I finally got loaded. Yep, somebody came through for me. I won't go into detail on that except to say that I love the Internet, fucking brilliant! Getting high was superb,it was all that I remembered and more, probably because I hadn't done a shot in like 8 months. When it came I was so excited. I was like a junkie on Christmas morning, you know when you go see your family so you can get all the cards with money and checks in them. It was like that. I was almost afraid to do it, almost but not enough to stop of course. The anticipation and fear only made it better. When I got it in me it was like a religious experience. I worshiped at the junk altar. I am a true believer in the Church of self medication.
It was enough to get me and C. supremely fucked up. It had been like a year and a half for him so he was puking a bit but very, very happy. We always get along so much better when we're high. It's like all the bullshit between us just melts away. We get all touchy-feely and just lay around feeling good. It was nice not to worry about anything and just be. Be loaded, be happy, be myself, instead of this ridiculous half a person that I'm supposed to be. I'm not a housewife, I'm definitely not a productive member of society. If anyone ever asks me what I do for a living, my response is always the same, "As little as fucking possible".
I have always been truthful about my (so called) shortcomings. I'm lazy, a little fucked in the head, counter-productive, over destructive. If I could conceivably lock myself in a room full of Heroin and spend the rest of my life shooting dope I would. Not pretty but it's the truth. OK, maybe not my whole life, I might step out every once in a while to eat or something but for the main part I think I would be happy as a pig in shit.
My dad told me that when he was shooting dope all his friends told him he was so out of control he would "die fixin", this was old school junkie slang for a hard-core addiction (what other kind is there)that almost always ended in OD. He's clean now and has been for years but he transferred his "die fixin" title over to me. I think it was his way of telling me to be careful.
I never worried too much about the dying part and I guess that hasn't really changed. I figure it's the chance you take. I really do believe that the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom, but then again I may just be an ignorant junkie bitch. Go figure. M.
