Friday, June 27, 2008

Waiting for the man

So it's Friday, and you guessed it, I'm sitting here practically levitating out of my chair with anticipation. My week has been fucked due to the fact that I can't stop thinking about Ash. Then, inevitably I start to think about all the others who went before her. My friends have been dropping like flies for the last few years and even though after awhile I stop fixating on it, this recent loss has brought them all fresh to my mind. So naturally I feel as though I deserve to get high. I am entitled to a little mindless recreation (as if I ever need an excuse).
Having only just regained my ability to sit still, you would think that after the last time, I wouldn't be so eager to lay hands on some Dope. In my defense I will point out that any little discomforts I have been experiencing are insignificant in comparison to full blown Dope sickness. That is why I have dubbed it "Dope sick lite". Really it's irritating more than anything else. It will not kill me and in all honesty, I have no problem with the fact that by next week I will be enjoying it again. I have kicked 160 Mg's of methadone cold turkey in county jail, what I have now is a fucking cakewalk.
I try not to get too excited, you know, I don't want to get disappointed if it doesn't show. It usually takes 4 to 5 days to get here but there is always the chance that some do-gooder DEA agent will decide it's time to do a k9 sweep of the postal system. It would be just my luck if that happened, so... I sit here and try to pretend that I don't really care if it doesn't come.

A total fucking lie!

I will probably be devastated and then lapse into a supremely foul mood for the rest of the day. Five hours to go and it seems like an eternity. I wish I knew already, that way I could get on with my day, instead of sitting here like a tool watching the clock.
Oh well, at least it's kept me preoccupied so my mind doesn't drift to more depressing thoughts. I will no doubt continue my vigil until that precise moment when I hear the mail slot creak open and slam shut. Then I will calmly walk to the front door and check for my "special delivery", saying to myself the whole time, "I don't know what you're even checking for, it's not going to be there" while hoping against hope that I am wrong and that I will in a matter of minutes be resuming my part time love affair with a sexy riggful of Dope.
Yes my friends, I said sexy. For me , if I'm being completely honest, a shot of smack is quite possibly the most attractive thing in the world. Don't get me wrong , there are things, people that I love more than H. My little girl and C. are at the top of the list but when it comes to something that can make me forget myself so completely with just a passing glance it is a shot of Heroin, ready to go. I'm not saying that I will forsake anything and everything just to have it, although sometimes (most times) this has been the case. There are a couple things that will make me put my selfish needs aside, mainly the aforementioned C. and our daughter. But seeing as how neither one of them is presently here I am spared any conflicts of interest. I am free to be my selfish, Dope grubbing little self. That is... if it even comes.