Me a victim? Of myself maybe.

I never realized it before but I am pretty fucking upbeat for a junky, I mean I might bitch constantly but that's just my nature. I was born to be a pain in somebody's ass. I guess most addicts are unhappy and that comes through in their writing. I can understand that, we all have our moments. I do get annoyed though when it's like 150 pages of pity party. Poor me I'm an addict, feel sorry for me and my wasted life....wah waaaaaah! Piffle!
I would like to believe that I'm unique in every way but that's probably not true, I guess I'm just more optimistic about my condition than most. A happy go lucky dopefiend, that's me. I'm not trying to sugar coat it, it's not an easy way to live. For alot of people it's no life at all, I know that, I'm not a simpleton.
I've been at both ends of the game, flying high selling and down low just scraping to get by. I won't deny that I had some tough times but for the most part if I was feeling sorry for myself it wasn't because I hated my life, it was because I had no $$$ or dope. That's about as honest as I can be, I mean sure I could spin some yarn about how I saw myself in the gutter and had a moment of clarity when I realized I was a waste of oxygen and would be better off dead but that would be bullsheeeiiit.
Maybe It's just me but if I'm being truthful my pit of despair was dug by lack of smack not self hatred. My poor me attitude beat feet as soon as I got right. To say otherwise would be false.
It's like all those people who find religion....in jail. Motherfuckers who couldn't be bothered to say bless you when someone sneezed are all of a sudden quoting scripture at me? I'm sorry but come the fuck on!
And what are these newly re-birthed disciples of Christ praying for, world peace? Their families well being? NO! It's all about,"Oh Jesus please help me to get a fed cap kick" or "God, please help the DA to lose my paperwork so I get a continuance and can do all of my time in county" HAH! Lord and saviour my ass! Most people only pray when they're in deep shit or they want something and that's the sad truth.
I actually had some of these dipshits try to lay hands on me and 'heal' me when I was locked up and kicking, needless to say it got ugly pretty damn quick and they wasn't offering to pray for me noooo more! Fuck 'em where they breathe, I wasn't religious on the streets why the fuck would I change my tune in lockup? That is fake as all hell and why bother if you're not sincere?
Anyway, all I'm saying is that no matter how many times I hear someone tell me that I'm not being honest about my addiction I feel like I am. I know it's bad for me, I just don't care. I talk about my self destructive tendencies but I don't know if that's even the right way to describe what's up with me. I'm not doing all this shit out of self loathing, I'm doing it because I like to get loaded. I may not like some of the shit that comes along with it but I figure you take the good with the bad and smile or else move the fuck on, it's not for you.
I'm not putting down the people who are genuinely unhappy with their addictions, everyone deals with things differently, all I'm saying is why is it wrong for me to feel OK about it? Why do I have to be miserable, is it some kind of junky pre-requisite? I'm not miserable, even stuck in a shit hole miles away from friends and family.
I've never been comfortable playing the victim, that's just not me. I could turn on poor junky girl in a minute if I wanted to and I have in certain circumstances, when it was to my benefit. Junkies are the best manipulators after all.
I always feel so stupid trying to get sympathy for something I did to myself, "Oh poor me, I never knew shooting Heroin 20 times a day would do this to me, I'm just a victim of ignorance and circumstance" Riiiight.
For me trying to play that card 24/7 would be like trying to put sliced hot dogs in plain spahgetti-o's.....not worth the effort 'cause it's just not authentic. Do I come across as helpless?
I know some girls that got into H because of guys and all that crap and I suppose if they really want to they can say it wasn't their fault but I went out and hunted for it. I specifically set out to score H and I didn't quit til I got what I wanted.
The link thing isnt working so if anyone wants to read that story go back to my 6/23/08 post for the skinny on how I got started. I will say right now, yeah it was fucking stupid! I had no business doing what I did and I'm lucky we didn't all die or get HIV/HepC. I know all that and even now I can't believe I went about it the way I did but if there's one thing that comes across loud and clear, it's that I truly have no one to blame but myself PERIOD! If I have no clue what I'm doing and there's no one to show me and yet I still figure out some way to get it done then yeah, it's my fault.
I'm getting sidetracked and it's probably because I had a phone call from a particularly pathetic Josh who was acting like someone twisted his arm and forced him to become a junky. Poor trust fund baby, nobody loves him waaaaaah! Man up Josh, stop whining like a bitch and take some responsibility for your own actions.
That's it,enough bitching for tonight; everybody have a marvelous weekend, I loves you all, yes even you Josh....you sniveler! Melody

Too lazy to write...much.

Pics of the infamous back room after it got tweeker-fied



Sara, Mindy, me and Petey at motel 6 after we stole the epinephrine from the hospital.Daaaaamn, we look geeked out and tore back! I don't remember who took the pic, Brianna maybe. Dig my red hair.
Sensitive Christian
Anna banana
Regina on my B-day at the old Savoy in SF
Petey at Ed's house, gotta love that ghetto paneling
Frog and Ashley

It's all in the genes

It was so cold today! I'm such a complainer, too hot...too cold, I'm never happy. I think Anna may be moving out here, one of my best homegirls flying to my side, that's friendship! I suppose it doesn't hurt that her husband is getting extradited back to Cali and she doesn't really like the town she's living in, I also promised to help her out with some cash to get a place here. I prefer to think that it's the friendship not all the reasons I just listed but who knows, friendship is a fickle thing sometimes......I won't hold that against her.
I'm sorely tempted to fly to Oregon (or is it Washington?) and collect her myself, just to have something to do. Somehow I don't think that St Helens has an airport, maybe I'll go to Covington first and then coerce Regina into driving me, yeah that sounds better. I can't even imagine the chaos that would descend once we were all together+ Anna's 2 kids.
Before someone goes off on the state of her and her kids, let me say that Anna hasn't done smack since the year 2000 and she doesn't drink anymore or do any other drugs. She's a good mom, if a bit vociferous and her kids are a riot.
Anyway, it's something to think about. I spent most of today in bed because I didn't want to turn on the heater and it was cold as fuck. I read and then read some more, I know super interesting, that's me.
I saw the craziest shit on TV the other day.....heaters being shilled by the Amish! I don't know quite what to think about that. It said that the mantles on these electric fireplaces were made by skilled Amish craftsmen and most of the commercial was a vignette of them performing said craftsmanship. The climax is a shot of an Amish guy driving away in a horse drawn wagon with two of the ridiculous things loaded in the back.It was funny as fuck and I had to go get Casey just to make sure I wasn't imagining things.
I'm sorry but when did the Amish sell out? I'm confused but my knowledge of Amish culture doesn't extend much past having seen Witness so I can't expound on this concept as much as I'd like. Maybe I should do some research so I Can come back and really have at it. Maybe not.
So an older member of my family has recently acquired a boyfriend through some strange twist of fate. This guy just called up one day and started talking to her and being that she's at least 70 yrs old, she had nothing better to do than talk back. Don't get the wrong idea, from what she says he isn't a perv, he's just lonely and needs somebody to talk to. He sings her songs and writes her poetry and it's all kinda sweet. I mean I wouldn't have anything to do with someone who wrote me poetry just as a matter of principle (YUK!), but she seems to like it.
Well all was going good, he told her that initially it had been a wrong number but once he heard her voice, he decided to pursue it. I've heard of stranger shit.
Anyway the reason I'm privy to this information is because they had a fight the other day during which he revealed the shocking news that he is NOT a businessman from Fresno..........he is actually an inmate in Avenal making chancy phone calls on a contraband pre-paid cell he bought from one of the COs. Un-fucking-believable!
So being that I have some experience in these sorts of matters she rang me and gave me his CDC ID# and other pertinent info so I could do a check on him. My uh family member's new boyfriend is a 65 yr old cholo from Orange County who is doing 2 years in Avenal for involvement in a shooting. Niiiice!
This happens to be my mom's side of the family too, it's interesting to note that maybe my self destructive tendencies aren't all passed down from my dad's screwy gene pool.
My mom found out and apparently had a shit fit, snatching the phone away from our hapless relative and threatening to pull his balls out through his nostrils if he so much as showed his face after his release. Go mom! My mother doesn't suffer fools! At least not anymore, since she married this last time (#3 or is it 4?), she has run a tight ship and the only fool allowed aboard is me. She has to 'cause I'm her baby *smirk* and she is obligated to love me.
So anyway, my family is nuts, even the normal ones. My dad's family is a nightmare that would take way too long to dissect.
I love my daddy, even if he is a little psycho and his idea of reverse psychology was telling me what a bad dope dealer I was and that he would never have condescended to dirty his hands with less than 10 pieces. I was nickle and dime-ing it according to him and unless I wanted to shame the family I needed to graduate from grams to pieces pronto! I was happy to oblige and daddy was astounded that I took to it like I did, I guess I got his head for business. *snicker*
It was kinda weird dealing with the same people as my dad had, years before. Most of my connects either knew him or knew of him and he never let me forget that he could have me cut off if he so desired. Hmmmph! I'd like to have seen him try! My daddy's famous for all the wrong reasons and I was buying, selling and shooting with some of the same people who had seen me as a newborn. Crazy!
My dad's funny and even though he scares the shit outta Casey we have a pretty good time hanging out with him. He stopped using years and years before I started and has stayed clean which is good....for him. I always get a kick out of his war stories where he is this INSANE heroin addict/dealer who was so hardcore that people OD'd on his cottons. Sure dad, whatever. I'm beginning to see where I get my delusions of grandeur. He's all covered in prison ink and he looks a lil intimidating but he's my Father and he isn't the hell-raising, junk-dealing biker that he used to be. He still flies his colors but for the most part he's settled.
My mom refuses to utter his name and I suppose I don't blame her, it couldn't have been easy for her. She was a proper young thing and to this day I still can't get either of them to tell me how the fuck they ended up together. I know it wasn't because of me, I was born 2 years after they married. Oh well, another mystery.
My mom's parents always acted like he was the proverbial bogey man, actually her whole family did. She must've been pretty determined to have him, maybe she was going through a bad boy phase, I can sympathize with that, mine never ended. I'm just more suited to it than she was, obviously.
They were both really young and my mom was spoiled as all get out so if she threw a tantrum I can see my Grandfather caving in, my Grandmother would have washed her hands of the entire situation by that point. I hear my Dad supported them in fine style and even turned down the house my mom's parents offered them as a wedding present, so it wasn't her money that he was interested in, I guess on some level opposites really do attract. Ancient history.
I'ma go now, after giving you-all a peek into the insanity that is my family tree I'm spent and the need to smoke is overwhelming and *sigh*yes I have to drag my ass out into the freezing night air to do it, YAY! Loves you, Melody

My not-so-glorious glory days

I was having a convo with Regina the other day and she asked me if it was true that I sold off my horses for smack. Ummmmm weeeeell, I guess you could say that technically I did NOT sell them for drugs.....I sold them for money....which I then used to buy dope. I also used some of the $$ to help fund the ill-fated "Vegas trip" that I took with Ed and Mike H. I won't get into all that but I'll say that Vegas is OVERRATED and their H sucked! From that point on I lost any desire to ever go there again.
The horse thing isn't really as bad as it sounds, it needed to be done because I had been spending zero time taking care of them for months and was having to pay to have them groomed, exercised etc. It's not like I hocked 'em to the glue factory for a quick buck, they went to good homes with people who had the time and energy to treat them as they deserved. I guess when Adam told her that I had done it, he made it sound like I traded them to some Pisa connect....fucker!
I've been demonized so much that my old friends will believe just about anything they hear about me. That's not to say that alot of that shit isn't true, I mean every rumor has a grain of truth to it. I'm just not as ruthless as I'm made out to be, sometimes I wish I was. If I was totally conscience-less I could have pulled alot more shit since I wouldn't feel bad about it afterwards. Yes people, I DO have a conscience, it's sadly neglected but it's there.
I never really worry about what I'm doing to myself but I do have a problem fucking off other people, not exactly what junkies are known for but I guess I'm not your average junky. I pulled some shit in my day, don't get me wrong but it was generally boosting, manipulating, scams, driving, that sort of stuff. I was NOT one of those people who robbed connects or my friends, fuck that! The last guy I knew who set himself up robbing connections was diced up into tiny pieces that they are probably still finding scattered all around Hart park. All the M connected Pisa's threw in together and had him disposed of.....NOT pleasant!
It snowed this morning but it probably won't stick, Casey is up in Colorado today and will be out til late, lucky me. I bored and I really don't like the snow, it makes it a pain to go outside and smoke and God forbid I was to smoke in the house, Casey would have kittens! Nazi!
I can appreciate the fact the the house doesn't smell like an ashtray but sometimes dragging my lazy ass outside is too much, especially when it's cold. He has a nose like a freakin' bloodhound too, so even if I tried to sneak a smoke inside he would know and pitch a fit.....tyrant!
I'm just pissy because I was just out in that shit and it sucks ass.
So Regina and I talked about all the fucked up shit Adam told her I was up to and I denied or confirmed what she had heard. We spent most of the time talking smack and re-hashing all the crap we used to get up to. I forgot alot of it, I think cooking up on the bottoms of beer cans was probably not a good idea and has given me early onset Alzheimer's or something. We keep remembering all kinds of shit that really makes us look like assholes but I guess we kinda were. Peter says we were always mean and bitchy.....look who's talking!
Now that I think back on some of the shit we did, I have to agree, it was pretty fucked up. Some of the girls who dared to try and insinuate themselves within the group got their asses beat and God help them if they showed up sporting a fresh Mohawk....that shit was hacked off quick! The 'project' girls got it the worst, these were complete unknowns that the guys would make over into little wannabe punkettes and bring downtown. BIG mistake....fuck we were assholes! I feel bad for our guy friends back then, they had a helluva time getting laid because of us and we weren't sleeping with 'em.....mostly. Sluts were not tolerated, the most promiscuous girl in our midst was Sara but that was OK 'cause Sara was family, she could fuck indiscriminately.
Anna tried to deny any involvement so I had to remind her that on several occasions she was the one threatening the poor girl(s) with a smiley to the head if they dared to resist whatever the fuck we were doing to them. If I'm mean Anna is terrifying! She once cleared the house of drunken rockabilly's that were wreaking havoc while an equally fucked up Regina and myself tried in vain to stay out of their slobbery grasp. She chased several out of my bedroom with nothing but a bad attitude and a bondage belt and kicked the shit out of the one that had handcuffed Regina to the radiator. Anna also happened to be like 20 months pregnant at the time.Fuckin' Anna banana is a scrappy bitch! Ahhh youth.
I feel kinda sorta bad about some of the stuff we did back then, all in the name of "I'm more punk than you" which is really fucking stupid when you think about it.
I let all that shit go after I got strung out, more important stuff to worry about....like getting high. Smack definitely mellowed me out.....mostly.
I still get mean on occasion, Regina is still a holy terror but now she just takes it out on her husband and Anna is in constant conflict with her neighbors so I guess maybe we haven't changed so much after all. To all those girls who got chased through alleys and shorn like sheep, I apologize........mostly:)

A Stepford kinda day

So I have a new reader. This isn't that unusual but I happen to have a pretty close connection to this one....it's Casey's younger sister C. Since I'm not too sure she wants to be outed on my not-so-PG blog I'll be nice and just keep it down to the initial. Say hi to C. everybody "HI C." Haha hi-C like the fuckin juice box.
Anyway I guess she'll let me know how she feels about the whole thing, I tried to warn her that she might be a little freaked out by what she reads here.....maybe just a little.
Besides that I seem to have been possessed by some crazy house cleaning Demon! I wonder if this is retaliation for my derogatory comments about the Church of Satan? I have been overcome by this horrific need to clean EVERYTHING! I am such a natural slob that housework is a drag of massive proportions but today I actually found myself looking forward to it. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
Never in my deepest darkest nightmares did I ever imagine that I would be one of those people who actually wipes out the sink after using it, I mean it's a fucking sink, it's supposed to get wet. I am ashamed to say that I not only wiped it dry after I did the dishes but I continued to do so after each use. Unbelievable!
I cleaned all the windows and floors, which I despise doing and on top of that did something like ten loads of laundry.I was totally fucking sober people!
I know some of you may be thinking that Rainman paid me a visit and slipped me some go powder but that's not the case, besides which I am even more useless all geeked out than I am normally. I am NOT one of those productive tweekers that cleans and does crafts and shit, uh-uh not me. I tweek off on tweekin off! If you don't know what that means I'll explain, it means that instead of finding something constructive to concentrate all that meth energy on I just sit like a dumbass and let my thoughts swirl 'round my head while periodically hitting the pipe and/or needle. Oh and I smoke like a fucking refinery too.
If I had been spun, I would have been sitting in the same spot for so long that my muscles would be semi-atrophied and you better believe the house would be no cleaner than it was yesterday. I am so confused.
I finally slept today for like four hours and I feel so much better, I'm thinking of putting the H on the back burner til sometime next week, maybe next weekend, that way I can give myself a little more time to get normal. I'm afraid if I do it too soon it will launch me right back into feeling crappy again and I don't want that. I've done that so much and it sucks! One week on, four days off, three days on , two days off and never long enough to get completely right in between. It's a shitty cycle to be stuck in and I'd like to avoid it if at all possible. Who knows, I could say that tonight and fuck it all off tomorrow, I'm inconsistent as a motherfucker.
Are motherfuckers inconsistent? I'll have to give that some thought.
I hope that cleaning jag was a one time thing because it would totally freak me out if it became permanent, it goes against my very nature as a lazy ass of the highest degree. If there's one thing I know with all my heart and soul it's that being productive is as unnatural to me as being responsible, I mean I can do it if I absolutely have to but it's not a happy occasion.
We'll see I suppose.
Anyway I'll go now before I put y'all to sleep with my oh-so-interesting commentary. Nighty-night kids XOXO, Melody

Universally abhorred......I mean adored!

I can only appreciate the fact that people who wish I was never born (no not my parents), are bouncing my blog back and forth across the net. As I said in my comments, I think that it is the ultimate sweet irony that the fucktards who hate me the most are just helping me to piss even more people off. I imagine them curling their lip in disgust over my latest post.........right before they click the forward button and send me spiraling through cyberspace to piss off one of their equally anal friends. I fuckin' LOVES it!
SUCKERS!
I wish y'all would get it through your dense fucking heads that there is nothing you can say that will upset me. I have been called worse by better people than you and it didn't bother me then so why the fuck would I let it get to me now?
I love how everyone thinks that calling me trashy is such an insult, it's not. I can understand if I was trying to come off all pristine and shit but I'm not. I've never denied who I am, what I am and most of all I've never altered my opinion based on what someone else thinks I should do or say. Fuck that!
I said this before in my comments but since I am sooo brilliant and my genius never gets old, I will say it again:
"I really don't care what you(anon fucktards ect.) think of me, if I did I wouldn't be posting all my bullshit in the first place, I have better things to worry about than whether some anon jerk off has a high opinion of me or not.
We're both losers you moron(s), I just have the guts to say it where as you are either too dim or self involved to realize just how much of a loser you really are."
Fuck I love quoting myself!
Anyway I'm sure some dipshit who isn't familiar with me in the least will read that and say, "If you don't care about the haters, then why are you responding to them?"
Well I am a contrary bitch and although I don't care, their inane comments give me something to bitch about and bitching about random shit is my reason for being.......that and spending time with my beloved H. Oh and Casey too:) love ya babe!
So keep it up fuckers, I will continue to oblige y'all by writing whatever the fuck I want and if you don't like it then tough shit, don't read it.........but be sure and forward it to your friends. Kisses bitches, Melody
PS. Everyone else (non fucktards), Mucho amor Babies, M.

Miscellaneous bullshit.....as usual

I sooooo tired right now, I have slept for shit! Not really as bad as it could be, I suppose it had to catch up sometime. Fuckit!
I spent this weekend at home reading like the good boring girl that I am. I went through Faithful, the Marianne Faithful autobiography and I re read I'm with the band. I usually have 2 0r 3 books going all at once, depending on which part of the house I'm in. A different one for each room.
Casey spent his time playing WoW.......UGHGHGHGHG! I hate that shit so much but I won't go into to it, it would take too long.
I guess the fact that I could sit still long enough to read says something for the way I'm feeling, it has been a super mild kind of restlessness that only makes itself known when I try to sleep. I'm over it, besides as usual I have no one to blame but myself.
I sat through some hideous documentary last night. It was all about the church of Satan. I find it really laughable that the people involved in that scene don't see how ridiculous it all is. If you have to swear your allegiance to a little bespectacled man dressed in a dime store devil costume, complete with goobery stuffed horns and a tail something is not right. How the fuck can they look at that moron and keep a straight face? If I was the devil I'd be pissed!
My week is spread out before me like an endless map of nothing! I am bored and tired and cranky and probably not fit company for anyone. I can't stand myself right now, I wouldn't expect anyone else to.
The whole thing with Richie and Eric is a shambles, I haven't gone into it because it's so......confused, I can't even really make out what is going on. The bond got revoked...I think. They went to court and got gaffled up and have been sitting in pre-trial ever since. Some cocksucker judge considered them a flight risk....I think. The whole thing is pretty unclear at this point so I'll wait til later to give Y'all the update.
A special note for Josh, I think you must be on some kind of masochistic kick. Are you really that eager to mindfuck yourself over someone who isn't even in the same state? Sweetheart, you need to get out more, seriously! I know you were loaded when you commented, it was kinda obvious but being loaded doesn't mean you have to sit at home and be a douchebag all day and night. What happened to my little social butterfly? Get your ass up and out the door, maybe if you had something to occupy your time I wouldn't keep getting lame-ass commentary from you. Eddie! Do something about this PLEASE!
So that's it for now, another scintillating update from moi, XOXO, Melody