Sunday, September 15, 2013

Harlot of Mass Destruction

Back in Cali, Bitchesssss! Haha, yeah. I did it, I packed my worthless ass up and came home. It never stopped being home, I know that now. I'll get into the 'feelings' bullshit some other time, that aspect of my change of address SO does not interest me right now. What does interest me is how much of an absolute harlot of mass destruction I am. Like for serious!

I've came to realize that somewhere in my convoluted little brain, I have a mis-fire (one of many), that makes me feel entitled to past boyfriends. Like if you've ever been mine, I still have rights to  you, even if you currently belong to someone else. Because you were mine first.

I know this doesn't make a lot of sense and I myself wasn't aware of it until I came back. I also know that my sexy ex-y's won't always be amenable to 'reconnecting' and that's fine BUT, if they are...ugh, look the fuck out! Show any sign of weakness and you're done for. At least if I decide I want you in return. Which I might, if the following is any indication. Sigh.

I contacted one of my ex's (K), so that I could do a favor for Eric and it was all over from there. We exchanged a few vague texts and said we'd hang out sometime and I thought that was it. I mean, he'd mentioned his girlfriend so many times that I was like...damn dude, I get it, you're seeing someone. I figured he was just setting some boundaries up front, because lets face it, he has been with me in the past, he knows me. A little too well.

Due to the non-committal tone I was getting from the 'lets hangout soon' I didn't really see it happening. Maybe we'd run into each other downtown sometime but not on purpose. I was wrong. Evidently he only needed a couple days to let the disease that is ME, steep into his system; he called on Wednesday night and asked if he could thru on Thursday. (there's this whole house arrest thing happening that I'll explain later). But the family was gone alllll day, so I was clear for the next 48 hrs.

He didn't mention dope, so I left it alone. He was clean and trying to be good about maintaining, which was why I hadn't pushed him about it. I can always score somewhere else, no big deal. I'm not exactly clean but I can use at my own discretion. I prepared myself for a long day of catching up (meh), and not doing heroin (double meh). He surprised me on both.

When he showed up, he looked good. Healthy but not with that sometimes bloated Methadone look. He wasn't on that anymore either. I opened the door and he looked at me kinda weird, hugged me for a few mins and said he'd missed me. I responded in kind, he hadn't been here long enough for me to decide if I'd missed him or not but saying so might be construed as rude. He smelled nice though...for a big sweaty jerk.

He told me he'd called "Billy" on the way over and he was gonna drop by with something. K wanted to get high, lay in bed and nod out watching movies, like we had in the old days. I was not hating the idea, having had a few more minutes to consider, I decided that I HAD missed him. How much exactly, became relative to the amount of time he was here. By nightfall I'd missed him more than any-goddamn-body I could think of. HOW had I existed all this time without him??? Yeah. Anyway.

We went to smoke and wait for B and apparently the passing of time had an effect on him as well, coz the longer we stood there, the closer he got to me. Until finally he pulled me onto his lap, his arms around me holding me against him and sharing a cigarette. It felt disturbingly familiar and way too comfortable. Then when we got up to go inside, he kissed me. It was very g-rated but still not something his girlfriend would appreciate.

Unfortunately, my concern for his girlfriend was evaporating faster than fuuuuuuck. I basically forgot she even existed...or no, I knew she did, I just stopped caring. A significant part of me was elated by the fact that he would still be into me after all I'd done to him in the past. That I could still make him want me, even though he'd been loving someone else for almost 2 years. Did I mention that this 'significant part' of me is pure concentrated evil? Hmmm, I thought not. Though I'm sure everyone is aware....

So we get the shit, I fix it up and we do our respective shots and I can already see where this is going. We've too easily fallen back into the routine of so many years ago. He finishes, comes over and pulls the needle out of me, licks the blood off and rinses it. And I'm lost, just like that, just like he knew I would be.

The rest of the day/night/next morning was spent getting high and doing shit that no girlfriend EVER deserves to hear about. I didn't fuck him but does that even matter? I did enough. And I knew it was jacked up and I didn't care...coz he was mine first. Until I threw him away. And now I'm not even sure I want him back? I just want to see if I can get him? What in the fuck is my problem!?!

She'd been texting him continuously, like her GF-sense was tingling and when I made some comment about him getting in trouble, he said he didn't care and turned off his phone. For the next 20 hours. That girl had to sit and wonder where the fuck he was  for a whole day and night and me? I laughed. I laughed when he said it and I laughed louder when he did it. Because I'm an evil cunt and evidently I need validation from someone who isn't nearly well equipped enough to deal with my brand of crazy. Because although I don't regret leaving Casey (did I mention that? haha), I am just not used to being alone anymore.

By far the most dangerous thing about K is that when we were together, it was good. It was fucked up and fun and we turned every day looking to score, into a game that always ended with some sort of sexual shenanigans once we'd gotten well. It was during a time when we were both so young and stupid that it could be a game and wildly romanticized.

How it ended was entirely my fault, as it usually is. He was too sweet, too affectionate, too complimentary...too in love. I started to feel overwhelmed and like I couldn't possibly live up to what he thought we had. I was too dumb to know that he was in love with me, not the lifestyle we'd immersed ourselves in.

I was also being selfish and Casey was back in the picture. I'd started seeing him as well as K and in one deftly destructive move, I made sure K knew it. This involved letting Casey do some super inappropriate shit to me while K was laying half nodded on the other side of us.

Of course he caught on and of course I said something ridiculous like "I'm sorry babe, I thought you'd be into it *pout* after all, you and Casey? What girl wouldn't want that?" Ugh. I was SUCH a lame cow! It broke his fucking heart and even though he was willing to let it go, I did some other shit that made it impossible.

I feigned various illnesses and eventually dipped out to Europe with my mom. K didn't even know I was back until I sent Ed and Adam over to pick up my records a month and a half later. It was brutal, not well done of me at all. I was told he cried but they could've just said that coz they're assholes and thought it was funny.

Did I also forget to mention that I got him started on H? Yeah, I thought maybe I had. Fuck. He came to me looking for it and I gave it to him, knowing what would happen. I even told him what would happen but like so many people do, he thought he could handle it. We all know how that turns out.

I'd been strungout for a couple years when we split but he was just a baby junky, only having used during the time we'd been together. After that Europe thing he really dove in and has even said that I made him what he is. Or what he was, which is to say, a heroin addict for the last 16 yrs or so. Cool huh? Yay me.

So anyone who knows us in real life will probably realize who I'm talking about, it's a pretty well known story in this town. I wrote about it before and trivialized it, like an asshole. It wasn't real to me anymore, I hadn't seen him in so long. It was just a story.

Fortunately for him, this story has been played out so many times, in such similar ways, that it really only narrows his possible identity to a handful. Yup, I'm an a-fucking-trocious human being. You heard it here first. Or not.

So now I'm at odds with how to proceed. Anna tells me he didn't seem to like his GF too much to begin with, the way he was talking to and about her. I tell Anna that this is irrelevant coz *rolling eyes* just is. Peter tells me to take him if I want him and the only problem with that is: I don't know if I should wreck someones life on a whim because I haven't acclimated to being on my own yet.

Becca tells me to have fun and don't get caught. And K? He hasn't said too much but when Anna dared snark at the grope-fest, he said "Oh shut the fuck up, Anna! This is what we do. If she finds out, she knows what to do...fuck her."

So I guess that's it. Fuck her. Somebody should; Coz it looks as if he may be busy with me for awhile...UNLESS. Unless he's wised up and blows me off, as well he should. I deserve it and then some.