Who says there's no rest for the wicked?
I have been trying hard to spew forth a story involving Butch and various other characters from past and present but these things take time and although I have nothing but....I am lazy. I can say that with a total lack of shame because I gave up caring what people thought of me a long time ago, anyone who doesn't like me can go get fucked. I'm no closer now than I ever was to gnawing through my wrists in despair because someone *gasp* didn't like me. Sorry kids, it just ain't gonna happen.
I have been running the gamut as far as emotions go and yes I do have emotions. I am not the sociopath I have been accused of being. I feel pain and anguish just like everybody else does, I just have a quicker recovery time. The fact that I have stepped as far from guilt as is humanly possible probably helps, people would be astonished to learn how thoroughly guilt effects every other emotion. It's like liquor with a heroin chaser, to be avoided at all costs and if you persist in using it, it WILL eventually kill you.
Guilt will make any sorrow increase 100 fold. Guilt will make a seemingly happy person almost manic with the need to keep it at bay.....but to no avail. It will be there waiting to crush them at the most inopportune moment. Usually when they need it the least and it can cause the most trauma to an already delicate psyche.
Now above I mentioned people "using" guilt and that is exactly what I meant. In the traditional sense, one might use guilt against another person to further your own ends but that is not my meaning at all. I am going to expose something far more sinister than the ever popular and OVER abused guilt trip...oh yes. The guilt crutch.
The guilt crutch is what happens when a person has suffered traumatic experience(s) and cannot stop blaming themselves. It goes way beyond what would be called mourning or even hindsight. These people have crippled themselves so badly that their guilt has turned into a crutch, a crutch they NEED in order to shift that handicapped psyche from one place of pain to the next. It becomes an excuse to avoid change and acceptance, a subconscious excuse but an excuse just the same.
They will use this crutch as a sort of twisted conscience, a demonic and misshapen Jimminy Cricket whispering doubts and insecurities in their ear. Reminding them of previous tragedies with a malevolent, "Remember what happened last time....?" It will try and disguise itself as foresight but it is not so. Foresight is the twin of Hindsight and Hindsight is perhaps the most insidious form of guilt imaginable.
Hindsight creeps up on you disguised as memory and nostalgia and it waits. It waits until you are unsuspecting and vulnerable and then it kneecaps you, furthering need of the crutch. Hindsight is Guilt's chief enforcer.
Now before I go any further, I want to make it clear that most people who are crippled by guilt are not cognizant of that fact. They may not even realize that guilt is the root of their issues, they may even think that they are simply unhappy or depressed. It is up to others to (gently), apprise them of their situation and do whatever they can to help them overcome it. If that doesn't work and depending on how close you are to the person, it may be time for some plain speaking.
I have no problem telling Anna I think she's being a retard when it comes to some of the things relating to Butch. I love her therefore I hold nothing back. I will never say anything to purposely hurt her but I will tell her I think she's being an idiot if that is in fact how I feel and I expect the same from her. It's not being heartless, it's being honest to a dear friend who has lost her way and I'll be damned if I sit back and watch her cripple herself in a fit of hindsight and what ifs. No one deserves that...no one.
As a mater of fact, she may be reading this right now and if she is, "I love you Anna, stop being a retard!" She is too good to be an emotional cripple and I damn well know that scrappy ass Anna Banana don't need no fucking crutch! Unless it's to crack you over the head with it!
I'm sure I'll get some know it all anon who will try to tell me that my use of drugs and Heroin in particular is as big a crutch as guilt and to this I say, "Who the fuck asked you?"
To ward off any such comments I will address that now :
Drugs can be the biggest crutch in the world to some people, just like religion is to others (they don't call it the opiate of the masses for nothing), and even AA or NA can become more of a crutch than a support system. Anything can be applied, but not everything can cause the harm that Guilt is capable of. Drugs can wreak havoc, we all know that but I still maintain that it is not so much the Heroin as it is the lifestyle it leads to that brings harm. It is the things we do in pursuit of it that cause destruction.
I have no need for crutches, I am more than capable of walking on my own. I have no need to escape any past or present realities, I am not running from myself. This is who I am and I refuse to apologize for it, anyone who is uncomfortable with it can walk away and never look back. My choices, bad or otherwise are not dictated by some inner drive to forget. I make my own choices and live with the consequences, they are not a fate worse than death. Anyone who is thinking of spouting tired NA platitudes in my direction need not bother, I'm quite familiar with them and have no desire to hear/read them again. But if you must you must.........I AM a comment whore after all.
So I'm not really sure where this is going other than it gave me an opportunity to talk about myself, which I LOVE and a chance to try and dislodge the stranglehold that guilt has over 90% of the population. Let it go my loves, it's not worth it.
XOXO, Melody Lee
Isn't it funny that I am never too lazy to blather on about some random topic when the mood strikes me?