My not-so-glorious glory days

I was having a convo with Regina the other day and she asked me if it was true that I sold off my horses for smack. Ummmmm weeeeell, I guess you could say that technically I did NOT sell them for drugs.....I sold them for money....which I then used to buy dope. I also used some of the $$ to help fund the ill-fated "Vegas trip" that I took with Ed and Mike H. I won't get into all that but I'll say that Vegas is OVERRATED and their H sucked! From that point on I lost any desire to ever go there again.
The horse thing isn't really as bad as it sounds, it needed to be done because I had been spending zero time taking care of them for months and was having to pay to have them groomed, exercised etc. It's not like I hocked 'em to the glue factory for a quick buck, they went to good homes with people who had the time and energy to treat them as they deserved. I guess when Adam told her that I had done it, he made it sound like I traded them to some Pisa connect....fucker!
I've been demonized so much that my old friends will believe just about anything they hear about me. That's not to say that alot of that shit isn't true, I mean every rumor has a grain of truth to it. I'm just not as ruthless as I'm made out to be, sometimes I wish I was. If I was totally conscience-less I could have pulled alot more shit since I wouldn't feel bad about it afterwards. Yes people, I DO have a conscience, it's sadly neglected but it's there.
I never really worry about what I'm doing to myself but I do have a problem fucking off other people, not exactly what junkies are known for but I guess I'm not your average junky. I pulled some shit in my day, don't get me wrong but it was generally boosting, manipulating, scams, driving, that sort of stuff. I was NOT one of those people who robbed connects or my friends, fuck that! The last guy I knew who set himself up robbing connections was diced up into tiny pieces that they are probably still finding scattered all around Hart park. All the M connected Pisa's threw in together and had him disposed of.....NOT pleasant!
It snowed this morning but it probably won't stick, Casey is up in Colorado today and will be out til late, lucky me. I bored and I really don't like the snow, it makes it a pain to go outside and smoke and God forbid I was to smoke in the house, Casey would have kittens! Nazi!
I can appreciate the fact the the house doesn't smell like an ashtray but sometimes dragging my lazy ass outside is too much, especially when it's cold. He has a nose like a freakin' bloodhound too, so even if I tried to sneak a smoke inside he would know and pitch a fit.....tyrant!
I'm just pissy because I was just out in that shit and it sucks ass.
So Regina and I talked about all the fucked up shit Adam told her I was up to and I denied or confirmed what she had heard. We spent most of the time talking smack and re-hashing all the crap we used to get up to. I forgot alot of it, I think cooking up on the bottoms of beer cans was probably not a good idea and has given me early onset Alzheimer's or something. We keep remembering all kinds of shit that really makes us look like assholes but I guess we kinda were. Peter says we were always mean and bitchy.....look who's talking!
Now that I think back on some of the shit we did, I have to agree, it was pretty fucked up. Some of the girls who dared to try and insinuate themselves within the group got their asses beat and God help them if they showed up sporting a fresh Mohawk....that shit was hacked off quick! The 'project' girls got it the worst, these were complete unknowns that the guys would make over into little wannabe punkettes and bring downtown. BIG mistake....fuck we were assholes! I feel bad for our guy friends back then, they had a helluva time getting laid because of us and we weren't sleeping with 'em.....mostly. Sluts were not tolerated, the most promiscuous girl in our midst was Sara but that was OK 'cause Sara was family, she could fuck indiscriminately.
Anna tried to deny any involvement so I had to remind her that on several occasions she was the one threatening the poor girl(s) with a smiley to the head if they dared to resist whatever the fuck we were doing to them. If I'm mean Anna is terrifying! She once cleared the house of drunken rockabilly's that were wreaking havoc while an equally fucked up Regina and myself tried in vain to stay out of their slobbery grasp. She chased several out of my bedroom with nothing but a bad attitude and a bondage belt and kicked the shit out of the one that had handcuffed Regina to the radiator. Anna also happened to be like 20 months pregnant at the time.Fuckin' Anna banana is a scrappy bitch! Ahhh youth.
I feel kinda sorta bad about some of the stuff we did back then, all in the name of "I'm more punk than you" which is really fucking stupid when you think about it.
I let all that shit go after I got strung out, more important stuff to worry about....like getting high. Smack definitely mellowed me out.....mostly.
I still get mean on occasion, Regina is still a holy terror but now she just takes it out on her husband and Anna is in constant conflict with her neighbors so I guess maybe we haven't changed so much after all. To all those girls who got chased through alleys and shorn like sheep, I apologize........mostly:)

Profound douchebaggery

Wow, I have been writing some major novels on here. It might be because I was under the influence of crystal methamphetamine or it could be that I am a genius and my brain is not big enough to contain all that brilliance. Probably a bit of both.

Thanx again to the fuckers that hate me........really, I mean it. Your bullshit gives me something to laugh about. I fucking love to argue and talk shit (if you hadn't noticed), and you bastards give me an excellent opportunity to indulge. I mean your opinions count for shit, if you wanna be honest about it. Maybe it would send some other girl bawling into the bathroom to end it all but not me. Please don't let that stop you though, I truly look forward to your next efforts, surprise me. I don't get nearly enough opportunities to use my shit talking skills, not enough to suit me anyway. I think it is because I am such a nice, considerate girl, I don't wanna hurt people's feelings. Do you-all believe that? Naah, didn't think you would.

I can be a good friend though and once I've decided that you are worth the effort, there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. I am almost never (hardly ever) rude for rudeness sake. Usually you have to be a real fucktard to elicit a derogatory comment from me. However, I am slowly realizing that we live in a world of fucktards, so I guess maybe I comment more than I thought.

I have a big mouth but balance that out with my self-honesty and it's not as annoying as you would think. I am usually talking more shit about myself that anyone else, it's what they call a self-deprecating sense of humor.

Basically that means that I have a tremendous inferiority complex and that by calling attention to myself and making people laugh, I can circumvent outside insults. HHHMMM, I don't know about that, maybe some of it is true but for the most part I invite criticism and scrutiny because it gives me an opening to , you guessed it, talk some more shit.

I am sooo fucked up about soo many things that it just seems normal to me now. I don't really think I have any mental issues but they tell me I am wrong. By they I mean the doctors, not the voices in my head. I don't hear Elvis telling me to sodomize Mormons for Satan.........although it might me kinda cool if I did. Come to think of it, that would be fucking AWESOME! I see myself testifying in court, " I did it because Elvis told me to and he is The King."

No voices in my head to speak of, except my conscience and I usually block that out. I have enough whiny fucks to deal with.

I am who I am and if I can accept the fact that I am a lazy, selfish,drug addled,slovenly,unmotivated,immoral, lustful, envious...............I think I have surpassed the 7 deadly sins and then some.

Greed, lust , sloth, envy, gluttony, wrath and pride............Check!

Anyway, if I can live with my sinful cuntish self, then so should you-all. If you can't then stay the fuck outta my airspace, who needs your judgemental ass anyway? Oh wait I guess I do......attention slut, that's me!

This has been a pretty broad generalization of people but those of you who aren't included in the fucktard masses know who you are. I have to say that most everybody I have interacted with on here that isn't an anonymous assclown has been awesome. Anonymous, you are guilty of numerous counts of douchebaggery, how do you plead?

HaHa, when douchebaggery came up on spellcheck the only suggestion was torchbearer..........how profound! Anon, are you a hose bag crusader?

If God was a woman, He'd be me

I'm sure you have noticed that I don't really address comments in my posts. The reason for that is simple, I don't have the patience or time (every one of my minutes is precious) to go through and extract each and every relevant comment. Instead I prefer to answer them in a reply, under the pertinent remark. Did I mention that I am a little lazy. I'm sure the fact that I can be bothered to type out reams of meaningless blah, blah, blah but cannot be bothered to do much else has not escaped your notice. Well, there is a reasonable explanation for it all!
Anything I write goes on to further my true purpose in life, the glorification of my wonderful self!
Yes my friends, I crave attention, whether it be bad or good, no matter as long as I have at some level penetrated your mind. I adore negative comments, mostly because it verifies that someone who really doesn't like me could not get on with their day until they badmouthed me in some way. Ah triumph! How sweet is it that a person who thinks I am the lowest form of human life is compelled to comment on my behavior.Pretty fucking sweet.
Anyone who knows me, I mean really knows me is aware of the fact that I am not as big a cunt as most people might think. Don't get me wrong, I revel in my cunt status. I think it's fucking fantastic, 'cause it weeds out the assholes that are too wrapped up in themselves to see who I really am. I know, another contradiction as I am generally thought of as a supremely self-absorbed person. Well, I'm not, sorry to disappoint you. I do care about some things and surprisingly enough most of them have nothing to do with me.
I am in no way, shape or form going to be named the next mother Teresa, I do not aspire to be remembered as a selfless martyr (not that there is any danger of that happening) I will certainly not devote my life to the doing of good works. UGH! Never!
However, anyone who has ever been my friend knows that there is almost nothing I wouldn't do to help someone who really needs it. In some cases, when I felt that my sweet disposition was being used against me, to take advantage as it were, I reacted with swift justice! I cut the fuckers off!
In other cases, I have been know to go out of my way to do things that others considered a waste of time. Most Dope fiends won't help someone out unless it benefits them directly. I am not one of these. I have shared when I had little, I have given generously when I had alot.
Wait a minute! This is starting to sound suspiciously like another ode to the brilliance of....me. I guess I really am an attention slut. Oh well, I tried.
The fact that I am a recognition grubbing narcissist does not make the above mentioned facts untrue, they are very true. I suppose I just forget sometimes that not everyone is as impressed by me as I am. No accounting for taste. Love Ya's, Melody

So much for being a superficial cunt

A friend of mine who had the supreme good luck to stumble across my blog gave me some constructive criticism. He said, "You know Mel, this shit's pretty funny and most of it's true, I should know I was there for some of it but why are you only letting people see the sarcastic bitch side of you?"
I thought about it for awhile and I can't really come up with a decent answer. I guess like most people my extremely clever banter is a defense mechanism. Yes people I am not without the occasional twitch of mania and of course I'm sure you've all figured out that my bravado masks an ENORMOUS inferiority complex. Well, that's what the shrink said anyway, Mama didn't love me and Daddy didn't care, so between the coke and smack I stripped their wallets bare. Not really but you get the general idea.
I'm not trying to come off as a snarky bitch, honestly (have you heard that people using the word honestly when addressing you are almost always lying) but I can't seem to help it. It gets me in trouble all the time. C. is forever blowing up at me over some comment I've made. What gets me is that for the most part I don't even recall saying it in a shitty way. Sometimes it gets so bad that I have to start sentences with, "I'm not trying to sound like an asshole..."
I think maybe it is his inferiority issues coming to the surface. I refuse to believe that every other word coming out of my mouth is destined to offend him.
Another thing about C.
My friend pointed out that what I have written about him makes him come off like a self absorbed dick and he's really not. We have been together off and on since that fateful summer of '97 (see Scientology post). Sometimes more off than on, spending up to a year or more apart and seeing other people. Somehow we always end up back together. We spent some of the craziest times of our lives together and I think that binds us tighter than anything else. We understand each other because we were there, going through it at the same time.
He's not perfect by any means ,who is (besides me, of course). He worries too much about shit he can't change, he cares too much about what his parents think and he drinks too much.

1)He's always wasting unnecessary energy freaking out about things that can't be helped.

2)He never used to give two shits about what his family wanted but now it's a constant issue.

3)He drinks to fill up that empty feeling that addicts get when they quit using.

But he also works his ass off in the oilfields twelve hours a day to pay the bills, he has never hit me, even though I'm sure that punching me in the mouth and choking the life out of me has figured prominently in his dreams . He is never stingy with his money and has always remembered my birthday.
He sent for me a year after he left, even though he knew what I was up to almost from the minute he left. He never makes excuses for loving me, he just does.
I don't know if you've realized it yet but I can be a little difficult to live with. The fact that I make no apologies for myself tends to rub the wrong way. The best I have been able to do is say,"I'm not sorry for what I've done but I'm sorry that it hurt you." An ass backwards apology if ever there was one.
As sappy as it sounds, I really think we were meant to be together. I've been with guys who had more money and less problems. I can't say they were better looking 'cause C. is a gorgeous hunk of man meat but you get the idea. Whoever I was with, C. was always in the back of my mind.
The closest I've gotten to suicidal behavior was a direct result of needing him and missing him so much that I had to stay fucked-up just to make it bearable. So what if I did too much, at least then I wouldn't have to feel anything. Sad but true.
I love him so much I have staved off my selfish need to get the fuck out New Mexico and run screaming back to Cali. Because even though I could go back and continue my life as it was, getting marvelously gowed out every day and running the streets with my friends, C. is here. So here I stay.
If that isn't real enough for you Eddie, you can piss off, it's the best you're gonna get. As for that crack about my stories being mostly true, I claim artistic license, they are my memories after all. And by the way Ednardo, if you dare doubt the story about C. and the severed head, ask your sis about it, she was there.
Bye Babies, Love Melody.