Sunday, January 30, 2011

It's The Little Things...

I cut my bangs and now look a little too much like I'm trying to channel Bettie Page, I'm not. I was going more for Tura Satana but whatever, they'll grow out. Not especially interesting to anyone but myself. Isn't that a kick in the cunt, Melody Lee being all self involved again?

Speaking of vagina, I have had it with that douchebag Edward from Twilight! What a disgustingly pussified excuse for a vampire. As I am fairly certain that he has a cunt, I say here and now that I would love nothing more than to kick him in it. Man up, pantywaist!
Christ, I feel saddened that millions of girls are even now fantasizing about this dildo, saddened and embarrassed that my gender could be so ridiculously pie eyed over that sullen chump. He's like a vegan Vampire, stop and think about how stupid that is...Twi-tards ugh, grow up! I know that I'm going on about something that is completely fictional but I can't help it, his weird, sappy face is everywhere, it's unavoidable.
And on the topic of unavoidable, I assume everyone has seen the commercial for the Men's Shake-Weight? Ohhhhhh Myyyyyyy Gawdddddd! If seeing dudes pant and sigh whilst manipulating an obvious handjob training apparatus wasn't enough, throw in the fact that they all look like they dabble in Ukrainian gay porn. When I saw one flinch as though he were expecting a wad in the eye, I was sold! I felt I must purchase one for Maniac immediately! Did you know they deliver that bitch in like 3 days?
The look on his face was priceless! I haven't laughed so hard since I heard Wynonna Judd was selling her new album exclusively at Cracker Barrel! It's the little things that make life worth living, don't you agree? I chose to ignore his threats to bludgeon me with the thing, I like to think it was just his way of saying thank you. I especially enjoyed filling out the card, which detailed the many benefits he and (his undercover lover) Rainman could expect once he began his shake weight training.
As Maniac still vehemently denies any such relationship exists, he was less than pleased . R-man just shook his head and laughed, though his new girlfriend seemed a bit put out by the whole thing. I loathe new girlfriends, they're always so uptight and serious.
Why can none of the guys I know find a girl that is less of a drag and more like, Haha, I'm an amazing girlfriend, especially if you're a heroin addict. I will never argue about drugs, unless your sheisty ass is trying to get over on me and I am second to none when it comes to hitting ridiculously difficult veins. I will shoot dope into your IV at the hospital so you don't get sick and I will even pack gauze into icky wounds after they get sliced by the doctor.
No hysterics when you come home covered in gore and ask me to help disassemble, burn and bury gun/blade/clothing etc and I can always be counted upon to lie to your parole officer. I will even put money on your books and bring you “packages” as often as I can and as long as I myself am not wanted. What more could you want?
On the other hand, I suppose I have been a holy fucking terror of an old lady to all those fools who thought they could reform me. They shoulda known better, I did. There's only one fix I'm interested in and it ain't gonna save my soul.
OK, so maybe I’m mouthy and a pain in the ass and should you ever try to discipline me with your fists I will most likely cut your junk off but aside from that? Haha...
OK, all fun aside, here's my PSA for the year: If you read about me doing something that sounds utterly reckless and abominably stupid, it stands to reason that it would be best not to follow my example. I am not the most careful person in the world, I do irresponsible shit and I really don't weigh consequences. I'm technically a mess, I just wear it well *wink*. I don't want someone pushing up weeds because they read about something I barely walked away from and they aren't as lucky. DON'T DO IT!
I stopped turning people onto H a long time ago, right around the time I realized that it's not always the funnest thing in the world to maintain. It's hard work and you need a willingness to do what it takes, whatever that might be. Not everyone can manage it and not everyone wants to, again, I'm not special, just lucky and maybe more than a little obtuse. Like I said in comments God looks after morons, babies and assholes and I'm no baby, so y'all connect the dots.
Alright, enough with the preachy shit, it's so not me but I felt I must because Gleds brought it up in regards to his own comments and it made a helluva lotta sense. I said it, I'm done and that's it til next year, haha.

~Melody Lee, over and out.