Tuesday, June 24, 2008

It never gets any easier...never

As out of touch as I am out here I guess it's no surprise that I just found out about my friend Ash having died. It's been months, I guess it happened sometime at the end of last year, right before her birthday. I haven't talked to anyone to find out how she died but being that she had just gotten out of jail and was a serious dope fiend like me, I have a pretty good idea.
The last time I saw her was in July of last year, we had run into each other on the street. She'd been on methadone for awhile but was still using now and again. I copped for us and we went to an empty old church and fixed up. I hadn't spoken with her in forever, as a matter of fact we were kinda on the outs. She had quit dating and it had seemed like forgotten about all of us that were still going strong.
Well it was a little stiff at first but in a few minutes we were bullshitting like we always did. She had been one of my closest friends, we had lived together off and on and I realized how much I missed having her around. We had a really good time that day and when she left I remember smiling at her and thinking that we would kick it again soon.
Not long after that her boyfriend told me she had gone to jail on some warrants and that she was looking at a year or more. I thought about writing her but never did as I was so caught up in my own little hustle that I couldn't be bothered.
It's funny but when I have thought about going back to Bako to visit , Ash was always one of the first people I would have looked up, Ash, Lora and Drew. It is really ironic that all these months when I've been going over shit in my mind, planning what we would do when I go back, she's been gone.
In the last few years I've lost so many friends that it's hard to keep track sometimes. All dope related. Sara , who I had known since Jr. high died of hep c complications. Sam OD'd in the shower, Mikey fell out and never woke up. The list goes on . Every time I hear about losing another friend, I get the same sad, sick feeling and think that most of them were not even thirty years old yet, I mean fuck!
I always say that I'm not ashamed of anything that I've done and that much is true, I'm not ashamed but my regrets always take me back to the friends I've lost. If I could change anything it would be that, I would bring them all back because they were the greatest bunch of fuck -ups this side of forever and I wish I could see them again. If wishes were horses, junkies would ride, right?
I love you Ash, my beautiful baby and I'm thinking of all the times we had and wishing there were more ahead. I miss all my babies and it never gets any easier...never.