Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Now Even My Cat is Judging Me?
So the dreaded Facebook has redeemed itself...kinda. I still hate it on principal but it did put me in contact with one of my old friends from back in the day, so that has to count for something right? Joey was in a band with me and Regina like a million years ago and I hadn't talked to him in years and years. He went into the military before I started my heroin romance and I've been catching him up on what he missed heheh. He's partly responsible for me and Casey being together but I won't hold that against him haha.
I'm sitting here sweating and thinking and I'm sure everyone knows what it is I'm thinking about. I shouldn't...really I shouldn't but when have I ever let that stop me? I've been unusually morbid lately, thinking that one of these days I might just fall out and disappear forever. A huge relief to all those who hate me and somewhat of a nuisance to those who don't. I'm not really worried about it, as usual I tend not to dwell on ugly things until they come to pass and in this case it would be to late so fuck it.
I'm not self absorbed enough to think that it will make any real difference either way...maybe to my family and friends but that will only last so long.They'll get over it and be better for it in the process. No more worries or stress because of lil ol' me. I'm reminded of those fucktards who commit suicide under the misbegotten notion that, "They'll be sorry when I'm gone!"
Uh, no they won't, not really. They'll be relieved that they don't have to deal with your particular brand of crazy anymore and they will move on. The world won't stop because you left it, just how it goes. Eh, whatever.
Oh my God! I know what's going on here!!! I'm semi-dopesick and that always turns me into a maudlin moron. Sorry bout that, bleak introspection seems to be a side effect of the kicking process or mine anyway. I'll be good in a few days, I'll either be loaded or clean and both of those get rid of this whiny emo-ish (ugh emo) persona I'm wearing. I loathe emo in all it's weepy incarnations and it made me ill when I read something stating that the Descendents were the forefathers of the movement. It gave me that same sick feeling as when I hear Green Day refered to as the Godfathers of punk. Are these people retarded or just stupid? Who actually believes that??? Ugh, I have no words...almost heheh.
See, I'm regaining some of my old self already, must be that Percocet kicking in to relieve this edgy suckiness that has been plagueing me for the past couple days. No need to go listen to Death Cab and slit my wrists with a dull butter knife (I so do not listen to DC!).
Nothing productive on my list today, but then there rarely is. I'm quite literally the laziest person I know and unmotivated...oh so unmotivated! I do a little as possible for as long as possible, maybe they can put that on my tombstone?
I wish I could recapture some of that manic energy that used to make me sanitize the house from corner to corner. This place is trashed right now! It's so bad that even Fat Mike shook his head in disgust and refused to look at me. Now even my cat is judging me! If I do get some smack, I will try my hardest to remain semi-concious and clean the house. I'm in such a good mood when I'm loaded, nothing irritates me...except for Casey. I don't think that counts tho cuz that fucker could drive Saint Jude to slaughter terminally ill children! Was that in poor taste? Good.
So since Joey has informed me that he is an old man now and listen to folk music I will set my default song accordingly. Or try to anyway, I can only do so much and Joan Baez I ain't, perhaps some Dylan? That's as folksy as I get. Since I am first and formost a junky mess, I will choose the song (one of them anyway) rumored to be about Edie Sedgewick and her love affair with notariety and heroin, it's appropriate.