Thursday, May 28, 2009

Give a monkey a laptop...

...and it will write you 10,000 word dissertation on the science of flinging feces. It may be informative but it will not be the least bit readable and it will definitely not be entertaining...unless you happen to be a monkey.
I have no problem with people taking offense at my uh...unique point of view, in fact I encourage it because it gives me something to snigger at. It also presents me with the opportunity to argue my case and since I LIVE to bitch, well you know...
My main issue with these rants is that they are so poorly executed that I lose focus after two paragraphs. I find my mind wandering and it's extremely disappointing! How the fuck am I supposed to absorb the full effects of the criticism if their diatribe reads like stereo instructions? It's offensive! Much more offensive than the actual insult.
I find myself wishing that this person had payed a bit more attention during English class or at least taken a 3 hour course in creative writing. How can I be expected to come up with a serious rebuttal when my opponent has the reading comprehension of an 8 yr old orangutang? It's hard to take it to heart when the person insulting you may be technically retarded. I find it beyond boring that these people always fall back on the same tired old insults. Whore, junky, deviant....DUH!!! At least I'm not an illiterate mongoloid.
Do something original and tell me what a narcissistic cunt I am for writing page after page of bullshit about myself! Mention my smug self assurance that comes from a ridiculous sense of entitlement and self delusion. Bring up the fact that I'm an indulgent brat and that I am basically a waste of space. Really, I'm of no use to anyone and barely of any use to myself, these things aren't difficult to figure out...unless you happen to be a technically retarded baboon.
Make it funny and clever, something that makes me giggle even though I know it's all about me. It should be witty and sarcastic and a joy to read, not something that makes an insurance pamphlet seem titillating by comparison. Make us laugh, it's not that hard and ....fuck it.
*sigh* I suppose it's no use and if I have to tutor someone on the fine art of talking shit, that takes all the fun out of it. Being the useless creature that I am, I have no time for that, I am much too busy doing nothing to take time out of my day to teach the value of comedy and irony to a mentally deficient chimp.
I am going to end this now as I have pressing business to attend to, I must finish writing about my last tweeker adventure and I must also make some random phone calls to the junky underground in preparation for my trip. After that, I may or may not take some pills and I am seriously contemplating another visit to Espanola. I have almost a week clean and it's just my style to go and fuck that all up just because I can. Anna might come unglued if I do this, so it needs careful consideration...
Give a junky a laptop and she will write you a 10,000 word dissertation on the science of flinging feces.....but at least it'll be entertaining.
Melody Lee signing out.