Monday, April 21, 2008

Maybe this is a stoopid question.

I don't like to think of myself as stupid. Even though 90% of my decisions speak for themselves, I wouldn't say I'm stupid exactly, just determined. I don't know what else to call it, but when I want something I go after it in a very single-minded way. For example, if that goal is to stay as loaded as possible for as long as possible you can see where that might lead. I have never really questioned the things that I've done or for that matter the way I've gone about doing them. "It sounded like a good idea at the time " has been a constant theme in my life.
I don't want to sound like every other poseur-punk-junkie-wannabe nihilist-asshole, (even though that is probably just what i am) but the problem , if you consider it one, is that I just don't give a fuck.

So I owe someone a big stack of cash for a very generous front. Oops! They know where to find me.

I shouldn't accept money for services rendered, soliciting is a crime! You gotta catch me first, suckas.

Maybe doing that monster shot is a bad idea? I'll deal with that when/if I wake up.

Now don't roll your eyes, I know what you're thinking, poor me I wanna die waaah. Well you are so wrong. I don't particularly want to die; I just can't seem to gather up enough give a shit to worry about it one way or the other.
All this crap is well and good but the real issue here revolves around a conversation I had with C. last week. He was belittling my lack of ambition and I was lamenting the fact that he has turned into a sanctimonious turd. ( I find that despite his current turd status I still love the bastard way too much.) Anyway, he was just going on and on about the fact that I am irresponsible, careless, a slob ect. Listing all my finer points as it were, before moving on to his philosophies on life.
According to C., all of the crap that I miss so much, what little I do care about, is like a weight around my neck.
"Why the fuck would you want a weight around your neck when you're flailing in a sea of shit? You have to cut it loose or you'll drown in crap!"
What C. has not yet realized is that my moving here was like another drop in my crap ocean, making it that much deeper and he comprises the largest part of the weight.
He says,"Always think about yourself, drop the weight or it'll drag you down."
So this is my question, what if your love for the weight is far greater than your fear of drowning. M.