a problem, I just make something up and pretend to be horrified. Easy! Besides, unless you are a total schizo, how can you be afraid of a phone perv? I play submissive, he jerks off and I get paid...every body's satisfied.
Until tonight! I'm not sure monetary compensation is sufficient for what I endured this evening. I know you-all are going to laugh when I tell you about it so I'll just say it now....there is nothing rational about a phobia it's just scary and you can't really explain it, even if you know better.
So things started off predictably with Carl playing 20 questions so he could try and mind fuck me. I was playing along, making up lame answers and watching TV on mute (I'm multi-talented). We were getting to the part of the call where he tries to bully me into confessing my deepest darkest fears when disaster struck. As my shitty(No pun intended) luck would have it Carl had just screamed, "Tell me what you fear you filthy slut!" when a commercial came on. I loathe commercials but this one happened to be the MOST hated one of all.
I sat in horror for about 10 seconds before shuddering and muttering to myself, "UGH....the Burger King" forgetting that Carl was still shrieking in my ear for an answer. I changed the channel just as Carl said,(in a really baaaad German accent) "Ahhhhhh, zeeee Buuuurger Kiiing...."
WHAT? NO! I tried in vain to convince Carl that I had been joking but the weaselly little bastard could hear the desperation in my voice and demanded that I "Shut the fuck up, tonight you will be at zeee mercy of zeee Buuuuurger Kiiiiiing!"
The whole thing would have been hilarious, especially that cheesy accent if it hadn't included 'his royal plasti-headed majesty'. Now any of you fuckers that are laughing right now.....shut up! It's not funny, it's vile and before you ask why I didn't simply hang up on him; the lines are monitored and hanging up on calls in a big no-no. Plus I would have had to explain why to the supervisor and that is NOT something I cared to do. I would be the service joke for a month! I can tell you guys though....I have to tell somebody and Casey gave me NO sympathy whatsoever,he just spit beer across the room and laughed himself retarded. Asshole!
So for the next 127min I sat through one of the worst calls of my phone whore career.......frozen on the line as Carl described IN DETAIL what was being done to me by the*shudder* creepy Burger King. I won't elaborate too much but I will say that it involved bondage, poop, mayonnaise and the King's over sized plastic phallus. UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
This was definitely one of those situations where having a fabulous imagination is NOT a good thing. I could picture every revolting scenario and it has been seared into my brain. I will probably have night terrors for a year.
I may never be the same after this! The mental scars from this episode might take years to manifest themselves but I have no doubt they will make themselves known eventually. Most likely I'll be minding my own business, driving past a Burger King when a flashback will send me into a spasticated seizure that will then cause me to careen across several lanes of traffic and kill innocent motorists in an attempt to mow down the *shudder* Burger King and rid the world of his sick, plasti-headed tyranny once and for all.
I think the only way this could have been made any more terrifying is if he had turned it into a three-way with Janice Dickinson......in a nun's habit. ACK! That is truly the stuff of nightmares!
If I EVER had the misfortune of coming face to face with Janice Dickinson I think I would 1) Freeze 2)piss my panties 3) kick her in her surgically re-constructed vagina and D) run away....quickly!
I swear some of the shit I hear on the lines is unbelievable! I couldn't make this stuff up....well technically I could but I don't have to.
As if sleeping tonight wasn't already gonna be a bitch now I have this to contend with.I can walk down E. California Ave(scary rapist crackhead-quarters)....by myself....at 3am but I can't face down.....well you know. Maybe I am a little crazy after all? HAHA, like there was ever any doubt! Sweet dreams kiddies, Melody

This is what I've looked like ALL weekend!

I'm a little nod-ish because someone (you know who you are) played devil on my shoulder and talked me into doing another shot. To be fair, it wasn't that hard to convince me and I love her anyway plus I would have just done later on if she hadn't. I popped it in my hip 'cause I was too lazy to try and hit so it's been creeping on me for awhile. Niiiiice!
Casey got up in my face and snapped the above pic and it just seemed to capture everything about the last few days. My pinned pupils, the dazed look on my face, if you knocked on my door this weekend, I answered it looking like that. This was after I butchered my hair sometime early Saturday morning. According to Eddie, I look loaded in all my pictures(even when I'm sober), but I think he'll agree that in this one I look particularly fucked-up. I also thought the black and white added a nice touch.
The Dope was choice! Yes it was still that Afghan shit and no, I didn't use vitamin C. That shit scares me, which is pretty ironic considering that I've shot up lots of stuff way scarier than vitamin C/ascorbic acid. In order to fix it, I just heat the shit out of it til it cooks up, it won't dissolve in water so I have to fire it up good!NO cold cooking like tar. Sooooo not what I'm used to but I'm learning, HAHA you can never have too much knowledge.....or dope.
So it's almost gone and I have to say not a moment too soon! I'm sure I'm gonna feel like shit tomorrow and we'll end up doing the rest. I hate, hate, hate the fact that I start getting dopesick after only a few days. It took me weeks when I first got sprung.......I guess a decade of near constant use makes it somewhat easier to get re-acquainted with my addiction. HAHA, I think smack addiction may be the only thing in my life that I haven't half-assed. How inspiring!
So anyway, I'll write more later. My eyes have a mind of their own and want to shut themselves. loves you, M.