Thursday, October 24, 2013

You Will Always Bring Me Flowers

I am currently FUCKING OBSESSED with this band. Not just because I can apply some of their songs to what's going on in my sad, sad little life but also because they are amazing and I love everything about the way they sound. Shannon Shaw's voice is incredible, it makes me want to rip out my vocal cords because I will never everrrrrr sound like that. But I get over shit wicked fast, so I'll probably not tear out my own throat anytime soon.

HOWEVER, everyone should immediately listen to everything they can find by this band unless you don't like it, in which case your taste in music is as stupid as your face. Straight. Up. Haha, noooo you don't have to like it but you really should, it's pretty awesome.

Anyway, onward and upward. (probably not though, I'm kinda low-dowwwwwn). But yes. Taking a break from the dope. Wow, right? Not for long I'm sure, but long enough to know I have a firm grasp on the shit I'm responsible for. It hasn't been affected yet and this is just to make sure that doesn't change.

I haven't been seeing anyone since all that shit went down last time and now I don't know if I should because: Casey. Yup, Casey. Coming back. Like he swore he never would. Seems things have changed, specifically he said: "I thought I was miserable when I had you, but it's nothing compared to how miserable I am now that I don't." Yeahhhh. I've been told that the key word there is *miserable and that he is clearly unhappy either way but eh. We've been doing this so long, I don't know how to walk away from it, even if I wanted to.

He's a fucking mess right now. For all that slick talk about how his drinking etc was a direct result of my crap, he didn't get even a little better now that I'm gone. He's actually gotten 150% worse and I honestly don't know if he'll manage to stay alive long enough to even make it back here. No bullshit. Drinking 100 proof  Southern Comfort and slamming dope is not a recipe for longevity. Every call ends with him literally falling out on the phone and me wondering whether to call 911 or just cross my fingers. It hasn't yet but one of these days it's gonna end bad. Real bad.

I know those are big words from someone who admitted to multiple overdoses, a few short weeks ago but that was not me on self destruct, that was just me being dumb. Like most of the shit I do. But unlike him, I'm not coming apart at the seams over this separation, which is weird coz the last time we parted ways, I really kinda lost my shit.

Not to the point that it was obvious, like I wasn't pulling an Ophelia or anything but I was definitely not worried over something as trivial as whether I survived the night. I didn't want to die, per se but I wasn't really caring if I did. Take that any way you like.

I was kinda-sorta getting over it when he sent for me and then I was with him in NM for almost SIX fucking years. Clearly that was six years too many. We were driving each other nuts, I was doing all kinds of things I shouldn't. And people. People I shouldn't. Oddly enough never anyone he actually accused me of but that's irrelevant. The point is that though I was always kind of borderline 'bad' when it came to other guys, I never crossed that line. Until I did.

That wasn't until the last year I was there but still, it makes a very strong argument for there being something totally wrong with our situation. More than the usual wrong. Up to that point we had been functional in our dysfunction. I loved the flirting and attention I got from my other boys but never enough to actually, truly fuck around. Nothing that couldn't be fixed. Then later I suppose I didn't care about it being fixable. I just did what and who I wanted and to Hell with Casey and to Hell with consequences.

So we're going to try something different...maybe? I really don't know yet. I have this other guy who wants me and not just to fuck and forget but to be with in a fwb dtf  kind of way, haha. My FAV kind. He wants to be my friend and as friends go, he's not a bad choice. He has like a bazillion jobs, works his ass off but in places where I could go there. and hang out with him if I wanted to.  IDONTKNOW.

...I don't know if I want a "BOY" friend. I doubt I should even have one, the way I've been behaving but I'm not generally a whore like that. Unless I am. I'm very hard to pin down, haha. Ughhhhhh! I guess I just want to do who I want, when I want and not have to hear shit about it, one way or the other and that's just not realistic.

Casey wants me back and this other guy likes me too, one should know better and the other thinks he does and that it doesn't matter. Sigh. Look around, dude. When has anyone ever walked away from me in better condition than when they met me? Yeah. 

Whatever. Fuck it, I'm out.

Melody (droopy eye and everything)