Everything in it's place

Yum.

That people are reading this in Israel and Indonesia, as well as so many other places around the world that I never would've expected is pretty fuckin amazing. Yay internet. I still don't know why my blog is being bounced about various questionable Russian link dumps but whatever works, I guess.

I am beyond freezing right now. These new generic subutex are C-R-A-P! That's right, crap. For the first day they send me into an almost paralyzing state of anxiety, followed by NO sleep and now I'm as cold and clammy as a damp corpse. I've taken way more than was ever necessary before and still feel less than satisfactory. But oh they do one thing correctly and that's BLOCK HEROIN. Bullshit. Take so much as 2mg of these fuckers and you won't be getting high for at least 36 hrs. Sigh, I never had this problem with the old orange hexagons...

For anyone not keeping up with my FB (you people are unbelievable!), I had a seriously stupid incident involving some klonopin. And possibly some ketamine. DXM? Sure, why not. Also an ATM card that was technically not mine and certain withdrawal of funds that I immediately LOST somewhere between the store and my house; approximately 2/3 of a block away. Yeahhhh. Over-doing the benzos = not cute. I'm sure all that other misc stuff didn't help either but I'm gonna blame the klonopin for this one.

I don't have to much to say, plenty to share but no real motivation to type it all out. Maybe I should get drunk? You know Truman Capote told Dick Cavett that it was impossible to write under the influence of  alcohol or pretty much any drug. That perhaps before or after one might get some viable work done but never during. I feel that I must strongly disagree as some of my best, most coherent tirades have been crafted while I was high on something. To each her own, Truman; to each her own.

I found out that someone I was said to have been having an 'affair' with in NM, wore a wire and got 3 different people hemmed up for trafficking before he split town and disappeared. Sooo, in place of a real update, I will finish this up with a open letter to Ty, who I just heard from. Sketchy, stupid Ty:
(This is basically a transcript of our phone call)

*Goodbye Ty (blegh, that rhymes most abominably!), I always knew there was something a bit off about you, from the first moment you walked through my door. You looked...like a narc and an asshole and I told Cesar and Tony that you made my internal radar go all kinds of crazy. I would eventually warm up to having you around but there was still something that made me believe fucking you would lead to more trouble than your blond/blue all-American "corn-fed white boy" charms were worth.

I was oh so correct and beyond happy that I got the hell outta town before you threw me to the wolves along with everyone else. I'm not stupid enough to think that you actually held any real regard for me, just like I held none whatsoever for you. I never told you I was leaving, you had to hear it from Des after looking for me for days. And in retrospect, I do declare that I regret not fucking Dylan more than I EVER enjoyed well...you know.

Dylan is not a pussy. Dylan goes to jail and does his time like a man, he doesn't call his cop daddy to wipe his ass and clean up his mess. Dylan may have some anger issues BUT he also looks like a young, blonde Jason Statham. Do I need to say any more? Oh okay, if you insist!

I would even consider going back to NM just to hit that, like I shoulda when I had the chance. But noooooo, I had to "think about it" while I was wasting time with YOU. And then it was too late and he'd got himself arrested for beating his father into a lump of dung. So thanks ever so fucking much for that. I guess in a way you've gotten me back for dipping out on you, even if you didn't know you were. But when you read this (and you will read this, of that there is no doubt), I hope it stings just a little to know that when we were "us" I was daydreaming about him. (D.Y.L.A.N.) Have fun with that, you snitch bitch, cop-spawned piece of rat shit.

Fin.

Not Your Average Kitty

Ok I know that if anything you all are wanting the rest of the CL post but I don't think I have it in me to finish that up right now. I've just been knocked back into the drama of dealing with a guy who simply refuses to understand that I cannot possibly be who he's dreaming of. Not even close.

I haven't spoken to him in a week and saying it's been hard is putting it mildly. The sheer number of txts/messages/voicemails that has been generated during this time is truly astounding. This is rather ironic because it was our prolific txting that signaled the beginning of the end. I mean, it was already on the way out but those txts shot it in the fucking head once and for all.

I had been talking to him him and dealing with Casey for a few weeks and it was getting to be touchy since Casey is basically at my side 24/7. Sigh. Anyway, I had made the decision that since things were good ok with me and C once more (no fighting etc), I was gonna try to commit to that and drop everyone else. However, I just didn't wanna do it, dammit! I like the jerk and...oh fuck it all!

At this point our txt were dumb and I replied with stupid jokes and nonsense, to make him feel less abandoned but also like it was a friend thing happening. I was attempting to keep it nice...it didn't work. He is rather invested in whatever he thinks this is, or was and won't let it go. I don't know that I want him to...

So one night, after hearing me receive texts every 4 seconds, Casey waited til I was nodded, violated my phone lock and found all that shit going back so long that I'm not even sure what he saw. What I am sure of is that he also went through all my pics (HUGE SIGH), and proceeded to send out photos of K slobbering on me from back when that whole mess happened. It was quite honestly not a move that I or anyone would've expected from Casey. I have to say it was rather brilliant, even if it did fuck my shit up on several levels.

It was clearly his version of the 'If I'm not gonna have you, I'll make sure no one else wants you either' maneuver. I'm actually sorry it didn't work. Casey blew the night he cracked my phone and had to take a few days before he could bring himself to see me again. The other's reaction was to promptly have a txt meltdown, thinking that the Kas pics were taken seconds before they'd been sent. It was a massive headache to sort out. Massive.

Finally he told me last week that he was planning on spending way too much money on a room at the Padre, I firmly told him no. It wasn't gonna show. Don't do that etc. I also told him I didn't think I was what he really wanted, that I was sure I wasn't what he needed and that I KNEW I wasn't what he deserved.  He said he can't help what he feels and that he can't turn it on and off like a switch.

I was so bewildered by that last statement that I stopped txting completely and it seemed that he had finally given up on me. UNTIL...I got a flurry of messages approximately 5 minutes before I began writing this post. More stuff about not sparing enough of a thought for him to even reply etc etc. Ugh. Fuck.

What am I supposed to do with that? I'm not loving putting him through any of this but if it's gonna happen with us, it's just not gonna happen easy. Adam came to see me before he went to try and kick at the beach and after hearing what was going on he agreed that there's not much I can do. Time will tell how badly I wreck him and for how long! I can guarantee he will be much happier than he ever would've been hangin' with me. Or his money back. I am not your average kitty, take my word for it.

Risky Business it Ain't

Shawna (original right?), had been hanging out at my new place all morning, having come by after learning I was back in town. We'd spent a long time trying on clothes and getting caught up on each others bullshit. After that we proceeded to doing hair/makeup and taking photos for no real reason other than because we could. We eventually ended up online, where after not a little wheedling, she posted various Craig's List ads promising that the 'new girls in town' would rock your shit for a mere 100/hour. Discounted to 175 if you wanted both of us. Sigh.

I wasn't really feeling the whole hooker thing right then, mainly because I had no need to. Not to mention no desire...like zero. I had plenty of money, why the fuck did I need to get mounted by randoms all night at a whopping bill per? It was more a case of her not wanting to do it alone and me feeling for her and saying "FIIIIIIIIINE!".  Yeah, I'm a good friend like that. *rolling eyes* So I agreed (grudgingly), to go along with it for the time being. Or at least until I could think of a reasonable excuse why I couldn't.

I was starting to feel mildly wretched due to an overindulgence of H that week, so at some point when I got tired of the sweat pooling between my tits, I decided to call Billy. If I was gonna do this, I needed to be as high as fucking possible, no doubt about that.

I rang and like my prince in tarred armor, Billy appeared. Not being one to withhold, I gave Shawna a fat shot of her own. This is where things would start to get kinda retarded.

"Oooh!" she slurred whilst perusing M4W,"I found one YOU'LL like! It says he's an 18 yr old virgin and will pay whatever to get fucked proper...you down?"

"SIGH. I don't think so. Young is young but a virgin? Pass." I was laying half out the sliding door on my back, blowing thick clouds of delicious tobacco smoke into the air and texting.

"You know that little boy will not be the first virgin you've defiled" she continued, "I think it's sweet, you should just do him for free. I bet he has friends that would pay..."

"Bitch please, we will not be running this as a charity! Friends? This is not 1983. Subsequently, this is also not Risky Business and I sincerely doubt that all of Tom Cruise's booger eating friends will be blowing us up to get er...blown. No means no."

"I'm gonna write him back and say we'll do him for free..."

"WE!? If youuuuuuu are feeling so magnanimous, go on ahead but I'm not going anywhere near him." I flicked my ash and re adjusted my sunglasses to signal the end of this discussion.

"Even if he's hot?" She snickered.

"He's not" I said confidently, "If he were, he could get laid on his own and oh yeah... STILL NO!"

"Liar" she smirked and turned back to the computer screen to answer more messages.

In the meantime I'd decided the best way to shut her up was to ignore her, so I went back to my phone and answered a txt I'd just gotten from K. He wanted to hang out and being bored and high, I said sure, why not?

"What about this one?" Shawna pointed at a photo of a non-descript guy in shorts and a shirt, in his early 30's wearing black socks and yellow...CROCS???

"PASS." I sputtered, sitting up and choking on smoke "HARD. FUCKING. PASS." K needed hurry the hell up and get here so I had a legitimate reason to not actually meet any of these guys. Crocs on a grown man? Not on your fucking life.

Well I Tried...Kinda. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Well Casey is back but I'm not going into that now. A mouthy Sheep confided (PUBLICLY), that I'm spending too much time bitching and not enough time weaving tales of wonder out of my questionable existence. Sooo...imma try that for a change. Not sure how it's gonna go but whatever, blame it on the Sheep.

Well shit. The best story I have since I got back is the one about a certain bitch gettin wasted and goin all kinds of crazy. She stripped down to NADA and walked around the house in front of me and the guy I was seeing that night; eventually ending up in bed with us while we pretended it was totally normal and went about our business with her 3 inches away. It was a tad surreal to say the least.

But alas, I don't know if I can tell that story without everyone knowing who it was that did it. I'm a twat but I'm not gonna put her out there like that. And yet...it IS a pretty amazing story. It is interwoven with a Craig's List incident that I was grudgingly a part of (in theory), and some other ridiculous shit that only happens to me. Or at least only I write about it. I don't know...I'm conflicted but since I disabled comments, you can't exactly TELL me you want to read about it, so I may have to let it percolate and see what happens.

Guess I'll have to come back later and try again.

Ciao,

M.L.

Sci-Fi Wet Nurse.

Don't be a tool...listen to this, it's gorgeous.The last remix isn't my fav but Year 5772 has a very sci-fi 60's feel to it, almost like Telstar by the Tornados. If you don't know what that is...I'm sorry.


I love that the last post has gotten something like 5 times as many hits per day as anything else I've ever put up, haha. Whether it's just the usual haters or the irresistible trainwreck appeal, I have no idea but whatever does it for ya. I can't complain, I posted them, after all.

Having come to the realization that I am just not suited to any kind of high maintenance releationship i.e. one that requires me to keep in contact with that person every minute of every day of my fucking life; I decided to send a few dudes, that really choice photo with the needle in my neck, thinking it might bring home the reality of what he's actually dealing with.

It had mixed results, prompting one to say that it made him want to fuck me...and then run away. Hahaha, I fucking love it! The others were less enthused, so I was briefly elated, success! Alas, twas not to be. Coz once the first part of that statement was accomplished, they did not, dear reader, "run away" and more's the pity. I just don't get it. I'd like to say that it's because I'm just that Goddamn mesmerizing a lay but I really don't think so. I'm decent and of course, not your average cookie when it comes to what I will and won't participate in but that in itself doesn't make me special. Freaky bitches are a dime a dozen these days, so yeah, I don't get it.

I'm not fishing for any kind of validation on what charms I do or do not posses, I'm genuinely curious as to what would drive a person to want anything remotely permanent with me. I am so difficult! I go missing for days, even if it's just me hiding in my house not answering calls or texts. I'm wholly unsympathetic to most everything and hate hate hate having to offer insincere words of comfort when I could really not give less of a fuck about his fight with a co-worker. It's like when people get sick and I'm expected to fetch and carry and hover over their bedside rubbing their back or some such bullshit. It's dreadful and I am literally counting the seconds until I can slink away and pretend I don't hear when they call for me. Is that awful? Too fucking bad, it's the truth.

I am just not made to baby anyone for anything other than those rare moments where I'm in the mood to do so and they are few and far between. I can make you comfortable and go get you some meds, fluids, whatever but I won't sit there like a wet nurse and whip out my tit every time you sniffle. Fuck you.

I feel like that last sentence pretty much sums up my attitude on relationships in general. Very much so. I am not your mom. I am not your maid, your cook or your fucking therapist. Suck it up, for the love of GOD and stop being such a titty baby.

I think I'm done here, not sure what this update was, exactly but yeah. Have a nice weekend.

M.L.

Exhibit...H?

I probably shouldn't post these but someone asked me to get a bunch together for some kind of exhibit thingie (they'll be edited etc, not shown as is), and I was all like...a'ight. As long as it's not 'exhibit A' I'm okay with that. These are just a few coz as I'm sure you can imagine, there are so manyyyyy! I apologize in advance to Nicholas, since we just had a talk about people posting pics in states of undress. IMSORRY!!! Getting loaded makes me wanna lay around in my panties, what can I say?

So in lieu of a proper post, here are some photos of what *appears to be drug use. Of course it's ALL totally staged and faaaaaake as fuck.Haha, you bet your ass it is! Also the most recent of these is....eh, I don't rightly remember but some are suuuuuuuuuper old. Some ain't *wink*. But AGAIN: ALL STAGED. NO ACTUAL DRUGS WERE HARMED IN THE TAKING OF THESE PHOTOGRAPHS-

Snuff Porn.

Wet.

I love you THIS MUCH.

Indecision

Multi-tasking

Tragically Delicious

Intermission

Back to our usual programming

Hurt so good.

You Will Always Bring Me Flowers

I am currently FUCKING OBSESSED with this band. Not just because I can apply some of their songs to what's going on in my sad, sad little life but also because they are amazing and I love everything about the way they sound. Shannon Shaw's voice is incredible, it makes me want to rip out my vocal cords because I will never everrrrrr sound like that. But I get over shit wicked fast, so I'll probably not tear out my own throat anytime soon.

HOWEVER, everyone should immediately listen to everything they can find by this band unless you don't like it, in which case your taste in music is as stupid as your face. Straight. Up. Haha, noooo you don't have to like it but you really should, it's pretty awesome.

Anyway, onward and upward. (probably not though, I'm kinda low-dowwwwwn). But yes. Taking a break from the dope. Wow, right? Not for long I'm sure, but long enough to know I have a firm grasp on the shit I'm responsible for. It hasn't been affected yet and this is just to make sure that doesn't change.

I haven't been seeing anyone since all that shit went down last time and now I don't know if I should because: Casey. Yup, Casey. Coming back. Like he swore he never would. Seems things have changed, specifically he said: "I thought I was miserable when I had you, but it's nothing compared to how miserable I am now that I don't." Yeahhhh. I've been told that the key word there is *miserable and that he is clearly unhappy either way but eh. We've been doing this so long, I don't know how to walk away from it, even if I wanted to.

He's a fucking mess right now. For all that slick talk about how his drinking etc was a direct result of my crap, he didn't get even a little better now that I'm gone. He's actually gotten 150% worse and I honestly don't know if he'll manage to stay alive long enough to even make it back here. No bullshit. Drinking 100 proof  Southern Comfort and slamming dope is not a recipe for longevity. Every call ends with him literally falling out on the phone and me wondering whether to call 911 or just cross my fingers. It hasn't yet but one of these days it's gonna end bad. Real bad.

I know those are big words from someone who admitted to multiple overdoses, a few short weeks ago but that was not me on self destruct, that was just me being dumb. Like most of the shit I do. But unlike him, I'm not coming apart at the seams over this separation, which is weird coz the last time we parted ways, I really kinda lost my shit.

Not to the point that it was obvious, like I wasn't pulling an Ophelia or anything but I was definitely not worried over something as trivial as whether I survived the night. I didn't want to die, per se but I wasn't really caring if I did. Take that any way you like.

I was kinda-sorta getting over it when he sent for me and then I was with him in NM for almost SIX fucking years. Clearly that was six years too many. We were driving each other nuts, I was doing all kinds of things I shouldn't. And people. People I shouldn't. Oddly enough never anyone he actually accused me of but that's irrelevant. The point is that though I was always kind of borderline 'bad' when it came to other guys, I never crossed that line. Until I did.

That wasn't until the last year I was there but still, it makes a very strong argument for there being something totally wrong with our situation. More than the usual wrong. Up to that point we had been functional in our dysfunction. I loved the flirting and attention I got from my other boys but never enough to actually, truly fuck around. Nothing that couldn't be fixed. Then later I suppose I didn't care about it being fixable. I just did what and who I wanted and to Hell with Casey and to Hell with consequences.

So we're going to try something different...maybe? I really don't know yet. I have this other guy who wants me and not just to fuck and forget but to be with in a fwb dtf  kind of way, haha. My FAV kind. He wants to be my friend and as friends go, he's not a bad choice. He has like a bazillion jobs, works his ass off but in places where I could go there. and hang out with him if I wanted to.  IDONTKNOW.

...I don't know if I want a "BOY" friend. I doubt I should even have one, the way I've been behaving but I'm not generally a whore like that. Unless I am. I'm very hard to pin down, haha. Ughhhhhh! I guess I just want to do who I want, when I want and not have to hear shit about it, one way or the other and that's just not realistic.

Casey wants me back and this other guy likes me too, one should know better and the other thinks he does and that it doesn't matter. Sigh. Look around, dude. When has anyone ever walked away from me in better condition than when they met me? Yeah. 

Whatever. Fuck it, I'm out.

Melody (droopy eye and everything)

All's fair...

Well, I'm doing something I said I never would...I'm disabling comments. Due to the fact that Anna seems to have plenty to say but can't come say it to my face. She would rather post it in comments, so she can get attention because I know it's not so I'll see them. I don't read comments, not even those. I've heard from people that she's on here running at the mouth and that's all I need to hear. Oh but wait, maybe she can send her mom over to say them for her?

I think anyone who's been privy to her FB posts knows that she has more anger than sense and will say some of the stupidest shit about what she's doing at the moment and then wonder why they're using it against her in court. Super smart.

So even though she's on here going on about how selfless she was to try to take care of me and what a selfish cunt I am blah blah blah. THIS selfish cunt managed to control herself enough to NOT write about anything they could use against her. Because you know, I'm such a backstabbing bitch etc etc. *rolling eyes*

For someone who claims to not want to attract negative opinions, she sure went to the right place to do just that. As if the people reading this don't already have the lowest opinion of me possible. If anything they're pissed that she didn't let me die, which woulda been hard since the times I actually DID overdose, it was K looking after me, not her attention seeking ass.

If all you have to do is pull on my arm to wake me up, then I'm not dying, you ignorant cow, I'm just high as fuck.

Talking shit about me to K when he was here BEFORE I ever said anything about her, talking shit about me to Casey, again BEFORE I said a damn thing about her. In my own house. Classy.

I could go in and give a full explanation of what was happening to cause me to say what I did, but I won't. Not because of what it says about me but because of what it says about her. You know, coz I', just trashy like that. With a needle in my neck, hahaha. Sigh. Whatever. I'm out.

Sticky.

Anna is not speaking to me a-gain. Quelle surprise. She went through my phone when I was unconscious and found some texts to Casey bitching about her mothering me and some other stuff. In my defense, we were fighting that day. And I'm an asshole. BUT people know better than to go through other people's phones, because you are always gonna find something you aren't gonna like. Fact.

Anyway, I'm sure she'll get over it in a couple years. That bitch can hold a grudge like no other, haha. She doesn't need to be around me anyway, so best that it happened like this. Even if I am sorry her feelings were hurt. I just don't take well to getting woken up and put to bed unless you're planning on fucking me...which I'm assuming she wasn't.

I'm really thinking that no one needs to be around me, as I am a huge wrecker of lives simply by association. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, again it's just a fact. I do a lot of fucked up shit and a lot of drugs and if you're trying to keep your head straight, I am not the friend to have. I won't force anything on you but just know it's likely gonna be present in one form or another. And not everyone is as good at dealing with my insane schedule of: strungout...kicking...chipping...strungout...clean...strungout. It's a bitch of a way to live your life and most just get stuck on the strungout part.

I know everyone makes their own choices but if one of the reasons you're getting high so much is because I have too much time and money to spend on bad things, then yeah, I feel a tiny bit responsible. I mean, if I wasn't buying, you would be at home reading your bible or whatever the fuck you do to keep your brain occupied with un-dope-ish things.

The downside to the solitary existence that I'm suggesting, is that one of these days when I do get carried away, no one is gonna find me for days and ugh, what a fucking mess that will be! It'll make the rotten meat smell from last week seem pleasant by comparison. Unless it happens in the bath or something but...doubtful. I usually only shoot up in the bath when I have someone with me. Otherwise I just do it in the bedroom or at the bathroom counter. Nice! Big, rott-y mucky mess on my bed or slumped in front of the sink. THAT'S a pretty picture. I just bought this fucking bed, too. Blegh.

I suppose I ought to be careful *cough* and practice er...moderation *gag* but this town does not inspire me to do so. It makes me wanna do the stupidest shit imaginable. Like get super wasted. By myself.

Also like fucking around with a fairly sweet guy who I had mentioned months ago but not in detail. He's pretty cool. He's so Goddamned nice to me and where I once thought he was just unaware of my well earned reputation, I find he's fully filled in on the whole, rotten story. He still likes me.

Of course this won't last. Not if I let him have his way and start seeing met and meeting me places for whatever it is people do when they meet for something outside of buying drugs. I don't actually remember what that is but I'm sure it's something very worthwhile. Anyway, as soon as everyone sees him with me, and they will, he is gonna get bombarded with so much well meaning advice that continuing to see me will be a nightmare.

I digress. And I'm done here for now, just another random update that no one was expecting. It's probably the house arrest making me twitchy.

Oh and also: Krokodil pops up in Arizona. Isn't that just fucking awesome? Like there isn't enough bogging my brain down, now I have that to think on? Rad.

xoxo

M.L.

Oh yeah, and in case you were wondering...the above photo is where someone jerked off on a close up of my face, on their computer screen. That's riiiiight. Enjoy that like I did. Well...maybe not that much; you guys don't like him like I do *wink*

It's That SuperFly Shit.

And just like that...I'm over it. God GOD, I can't even bring myself to read that last post, ugh. What a bucketful of overdone sentimentality! Rebound accomplished, on to the next big thing.

Didn't take me long to remember why it didn't work out the first time, did it? It took...well however long it's been since that happened; a week? Maybe two? Shit, coulda been three days for all I can tell, this Cali heroin has kicked my ASS! I'm told I died 4 times that second night but I think that may be an exaggeration. What is clearly NOT an exaggeration is the fact that my somewhat intoxicated state wrought havoc on my usually non-existent emotions. It seems to have brought forth a spewing stream of...I don't know what to call  it but it was and is unacceptable.

I suppose it's what I was feeling at the moment but the moment has passed, friends. Oh fuck me has it passed. I am nowhere near looking for anything other than an occasional distraction and if I was, it wouldn't be one who can barely manage to look after himself. I believe we've been through that before.

I'm also not looking to be on the receiving end of any overly-religious girlfriend action. Ex or otherwise. That part is a bit up in the air, as I'm sure K knows better than to count on me for anything but last I heard it was iffy. Too bad, as I recommend that he run back to her and kiss as much ass as necessary to make sure that she never find out about anything that took place within these debauched walls.

Regina called it my den of iniquity but I think that's over-reaching. It's not like I'm running a gang of opiate addicted child prostitutes, for fuck's sake. It was a few nights of moderately decent er...stuff happening.

Ok look, I can give credit where it's due and he did a uh...bang up job, haha. It was fun and like being kids again but playtime is over. I sent him away yesterday. I was not in the mood for any of it and I'm still not. So I think that means I've progressed past whatever it is that I needed from him. Whether it was validation or simply familiar contact, I can't say. Maybe both.

What I can say is that I need to never-ever get re-involved with someone from my past. EVER. Except maybe the big C but that's a horse of a different color and not likely to happen. Although...he does miss me horribly, even if it did take him a week without me to realize how much. BUT, I will not be going back there, so unless he comes here, that shit is done.

He still thinks I was fucking everyone from Anthony to Ty to G but that's not a story for tonight. Actually...I have no story for tonight. I was just sitting here, wrinkling my nose at the stench coming from my guest room (it smells something like vomit, piss, blood and possibly...shit?) and thinking that I needed to get that bit about K off my chest.

And that I also need to check and make sure someone hasn't died in there, ugh. I'm not loving house-guests right now, not one bit. That room smells like a combination outhouse/slaughterhouse and that's with the door closed. If no one comes out by morning I shall have to investigate...

(pretty sure she's not dead but better safe than stuck with a horrendous Hazmat situation and a lot of explaining to do)

Stay tuned for more calamities from my little corner of paradise,

Melody Lee

*Edited* Oh God. I just read it. It is even worse than I thought. If I was the type to delete posts, that thing would be gone so fucking fast it'd be like it never existed! *grumbling* I fucking wish! Oh also...Hieeeeeee Edwin!!! That is all.

Harlot of Mass Destruction

Back in Cali, Bitchesssss! Haha, yeah. I did it, I packed my worthless ass up and came home. It never stopped being home, I know that now. I'll get into the 'feelings' bullshit some other time, that aspect of my change of address SO does not interest me right now. What does interest me is how much of an absolute harlot of mass destruction I am. Like for serious!

I've came to realize that somewhere in my convoluted little brain, I have a mis-fire (one of many), that makes me feel entitled to past boyfriends. Like if you've ever been mine, I still have rights to  you, even if you currently belong to someone else. Because you were mine first.

I know this doesn't make a lot of sense and I myself wasn't aware of it until I came back. I also know that my sexy ex-y's won't always be amenable to 'reconnecting' and that's fine BUT, if they are...ugh, look the fuck out! Show any sign of weakness and you're done for. At least if I decide I want you in return. Which I might, if the following is any indication. Sigh.

I contacted one of my ex's (K), so that I could do a favor for Eric and it was all over from there. We exchanged a few vague texts and said we'd hang out sometime and I thought that was it. I mean, he'd mentioned his girlfriend so many times that I was like...damn dude, I get it, you're seeing someone. I figured he was just setting some boundaries up front, because lets face it, he has been with me in the past, he knows me. A little too well.

Due to the non-committal tone I was getting from the 'lets hangout soon' I didn't really see it happening. Maybe we'd run into each other downtown sometime but not on purpose. I was wrong. Evidently he only needed a couple days to let the disease that is ME, steep into his system; he called on Wednesday night and asked if he could thru on Thursday. (there's this whole house arrest thing happening that I'll explain later). But the family was gone alllll day, so I was clear for the next 48 hrs.

He didn't mention dope, so I left it alone. He was clean and trying to be good about maintaining, which was why I hadn't pushed him about it. I can always score somewhere else, no big deal. I'm not exactly clean but I can use at my own discretion. I prepared myself for a long day of catching up (meh), and not doing heroin (double meh). He surprised me on both.

When he showed up, he looked good. Healthy but not with that sometimes bloated Methadone look. He wasn't on that anymore either. I opened the door and he looked at me kinda weird, hugged me for a few mins and said he'd missed me. I responded in kind, he hadn't been here long enough for me to decide if I'd missed him or not but saying so might be construed as rude. He smelled nice though...for a big sweaty jerk.

He told me he'd called "Billy" on the way over and he was gonna drop by with something. K wanted to get high, lay in bed and nod out watching movies, like we had in the old days. I was not hating the idea, having had a few more minutes to consider, I decided that I HAD missed him. How much exactly, became relative to the amount of time he was here. By nightfall I'd missed him more than any-goddamn-body I could think of. HOW had I existed all this time without him??? Yeah. Anyway.

We went to smoke and wait for B and apparently the passing of time had an effect on him as well, coz the longer we stood there, the closer he got to me. Until finally he pulled me onto his lap, his arms around me holding me against him and sharing a cigarette. It felt disturbingly familiar and way too comfortable. Then when we got up to go inside, he kissed me. It was very g-rated but still not something his girlfriend would appreciate.

Unfortunately, my concern for his girlfriend was evaporating faster than fuuuuuuck. I basically forgot she even existed...or no, I knew she did, I just stopped caring. A significant part of me was elated by the fact that he would still be into me after all I'd done to him in the past. That I could still make him want me, even though he'd been loving someone else for almost 2 years. Did I mention that this 'significant part' of me is pure concentrated evil? Hmmm, I thought not. Though I'm sure everyone is aware....

So we get the shit, I fix it up and we do our respective shots and I can already see where this is going. We've too easily fallen back into the routine of so many years ago. He finishes, comes over and pulls the needle out of me, licks the blood off and rinses it. And I'm lost, just like that, just like he knew I would be.

The rest of the day/night/next morning was spent getting high and doing shit that no girlfriend EVER deserves to hear about. I didn't fuck him but does that even matter? I did enough. And I knew it was jacked up and I didn't care...coz he was mine first. Until I threw him away. And now I'm not even sure I want him back? I just want to see if I can get him? What in the fuck is my problem!?!

She'd been texting him continuously, like her GF-sense was tingling and when I made some comment about him getting in trouble, he said he didn't care and turned off his phone. For the next 20 hours. That girl had to sit and wonder where the fuck he was  for a whole day and night and me? I laughed. I laughed when he said it and I laughed louder when he did it. Because I'm an evil cunt and evidently I need validation from someone who isn't nearly well equipped enough to deal with my brand of crazy. Because although I don't regret leaving Casey (did I mention that? haha), I am just not used to being alone anymore.

By far the most dangerous thing about K is that when we were together, it was good. It was fucked up and fun and we turned every day looking to score, into a game that always ended with some sort of sexual shenanigans once we'd gotten well. It was during a time when we were both so young and stupid that it could be a game and wildly romanticized.

How it ended was entirely my fault, as it usually is. He was too sweet, too affectionate, too complimentary...too in love. I started to feel overwhelmed and like I couldn't possibly live up to what he thought we had. I was too dumb to know that he was in love with me, not the lifestyle we'd immersed ourselves in.

I was also being selfish and Casey was back in the picture. I'd started seeing him as well as K and in one deftly destructive move, I made sure K knew it. This involved letting Casey do some super inappropriate shit to me while K was laying half nodded on the other side of us.

Of course he caught on and of course I said something ridiculous like "I'm sorry babe, I thought you'd be into it *pout* after all, you and Casey? What girl wouldn't want that?" Ugh. I was SUCH a lame cow! It broke his fucking heart and even though he was willing to let it go, I did some other shit that made it impossible.

I feigned various illnesses and eventually dipped out to Europe with my mom. K didn't even know I was back until I sent Ed and Adam over to pick up my records a month and a half later. It was brutal, not well done of me at all. I was told he cried but they could've just said that coz they're assholes and thought it was funny.

Did I also forget to mention that I got him started on H? Yeah, I thought maybe I had. Fuck. He came to me looking for it and I gave it to him, knowing what would happen. I even told him what would happen but like so many people do, he thought he could handle it. We all know how that turns out.

I'd been strungout for a couple years when we split but he was just a baby junky, only having used during the time we'd been together. After that Europe thing he really dove in and has even said that I made him what he is. Or what he was, which is to say, a heroin addict for the last 16 yrs or so. Cool huh? Yay me.

So anyone who knows us in real life will probably realize who I'm talking about, it's a pretty well known story in this town. I wrote about it before and trivialized it, like an asshole. It wasn't real to me anymore, I hadn't seen him in so long. It was just a story.

Fortunately for him, this story has been played out so many times, in such similar ways, that it really only narrows his possible identity to a handful. Yup, I'm an a-fucking-trocious human being. You heard it here first. Or not.

So now I'm at odds with how to proceed. Anna tells me he didn't seem to like his GF too much to begin with, the way he was talking to and about her. I tell Anna that this is irrelevant coz *rolling eyes*...it just is. Peter tells me to take him if I want him and the only problem with that is: I don't know if I should wreck someones life on a whim because I haven't acclimated to being on my own yet.

Becca tells me to have fun and don't get caught. And K? He hasn't said too much but when Anna dared snark at the grope-fest, he said "Oh shut the fuck up, Anna! This is what we do. If she finds out, she knows what to do...fuck her."

So I guess that's it. Fuck her. Somebody should; Coz it looks as if he may be busy with me for awhile...UNLESS. Unless he's wised up and blows me off, as well he should. I deserve it and then some.


Melody
 

Dead in Love

I have become unspeakably lazy when it comes to writing and it's starting to bother me a teensy bit. I'll work on that, which should make everyone feel better. Or I guess that depends on which side of the fence you happen to favor. If you actually want to read about me, then it's excellent. If you fall into the majority, which is to say, people who wish I would contract a super lethal strain of HIV and expire, well then I guess not, haha. Whatever. Eat shit and live loooooooooong, motherfucker(s), death is far too good for you.

Moving on; I'm detoxing and I don't really feel like doing this but I guess it's time. Is this what they call suffering for your (un-) 'art'? I'm going with yes. So I'll continue by saying that I've proven once again (YES AGAIN), how inconstant I am. In some noble attempt to save someone from himself, I have removed my *MY-self from the equation. What an exceptional thing for me to do; I'm SUCH a good person. (Shut up). For my next trick...

Anyway, yeah that happened but I'm sure that further down the line he will be ecstatic to have dodged the bullet that is Melody Lee. I will fuck your shit up proper if you let me, it's what I do. Whether it's intentional or not depends on the situation but it's invariably what happens. Ask around...take a poll...whatever makes you feel better.

I can be a lot of fun but totally not worth it. The best you can hope for is that maybe I gave you some good shit to remember along with the bad stuff I assured you was a great idea. I'm not Devil's advocate; I'm the Devil. And there's A LOT of bad shit that I fully endorse. It's a helluva list...

 I said I would make them hate me and damned if it's not headed that way. It's for the best, really. I'm not something you hang on to for long, keeping me close will make you crazy or kill you. Or make you crazily want to kill yourself. Mmhmm.

Adrian had to take a nice, long 'rest' in a booby-hatch because of what went down. How much was actually me and how much was a semi-serious case of meth psychosis, is up for  debate but when asked, he lay the blame squarely at my door. So there ya go. I drive people to erm...distraction (bug. nuts.) Make like Op-Ivy and Take Warning: this product is  known to cause confusion, depression, mania, obsession, drunkenness, delusions, self doubt, paranoia, stalking, nightmares, nocturnal emissions and is NOW rumored to make you certifiable. Yes that's right, insane.

But aside from that, I'm a totally awesome person! Hahaha, I swear to Jesus, why don't  people ever learn? It should be fairly easy to do, as it's outlined in my basic intro. Spend more than a few days around me and I'll tell you how it's gonna go. ( Hint: Not well, dumb-ass!).

I suppose that's the main issue, that I seem to have no problem attracting people. I don't know...I just. don't. know. It truly makes one fear for the future of the species, how obtuse a human being can be. Someone told me the other day that I have a weird, self destructive charisma (LAME!) and I dunno about that, I just know I'm best avoided.

Hmm... what I could've done with that kind of magnetism, had I the motivation to fully abuse it. If it were true, I mean. Which it *might be...to an extent. I rather think that it's just a super refined form of manipulation that I secrete like a pheromone. It's become completely involuntary at this point in my life. I'm thinking it must've developed quite early which means I'm not rotten, I'm just hyper-evolved. Just let that sink in for moment, hahaha.

 Fuck. This is a sad, sorry update and I'm sure it's not the kind of juicy bullshit y'all were hoping for but I'll get to that. I have a strange, skin-crawly feeling that I will be posting quite a bit of garbage for the next few days. But you know, sometimes I'm a liar...

It's been...like some seriously fucked up shit on a day to day basis. There's  a lot of new people in my life and some of the old ones too. Even been hangin' out with a bitch, if you can believe that! They usually don't care for me and the feeling is mutual (hookers!), but we get along  pretty well and she's down for whatever, which is always nice. I'm thinking we'll find some shit to get into today but that's tentative. We'll see...

Adrian is in AZ visiting his momma, so he's been leaving me alone for a minute. He seems improved but he was always good at hiding his bullshit until it's vibrating somewhere between Phil Specter and Gary Ridgeway. Then he just explodes with that tiresome angst of his and I have to distance myself. I'm just not built to deal with that kinda drama.

 I am not very sympathetic; I know I come off as a caring, nurturing type but no. I'm entirely too selfish and easily annoyed to give a fuck about his issues, even  if they are partially my fault. I mean, they say it's my fault but I'm not truly convinced...it just sounds like a cop out. Don't be so fucking weak, dude. Yeah, that sounds shitty; whatever.

You know, all these years people have been telling me that I act and think like a dude and I finally realized that's not exactly it. I'm just callous and dis-associated from emotions that don't effect me directly i.e. not mine. I really only care when it's me, other people's problems become a drag after about 2 minutes and that's a generous estimate. If saying that makes me some offshoot of a sociopath, so be it.

Alright, maybe the above is an oversimplification of the problem but it's about 99% accurate. I DO care, on occasion but over the years, most of my 'give a fuck' has been wrung out of me and I'm just over it. People are a bunch of whining, soul sucking twats. I know this for a fact.

Sometimes I think it must be retribution for something I've done...can't imagine what that would be though.

I know this is getting to be broken record status, but I really need to get the fuck out of New Mexico. I'm not sure where I want to go anymore, I've been away from Cali for so long, I'm almost afraid to go back. Des wants to move us to Espanola but I told her we'd be dead in a month. THAT is also a generous estimate.

I'm so tired of Casey and his constant drunken martyr act that for the first time in years, I'm seriously considering moving on. Either you want me or you don't, make up your pickled mind. You can't tell me to leave one minute and then act like you never said it the next. I KNOW what's wrong with me, I don't require a verbal reminder every time you over-imbibe, YOU FUCKING TOOL. Ugh! I cannot abide a drunkard! It's such an...undignified vice. At my worst I can still vocalize what it is I need to get across, not slur my words like a half a goddamned re-tard. Once I wake up, that is. Just not my kind of substance, I guess.

I'm losing momentum here. I just had a 30 minute extreme incest call that kinda put me off anything but taking a long fucking shower, blech! No worries, I'll post this and be back ranting about something else before you know it. I PROMISE.
M.L.

New Year- Same Me

Hmmm, been awhile, yeah? I honestly don't know what the fuck to write, as there is so much that's changed and yet is so typically me, that it is exactly the same.
I just had a month long...adventure that will come as no surprise to most of you. It was good. Really good. The details aren't important but as Eyelick put it "At least is shows that you aren't too good to fuck with the fan club." Succinct. I think that sums it up perfectly. I am not too good and definitely not afraid, haha. If anything, I should've been more afraid, of consequences of the whole situation. But as past record has shown, I am a sucker for devotion. Nothing more devoted than willing to fly across the country and put up with my shit for a whole month. I mean...could you? Exactly.
Not just me but also all the people around me. He had to deal with a whole cast of assholes, constantly making themselves a nuisance. He had to deal with tar and he had to deal with the almost schizophrenic atmosphere that surrounds me. It's...frenetic and there's always someone going to jail or just getting out or running from the cops or smashing mirrors with their  bare fists coz I'm in the bathroom with all the dope. It's a real clusterfuck of anxiety inducing activity.
Lucky for him I manage to offset it by being so amazing, hahaha. I think. Or he was lying to me to benefit himself, either way is cool. it doesn't need to be genuine, I just to like to hear it.
Others came and went but he stayed a month, so is probably pretty qualified now to tell everyone what a shithead I am. I keep telling him he should write a brief review and rate me on...well, whatever comes to mind. He's not interested at the moment but I'll keep after him and let y'all know.
He'd even have the photos to prove it, imagine that! Hahaha, at this point, what the fuck could I have to lose? I'm sure there's something but do i even care anymore? Did I ever? Most likely not or I wouldn't keep doing what I do. I'm my own vicious cycle.
 I am gonna admit that yes, these 18ish-25 yr olds are way more prone to putting up with my crap than someone old enough to know better. That doesn't necessarily mean anything, because when you get down to it, I don't give one fat shit if you can deal with me or not. That's why I'm so popular, haha. If you like me, that's cool, I may even like you back. If you love me, I will probably make you wish you were dead but that's another story.
If you don't like me, not even a little bit (which is hard coz I'm amazingly likable for being such a dick), eh...not my problem. You go ahead and waste time thinking about how loathsome I am and I'll do something else that I guarantee will have nothing to do with you whatsoever.
So there you have it. Stalk me online for a few years, eventually take the leap and talk to me consistently for another year. Make me laugh and shower me with attention and maybe you too can one day say that you got to bask in my presence and get fucked up with me for a WHOLE MONTH! I may even stick needles in you and let you fall asleep with me in various states of undress. Just don't love me, coz now he does and it's just a waiting game to see how long before he hates me, equally. Shall we take bets?
M.L.

Tricky Tricky Tricky...

God. Anyone commenting on posts that has personal knowledge of me is sooooo misinformed if they think they're exposing anything about me that hasn't been public knowledge for ages. Like really.
Strung out and knocked up...yup. Not a huge secret. Same goes for the way I looked before during and after. Social pariah? No shit. Fat? Duh. Hooker? Check. Selling dope? Uh yeah!
So whatever. As for everything else, maybe you were there or maybe you weren't, it's not super important and I'm not the only one who saw the way shit went down. Once? Really...really? If you say so.  Christ, Anna...back me up here.
I'm not spilling anything that half the fucking town don't already know, man. I mean honestly. If someone wants me to take shit down, they know where to find me. And that was such a class move pulling AD's covers. I didn't even do that, I called him something else.
As for The whole long suffering 'Saint Casey' bullshit, yeah he's put up with a lot of shit from me. His choice. I also took a lot of crap from him but people like to forget about that. He's not stupid, he knows what's up.
How, you ask? Coz I tell him myself, for the most part. And check it out, I didn't wanna mention it because it sounds skeevy as fuck but he was here for the last icky part of the Adrian/Sammi episode. He saw what happened and thought it was hilarous and kinda pathetic on Ade's part. It wasn't me sucking his dick, so why the hell would he care?  Not wasting any more time on this. Just my bi-annual comment check, haha.

That comment on my last post from a pseudo Adrian made my morning though. I can pretty much guarantee that he's not lapping up jack. He's beyond unhappy with me right now. If it was him...which I seriously doubt, even though he does read this dreck, he's taking it a lot better than I've heard. Not really his style, though.
Maniac says that I should be very wary if A invites me to go for a drive in the desert, coz he's definitely losing his shit over this. Um...really? Tell me something I don't know. I've been saying he's gonna put me in the ground for months now, so long drives? Nah, I'm cool.
I guess his nose isn't broken, just...fractured? It's taped or something like that, I haven't seen it but that's what I hear. So I suppose I didn't hit him hard enough. It bruised the fuck outta my hand though.
Now there's this whole situation about someone who's homeboys think he's bullshitting about seeing me. Really? If someone was gonna fictionalize a bitch they were hooking up with, they could do a helluva lot better than me. That's just dumb. I am SO fucking wrecked, tracked up etc, why would you do that? DUMB. So if said homeboys are reading this, YEAH, it's all true.
I'm no Goddamned prize, everyone knows that but he likes me, what can I say? He's an idiot but a pretty damned cute one and to tell y'all I adore him is putting it mildly. He knows it and now you know it...well I hope he knows it. I tell him daily, so he should and that is SO not like me. I'm not the lovey type, shocking, ain't it? But for him...anything. Got that, sweetheart? Anything. I know you occasionally read this mess, so enjoy that.
I also regularly make an asshole out myself posting about it on various sites, much to the delight of Regina and company. Everyone LOVES it when I look retarded. Mmhmm, that's what I'm here for; to look stupid so you feel better about yourselves and to not give a fuck about it one way or the other.
But enough now, this stupid chair is hurting my ass (my BIG FAT ASS) and the dilaudid I did last night has made me twitchy this morning. Did what I always do and cleaned up for a week just to get some H last Friday, take sub for 2 days and then Dillys last night. Pretty much canceled out the clean time and put me back to square one. Yay me. Melody sooooo smart! Hahaha...go fuck yourselves. HARD.
Keeeeeeessssessss,
Melody Lee.

Vice as Virtue? THAT I can do. (Monster Update)

That that last little thing was kinda ick, huh? Like I said before, not as if I can make those so inclined think less of me any-damn-how.
Fuck. So much happening and not happening...I have no idea where to start. There's something going on with me that I'm just not gonna spill. Yeah, it involves someone(s) around here and that's all you're gonna get. And no, it's not Adrian or Richie. And it's definitely not MK.
A vague picture may emerge about what's going on but the hardcore details will not. Since I'm not being real forthcoming about that, I'll tell you about some other crazy shit that's happened.

First incident:

It's 1 am, Casey is being a bit of a dick, I'm on the phone talking to _______and Francis keeps calling through.

He needs new points.

*I'll put them in the mailbox.

Can I give him Manny's cell number?

*505-___-____.

He has me covered if I need it tomorrow.

*Awesome, I'll be sure to call as soon as I wake up, sick as fuck.

So I think that's it for the night and settle in to enjoy what's left of my dope and my phone conversation. Then about 15 minutes later I hear something outside, ignore it and go on about my business, hoping beyond hope that it's not Adrian's GF breaking shit again.
It's not.
Seconds pass and there's a knock on the door; it's Francis...holding a toddler. It's after midnight, he's on foot and the blonde/blue eyed baby is clearly not one of his.

Me: "Uh...yeah?"

Francis:" There was some guy trying to get in your ride, so I put him down."

Me: "What?"

Francis:" There was some fool trying to climb in your ride, so I told him, "Yo homey, step away from home girl's ride. He just kept on, I didn't tell him twice. He's layed out in your driveway."

I looked past him and sure enough, there was a body laying next to the driver's side door. "Um thanks? ...why are you holding that baby, who's is it and were you holding it when you clocked him?"
He looked over his shoulder and said, "Casey working tomorrow? Call me in the morning." then hitched the kiddo higher on his hip and took off in the direction of K's house. Yeah.

Second incident, next night:

I've been blowing up Francis' cell since around 11am. Motherfucker says he's got me, you better believe I'm gonna make sure he comes through on it. He calls around 3pm, shitfaced on H and Xanax. He's on his way to K's and then coming by to hook me up. Mmhmm. As it's taken him approx 10 mins to form 3 sentences, I figure I'll be well...oh sometime around 9 pm. Bully for Xanax.
He surprises me by showing up a full hour ahead of my estimate and proceeds to give me several healthy shots over the next few hours. Gracias, Francis, I never doubted you for a minute.
He's feeling good and launches into a monologue about how he and I 'clicked' from the beginning and that he's closer to me that he'll ever be to Casey. We're like blood etc etc.
Sitting on the kitchen floor in a puddle of my own loadedness, I agree and we go back and forth jerking each other off about Dopefiend pacts to always look out for one another regarding dope and have each other's back; all the usual crap that tends to spew forth when people are high and content.
Don't get me wrong, I'll hold up my end as best I can but I'm not stupid. Junkies is junkies is junkies and you take what we say with a grain of salt or you're a fucking idiot. Heroin reigns supreme and promises kept are usually done on our own time, if at all. Nature of the beast, no point in denying it.
So he leaves around 12 am and heads down to K's. About an hour or so later I get a call from MK telling me that Francis is gonna kill K and her BF and that I need to talk him down. I sigh and get on with it.

The story goes:

An very loaded Francis passes out on K's couch and wakes up to find that he's missing 1 and 1/2 G's of tar. For a millisecond he think he may have dropped it but when K and her BF barricade themselves in the bathroom he starts to wise up.
MK shows right around the time F is getting ready to shoot through the window and gets him back inside. When I get him on the line he's pretty fucking pissed, that was literally the rest of his shit and now he's gonna be short on the re-up. I tell him to calm down and that if someone doesn't make it right, we'll take care of it later. Get out of there before he kills someone over a rat ass G and a half. MK promises to see it done and I think we're good. I can do my last shot and pass out. Nope.
A few mins later I get the call and all that BS about having each other's back comes around to bite me in the ass. They need a ride, like NOW. I'm really not excited to find out what's happened but I owe Francis in a big way for taking care of me earlier, so I'm kinda stuck. However, my car is currently fucked and I can't drive it anywhere, so I tell them to come here.
F grabs the phone and tells me to walk up to K's and in the spirit of cooperation, I go. I'm thinking maybe he wants I should hurt her a little and I can do that much, at least. Me and her have history and it won't break my heart to fuck her up.
I walk up and see Francis standing on the front porch with a laptop under each arm and MK has one as well. Fuckin' A. I reiterate that my car is fucked and Francis smiles and nods to K's truck. Well shit, why didn't I think of that? K and her BF are nodded out in the bathroom and will be that way for quite some time, so yeah, lets do it. I don't even feel bad, bitch has it coming for being a sheisty cow.
I'm driving because F has no license and MK is currently absconding from some court ordered program. It's funny how shit works out.
Three houses away from our destination, we get pulled over for the cracked windshield on K's ghetto-ass truck. Cool as fuck, I calmly get the pertinent paperwork from the glove compartment, hand over my license and proceed to act like nothing is wrong.
F is super slick about shoving rigs down his pants and I'm surprised that the cop doesn't arrest us all on the spot. We slip by with a warning. No joke.
I drop them at B's and drive the truck back, park it in K's driveway, throw the keys at her front door and walk home, secure in the knowledge that I have made good on my half of the Dopefiend pact.

Third incident, a few days later:

Adrian has been driving me crazy the past couple days. He's been using Fran's FB account to spy on me and is not pleased about being my 'practice run'. He's been alternately calling and showing up and it all goes something like "You're gonna rip out those kid's hearts, you don't know any other way to be."
I've been a pretty good sport about it until now. I know he's going through some shit over what's happened between us and I'm trying to be understanding but this night I'm drinkin. So understanding is in short supply.
After a too long phone call where he says the same thing, several different ways, my stupid drunk ass starts to agree with him. I proceed to make a huge tool of myself by leaving angsty, semi-coherent messages for all involved. *sigh* They include such choice passages as: "Just walk away now.." "Run far and fast" "It's stupid to love me" "...make you wish you were dead".Yeah. HUGE tool. Fucking Adrian!
So then I get summoned by Rainman because he needs me to ride along to some bitch tweeker's trailer and take care of shit if she doesn't come clean about some product that went MIA. Drunk me thinks this is a fine idea, as all this self-reflection has left me with an undeniable urge to hurt something. Come scoop me up and lets do this.
About halfway there I come to fully realize what an asshat I've made of myself via earlier messages and that there is no conceivable way to erase them. This serves to make me extremely annoyed.
By the time we get where we're going, I see K's truck parked outside. Excellent. We push our way inside and within seconds me and K are having words. Well she is, I'm just waiting for the opportunity to introduce my fist to her face. I get it when she brags about ripping Francis and it's on.
She gets her hits in but so do I and when they pull us apart she's the one bleeding. I tell her we should finish up outside and she declines. Or rather she goes around me, out the door and drives off. Whatever, I've made my point.
The bitch we're there to see has a change of heart and tells R-man what he wants to hear, so in a way, I did what was asked of me. We leave and head back to R's compound. On arrival I see, guess who? Adrian. I'm not there 2 minutes before he starts in. Awesome.
I'm still all amped up from the scuffle with K, still kinda buzzed and SO not feelin' the messages I left earlier. It takes mere moments for me to decide that A is to blame for my having left them in the first place. I mean, not completely but still...HIS FAULT. Not entirely but yeah.

It went down like this:

I'm standing there and I hear him droning on but I'm getting so pissed that it's like a buzzing in my ears, I can't make out all the words. And all I know is that this is gonna end badly but I'm strangely ok with it. My head clears as he's getting to the good part, "Those stupid motherfucking kids don't even know what they're walking into. No pussy is worth this bullshit."
So I say, "Oh yeah? You must be pretty Goddamn stupid yourself, coz what the FUCK...are you still doing here?" Then I broke his nose. Left handed even.
Everything after that is not too clear but I remember Maniac walking me outside and telling me not to sweat it and that Adrian's just jealous and has been bitching for days about how these guys are moving up on the food chain and he's been here all along, putting in the time. He's 'earned it' but gets nothing. Boo. Hoo.
I'll do who I want, when I want or maybe not at all. It's one of the luxuries of being me. The moral of the story is that some people never learn. Below is yesterday's correspondence from A. Yeah, I'm a cunt, never doubt it.

[Date: Wed, 20 Jun 2012 18:59:28 -0700
From: adrian k**** adrian_****@yahoo.com
Subject: read me
To: candyoh13@hotmail.com

this is bcuz i know you won't see me. i want you to remember when it wasnt this. you fuck me up bad i don't know why i do shit the way i do. hey not trying to blame you but not this way any other time. can you talk to me? not mad about what happened. my fault and you told me it would i need to talk. remember the drive from espa? it used to be like that and this came on and it was all good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKgLmRrlD8E (Hideous Marilyn Manson-Heart Shaped Glasses)

From: melody c candyoh13@hotmail
To: adrian_****@yahoo.com
Sent: Wednesday, June 20, 2012 8:10 PM
Subject: RE: read me

Adrian. Are you fucking retarded...like clinically? I LOATHE that song. If YOU remember correctly, I was way close to letting you touch me in the car until I noticed this was on and decided I couldn't possibly be molested to Marilyn Manson. EVER.
You can basically thank this song for the fact that you DID NOT get any of this "pussy that is not worth the bullshit" and then move the fuck on. I have. Please see yourself out.

Date: Wed, 20 Jun 2012 18:59:28 -0700
From:  adrian ***** adrian_****@yahoo
Subject: Re: read me
To: candyoh13@hotmail.com

youre such a bitch

From: melody c candyoh13@hotmail.com
To:  adrian_****@yahoo
Sent: Wednesday, June 20, 2012 8:23 PM
Subject: RE: read me

GOD...you are being SUCH a fucking vagina! I've always been a cunt, Adri...you're the bitch. Furthermore. In regards to that song: MY eyes are brown...asshole. You should actually know that, what w/your weird eye contact issues. Or are you blind as well as stupid?

Now FUCK OFF.]

Is it mean? Yeah, it is. Will it keep him the hell away from me? That’s debatable but it’s worth a try. I don’t hate him but he needs to carry on elsewhere, I’m not doing him any good.
If being a grade A asshole is what it takes to save him from himself...well that I can do.

Not sure why the links on the e-mails are all retarded but I don't really care. Safe to say that everyone already has my e-mail and you won't get far with adrian_****@yahoo but that's never stopped anyone before. Have fun with that.

Melody Lee.

Awkward Doesn't Even Come Close.

I'm doing it again. I kinda just Billy Idol-ed and I can see things rapidly deteriorating from there. If you pay attention (and have an awful lot of fucking time on your hands), you can decipher exactly what's going on with me by whatever I'm listening to. 80's pop can go either way but Billy? Billy means trouble. Rich is coming to visit, late tonight maybe and it just lines up with the time I'll be highhhhhh and a very happy girl all around...

Well THAT never materialized. I DID get high but only after a very tedious and convoluted process which involved Smash (who has been christened 'Smashley') and me leaving Casey a nice note and fleeing town for 12 hrs. This was mainly because Francis fucked everything up and I got tired of waiting around.
So we made it to Espanola around 2am and got good and loaded before coming back, hence the extra six hours. It was nice. It was also 2 fucking weeks ago, so no point in getting into the rest of that now.
I need a cigarette, a REAL one. These e-things are ok but for what I'm dealing with right now, only a real one will do.
So yeah, I'm fucked but not literally, so that's something, right? OF COURSE it is, you asshole(s), whether you admit it or not. I might be an unholy mess but I know where my lines are and when not to cross them. Fine though they might be, as long as I can see them, who gives a fuck if anyone else can.
Take steps to justify your actions to your self first, if at all and should you decide you can live with it, more power to ya. If you can't, you should be in another line of work.
And it IS work, don't let anyone tell you that being a full time fuck up is easy, it's not. You log more miles than a truck driver, both literally and figuratively. And when it's good, it's really, really good but when it's bad, it's fucking brutal. You deal with it and move on...or you don't.
Now there's a lot happening and so much that I'm not gonna tell you...yet. But I will, eventually. I guess it turns out I'm a truly horrible person but I went through the aforementioned steps and eh, I'm cool with it.
Some Caligula-ish happenings this past week have taken their toll on mine and Ade's already fragile relationship but what can I say? Not my idea, NOT my problem. For your peace of mind I will tell you that no brother-sister action took place, just...just other stuff. GOSH Sammi, it was SO nice seeing you again, girl! Haha, messed uuuuuuup.
Nah, it really was nice to see her and probably would've worked out better if Adrian wasn't a fuckhead and had kept his attention where he should've, not on me. Idiot.
Crap. Now I feel like I'm being forced to reveal more than I'd intended, just so everyone is clear on the fact that I was NOT actively participating in 99.9% of what was going down. Literally going down. And whether you believe me on that is not real crucial because I think we all know that if it was imperative that I blow that fool, I so would've done it by now. Simple as that. I got no fucking shame, just a fairly serious oral fixation that I've managed to keep a decent handle on for the last 4 years.
Anyway, I think I deserve some recognition for keeping unauthorized dick outta my mouth and away from my general vicinity. For the most part anyway and am I the only one who is LOVING the way 'unauthorized dick' sounds? LOVE IT.
So to make a long story short, Sammi +Adrian's dick in her mouth+ his weird eye contact with me = some seriously awkward bullshit. As L. pointed out, it would've been waaaaaaay fucked up if Sam knew he was doing it but luckily she didn't notice.
You may be asking yourself, "WHAT...the hell is wrong with this cow, why didn't she just beat feet the hell outta there?" So to that, I'll reply, "BECAUSE THEY WERE PRACTICALLY ON TOP OF ME! And being that I'm super chill and rad in every way, I didn't want to be that bitch who broke up the BJ party...OK??? Fuck.
Furthermore, we were all so Goddamned high, that it just didn't seem like a big deal. I was fine ignoring it until Adrian looked back at me and implemented his creepy, unwavering stare and oh yeah, HELD MY FUCKING HANDS!!! Uh-huh. Guess who almost got broken fingers for her trouble? Yeah.
So anyway, I think I really do need a vacation, even if it is to loathsome Las Vegas. I'll be too fucked up to care where I am anyway, so yay dope. It's necessary and besides that, I promised and actually meant it this time.

So that’s all for now
Melody Lee


P.S. I just found a rather baffling pool of dried blood on my bedroom windowsill. Hmmm...great to be me, ain't it?

Call Me...Unreliable

3 posts in less than 6 months, what can be going on with me? I'm bored as fuck and have a few hours to kill so may as well do it here. I can't find anyone online to antagonize, which is a shame. I especially like be shitty to my best home girl Anna Banana because she's such a freakin fruitcake. Nothing better than being bothersome from multiple states away, it's like poking her with a stick, long distance. Oh blow me, it's done out of love.
I heard she came to defend my honor but pretty much took her and Laura's word for it, as I'm done fucking around with a bunch of retarded-ass comments, for the time being. Maybe in a few months I'll feel confrontational enough to launch a full scale assault but for now...fuck all ya'll, I couldn't give a shit less.
I burned a huge damn hole in my wrist and am still kinda surprised that I never felt it but then again, maybe I'm not. Scorching your flesh down through a few layers tends to wake you up, no matter how loaded you are but perhaps I've crossed over into a whole other plane of fucked-up-ed-ness. Or I was technically OD'd and just happened to wake up before that pesky respiratory distress had time to really take hold. I thought I was over getting that high but it looks like it's making a comeback. Just like moi. Don't call it a comeback etc etc..
Lets have a moment of silence for the 2 boys that were shot in the yard of someone I know for no particular reason. Oh except that they were black. *sigh* The stupidity of that whole situation kinda speaks for itself, so I won't flog it here. I will say he (shooter) is a jerk off and someone shoulda put him in the dirt eons ago but what‘s it matter? Boys are still dead. Enjoy prison genius, hope it was worth it just coz you don't like black guys. Moron.
My other best girl came to visit me a couple weeks ago and it was a pretty interesting 12 days. Francis tried his considerable charms on her, only to be brutally rebuffed. Partially due to the misfortune of his having been up for something like 5 days. Plus he bore a striking resemblance to spegakked chicken every time he opened his mouth, fairly sure that didn't help him out either.
Oh and about that...his meth breath of death nearly brought Ms K1tten to her knees and not in the way he'd been anticipating. I was a little geeked myself and pretty much stayed perched atop the couch arm tending to my glassware the entire night, but even from there I was able to thoroughly enjoy the show.
She attempted to render the spot next to her as narrow and uninviting as possible, but that only served to make him squeeze in closer and inadvertently blow fetid gusts of poop mouth up her nostrils. Combine that with what he evidently thought was sexy spanglish wooing and you have some serious entertainment.
I half heartedly tried to intervene but it was made difficult as I had to keep leaving the room to laugh hysterically. Like a geeked hyena.
At one point I ran smack into her in the kitchen, she was in mid-flight to the bathroom. She stopped long enough to frantically whisper, "Melody! His breath smells like he's been eating dogshit...A LOT!!!" then saw him hot on her trail and proceeded to lock herself in the john. I almost urinated right there, I was laughing so hard; it was just too much for my over-stimulated brain to handle.
Francis smacked his pasted lips and looked at me like I was losing my mind, then proceeded to set up camp outside the door to ply his charms via keyhole. For a moment I thought she might attempt to exit out the window but he eventually got distracted by a phone call.
The second volley of suitors included Smash, who tried a whole different tactic. He was very polite and sweet and slightly helpless. It played on her mothering instincts, especially when he turned blue and we had to slap the shit out of him. She patiently walked him all around the house until he got his color back and then I left to go entertain Casey in the other room. We could hear them cooing to each other and thought things were going quite well until S made a fatal misstep and said, "I just don't wanna get off on the wrong foot, in case there's a chance of a relationship..." You could practically hear her cringe and it was all over from there.
We crossed paths in the hallway later that morning and she had accumulated quit a list of annoyances which she capped off by saying, "Not to be a bitch or anything, but I think it's time Smash WENT THE FUCK HOME." We made it happen as soon as possible, mostly for his sake because any longer and she would've kicked him in the face and crammed his chain smoking head in the toilet. Don't fuck with Ms K1tty and sure as hell don't mention the word 'relationship' less than 6 hours after you've first laid eyes on her, hahaha. Poor Smash.
I was inordinately short of meth-head mexican gang bangers at the time, probably on account of I don't really hangout with that many. I mean, there's a few but Adrian is white, R-man is a half-breed (like Cher) and MK may wish otherwise but he's the whitest wannabe Mexican you ever saw, though he's as pretty as a Sunday insert for Abercrombie and Fitch. But yeah I guess there's a few beaners lurking about, haha, me for instance.
I also think you all are underestimating just how hard it is to get along with 'methhead gang bangers'. I mean really! I know I make it seem effortless but come on. If you're ever burdened with my mouthiness, surrounded by individuals who may or may not be armed and may or may not be nursing a bout of meth psychosis, then we can talk.
But all that is old news and having had somewhat of an eventful, yet totally retarded week, I've decided to lay some shit out here in the open. Mainly because writing it down helps me to get it all straightened out in my head and it's not like there's anything I can say that could make y'all think less of me than you already do. As if that even registers.
I'm just going through one of these grrr-kinda periods in my life where things are way more complicated than I care for. Yes it's 99% my fault but that's not really the point, the point is that I need to get stuff clear in my own mind, so I can then get it untwisted in my day to day and move on. Spring cleaning, if you will.
Now anyone who has been keeping up knows that I had a minor thing happening with Richie. It falls into the category of mild flirtations and though it could've easily gotten icky, it never really did and probably never will. I'll attribute this to Rich being even more of a sociopath-in-training than I am and no matter what kind of spiel he tried to lay on me, deep down we both knew he was full of shit. He might like me, he may even love me but not in a way that complicates things. He tries to see how far he can push me and likes it when I push back, it's a mutual tease and I can get into that as long as it's not constant. His forcible, then permanent relocation to Colorado has made it extremely easy to deal with, so I can check him off the list and proceed.
Next is Adrian *sigh* and that has evolved into something that most days I just try to forget about altogether. I have taken shameful advantage of his willingness to be next to me. Shameful. And I have no excuse for it at all. It's completely selfish and he doesn't deserve it but that's in no way new, I'm a very selfish person. With a few exceptions, I basically worry about numero uno. Me(an.)
Not counting MK, Adrian has had the most actual, physical contact with me and though it could be that I'm not all that amazing to grab onto, he seems to like it. Likes it to the point of letting me treat him with no more care than I would a life-sized teddy bear. It's not right. I know it's not, you know it's not and you can bet he knows exactly how fucked up it is...but he takes it anyway.
Example: I'm home alone, really high and feeling exceptionally warm and content. Adrian makes the mistake of calling and I tell him to come over and bring whatever he has to contribute. We get beautifully wasted and I spend half the night ignoring him while I nod/talk to someone else online and then I spend the other half of the night letting him wrap around me like a Velcro monkey. He has all the relevance of a body pillow and although I feel kinda bad, it's like what the fuck? Tell me to go die, where's your pride?
I did my best to warn him off not too long ago and he told me that he doesn't mind as long as he can be near me. Clearly he has no pride. And I know just how mean that sounds, I do! But he lets me get away with it and so I continue treating him like an inanimate place warmer.
I lay on the bed with my phone/laptop and talk to other homeboys/work while Adrian falls asleep against/around me. And it's not that easy to explain away a half conscious male body when I'm on Skype, lemme tell ya. Then when it's time for him to go, he goes. Sometimes earlier than necessary because although I like to look at him and I really don't hate fading in and out with him, the look in his eye makes me wanna black it for him. If it was just the self serving gleam of someone out to get laid, that would be okay but it's not; it's wounded and long suffering, miserable and hopeful all at the same time. It's that look the dogs have at the SPCA and I hate it.
Rather than feel badly about it, I'm actually kinda pissed at being forced to slog through his issues...Why oh why must I be so irresistible??? *sigh*
Haha, yeah yeah pooooooor Adrian but also POOR ME. I'm the one who's been so horribly deceived! Like I've said in the past, his outside doesn't match his inside. Had I known that Mr. Black Flag bars was harboring the tortured soul of a pallid emo youth, I would've stayed clear of the whole mess. Well...probably not, I mean he kinda had my number from the start, right?
Messy messy messy.
AND he had the nerve to get annoyed with me last night and slapped me (you WISH he'd slapped me), with the title 'Emotional Succubus' which might have annoyed me right back if A) I hadn't been falling a little more in love with it by the minute and B) been mildly shocked that he could pronounce succubus, much less define it.
SO I guess since I'm not meeting expectations and feeding off more the more traditional hell-bitch fare, I'm eating his emotions like some kind of goony psychic vampire you saw on a History channel documentary. Yeah, you know the one. Anywayyyyyyy.
Well reading back through this hasn't untwisted JACK but at least y'all get the benefit of feeling good about yourselves for not being me. My contribution to society, hope you appreciate that shit.

xo ML