Everything in it's place

Yum.

That people are reading this in Israel and Indonesia, as well as so many other places around the world that I never would've expected is pretty fuckin amazing. Yay internet. I still don't know why my blog is being bounced about various questionable Russian link dumps but whatever works, I guess.

I am beyond freezing right now. These new generic subutex are C-R-A-P! That's right, crap. For the first day they send me into an almost paralyzing state of anxiety, followed by NO sleep and now I'm as cold and clammy as a damp corpse. I've taken way more than was ever necessary before and still feel less than satisfactory. But oh they do one thing correctly and that's BLOCK HEROIN. Bullshit. Take so much as 2mg of these fuckers and you won't be getting high for at least 36 hrs. Sigh, I never had this problem with the old orange hexagons...

For anyone not keeping up with my FB (you people are unbelievable!), I had a seriously stupid incident involving some klonopin. And possibly some ketamine. DXM? Sure, why not. Also an ATM card that was technically not mine and certain withdrawal of funds that I immediately LOST somewhere between the store and my house; approximately 2/3 of a block away. Yeahhhh. Over-doing the benzos = not cute. I'm sure all that other misc stuff didn't help either but I'm gonna blame the klonopin for this one.

I don't have to much to say, plenty to share but no real motivation to type it all out. Maybe I should get drunk? You know Truman Capote told Dick Cavett that it was impossible to write under the influence of  alcohol or pretty much any drug. That perhaps before or after one might get some viable work done but never during. I feel that I must strongly disagree as some of my best, most coherent tirades have been crafted while I was high on something. To each her own, Truman; to each her own.

I found out that someone I was said to have been having an 'affair' with in NM, wore a wire and got 3 different people hemmed up for trafficking before he split town and disappeared. Sooo, in place of a real update, I will finish this up with a open letter to Ty, who I just heard from. Sketchy, stupid Ty:
(This is basically a transcript of our phone call)

*Goodbye Ty (blegh, that rhymes most abominably!), I always knew there was something a bit off about you, from the first moment you walked through my door. You looked...like a narc and an asshole and I told Cesar and Tony that you made my internal radar go all kinds of crazy. I would eventually warm up to having you around but there was still something that made me believe fucking you would lead to more trouble than your blond/blue all-American "corn-fed white boy" charms were worth.

I was oh so correct and beyond happy that I got the hell outta town before you threw me to the wolves along with everyone else. I'm not stupid enough to think that you actually held any real regard for me, just like I held none whatsoever for you. I never told you I was leaving, you had to hear it from Des after looking for me for days. And in retrospect, I do declare that I regret not fucking Dylan more than I EVER enjoyed well...you know.

Dylan is not a pussy. Dylan goes to jail and does his time like a man, he doesn't call his cop daddy to wipe his ass and clean up his mess. Dylan may have some anger issues BUT he also looks like a young, blonde Jason Statham. Do I need to say any more? Oh okay, if you insist!

I would even consider going back to NM just to hit that, like I shoulda when I had the chance. But noooooo, I had to "think about it" while I was wasting time with YOU. And then it was too late and he'd got himself arrested for beating his father into a lump of dung. So thanks ever so fucking much for that. I guess in a way you've gotten me back for dipping out on you, even if you didn't know you were. But when you read this (and you will read this, of that there is no doubt), I hope it stings just a little to know that when we were "us" I was daydreaming about him. (D.Y.L.A.N.) Have fun with that, you snitch bitch, cop-spawned piece of rat shit.

Fin.

Not Your Average Kitty

Ok I know that if anything you all are wanting the rest of the CL post but I don't think I have it in me to finish that up right now. I've just been knocked back into the drama of dealing with a guy who simply refuses to understand that I cannot possibly be who he's dreaming of. Not even close.

I haven't spoken to him in a week and saying it's been hard is putting it mildly. The sheer number of txts/messages/voicemails that has been generated during this time is truly astounding. This is rather ironic because it was our prolific txting that signaled the beginning of the end. I mean, it was already on the way out but those txts shot it in the fucking head once and for all.

I had been talking to him him and dealing with Casey for a few weeks and it was getting to be touchy since Casey is basically at my side 24/7. Sigh. Anyway, I had made the decision that since things were good ok with me and C once more (no fighting etc), I was gonna try to commit to that and drop everyone else. However, I just didn't wanna do it, dammit! I like the jerk and...oh fuck it all!

At this point our txt were dumb and I replied with stupid jokes and nonsense, to make him feel less abandoned but also like it was a friend thing happening. I was attempting to keep it nice...it didn't work. He is rather invested in whatever he thinks this is, or was and won't let it go. I don't know that I want him to...

So one night, after hearing me receive texts every 4 seconds, Casey waited til I was nodded, violated my phone lock and found all that shit going back so long that I'm not even sure what he saw. What I am sure of is that he also went through all my pics (HUGE SIGH), and proceeded to send out photos of K slobbering on me from back when that whole mess happened. It was quite honestly not a move that I or anyone would've expected from Casey. I have to say it was rather brilliant, even if it did fuck my shit up on several levels.

It was clearly his version of the 'If I'm not gonna have you, I'll make sure no one else wants you either' maneuver. I'm actually sorry it didn't work. Casey blew the night he cracked my phone and had to take a few days before he could bring himself to see me again. The other's reaction was to promptly have a txt meltdown, thinking that the Kas pics were taken seconds before they'd been sent. It was a massive headache to sort out. Massive.

Finally he told me last week that he was planning on spending way too much money on a room at the Padre, I firmly told him no. It wasn't gonna show. Don't do that etc. I also told him I didn't think I was what he really wanted, that I was sure I wasn't what he needed and that I KNEW I wasn't what he deserved.  He said he can't help what he feels and that he can't turn it on and off like a switch.

I was so bewildered by that last statement that I stopped txting completely and it seemed that he had finally given up on me. UNTIL...I got a flurry of messages approximately 5 minutes before I began writing this post. More stuff about not sparing enough of a thought for him to even reply etc etc. Ugh. Fuck.

What am I supposed to do with that? I'm not loving putting him through any of this but if it's gonna happen with us, it's just not gonna happen easy. Adam came to see me before he went to try and kick at the beach and after hearing what was going on he agreed that there's not much I can do. Time will tell how badly I wreck him and for how long! I can guarantee he will be much happier than he ever would've been hangin' with me. Or his money back. I am not your average kitty, take my word for it.

Risky Business it Ain't

Shawna (original right?), had been hanging out at my new place all morning, having come by after learning I was back in town. We'd spent a long time trying on clothes and getting caught up on each others bullshit. After that we proceeded to doing hair/makeup and taking photos for no real reason other than because we could. We eventually ended up online, where after not a little wheedling, she posted various Craig's List ads promising that the 'new girls in town' would rock your shit for a mere 100/hour. Discounted to 175 if you wanted both of us. Sigh.

I wasn't really feeling the whole hooker thing right then, mainly because I had no need to. Not to mention no desire...like zero. I had plenty of money, why the fuck did I need to get mounted by randoms all night at a whopping bill per? It was more a case of her not wanting to do it alone and me feeling for her and saying "FIIIIIIIIINE!".  Yeah, I'm a good friend like that. *rolling eyes* So I agreed (grudgingly), to go along with it for the time being. Or at least until I could think of a reasonable excuse why I couldn't.

I was starting to feel mildly wretched due to an overindulgence of H that week, so at some point when I got tired of the sweat pooling between my tits, I decided to call Billy. If I was gonna do this, I needed to be as high as fucking possible, no doubt about that.

I rang and like my prince in tarred armor, Billy appeared. Not being one to withhold, I gave Shawna a fat shot of her own. This is where things would start to get kinda retarded.

"Oooh!" she slurred whilst perusing M4W,"I found one YOU'LL like! It says he's an 18 yr old virgin and will pay whatever to get fucked proper...you down?"

"SIGH. I don't think so. Young is young but a virgin? Pass." I was laying half out the sliding door on my back, blowing thick clouds of delicious tobacco smoke into the air and texting.

"You know that little boy will not be the first virgin you've defiled" she continued, "I think it's sweet, you should just do him for free. I bet he has friends that would pay..."

"Bitch please, we will not be running this as a charity! Friends? This is not 1983. Subsequently, this is also not Risky Business and I sincerely doubt that all of Tom Cruise's booger eating friends will be blowing us up to get er...blown. No means no."

"I'm gonna write him back and say we'll do him for free..."

"WE!? If youuuuuuu are feeling so magnanimous, go on ahead but I'm not going anywhere near him." I flicked my ash and re adjusted my sunglasses to signal the end of this discussion.

"Even if he's hot?" She snickered.

"He's not" I said confidently, "If he were, he could get laid on his own and oh yeah... STILL NO!"

"Liar" she smirked and turned back to the computer screen to answer more messages.

In the meantime I'd decided the best way to shut her up was to ignore her, so I went back to my phone and answered a txt I'd just gotten from K. He wanted to hang out and being bored and high, I said sure, why not?

"What about this one?" Shawna pointed at a photo of a non-descript guy in shorts and a shirt, in his early 30's wearing black socks and yellow...CROCS???

"PASS." I sputtered, sitting up and choking on smoke "HARD. FUCKING. PASS." K needed hurry the hell up and get here so I had a legitimate reason to not actually meet any of these guys. Crocs on a grown man? Not on your fucking life.

Well I Tried...Kinda. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Well Casey is back but I'm not going into that now. A mouthy Sheep confided (PUBLICLY), that I'm spending too much time bitching and not enough time weaving tales of wonder out of my questionable existence. Sooo...imma try that for a change. Not sure how it's gonna go but whatever, blame it on the Sheep.

Well shit. The best story I have since I got back is the one about a certain bitch gettin wasted and goin all kinds of crazy. She stripped down to NADA and walked around the house in front of me and the guy I was seeing that night; eventually ending up in bed with us while we pretended it was totally normal and went about our business with her 3 inches away. It was a tad surreal to say the least.

But alas, I don't know if I can tell that story without everyone knowing who it was that did it. I'm a twat but I'm not gonna put her out there like that. And yet...it IS a pretty amazing story. It is interwoven with a Craig's List incident that I was grudgingly a part of (in theory), and some other ridiculous shit that only happens to me. Or at least only I write about it. I don't know...I'm conflicted but since I disabled comments, you can't exactly TELL me you want to read about it, so I may have to let it percolate and see what happens.

Guess I'll have to come back later and try again.

Ciao,

M.L.

Sci-Fi Wet Nurse.

Don't be a tool...listen to this, it's gorgeous.The last remix isn't my fav but Year 5772 has a very sci-fi 60's feel to it, almost like Telstar by the Tornados. If you don't know what that is...I'm sorry.


I love that the last post has gotten something like 5 times as many hits per day as anything else I've ever put up, haha. Whether it's just the usual haters or the irresistible trainwreck appeal, I have no idea but whatever does it for ya. I can't complain, I posted them, after all.

Having come to the realization that I am just not suited to any kind of high maintenance releationship i.e. one that requires me to keep in contact with that person every minute of every day of my fucking life; I decided to send a few dudes, that really choice photo with the needle in my neck, thinking it might bring home the reality of what he's actually dealing with.

It had mixed results, prompting one to say that it made him want to fuck me...and then run away. Hahaha, I fucking love it! The others were less enthused, so I was briefly elated, success! Alas, twas not to be. Coz once the first part of that statement was accomplished, they did not, dear reader, "run away" and more's the pity. I just don't get it. I'd like to say that it's because I'm just that Goddamn mesmerizing a lay but I really don't think so. I'm decent and of course, not your average cookie when it comes to what I will and won't participate in but that in itself doesn't make me special. Freaky bitches are a dime a dozen these days, so yeah, I don't get it.

I'm not fishing for any kind of validation on what charms I do or do not posses, I'm genuinely curious as to what would drive a person to want anything remotely permanent with me. I am so difficult! I go missing for days, even if it's just me hiding in my house not answering calls or texts. I'm wholly unsympathetic to most everything and hate hate hate having to offer insincere words of comfort when I could really not give less of a fuck about his fight with a co-worker. It's like when people get sick and I'm expected to fetch and carry and hover over their bedside rubbing their back or some such bullshit. It's dreadful and I am literally counting the seconds until I can slink away and pretend I don't hear when they call for me. Is that awful? Too fucking bad, it's the truth.

I am just not made to baby anyone for anything other than those rare moments where I'm in the mood to do so and they are few and far between. I can make you comfortable and go get you some meds, fluids, whatever but I won't sit there like a wet nurse and whip out my tit every time you sniffle. Fuck you.

I feel like that last sentence pretty much sums up my attitude on relationships in general. Very much so. I am not your mom. I am not your maid, your cook or your fucking therapist. Suck it up, for the love of GOD and stop being such a titty baby.

I think I'm done here, not sure what this update was, exactly but yeah. Have a nice weekend.

M.L.

Exhibit...H?

I probably shouldn't post these but someone asked me to get a bunch together for some kind of exhibit thingie (they'll be edited etc, not shown as is), and I was all like...a'ight. As long as it's not 'exhibit A' I'm okay with that. These are just a few coz as I'm sure you can imagine, there are so manyyyyy! I apologize in advance to Nicholas, since we just had a talk about people posting pics in states of undress. IMSORRY!!! Getting loaded makes me wanna lay around in my panties, what can I say?

So in lieu of a proper post, here are some photos of what *appears to be drug use. Of course it's ALL totally staged and faaaaaake as fuck.Haha, you bet your ass it is! Also the most recent of these is....eh, I don't rightly remember but some are suuuuuuuuuper old. Some ain't *wink*. But AGAIN: ALL STAGED. NO ACTUAL DRUGS WERE HARMED IN THE TAKING OF THESE PHOTOGRAPHS-

Snuff Porn.

Wet.

I love you THIS MUCH.

Indecision

Multi-tasking

Tragically Delicious

Intermission

Back to our usual programming

Hurt so good.

You Will Always Bring Me Flowers

I am currently FUCKING OBSESSED with this band. Not just because I can apply some of their songs to what's going on in my sad, sad little life but also because they are amazing and I love everything about the way they sound. Shannon Shaw's voice is incredible, it makes me want to rip out my vocal cords because I will never everrrrrr sound like that. But I get over shit wicked fast, so I'll probably not tear out my own throat anytime soon.

HOWEVER, everyone should immediately listen to everything they can find by this band unless you don't like it, in which case your taste in music is as stupid as your face. Straight. Up. Haha, noooo you don't have to like it but you really should, it's pretty awesome.

Anyway, onward and upward. (probably not though, I'm kinda low-dowwwwwn). But yes. Taking a break from the dope. Wow, right? Not for long I'm sure, but long enough to know I have a firm grasp on the shit I'm responsible for. It hasn't been affected yet and this is just to make sure that doesn't change.

I haven't been seeing anyone since all that shit went down last time and now I don't know if I should because: Casey. Yup, Casey. Coming back. Like he swore he never would. Seems things have changed, specifically he said: "I thought I was miserable when I had you, but it's nothing compared to how miserable I am now that I don't." Yeahhhh. I've been told that the key word there is *miserable and that he is clearly unhappy either way but eh. We've been doing this so long, I don't know how to walk away from it, even if I wanted to.

He's a fucking mess right now. For all that slick talk about how his drinking etc was a direct result of my crap, he didn't get even a little better now that I'm gone. He's actually gotten 150% worse and I honestly don't know if he'll manage to stay alive long enough to even make it back here. No bullshit. Drinking 100 proof  Southern Comfort and slamming dope is not a recipe for longevity. Every call ends with him literally falling out on the phone and me wondering whether to call 911 or just cross my fingers. It hasn't yet but one of these days it's gonna end bad. Real bad.

I know those are big words from someone who admitted to multiple overdoses, a few short weeks ago but that was not me on self destruct, that was just me being dumb. Like most of the shit I do. But unlike him, I'm not coming apart at the seams over this separation, which is weird coz the last time we parted ways, I really kinda lost my shit.

Not to the point that it was obvious, like I wasn't pulling an Ophelia or anything but I was definitely not worried over something as trivial as whether I survived the night. I didn't want to die, per se but I wasn't really caring if I did. Take that any way you like.

I was kinda-sorta getting over it when he sent for me and then I was with him in NM for almost SIX fucking years. Clearly that was six years too many. We were driving each other nuts, I was doing all kinds of things I shouldn't. And people. People I shouldn't. Oddly enough never anyone he actually accused me of but that's irrelevant. The point is that though I was always kind of borderline 'bad' when it came to other guys, I never crossed that line. Until I did.

That wasn't until the last year I was there but still, it makes a very strong argument for there being something totally wrong with our situation. More than the usual wrong. Up to that point we had been functional in our dysfunction. I loved the flirting and attention I got from my other boys but never enough to actually, truly fuck around. Nothing that couldn't be fixed. Then later I suppose I didn't care about it being fixable. I just did what and who I wanted and to Hell with Casey and to Hell with consequences.

So we're going to try something different...maybe? I really don't know yet. I have this other guy who wants me and not just to fuck and forget but to be with in a fwb dtf  kind of way, haha. My FAV kind. He wants to be my friend and as friends go, he's not a bad choice. He has like a bazillion jobs, works his ass off but in places where I could go there. and hang out with him if I wanted to.  IDONTKNOW.

...I don't know if I want a "BOY" friend. I doubt I should even have one, the way I've been behaving but I'm not generally a whore like that. Unless I am. I'm very hard to pin down, haha. Ughhhhhh! I guess I just want to do who I want, when I want and not have to hear shit about it, one way or the other and that's just not realistic.

Casey wants me back and this other guy likes me too, one should know better and the other thinks he does and that it doesn't matter. Sigh. Look around, dude. When has anyone ever walked away from me in better condition than when they met me? Yeah. 

Whatever. Fuck it, I'm out.

Melody (droopy eye and everything)