Thursday, November 17, 2011

Your Mother Calls You Puta?

Pic by Maniac. I look more like my fucked up self  here & I think I like it.
I looked over at Richie who had his hand in front of his face so I couldn't see him grinning, Maniac was too-too smug while he waited to see what I would do next and Adrian...he just looked constipated.
My previous statement had pretty much expressed everything I needed to say, I walked over to cholo fuckwad and snatched the keys from his hand. It could've been worse but not by much, I told myself at least it wasn't a Smart Car and got behind the wheel.
Richie spoke up, "Uh, can you lean the seat forward so we can get in back?"
Maniac choke/snorted and turned away but I could see his shoulders shaking, the bastard was enjoying this in a big way.
"All you hilarious motherfuckers can go file in on the other side...two door piece a...and the self satisfied brown trash gets in front."
Manny raised an eyebrow and Rich shoved Ade out of the way, which in turn led to more shoving. I saw a fist get cocked back and screeched, "HEY! Cut that shit out or you can just stay the fuck here, much as I'd love to see you bloody each other up, I just don't have it in me tonight. Be civilized or go home."
"If you need someone to put something in y..." Richie drawled.
"STOP! Stop right fucking therrrrrrrrrre. I don't care if you walk back to Colorado, I'm not putting up with you and you're not putting anything anywhere."
Adrian started to perk up and that annoyed me further, " AND YOU...Scott Pilgrim! You need a tampon for that vagina? One more pout or sigh and I will kick the piss out of you myself."
Maniac snickered and adjusted the seat, indicating that they should climb in. It was accomplished with minimum drama and we were off.
Not too happy to be driving a green marshmallow, I thought I might get some payback by scaring the living shit out of Manny. He's a worse passenger than I am and I'm really, really terrible.
We took the back way to the 550 S. and the roads were all wet and slippery, I smiled and floored the gas pedal. 0-90 in 3.2 minutes, stupid hunk o' crap. Before long we were passing Semis, darting and skittering all over the highway. I glanced over at Maniac, "Not so smug now, are we?"
"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about." He clutched the shoulder harness.
"Oh no?" I took my hands off the wheel and reached back to take Richie's cigarette, leaning my head against the rest. The little car swerved and I over-overcorrected...with my knees, fun fact: I drive better with my knees than most people do with their hands, haha.
Out of nowhere came this sound, kind of like someone strangling a tea kettle mid-whistle, if you could indeed do such a thing...and then the tea kettle exploded.
Silence... and then I snarked, "You sound like my mother...if my mother was a pussy." (Tandem chuckles from the back).
He forgot all about flaming wrecks and looked at me sideways, "Your mother calls you puta?"
I laughed, "Not to my face."
He snorted but relaxed his grip on the belt, "You really that pissed I got this car?"
I pointed at the rental info that was taped to the window, "You see what that says right there?"
"What, Ford Fiesta?"
"Nah, before that, where it gives the color, read to me what that says."
"That's right, dip-tard, it says 'Metallic Mojito'. Not only am I driving what looks to be an aerodynamic suppository, it's a green one and it goes by the loathsome name of METALLIC MO-HEE-TOE!!"
"Insult to injury." Adrian spoke up.
"Thank you!" It was the first thing he'd said/done that hadn't made me want to kick him. I rolled the window down, flicked the cig butt out and tried to concentrate on the next 2 1/2 hours of driving. It didn't last.
Rich, who was right behind me kept running his fingers up the back of my neck and just being irritating in general. Ade seemed to have gotten himself in hand as I didn't hear any sensitive-type sniffling from his direction.
I had been so caught up in all the bullshit that I never bothered to ask why we were going to Rio Rancho in the first place. It's just outside Albuquerque and usually if we were gonna meet up with anyone it was in ABQ proper but whatever. I was already in it, so no point in worrying about the whys and wheres.
So there I was, driving along, minding my own business and I kept hearing this weird scratching noise. It sounded like velcro being uh...un-velcro-ed? Since I'm neither a toddler nor a senior citizen, I knew that *I* certainly wasn't wearing any and I hoped no one else was either. I didn't have a chance to give it much thought 'cause my cell started cranking out the intro to Rebel Rebel, I pulled it out of my bra (yes that's where it was, don't judge me), tossed it to Manny and told him to hit speaker. It was R-man calling for a progress report.
"What's up?" I felt around for my cigarettes.
"How long til you make Rio Rancho?" *scratch-scratch-scratch-scratchhhhh*
"45 minutes maybe, we just passed San Ysidro." *scratch-scratch*
"Call me when you get in and..." *SCRAAAAAATCHHHH*
I couldn't take it anymore, "WHAT THE that noise!?!
"Feet." Rainman supplied over the speaker.
"Feeeeeet. Maniac's crusty feet on the car mat."
The boys snickered in unison and it took me a minute to process what I'd just been told. I looked over at M, "YOU are disgusting." Back to R-man, "I don't know which is more disturbing, that his feet are capable of producing such a noise or that you recognized it immediately for what it was." Back to M, "What the hell is wrong with you? They make pumice stones for a reason."
Richie snorted, "His feet would FUCK that stone up."
"His shit would rub the crust off everyone else's feet..." Adrian added.
"Ugh, enough...and EEEW!"

It's looking like there will be one more after this, mainly cuz Imma lazy cow and I just don't feel like reading through another butt-load of my writing and trying to make it post-able. I'll get to it, if anyone gives a fuck and if you don't...well then, I'll just run out and drown myself in a shallow pool of my own tears. It bothers me that much, bahahaha etc etc.
Anyway, I have things to clean and stuff to smo...uh, take care of, maybe I'll tell y'all about it sometime.

xo Melody Lee

Oh yeah, if you haven't already, check out my girl at Eyelick, she's a doll.