Tuesday, September 1, 2009

American Me...gone retarded! Part uno

Me laying in someone's bed, doesn't matter who, it's not important and I don't remember anyway.

So we rolled up to Loco's place and I was already feeling jumpy. I had managed to keep the boys from hitting the Cryssy on the ride up (no easy feat) so the only thing I was amped on was stupidity. I lagged behind Joker and Adrian and grabbed Maniac so we could have a little powow before going inside.
He was smirking at me, so I reached out and pinched him, I was so not in the mood for his buffoonery! He jumped back and said, "Cabrona! What the fuck did you do that for?"
"Because you're enjoying this even though you know it's not a good idea! You dick, why the hell didn't you tell me we were coming here? The last time I saw your psycho cousin, he tongue raped my throat!"
"That wasn't the last time heheh, that was before...."
"Fuckin retardado what difference does it make? Point is that it happened, is he gonna trip on me and Adrian?"
"Fuck if I know, what do I look like, Rip Torn?"
"What? That makes NO sense! It's Rip Taylor you moron!"
"Whatever, that joto with the glitter, you know what I mean."
"Ugh, I can't deal with you right now! Are you gonna be a chickenshit and forget I'm a homegirl if your family gets outta control?"
"Chica, I ain't no chickenshit, don't sweat it, he'll be cool..."
Loco's ears musta been burning because he chose that moment to stick his head out the door and call us inside. He seemed to be in a decent mood (see cracked-out beyond belief) and I tried to relax, resisting the urge to throw his arm offf my shoulder. I looked for Ade as soon as we got inside and saw him leaning against the wall in the living room, waiting for me. SO cute!
Really I shoulda known better, the tension in the air was exacerbated by the people huddled around crack stems, puffing away. I started to walk to Adrian, trying to slither out from under Loco's arm but he grabbed me by the belt loops and pulled me back. I was already cognizant of sweaty cholo prints appearing all over my anatomy, this was taking a turn for the worst. I didn't even have the dubious protection of Rainman's presence, at least that would have kept L in check, he wouldn't want to fuck a business contact.
I was maneuvered back onto the couch and found myself in the hot seat as he asked me," Why you don't come around no more? You come here with the huerro (Adrian) but you can't come kick it with me?"
I tried scooting back but he just moved closer. "I haven't been going out at all" I told him," just keeping my ass home..."
He leaned back, "That ain't what I heard, I heard you been going to Espy and fucking around with that fool Jesse, that's a chump move girl, you know that tecate shit ain't no good."
I took a series of deep breaths, trying to stay calm. I was halfway successful when he added, "You need somebody to get you straight, that chiva is poison and you're better than that. Your old man don't keep you in line you need a..."
"Real man?" I ground out, fighting to maintain my composure. I glanced up at Adrian and saw him measuring the sitch. Maniac was so engrossed in our conversation that he was actually leaning forward on the edge of his seat, I wanted nothing more than to reach out and pinch him again! If I didn't get control of this it was gonna get ugly quick! I decided that I would hafta distract Loco before A did something stupid, after all, I was fairly sure that he wouldn't stab me with a carpentry implement.
It's not what you think although I'm sure blowing him would have been equally effective; I chose confrontation over fellatio. "Yeah, I've heard you say that before, matter of fact you've said it every time I've been by! It's getting old sweetheart, your CD's skipping, maybe if I smack you it'll change up?"

I heard Joker murmur, "Oh shit!" about the same time that Maniac let out a snort of laughter. Loco gave him a look and turned to me, "You sayin you gonna smack me heina?"

I stood up and took a step back (I may be crazy but I ain't stupid!),"You heard me and I'm not your heina, remember that fool. You're taking a whole lot for granted considering we've never been naked together. NO, I take that back because even the guys who have fucked me know better than to try and tell me what I do and don't need."

"That's 'cause they're a bunch of pussies heina, they don't got the huevos to tell it straight. They all eat your shit and when you're done they just sit back and wag their tails like a bunch of perros, waiting for more." He pointed at Adrian," Check that pendejo over there, cruising around with blue balls just 'cause he's too much of a pussy to do anything about it. Oye Adrian, no tengas esperanzas que esta loca te va dar un pedaso, esa no quere chavos, necessita..." *translates to: Listen Adrian, don't hold out hope this crazy bitch is gonna break you off, homegirl doesn't want little boys she needs...
"A REAL MAN???" I spat out, "Un propio hombre que sabe como controlar una perra venenosa como yo?" *A real man who knows how to control a poisonous bitch like myself?
I felt like the top off my head was gonna explode! Ade pushed off the wall and started coming at Loco but Jokes and a couple of guys I didn't know held him back, "Get him the fuck outta here and keep him out!" I yelled at Joker, "I'll be Godamned if he gets himself stuck over this shit!"
He was still talking smack to Loco when they dragged him from the house and L called out, "Que te dije huerro? No quere mamalones hahaha!" *What did I tell you whiteboy, she don't want no tittybabys.
I hated chopping off his balls like that but what could I do? These fools would cut him down as soon as look at him or worse, I didn't want to be responsible for that, no way.
I waited for Joker to come back (minus Adrian) and then turned my displeasure on the cholo fuckwad standing before me, "You..." I choked out, "are the most insufferable....the most overbearing, delusional, pompous..."

"Orale Joker?" I heard Maniac whisper, "Que quere disir un pom-pus? Is that good?"

I almost lost it and started laughing when I heard Jokes say,"No burro, it's not good! Shut the fuck up and stop asking pendejeras!*muttering* Un pom-pus....pinche retardado!"
"Oye primo why the hell is everybody calling me retardado today?" Maniac asked Loco, effectively turning the attention away from me and onto himself.
"That's 'cause you are, homes."
I let out an exasperated sigh and rolled my eyes at the room in general but was totally relieved that Maniac had come through for me. Loco was so rocked-out, he had crack-head ADD and forgot we were arguing, "So heina, I was just telling you that you need to come stay with me so you can get straight and stop fucking with that chiva."
"Grrrr, you live in a rock-house fool! How would you suggest I get clean here?"
"I could think of something to keep you busy..."
"You two are gonna make me regurgima...puke!" Maniac was less than pleased by our chummy banter, I don't think he trusted it. I flipped him off, made a face at him then said, "OK fuckers, whose holding my rock?" Disaster had been averted...for the time being and I needed to get intoxicated...PRONTO! I also needed to find out what they did with Adrian and just how pissed he might be at me...lil old innocent me!
OK, enough for now, I'm not sure how much more homie-speak I can relate here without feeling like an absolute moron. They really do talk like that, it's not verbatim, but it's close enough and I revert back to it so easily when I'm there. What can I say, it's the Mexi-cunt in me.
So Imma go now, I'm kinda spazzed out because my left thumb has gone numb for no apparent reason. Maniac says it's because I have it stuck up my ass 90% of the time but I'm gonna say no, that's not it.