...more than I did when you were mine

Here's me and Anna as the platinum blonde booby twins, she's probly gonna kill me for putting up this pic of her but I think she looks wickedly hot and I don't care.

Not to be denied his entertainment, Maniac (he's here fucking around with my latest photos), has informed me that he's waited long enough and if I don't do something about Adrian's Yoko, he will deliver her to me. It would seem that she has made quick enemies of almost everyone in their little circle, even Richie who is no friend to Adrian and not even in NM right now. I got a text from him as well, telling me that he would love me forever if I happened to cause her harm. He was exposed to her particular kind of crazy when he came to visit and wishes her gone. I would looooove to know how the fuck I got tapped for cooze control!

 I find much of this oh so amusing as it's verrrry rare that Richie meets a girl he can't charm within an inch of her panties, especially a cute one. Yes, she's cute, like a cheerleader but also quite a cunt to anyone remotely acquainted with Adrian. I'm definitely more than acquainted with that sweetheart so she reserves a special kind of hatred for me. Not my fault that he still calls and comes by to bring me stuff, not really.
So I called Rich and told him he'll love me forever regardless and that I'm not going looking for her just because they want me to, contrary to popular belief, I'm not that easy. If our paths cross at the appropriate time, then maybe but I'll be damned if I go out of my way. I'm not a bully for fuck sake...Unless they pay me to be.
Rainman is usually too caught up in his geeked out fantasy world to pay much attention to his crew's random cock ornaments but this girl has managed to pierce even his meth thickened skin. He'll pay me, he has before but I don't want a ridiculous amount of methamphetamine, I want cash baby. I'm so over the cryssy right now!
The last time I did some was months ago, a crazy good batch that R-man was very generous with...too generous. Long, jagged shards of barely opaque glass that smoked for days and days and left nothing behind to mar the pipe. So strong that shooting was advised against...too strong.
I was soooo fucking gakked, all of us were and it led to some stupid shit, not the least of which was almost wrapping the truck around a cow out in the middle of nowhere. Not my finest moment. That and a few other incidents have made me wash my hands of any further speed adventures, at least til I forget what that come down felt like. Christ on crutches that was a miserable fucking week!
So yeah, cash only fuckers or opiates of equal value, nothing less will do.
The truly sad thing is that I don't think Adrian would care if I did run her off, I mean he just ditched her (again!) to go buy me ciggs and Iced coffee. I don't know about you but to me that speaks volumes. They had this ridiculous scene across from my house the other night and had I been less preoccupied, I might have done just what they all want from me and kicked her ass from here to Kansas! I think perhaps the wench grows tiresome and who could blame him? All that ill conceived animosity towards people she doesn't really know, that has to be a drag. I was just telling darling Leora that guys are retarded and need to be more discriminating when choosing a cum dump, they always end up with psychos that make more of a situation than it really is. This thing with Ade is a perfect example! I could be wrong but I don't think he was looking for a long term , ball busting old lady and now he's too nice to tell her to piss off.
Jealous bitches are the worst and how it must rankle for a girl like her to be jealous of me. She's younger, free of tattoos and track marks, cute (like a baby viper) and most importantly, she's spread wide open for him anytime he chooses. I'm not any of those things and yet she's the one sitting at her sister's apartment while her boyfriend runs around and buys me shit, with her credit card no less! Cruel, cruel world. *smirk*
I almost feel sorry for her, I would if she wasn't so goddamn stupid! These girls who think that their gold plated pussy is gonna be the one thing to change a mess of a man, well it's just sad. Adrian is a disaster, an ungodly attractive one but a disaster nonetheless. No piece of ass will ever change that, not hers, certainly not mine...you take the mess with the man or you move on to one with less baggage. No one can change anyone else, it's a fact and lil Miss pep squad hasn't figured that out yet. Tough lesson, bitch.
If I'm being mean, well I'm not really in the mood to feel bad about it. Adrian just pulled up, in HER car and he looks so adorable, too good for a little girl who only sees him for what she can make of him, not what he is. He's deliciously damaged, sweet, considerate and a better man on drugs than most men are off. Pretty involved opinion for a bitch who claims she doesn't care, huh?
I have serious issues with the men in my life, I'm still confused as to how I can carry on these (mostly) platonic relationships without self destructing. Somehow I've managed to keep Casey from killing all of us and also kept myself from giving in to either of them. I consider them mine in a weird way, not like I care if they go out and fuck whoever but if it were to get serious, I think it would bother me. Now who's the jealous bitch?
 The really stupid thing being that I'm fairly sure I could have kept one or another of them if I had really wanted to. Adrian for sure and Richie on lesser but no less satisfying basis. So lame!
I need to get my head straight when it comes to my boys and...and then what? I'm open to suggestions because fuck if I know how to handle it. I actually love the little bastards, not in the way I love Casey of course but it's still genuine. I would miss them if they were gone but it's not fair to keep this up is it? One more reason I loathe the detox process, I get all introspective and stupid, hashing out shit that can be put off til a later date.
Though honestly, I'm not really sick anymore. I cashed in on the fact that my percocet script ran out a week ago (gone 3 days after I got them if you wanna know the truth) and went to urgent care for a temporary med refill. I made sure I was sweaty, shaking and so on just to make it look authentic. I'm brilliant when it comes to psyching myself out so my vitals go all screwy and back up my story.
It's not really lying, I would be getting those pills anyway, seeing as how my useless docs are at their wits end when it comes to my medical issues. Pain managment is the only option, there's no cure for what ails me (in more ways than one, heh). I don't think they would be too impressed if I told them that heroin is the only thing that chases away the sizzling nerve pains, they would assume it's psychosomatic (it's not) and leave it at that.
I feel like Keyser Soze every time I leave the hospital, the further I get from the building, the more my symptoms disappear. By the time I get to my car, script in hand, I'm barely recognizable as the rocking, palpitating wretch they saw a few minutes before.
To be continued, Maniac is done with the pics and Adrian is leaning over my shoulder trying to read what he oughtn't...he's been drinking my coffee and smells like vanilla lattes and cigarettes, sooooo damn good. Oh shut up Regina, who are you, the morality police?  I can think it can't I? Just look-ie no touch-ie, I promise.
~M L

Bloody messessssssssss.

This giant litter box they call New Mexico is literally draining the life out of me. It's Friday night and what the fuck am I doing? I can tell you what I'm not doing, I'm not getting the hell out the house to go do something ill advised and I'm not high. FUCK am I not high! I am in fact as far from high as you can get, meaning that I am sick, sick, sick. Like ready to drive 6 hours to go score if it wasn't almost midnight sick.
I'm such a pussy now that a mild edgy feeling is enough to make me pace the house all night looking for lost cottons and contemplating the syringe full of coagulated blood sitting on my nightstand. Seriously, I'm weighing the consequences of what might happen if I cook out the blood and pop it. It's only about a month old and yes at the time I found myself reluctant to toss it out because it contained enough heroin to knock me down...but it will almost certainly mean a wicked abscess and I'm low on Keflex.
Decisions, decisions!
If I was smart I'd shoot it into the toilet and be done but the junky in me finds that beyond abhorrent so I'll leave it where it is and hope that a few more hours of this restlessness will produce an outcome I'm comfortable with. Maybe I'll go to sleep? Maybe not.
I snatched the keys to Casey's truck and ransacked it, looking for pills that I know are there somewhere but he is too much of a Nazi to dole out, even though he isn't gonna take them himself. The fact that they were mine to begin with is lost on him.
Since he happens to be one of those wretched creatures that can force sleep while dopesick, he isn't too concerned with my malaise. Sufficed to say he thinks I'm malingering. It has been over a week and at this point I'm probly kicking suboxone not dope but that doesn't make me feel better at all! He suggested I do some theraputic house cleaning until I feel better, I suggested he go bugger himself with a pitchfork. How am I to do the Devil's work if these hands don't remain perfectly idle? Exactly!
If I wanted to I could hunt down some overpriced oxy or even some free speed but I'm not quite there yet. Doing that means subjecting myself to some kind of drama and/or idiocy and I'm just too wilted to deal with it.
I stopped the subs 3 days ago and haven't slept since and that doesn't bode well for anyone that comes within 50ft of me. I'm twitchy, easily annoyed and have the odd (yet somehow comforting) feeling that grinding my foot into someones face might be just what I need.
Adrian is banging some girl from Aztec and Maniac is way too eager to make introductions. Why I should care is the question of the hour. I don't really but I've heard (bet you can guess from who) that she is less than thrilled when my name is mentioned and if that wench gives me so much as the stink eye, I will knock it out of her head and shove it up her ass! I'm not terribly stable right now and am actually giggling at the picture of that in my head, not a good sign.
Adrian is a doll but I can't bang him so it stands to reason that someone else should but if that someone is stupid enough to think that she can engage me in some lame cooze bitch fest, she is sorely mistaken. I will knock her on her ass before she finishes the first sentence...and then I will go to jail. Girls like that always call the cops.
Christ, am I making any sense right now?
I've decided that the next person who says "F-bomb" within striking distance is gonna geeeeeeet it! That also goes for," Amaze-balls" do these people hear what is coming out of their heads??? I have along list of shit that irritates me no end, it includes ironic mullets, pork pie hats and crocs, pity the fool who leaves the house sporting all three, at least if I'm around. Good thing I didn't go to Turkey with Regina, according to her I've just described the majority of German tourists she came across.
My head is a mess right now, one half is saying that I should go kneel on Casey's chest til he gives up the pills and the other half is remembering that Faith No More sued the Care Bears...what the fuck is going on???
My favorite pussy is up in arms because my phone was out of commission for a week...it's back on Kitty Kat, same number as before, just switched vonage to comcast, no biggie. Problem with the phone is that if you answer it people start getting the idea you wanna talk to 'em. Not aimed at you K, jut sayin' is all. Call my cell.
Espanola got hit by the Feds on June 5th (I think) and it's made things inconvenient as they gaffled up 75% of the people I knew there. I wonder how many pics they have of me? Hmmmm...
Better go now before I go completely incoherent, I got's some blood to boil.
Kisses,
~Melodyyyyyyyyy.
P.S. listen to The Murder City Devils, In Name and Blood. I don't love every single song on there but pressgangs, crying cowboys and drunken homicide never sounded so good. Plus it reminds me of Mikey and that's never a bad thing.

Vapid, Trivial and Not a Little Gross

I have some utterly self involved rant all written and ready to post but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It's not often that it happens that way, being in love with yourself has it's perks but not tonight. Usually I would be perfectly content to publish it and then wait for all the douchey comments that would inevitably follow so that I could lord my ability to justify any damn thing over all the anons who dared question my absolutely brilliant and in no way flawed point of view. I am perfect and therefore immune to the questionable logic that plagues the imperfect masses.
 Haha, if there's one person out there that takes this last (and unbelievably run on) sentence as gospel, it will make my week, several times over in fact! Lighten the fuck up for Christ sake, find something better to do with your time and give someone else a chance at righteous indignation, you've been hogging it all up, leave some for the rest of us.
So I'm going for something inane, a little bit vapid and maybe just plain trivial. I am, after all a normal girl with normal issues and though I choose not to go on about such things, I too have days when I just don't feel fresh.
Don't be afraid, although I have no compunctions about bringing up my past as a needle toting turbo whore, I'll keep mentions of festering lady parts to a minimum. If anyone is wondering, I have no such afflictions, having been partial to condoms during my stint as a rent a hole. It's the practical thing to do and has saved me untold amounts on Valtrex and Cipro. A girl has to think about her health after all *snickering* and that old slag's tale about blowing rock smoke on suspect genitalia...well if you believe that, then you just deserve to catch the herpes!
Anyway, back to the present, my hair has gotten unbearably long and I'm at the point where if I don't do something soon, I may just shave it all off. I'm also growing tired of snide Lady Gaga comments! Lets get one thing straight, if I look like a bleached out tranny so be it but if there's one thing I know is that I've pulled off some version of this look for the last decade or more. I don't look like that crazy cunt, bitch looks like me! Whether that's good or bad is up for interpretation but there it is.
So I might and I stress MIGHT be picking some other color for my hair and may even be open to suggestions. As long as it isn't anything that looks like it might be natural, can't have that. Maybe I should hold a contest?
Well I think that's about it and I definitely fulfilled my goal of a vapid yet trivial post, I even threw in something to put you off your food, just for giggles. I hope you appreciate it! *sigh* I'm always thinking of others.
Weird, for some reason I was just reminded of the time (one of  'em), when we were getting tailed by the cops day and night and how I used to make the runners carry all my bags when I went shopping. Haha, being my bitch was part of the job description. Plus it made it more entertaining for the police, watching me drag Frog, Jimmy and Joe around to all manner of shops, loading them down with packages and making them get manicures. Maybe I was a little bored and that makes me mean but fuck it, they got paid damn well! I bet Anna remembers some of that, heheh.
Hmmm, that's making me smile, I may hafta write more on "The Tower" chronicles later.
Kisses,
~Melody Lee

Diversionary Tactics...

Not to add another car to the "everything sux ass" train but this seems to be the year for it. We just heard that another friend has been relegated to the dead pile. I guess it really does happen in threes.
He was more Casey's friend than mine, I knew him well enough but we weren't close, even tho I  lived with him for a short while.
 As far as I know it had nothing to do with Heroin (isn't that refreshing?), he burned up in a fire. Something to do with a wayward molotov and the inability to escape the squat in a timely manner. He was toasted up like pork rind and I'm sorry it happened to him, not a pleasant way to go. So hasta luego, Jason M. RIP.
With all this melancholy crap, I feel like I should put up something to distract from it, not detract, just make the all the charred imagery go away for a bit. I know I could use something to cleanse me of that mental picture and all the horrid details that go along with it. And yes, they were absolutely awful!
So here's some of the pics from the Vegas car show thing and my scabby stiches tattoo and some other crap I captured on camera. There's tons more but they need to be scanned and that requires actual effort so...Enjoy

And the horse it rode in on...

Another friend gone...what can I say? I don't want to seem nonchalant about it, because it's not that easily gotten over but really, what can I say...what can I do? Not a damn thing. Just get through my day as best I can and know in my heart that he, that they won't be forgotten, at  least not by me.
It always bothers me a little bit that I can get past these things so quickly, that the last time I cried real tears over a friend's death was more years ago than I can count. Not to say that these recent losses haven't made me weepy but it's never at the appropriate moment. It'll be at some really stupid time, like when I'm doing the laundry or driving down the street that I end up with tears streaming down my face and the feeling that my heart has been torn out of my chest. Like some weird word/image association that reminds me of them and for a moment I think that I'll look over and see them next to me, doing the same shit they were doing the last time we were together.
I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on myself about this, I mean who can really say what is appropriate where grief is concerned. I just deal with it differently and have dealt with it so often that it just seems a matter of time til the next one comes around. It doesn't mean I miss them any less than the person who cries copious tears at their graveside, it just means I'm a little...different.  Not better or worse, just different.
I don't even know what to write, I've been wrung out and hung up to dry. Funny that. I've decided that I'm done with alot of things and no heroin is not one of them!
I'm done with coddling self pitying sad sacks that don't have the balls to take a good look at their situation and see that they really don't have much to cry about AT ALL! Shut the fuck up, your mewling and stereotypical "depressed young man/woman" posturing is getting old and beyond boring and I won't feed  your need for sympathy any longer!
I'm done with trying to please anyone but myself, including family. They were the last holdout where that was concerned but no longer. Truth is I never tried all that hard but as of now I am cutting off all that nonsense. They can take it or leave it, either way it won't affect me much. It doesn't mean I don't love them, it means I'm no longer going to go against myself just to make them feel better. DONE!
I'm not this horrible person that has no human feeling, I'm just sooo sick and tired of all the bullshit that attaches itself to those two issues. I refuse to deal with it, refuse to let it drag me down or choose my path for me.
If I choose to wreck myself in every conceivable way, I will damn well do it! You can join me, disown me or stand back and watch, I don't care which. Just don't expect me to apologize for it or make excuses, that's not the way it works.
And please don't turn your good intentions my way, misguided sympathy I can do without! I don't feel sorry for myself, I damn well don't expect anyone else to. If you are stupid enough to extend a sympathetic hand, don't be surprised if I lop it off and sell it for dope, fuck your pity and the horse it rode in on bitch!
I refuse to be that person, the one who pens a pretty tale of coercion, addiction, destruction and eventual redemption. I'll leave that to all the whiny cunts who get off on waxing about how high were their highs and how low their lows. Pfffft! Enough whiny cunts, I won't add myself to their number.
I wasn't coerced and I don't want to be redeemed, how's that for a pleasing story?
Fuckers, I don't want your help, just send me your money. Christ, I wish I was retarded enough to panhandle on the Internet...I'd make sooooo much cash! Tell people what they wanna hear and get paid for it...I was always too stuck up to panhandle but sucking dick for money, haha I guess that's different!
That's also a whole other post, so I'll leave it at that. I feel much better and may even be back before another 30 days has passed, never say never, right?
~Melody Lee
PS I'll be adding this link eventually but for all who have been asking http://noahnods.wordpress.com/ there you go. He tells me he's having trouble responding to e-mails  so you can find the N man at that new blog address.

R.I.P. Joe 1981-2010

He's the one on the left NOT wearing suuuuuper tight purple pants (sorry A but they are!), We'll miss you my brother...

Not Just One Thing

Right, so this isn't going to be one long, focused effort, probly closer to a semi-coherent rant/ramble...you have been warned. My crappy music player is undergoing upgrades so I haven't been able to change the music, you'll just hafta grin and bear it or hit mute, your choice.
For the person who asked, Lora was one of my closest friends back home and she died of an H OD on the 4th of this month. She was complicated, difficult to get along with and so damn hard headed that it made you want to rip your hair out. I love her like a sister and am having one of my rare moments of guilt over her death.
Had I stayed in Cali, I would have inevitably been by her side and might have been able to keep her above ground a few years longer. She didn't want me to come to New Mexico, said that if I did, Casey would just use me as a crutch to fuck up and then put the all blame on me. She was right to an extent, he does do that sometimes.
She was kinda mad at me for leaving, Jerry said he knew I would and that he and L had argued over it, she was convinced that I wasn't that stupid and he thought I loved Casey too much not to. They were like the flip side of me and Casey; dark, dysfunctional and so caught up in each other that it made all bullshit seem worthwhile. I can't even imagine what Jerry is going through right now...
So anyway, that's just one of the reasons I've been MIA this month, the main one really. The others include my ever annoying medical issues (my percocet has been raised to an insane amount, not that I'm complaining) and by recommendation of a friend from work, I might be going to some specialist in Arizona, if I ever get off my ass and call his office. If not I'll be keeping up my monthly trek to Albuquerque to see my usual useless doc. Even I know better than to give someone a derivative of a med they have a severe allergy to. I was twitching and jerking like a marionette on crack! Stupid cunt!
I have gone back to refusing to take any pill I cannot readily identify. It's less twitchy that way.
Also, my family came to visit, which is always cause for equal parts happiness and alarm, nobody gets to me like my family! It was nice, even if  my mom can still make me feel like a disobedient 8yr old.
In unrelated news, I got the stitches tattooed on my wrist awhile back and never got around to putting up pics. It looks gross, in a completely kick-ass way! They look all cartoon-y and Frankenstein-ish, I fucking looooooove them! You know something is creepy looking when the guy doing the tat finishes up and says, "Fuck, that shit looks crazy!" The best part was when it was all swollen and scabbed up, it looked almost real, people would stop and take a second look, just to be sure it wasn't. All in all, they are perfect! I might just put up one of the scabby pics, so y'all can enjoy it too.
I also have lotsa pics from the thing in Vegas, so I'll be putting those up as well. I woulda done it sooner but this thing with Lora made me feel even more lethargic and useless than usual. Casey looks adorable of course and I, having refused to paint and curl myself within an inch of my life, looked like a deranged Alice in wonderland with brass knuckles on the belt over my, um...pinafore haha. Not quite a pinafore but you can judge for yourself...when I get around to putting up the pics, that is. Maybe sometime this week.
My new friend wants me to take him to Albuquerque today and I'm not sure if I will. Casey hates him already because he calls me "Mami" and ignores Casey when he comes over. He comes to the door ALOT! So much that I just turned off my cell and ignore the door, it's easier that way. Cameron introduced him to me as being one of the few H users in town, he thought we might be beneficial to each other. So far I haven't seen it but whatever.
Tracksuit dildo got his car riddled with bullets at a stoplight but they missed his fat head, not sure if I care either way about that one. Never had enough interaction with him to wish him dead or alive, just enough to know he is a jerk-off of Spencer Pratt-like proportions and I want nothing further to do with him, especially if he's drawing bullets!
So, I guess that's all the news that's un-fit to print. Expect some pics soon and I'm sure some more rambling will follow as well.
~Melody Lee
P.S. Thanx to Rufus for threatening to come looking for me, with a search party like that, I may just go missing more often!